by M. S. Parker
“I said we were going to take a walk so you could forget about everything else and I go and kiss you.”
“I didn’t mind.” I smiled at him and brushed my lips across his.
“You don’t get it, Shae.” He closed his eyes. “When I’m with you, it’s like...I’ve been wanting to touch you, hold you, and now that I can...” He opened his eyes and pulled me even more tightly against him. “I want you so badly and I don’t want to scare you away.”
I dropped my hands lower until they were on his ass. He sucked in a breath.
“I’m not going anywhere, Jas. And I want you too.” My entire body throbbed with how much I wanted him.
“Back to the house?” he asked, a hopeful note in his voice.
I shook my head. Allen and I had sometimes kissed when we’d taken our walks, but some part of me had always wanted to do something a bit more adventurous. What was the point of having all of this if I couldn’t enjoy it, right?
“Here.”
His eyebrows went up, eyes widening. “Here?”
I nodded and leaned forward, taking his bottom lip between my teeth. I pulled it into my mouth, sucking and nipping until he groaned. I let it go.
“Here,” I whispered. “Now.”
He pulled his shirt off and I made a soft sound in the back of my throat. He chuckled, the kind of rich, very male sound that made me instantly wet.
“What’s so funny?” I asked as he spread his shirt out on the ground.
“That sound you made when I took my shirt off.” He grinned at me, a sheepish expression on his face.
I flushed, looking down. His hand cupped my chin and raised my head so our eyes could meet.
“I’m sorry I laughed,” he said seriously. “It’s just...” He seemed to struggle to find the words. “I never thought I’d hear you ever make a sound like that about me.”
I put my hand on his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart under my palm. When I ran my other hand across his chest, down to his abs, his pulse skipped and I smiled.
“What?” he asked.
“Your heart.” I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his chest. When I opened my mouth and flicked out my tongue, I felt him catch his breath. I looked up and my chest tightened at what I saw in his face. “I love the way your body reacts to me.” I flushed as I said it, but when I saw the pure joy that filled his eyes, I knew a little embarrassment was worth it.
He dropped to his knees in front of me and I put my hand on his head, running my fingers through his soft, thick hair. He put his hands on my hips, using his thumbs to bunch up the shirt until a thin strip of skin was exposed.
“Do you know how much I love seeing you in my clothes?” He pressed his lips against my stomach.
“And here I’d been feeling frumpy compared to Aime.”
He gave me a sharp look. “She doesn’t even compare to you.” He kissed my stomach again and then hooked his fingers under the waistband of my pants.
My fingers tightened in his hair as he slid the sweats down to my knees. The shirt fell down, covering me to the tops of my thighs, but he didn’t let that deter him. He ducked his head under the shirt, his hands holding onto my hips as he maneuvered himself between my legs. I gasped as his tongue parted my folds and I grabbed onto his shoulders. My head fell forward, eyes fluttering shut as waves of pleasure washed over me.
When his tongue found my still-sensitive clit, I cried out, knees buckling, but he held me up, somehow managing to shift me so that I was leaning almost completely on him. A finger slipped inside me, twisting and curling until he hit that spot and I cried out.
Even while I was coming, he eased me down onto his shirt. I barely registered the sound of a zipper and then he was over me and inside me. I cried out again as he stretched me wide, the myriad sensations pushing me into another climax before the first had even finished. His mouth covered mine, swallowing every sound as he thrust into me. His strokes were slow and deep, filling me with each one until I was no longer sure which body was his and which was mine. I’d experienced this sort of closeness with Allen only a few times and never this intense. It was almost overwhelming.
My nails dug into Jasper’s arms as my teeth scraped over his lip. He moaned, his mouth leaving mine to bite his way down my neck. I moved my hands to his back, sliding them down to his ass. I pushed at the jeans that were only half-way down, nails scratching at his already marked skin. I wanted to mark him more, I realized, and I wanted him to mark me. This was the part of the weekend I wanted to think about whenever I got dressed, whenever I looked in the mirror.
“Please, Jas,” I begged as he licked and bit at my throat. “I’m so close.”
I could feel it coming, that precipice that could take me away from here to a place where it was just him and me. Nothing else. No problems. No one telling us we shouldn’t be together. We just were.
“Come for me, baby.”
His voice was low in my ear.
“You’re so beautiful when you come.”
He shifted his hips, rubbing against my clit with just the right amount of pressure and then I was flying. The world exploded around me in white and I called out his name. He moved inside me even as I clamped down around him and I heard him swear. Heard him say my name. A shudder ran through him and he came.
Slowly, I became aware of the world around me again. The buzz of insects. The thick smell of grapes mingled with the scent of sex. The weight and heat of Jasper’s body wrapped around me. The feel of his cum on the insides of my thighs. The hard ground under his shirt.
He brushed some hair back from my face as he leaned over me, propped on one arm. His face was concerned. “I wasn’t too rough, was I?”
“No.” I smiled and reached up to put my hand on his cheek. “It was perfect. I like variety.”
He laughed, but there was a hint of something sad to the sound. “After eight years with the same person, I suppose anything different would be variety.”
“That’s not what I meant.” I lifted my head to kiss him. “I like all the ways you have sex with me. Slow. Fast. Hard. Soft.” I sighed.
“What’s wrong then?” he asked.
“I love being with you. Spending time with you. Having sex with you.”
“Okay?” He looked confused.
“But everyone keeps saying that it’s too soon.” I rolled onto my side so we could be face-to-face.
“Do you feel like it’s too fast?”
I could hear the hesitation in his voice and knew that if I said yes, he’d back off. But I didn’t want him to back off. I didn’t want to take this slow, I realized.
“Fuck it.”
His eyes widened.
“It’s not like you’re some random stranger, Jas. I’ve known you for years. It’s only this part of things that’s new. Do you think we’re going too fast?”
He shook his head. “I’ve wanted this for a long time,” he admitted. “I’ll go whatever speed you want as long as I can be with you.”
I smiled. “Good, because I’m tired of listening to what other people say and I’m tired of living in the past.” I took a deep breath. “Move in with me.”
Chapter 10
I’m just glad Mom’s not here to see this. She would’ve been ashamed of you.
It had been five days since Mitchell had left and his words still echoed in my head, no matter how hard I tried to get them out.
Jasper had stayed through Sunday evening, the day I’d asked him to move in with me and we’d gone over the logistics of things. When the best time would be for him to move in. What he was going to bring and where those things were going to go. If I thought I’d be able to clean out the last of Allen’s things or if I’d need help.
The one thing I hadn’t considered was how to tell my brother. I’d have been lying if I’d said it had slipped my mind though. It was more like I’d purposefully pushed the idea to the back of the list. I’d known that Mitchell wouldn’t like it and I just hadn’t wanted to deal.
Instead, I’d focused on the other things. Where I was going to donate the last of Allen’s clothes. Whether or not Jasper and I should switch the bedrooms around so that we weren’t using the same room Allen and I had occupied for the last few years. How many pictures would be too many to leave up and out.
As we’d talked, I’d realized the best part of having fallen for my late husband’s best friend. Jasper missed Allen as much as I did and he understood that I wouldn’t want to pretend that the last eight years hadn’t happened. He wanted to remember Allen, to talk about the things the three of us had done together. Because of his own relationship with Allen, he’d said that it didn’t matter to him how long Allen and my pictures remained up.
Jasper had left as the sun started to set. He had work the next morning and a lot of things to do before he moved in the following Saturday. Neither one of us had wanted to wait until he could find a buyer for the house, but the idea of leaving it empty had bothered him until he’d come up with a brilliant idea. One of the reasons Jasper had wanted to start a free clinic was to help the people in St. Helena who couldn’t necessarily afford quality healthcare. One of the things he’d wanted to do eventually as well was to set up a place where families in need could stay while they were getting back on their feet. While his house wasn’t big enough for multiple families, it could be enough for one.
I’d been so excited when Mitchell had pulled in that, for a moment, I’d forgotten the way my brother had left that morning. I’d practically thrown myself into Mitchell’s arms, declaring that I’d had wonderful news.
The moment I’d said the words, however, I wished I could’ve taken them back. My brother’s face had darkened and he’d given me one of his scowls. The conversation had been brief but harsh.
“What do you mean you asked Jasper to move in with you?” Mitchell’s voice was sharp.
“I care about him, Mitchell, and we enjoy being together. I have this huge place but I’m all alone here—”
“I’m here.”
“I know you are.” I tried to placate him. “And I really appreciate you staying with me, but you have your own place.”
“So does he.”
I took a deep breath and tried to speak calmly instead of slapping my idiot brother like I desperately wanted to. “Jasper and I want to be together and this was the step we wanted to take. Together.”
“What about Allen?”
“I loved Allen,” I said. My heart constricted, but it was more of a wistful pain than agonizing grief. “But he’s gone. And I know he would’ve wanted me to be happy.”
“With his best friend?” Mitchell snorted a laugh. “Come on, Shae. You can’t be serious. Allen was your husband. You were with him for eight years and now, four months after he dies, you’re shacking up with his best friend?”
“Just because my husband died doesn’t mean I have to stop living,” I said, stung. I’d expected some resistance, but not this.
“Mom never dated after Dad died. She loved him until the day she died.”
I nearly flinched. “That’s not fair and you know it. I’m not her, Mitchell.”
“That’s obvious,” he snapped.
“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to be here.” I put my hands on my hips. “Go home.”
“Gladly.” He started to stomp off towards the guest room where he’d been staying, but he couldn’t resist landing one final blow before he went. “I’m just glad Mom’s not here to see this. She would’ve been ashamed of you.”
That comment had hit me hard. I’d spent the rest of the night alternating between crying and raging. Only after I’d spent hours curled up in bed, desperate for sleep, did I remind myself that it was my life, not my brother’s or my mother’s, that Jasper and I knew that Allen would want us to take care of each other. That he’d want us to be happy. As long as we knew that and we cared about each other, it didn’t matter what anyone else said.
I’d spent the rest of the week focusing on Jasper moving in and ignoring the fact that Mitchell never called or texted. Monday after school, I’d gone through the living room and packed up some things to make room for some of Jasper’s things. The kitchen had come next, though he’d decided to leave most of his own kitchenware for whatever family took up residence. The same would be done with most of his furniture, so there wasn’t really much of mine and Allen’s things I had to pack away.
I’d left off the bathroom until Wednesday, throwing away the last of Allen’s belongings there. I hadn’t been consciously keeping around things like his razor or his brand of mouthwash, but I hadn’t thrown them out either. That night, I had. I’d cleaned out every last bit of Allen from the master bathroom and then I’d sat in the shower and cried until the water turned cold.
Thursday had been even worse. I’d packed up all of Allen’s usable clothes and thrown away the ones that couldn’t be donated. For some reason, taking out the trash had bothered me more than putting the boxes of clothes into my car. Even though it had been late, I’d driven into the city and dropped the things off at the mission, hoping I’d be able to keep from crying.
I had. I’d actually felt good as I’d driven away, as if the thought of Allen being able to help someone even after his death had been somehow helping me heal. And then I’d seen the trashcans at the end of the driveway and I’d known that the bags inside had contained all of the little junk that Allen was never going to use again.
It had been that, more than anything else, that had made it hit home. Allen was gone and never coming back. He’d never use up the rest of the aftershave I’d bought him for Christmas last year. Never throw out the cheap comb that he’d always insisted worked ‘just fine’ even though he’d just as often borrowed my hairbrush.
Yesterday hadn’t been any easier, coming home and feeling the house half-empty. It hadn’t really looked much different. Even the upstairs had been the same until I’d opened the dresser or closet. I’d doubted that anyone else would’ve even noticed, but I had. I’d felt like something had been torn out of me or away from me, like a part of me had gone missing.
I’d cried myself to sleep and had woken up this morning with a new resolution.
I was moving forward. I wouldn’t forget Allen or the years we’d spent together, but I wasn’t going to let them hold me back either. I got up, put on a pair of ratty jeans, an equally grubby t-shirt and then headed downstairs to make myself some breakfast.
Jasper arrived a couple hours later and immediately pulled me into his arms for a thorough and resounding kiss. I melted against him, letting myself enjoy the solid feel of his body, the heat of his skin.
When he finally broke the kiss, we were both breathing hard and I was feeling much better.
Jasper frowned as he looked around. “Did Mitchell have to work today?”
I looked away. I hadn’t told him about the fight. “No, he went home. After all,” I tried to keep my tone light, “it’d be a bit awkward to have my big brother here too.”
“Well, I didn’t think he’d be staying, but I figured he’d at least want to make sure everything was set before he left.” Jasper took a step back. “When did he leave?” When I didn’t answer, he spoke again, “Shae, what’s going on?”
“He’s mad about you moving in,” I blurted out. Jasper was the one person I could be completely honest with. I didn’t want to start things off with a lie, even a little one.
I glanced up and saw that his face had darkened.
“What did he say?”
I shook my head and reached down to take his hand. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.” He tucked a wayward strand of hair behind my ear.
I sighed. “Short version? He thinks I’m a horrible person for even considering wanting to be with someone after Allen.”
“He doesn’t think that,” Jasper argued. “Your brother loves you. He couldn’t think anything bad about you.”
The muscle in my jaw twitched. “He said my mother woul
d be ashamed of me.”
Jasper swore as he pulled me into his arms again. He kissed the top of my head as his fingers made soothing motions on my back.
“Your brother’s being an asshole,” he said. “Everything you’ve said about your mother tells me that she’d want you to be happy.”
“I think she would’ve liked you,” I said, pressing my face more firmly against his chest. Damn, he smelled good.
“I hope so.”
Jasper sounded sad. I pulled back just enough so I could see his face.
“Are you okay?” I asked. I hoped I hadn’t been so caught up in my own drama that I’d missed something important.
“I never wanted to come between you and your brother,” he said. “Maybe I should just go home.”
“You are home,” I said firmly. “Unless...” My heart sank. “Unless you don’t want to move in. It’s okay if you don’t. You didn’t have to agree...”
He pressed his lips against mine to silence me. It was short, but firm. “I want to live with you,” he said, keeping his mouth close enough to mine for me to feel the heat of his breath. “You have no idea how much I want this.” He rested his forehead against mine. “To wake up next to you every morning. To know that I’m coming home to you every night. It means everything to me.”
“But?” I prompted.
“But I can’t make you choose between your family and me.”
“Jas.” I put my finger on his lips, stopping him before he could say anything else. “You aren’t making me choose. Mitchell is. And if he really loved me, he wouldn’t do that.” I smiled. “Besides, I thought I made it clear that I’ve already chosen. I chose you.”
His eyes closed as I put my hand on his cheek. His skin was smooth. He’d shaved this morning. My stomach tightened at the realization that I’d get to watch him shave in the mornings. That I’d be able to see him standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, towel around his waist, chest bare...
Damn. I was never going to want to leave the house now.
