I Wish I Was Like You
By
S.P. Miskowski
JournalStone Publishing
Copyright © 2017 S.P. Miskowski
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ISBN: 978-1-945373-78-7 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-945373-79-4 (ebook)
JournalStone rev. date: July 7, 2017
Library of Congress Control Number: 2017942713
Printed in the United States of America
1st JournalStone Edition
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Author Bio Photo: Denise Jarrett
Edited by: Dan Mason
I Wish I Was Like You
Something more goes to the composition of a fine murder than two blockheads to kill and be killed, a knife, a purse, and a dark lane.
- Thomas De Quincey
A dead man is the best fall guy in the world. He never talks back.
- Raymond Chandler
In the end I will forget you.
I'm sorry
to have to say that.
But, I will forget myself,
too,
so don't feel bad.
– Steven J. Bernstein
Part One
“First rule. Never open your story with a corpse. It’s a cliché. More important, I don’t like it, so don’t do it. If you do it to be ironic, I’ll throw your manuscript in your face. If you do it to piss me off, I’ll flunk you. And then you can explain to your parents, who pay your fucking tuition, how you wrecked your grade point average with a lame-ass workshop in crime fiction.” - Lee Todd Butcher, RIP
Chapter One
On a Friday afternoon, at the end of a shitty week, after waiting for a bus in merciless rain for a quarter of an hour and giving up, trudging the final six blocks and stomping up three flights of stairs to my lousy, cramped apartment in a building reeking of mouse turds and tomato soup, the last thing I expected to find waiting for me was a dead body. Facedown on the living room floor, sprawled across the cruddy tangerine carpet that came with the place.
By the way, I’m using the term ‘facedown’ loosely. The corpse lay torqued at a sharp angle, one arm extended toward the window and the other pinned beneath the torso. Most of the face had traveled across the room and now decorated the mantel and fireplace in fading streaks. A thin plume of brain matter curled out of the demolished forehead with a comical flourish. A revolver rested quietly, as if ashamed, under the coffee table.
Given the circumstances, some people might scream. Other people would cry. Here’s what I did. I stepped over the body and made for the pack of American Spirits on the mantel. Because fuck moderation at a time like that; I needed a cigarette.
Three cigarettes, a glass of Burgundy, four tokes of weed—about an hour later—I’d had time to calm down and think. Most of my thoughts took the form of questions.
First, if not most alarming, why was there no response to a gunshot inside my Capitol Hill apartment? Had the novelty of it confused my neighbors…?
“Druida, did you hear a loud bang?”
“Did you say ‘bang’ to me?”
“I’m not kidding. Did you hear it?”
“A bang? An actual…? Like a noise?”
“Druida, please. A noise. Like a bang.”
“I have no idea. Listen, I taped last week’s X-Files, do you want to watch it before the new episode? Or do you want to investigate a so-called bang? I can’t handle both right now…”
Second, and still not the worst part, at what time did it happen? I was at work all day. How long did the corpse lie there on the carpet?
I tried to remember precisely when I’d left the apartment. It was that morning, yes, and before dawn thanks to my soul-sucking job at a photocopy center. I recognized the acrid coffee grounds moldering in a French press on the black and white kitchen counter. From the carpet came the scent of dried blood, a bitter tang of rust. Also a lingering and gag-worthy trace I recognized from the salon around the corner. Burnt hair like sweet, toxic caramel.
I sat on the floor and stared at my corpse and wondered how long I’d been dead. This was the worst part. Not the first or second thing that occurred to me, but the most upsetting circumstance.
I smoked and drank and considered what to do next. I wandered around my squalid living room. I leaned against the window with its view of an ATM alcove across the street, a place where people slept and ate and peed and offered outrageous services for a dollar. Where I once observed a schizophrenic homeless man knighting a drunk Seafair Pirate with a samurai sword.
I was gazing down at the ATM when it hit me. The craving, the insistent urge to find a crowded room with crisp white linen, steaming cups of coffee, warm bodies, and the buzz of conversation—to immerse myself in all of those human sounds and delicate motions.
As a warning sign, a taste of things to come, almost as soon as I felt the familiar longing for coffee, I was staring through the window at B & O Espresso…
The downpour had subsided to a drizzle. I saw you at a table inside the café, studying the view. You were scanning the traffic sluicing up and down Olive Way. Your eyes reflected the rain on glass. You sighed, fascinated by the drifting clouds. I watched you lift a cup of espresso to your lips. I wondered what the hell you were thinking. And then I knew.
You congratulated yourself for being patient and staying put. You were waiting, yes, but this was a test. You were plotting against your lover, the ‘married with two children’ tax attorney you described to girlfriends as your ‘paramour.’
The really twisted tale is always a love story, isn’t it? Tears before cocktails and a quick screw at a downtown hotel every other Friday. The tax attorney wanted to break up with you but he was afraid. He was taking the coward’s route, pointing out all of your flaws and hoping to make you leave him, but you were tenacious.
Some would have called you a stalker, although you thought of your life in more heroic terms. You were bravely ignoring your lover’s criticism—of your impatience, your scattered nature, and your shallow opinions. You wanted to kill him because he didn’t love you. More than you wanted him dead, you wanted to hurt him. You wanted to break him. You wanted to twist the necks of his pre-school children until they snapped in your hands. Well, well!
I turned my face left and right, no reflection captured in the object of your attention, the rain-spattered window between us. The patterns folded and refolded, a lace veil of rain and darkness. Designs kept opening in further and further seams beyond re
ach…
All the way down the crooked spine of Denny Way, beyond bumbling traffic and breathless pedestrians, the aftermath of the storm, biding its time south, churned up the tide against a battery of splintered piers. Diners chattered over plates of fried clams and bowls of salmon chowder behind steamed restaurant windows at the Market.
I felt the breeze like a cold blade across my back.
A late afternoon ferry, lights glowing from the car and passenger decks, glided across Elliott Bay, a slender point of separation between water and sky. I knew this without looking. Just as I knew a girl in a paisley dress had pulled a Swiss Army knife on the driver of a #7 bus, and the downtown Metro line had temporarily screeched to a halt…
B & O Espresso turned out to be chock-full of mistresses that Friday. I allowed my attention to wander to another table.
At first glance I knew the man you were waiting to see wasn’t going to show up. He was with a co-worker in a seedy room at the Ever Spring Inn, six miles north, on Aurora Avenue. The co-worker was laughing, blinded by thick strands of champagne blonde hair across her face, a whiff of jasmine rising from her abdomen each time he thrust inside her.
I studied your smile. I saw you were too wound up, too desperate, too you, to be happy. You were impatient with others. You saw yourself as a significant person, and other people as scenery. Your impulse was always to move, to exit, to leave the door squeaking on its hinges.
In a couple of years, purely seeking attention in the most dramatic way, you would eat a fistful of Valium. The resulting fog would surround you, hold you as tightly as a winter coat, and you would step onto the railroad tracks to greet the train from Portland. On a blistering cold night your sister would drive to the morgue to identify the pieces of you retrieved at the scene.
That was where I left you, my brief second encounter, a slightly chubby Anna Karenina sipping coffee and grieving like a million other lonely fools. Convinced you were right to spend your life this way, in a melodramatic haze, too self-absorbed to know you were doomed…
Since that night I’ve felt a constant urge, an itch to tell my story. I’ve wanted to feel words forming on my tongue or flowing from my fingertips. I wanted that whole day, the whole year before it, my entire existence, to be a story I could use because that’s how desperate people are and how calculating. Even dead people. We want our lives to add up to something, despite all evidence to the contrary.
When the police eventually responded to my landlord’s call, when they broke down my door to pinpoint that new terrible smell permeating the building, it would have been nice if someone, somewhere had known a couple of things about me. Things they could never read in a newspaper.
For example, I was never part of a ‘publishing scene,’ whatever the hell that might be. Any ‘scene’ going on in Seattle, trust me, I was not part of it. If anything cool or great was happening while I was alive, I was not involved in any way. The ‘scene’ bypassed me like a rock in the middle of the freeway.
One thing both dailies got wrong was my taste in music. I was not a club-hopping local. I wasn’t even a huge Nirvana fan. If asked (and I never was), I would say I was more of a Gas Huffer, Pixies, Cramps, Velvet Underground, Robert Johnson on Sunday, and occasional Butthole Surfers gal. So the implication that I would copycat Cobain’s suicide pissed me off more than anything. Almost anything.
As time went on—as time goes on—facts mean less than the relief I feel on those occasions when I cross paths with a soul mate. Because bitterness, it turns out, is eternal; it gathers momentum. Feed it an occasional sacrifice and it doesn’t subside. It feels better, deeper, and more luxuriant.
Of course I hated my life, but my fate—to become a composite sketch of a 1994 twenty-something with a terrible job living in a grubby apartment in a city best known for suicide, rain, and serial killers—this was too much.
The trouble was, despite my newfound ability to read bits of information from random strangers, I couldn’t remember exactly what happened in my own apartment on that first day. Oh, after a while the blast, the explosion of light and darkness, returned, but not the face staring at me from behind the barrel. The face of my stupid enemy remained a mystery for some time.
That first night I only knew my memory was becoming selective, a tiny door etched into an immense wall running as far as I could see. It wasn’t possible to observe what I wanted when I wanted, but once I opened that door, the random view was spectacular.
None of which mattered to the cops when they started kicking down the door to my apartment. They had to go by what they could see. The first thing they saw was my corpse. The second was a gun I never owned, with my fingerprints on it. Third was a notebook, lying open on the coffee table. The fourth thing was this journal entry, written two days prior:
Have you ever hated someone? Not the parking-space-stealing kind of hate. Not the ex-lover and his corset-wearing, skinny new girlfriend kind of hate. I’m talking about bile surging in your belly and a taste of sulfur at the back of your throat. Ordinary objects become alluring. They seduce your imagination—the steak knife poised in your hand above the plate, paralyzed by a desire to find its real purpose in your companion’s heart.
In the throes of hatred, you might forget to bathe. You might start your day with a face that feels like it's lined with wet sand because you forgot to sleep. At two a.m. you start talking back to the clock on the nightstand. You bitch that clock right out. For half an hour you address the clock by the name of your nemesis.
Brilliant! To the cops and the newspapers I would be nothing but a nut case, another hysterical girl who couldn’t handle life in the city. When people glanced at the brief, perfunctory articles in the dailies they would learn I was an unpublished writer; a twenty-something deadbeat; a liar and a plagiarist. That Friday in 1994, I became everything my former boss, Eve Wallace, said I was.
I don’t know if my downward spiral started with my job at a crummy weekly paper, or stealing another writer’s story, or losing a contest, or moving to the city, or having sex with my writing teacher, or being born in the dullest suburb in the Northwest. On one level, I realize it didn’t begin with Eve. I only associate her with my failure. All of the ugliness I’d sown really came alive once I knew her name and accepted the job she offered me.
And who was this person, this fulcrum of all my petty disappointments? She was nothing. Eve Wallace was the kind of woman Lee Todd Butcher wouldn’t have noticed if they were alone together in a bathtub. She was the epitome of middle-aged womanhood, a sagging vessel, a ship heading to port for the last time. She enjoyed nothing. Her life was over. When we met she was in her mid-thirties, by her account; late thirties, according to gossip; or forties, to guess by appearance. She was as close to invisible as it’s possible for a living person to be. If she sat in a café with her back to a complicated wallpaper pattern, and I sat opposite her, a moment would inevitably arrive when my vision couldn’t separate Eve from the wallpaper.
Eve and I were not alike in any way. Lee Todd once told me I was “a killer by nature, a pragmatic sadist; both the wound and the salt in the wound.” If his description was accurate, several things make sense. But why would I take the word of a loser, a cranky-ass poet, a hack Raymond Chandler who ran out of time? Lee Todd warned me not to move to Seattle and I told him to go to hell. It’s funny how things turn out.
Who knows? Maybe in another month or two I would have made up my mind to leave the city. Maybe I would have stopped obsessing over Lee Todd’s fucked-up advice (both taken and rejected). Maybe I would have been ready to find out who I was, and what I wanted to do. I might have traveled, maybe to India, maybe Europe.
Well, never mind, as they say. Apparently I’ll be rotting in the cold mist and mildew for whatever passes for eternity these days. I’m stranded in the rain in a port city crowded around a bay of skeletons. For centuries, everybody’s wanted a piece of this place. I can’t figure out why. Crows own the land, seagulls own the
water, and the gray people scuttle back and forth under low skies, clutching paper cups of coffee, ducking raindrops and bird shit. Below the surface, tectonic plates grind at one another, edges bulging, compressing, threatening to break open and drag the landscape under.
No matter what’s left, after the tsunamis roll in and the ocean pulls everything natural and man-made into a roiling grinder of dirt, rock, and foam—I’ll probably still be here. Perched on a rock, reclining on the limb of an ancient redwood, or sipping an espresso and waiting for the next thing to happen.
Until then I bide my time by following strangers and making friends.
A series of Carpenter Gothic houses on 23rd Avenue huddle in the shadows like a row of silent monks on a sullen summer night, too humid for comfort, too late for a walk; a night for keeping the windows ajar.
You must be a cutter. I can see the skittish little scars on the inside of your arms. Fading as unevenly as adolescence.
Yours is the surname of a Seattle founding father. ‘So embarrassed’ by the fact, you go by a less conspicuous moniker and tell yourself you’re being humble and real, hiding under your grandmother’s maiden name, living in the Central District, waving to neighbors who regard you with a wary shake of the head and a shrug. You’re the weird white lady in the house on the corner with the messy yard, and no one likes you.
You grew up in the Pacific Northwest, attended the Bush School then Cornish for a semester, and then Evergreen State College, an artistic haven your daddy hated. “It’s make-it-up-as-you-go-along-and-give-yourself-an-A-for-malarkey-education,” he said. He wanted you to be a sensible, dutiful caretaker of the family legacy. Alas.
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