by Tim Pratt
Faustus: I've had better smokes, but you won't be able to get them for a couple of hundred years. I just burn these ropes to drive the bugs away.
Albergus (sniffs): There does not seem to be any hint of cinnabar. How did you come by these instruments?
Faustus: That's an interesting story. I was riding a double-decker down Broadway and when we took the corner to 42nd Street on two wheels (the driver was a dyspeptic Abyssinian) a young woman fell into my lap. Imagine my chagrin. Naturally I took her home with me and we became devoted friends. In the divorce settlement she got the Hemingway manuscripts, I got these stogies.
Albergus: In Nuremberg it is rumored you have had much success in conjuring the shades of historical figures.
Faustus: Hysterical figures. And I do mean figures. Remind me sometime to introduce you to Helen.
Wagner spills the wine.
Faustus: Try again, boy: cup outside, wine inside.
Albergus (pushing Wagner away as he tries to mop up the wine): Helen of Troy?
Faustus: Troy, Schenectady? One of those towns.
Albergus: So you have indeed raised the dead?
Faustus: She only acts that way in the mornings. Lithium deficiency.
Wagner finishes mopping the spilled wine.
Albergus: Have you heard the reports of the astounding incidents that took place recently in Rome? It is said that some sorceror, invisible, plucked food and drink right out of the Pope's mouth. Then, to humiliate the papists further, this same necromancer stole the heretic Bruno away from the Inquisition and whisked him off to Austria. A most clever trick. I only wish I'd been able to manage it myself. The person responsible for bearding the Antichrist's tool in his own den must be the most powerful mage in all of Europe. Who do you suppose that might be?
Faustus: Are you going to smoke that cigar or eat it? Go ahead! You can pay me later.
Albergus: Pay you? Alas, Faustus, I have but little coin in pocket.
Clock: NINE THIRTY. MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK YOUR WALLET.
Faustus: Money, money, money! I'm sick to death of this talk of money! It's destroying our marriage! These cigars would cost a couple of guilders on the open market. Of course it's closed now, so you're left to your own devices. You did bring your devices, didn't you?
Albergus: What sort of?
Faustus: If not, you'll have to get your brothers to help you.
Albergus: I have no brothers.
Faustus: Your father must have been relieved.
Albergus: My dear Faustus, do not insult me. I may only be an itinerant scholar, but I've come all the way from Nuremberg to sit at your feet and learn.
Faustus: As long as you're down there, how about shining those shoes.
Albergus: You do not mean what you say.
Faustus: Let me tell you a thing or two about what I mean.
FAUSTUS' SONG:
When I took this job
I told the dean
You play it nice
I'll play it mean
It don't pay to mess with the Wittenberg Man
The Greatest Scholar in all of Europe.
I'll clean your clock
I'll drink your hock
I'll be your friend
Until the end
Or something better comes along.
Wagner: It's true, it's true
He's beat me black and blue
Don't mess with the Wittenberg Man
The Wisest Guy in all of Europe.
Faustus: I've got my magical clock
And a book full of spells
I make deals with the spirits
I wear a cap with bells
I've got a dog with a bone
The philosopher's stone
So tell all your sages
All your magical mages
It don't pay to mess with the Wittenberg Man
The Faustest Doctor in all of Europe.
Albergus: Don't get me wrong, gentle colleague
I'm not here to try your patience
I've come to praise your great achievements
Learn to follow your investigations
Into the arcane hollows
Of these hallowed halls
The ivy covered walls
Of this great institution.
I won't dis the reputation of the Wittenberg Man
The most Powerful Professor in all of Europe.
Faustus: If you're looking, pal, for knowledge
Let me give you a clue
Don't go to college
It's the worst you could do
Take my word for it, buddy
I work here every day
Before your first semester
You'll begin to fester
In a most distressful way.
But if you must matriculate
Here's a tip I can relate:
Make a deal with the devil
Before you step through the door.
Don't worry about perdition
It's a faculty tradition
He'll get you grants galore
You'll publish oceans, magic potions
Win mysterious promotions
That a Chancellor can't ignore
Take a warlock's degree
Major in astrology
For a minor, sorcery
And a concentration in dissimulation.
For whatever the alumni say
About the university way
This fact is indisputable:
That it's a storehouse of knowledge
Because none of it ever leaks out.
Wagner: None of it ever leaks out
It's sealed in weighty books where
It's a heavy-duty obligation
To open even one
That old humanistic science
That new deconstructive fun
I've been searching for it full time
But a glimpse of a pretty ankle
Is all I've ever won.
Faustus: Take the kid's word, he should know
I'm the door that he can't peek through
Can't storm or even leak through
Can't speculate or guess, no
Students aren't here to be blessed, so
Forget the father confessor
I'm the universal professor.
Still I don't want to be inhospitable
'twould be pitiful, Bro' Albergus.
Leave ambition on the doorstep
And I'm the honcho, at your service.
But just don't mess with the Wittenberg Man
The Hottest Burgher in all of Germany.
He knows where your body's buried
Or meant to be.
Albergus: I take your point, noble Faustus. But my questions were entirely innocent.
Faustus: But late at night, lights turned low, when you're alone with your answers? That's a different story!
Albergus: My dear colleague! There's no need to treat me like a mountebank.
Faustus: Oh, so now it's high finance? Well, money means nothing here, friend.
Albergus: Why must you keep speaking of money?
Faustus: This is a public university. What else are we going to talk about? You'll learn soon enough that a little Latin goes a long way in this institution. There used to be a little Latin around here, but he went away. That's how I got this job. You look a little Latin yourself, and I wish you'd gone with him. You foreign scholars want to dance to the music without paying the piper. And what does it get you? Asparagus, or contract bridge. But a card like you could care less who maintains the bridge contract, as long as you can pass water under it. Speaking of contracts, what makes you think you're going to get your hands on mine?
Albergus: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
Faustus: If you're so sure, why aren't you rich? You brute! No, don't try to apologize!
Albergus: I didn't come here to be insulted.
Faustus: This is a good place for it. Where do you usually go?
Albergus
stands, throwing down his napkin.
Albergus: I beg your pardon?
Faustus: Don't grovel, I can't pardon you. You'll have to talk to the Pope. Too bad, I hear he's not much of an audience. Well, it's certainly been a pleasure talking to myself this evening. I must visit myself more often. As for you, sir, I want you to remember that scholarship is as scholarship does, and neither does my wife, if I had one, which I don't. Nor do my children, if I had any, who would be proud of me for saying so. Now get out!
Albergus leaves in a huff. Faustus goes to his side of the table, sits in his chair, takes a bite out of a chicken leg from Albergus's plate and sips his wine.
Clock: TEN O'CLOCK. ALL IS WELL.
Faustus holds out his cup to Wagner.
Faustus: More wine, boy.
Scene Two
Scene opens in Albergus's room at The Boar's Bollocks inn. Albergus is at his table composing a report for the Pope.
Albergus: When will those students arrive?
Bateman: They should be here soon.
Albergus: They're completely reliable men?
Bateman: As a logician, you realize as well as I that such judgments are necessarily subjective.
Albergus: Never mind logic. Stick to the facts.
Bateman: They're men. I would say that's a completely reliable statement.
Albergus seals the letter, hands it to Bateman.
Albergus: Fair enough. Send this off to the Pope.
Bateman leaves. A knock comes at the door.
Albergus: Enter.
The door opens and two sloppy men come in. The darker of the two, Dicolini, wears a black hat that comes to a point that hints at the pointed skull beneath it. His coat is shabby and two sizes too small. He wears an expression of small-minded guile. His companion Robin's face is round and empty as the full moon. His ragged clothes are even shabbier than Dicolini's if that is possible. He smells like a fishmonger and a mass of curly red hair explodes from beneath his floppy hat. They come forward in unison, hands extended.
Albergus: Noble Robin and gentle Dicolini, welcome!
Robin shakes his hand. Albergus recoils, draws back his hand and finds he is holding a dead fish. Robin contorts in silent laughter, slaps his knee. Albergus throws down the fish. Robin looks offended.
Dicolini: Atsa some joke, eh boss?
Albergus: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Let us speak of our business. I have called you here because you are brother scholars, acquainted with the university, and students of the renowned Doctor Faustus. I have also heard that you are available for delicate work and for a reasonable fee can keep your mouths shut. I trust I have not been mislead?
Dicolini: I keepa my mouth shut for nothing. Robin, his mouth cost extra.
Robin opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue, from which a price tag dangles.
Albergus: What I want you to do is keep an eye on Doctor Faustus for me.
Dicolini: Atsa different story. Eyes cost more.
Albergus: No, no. "Keep an eye on him"--that's just an expression.
Dicolini: You want the whole expression, it cost you a pretty penny. We give you a pretty expression, though.
Robin puffs out his cheeks, purses his lips and crosses his eyes. Albergus controls himself, ignores him.
Albergus: I want you to find out how Faustus spends his evenings. Does he practice black magic? Is he in league with infernal forces? And I need proof, the sooner the better. Should you do this for me, your investigation shall receive such thanks as fits aking's remembrance.
Dicolini: How much you gonna pay?
Albergus: I'll pay you ten silver pieces.
Dicolini: We a-no want no pieces. We want the whole thing.
Robin honks a horn and nods, surly.
Albergus: Another ten pieces then, if you provide me the information I need. That's all.
Dicolini: How do we know thatsa all?
Albergus: What?
Dicolini: Look, we shadow Faustus for you, how we gonna know when you give us ten pieces thatsa the whole thing?
Albergus: But I'm offering you twenty pieces for shadowing Faustus.
Dicolini: See what I mean? First you gotta ten pieces, now you gotta twenty pieces, but we no gotta the whole thing.
Albergus: You shadow Faustus for me, and then we'll talk about the whole thing.
Dicolini: You no understand. Suppose I drop a vase, itsa break. How many pieces I got? I don't know; I gotta count them. Now you give me ten pieces, you give me twenty pieces, I still don't have them all, maybe. I shatter vase, we shadow Faustus, itsa same thing: we no gonna do the job until we know we getta the whole thing.
As Albergus and Dicolini haggle, Robin creeps behind them. He draws another fish from the folds of his ragged cloak and slips it onto Albergus's chair. Albergus, arguing with Dicolini, draws a kerchief from his sleeve, mops his brow, and sits down. A moment later he lets out a strangled cry and leaps from the chair, cracking his knee on the table. He picks up the fish and holds it out at arm's length.
Albergus: What's this?
Robin whips a sword out and lunges, impaling the fish and the sleeve of Albergus's doublet. Albergus steps back and slips on the first fish. His arms fly up, jerking Robin toward him. Dicolini catches Albergus under the armpits, and Robin sprawls on top of him.
Dicolini: You no fool me, boss. Atsafish.
Albergus and Robin struggle to get up, but Robin's hand is caught in the guard. When they make it to their feet the pommel is wedged under the clasp that holds Albergus's cloak closed around his neck. The sword guard presses against his throat, and his arm stretches the length of the blade as if tied to a splint. Chin forced high into the air, Albergus whirls around like a manic signpost.
Dicolini: Don't worry, boss. We get you out.
Robin jumps on Albergus's back and shoves a hand down his collar. Dicolini pulls him over onto the table. He lies spread-eagled while Robin pulls the sword up through the collar, across his neck. Afraid they will cut his throat, he struggles, but Dicolini is sitting on his left arm.
Dicolini: Relax. We take care of everything.
Robin draws the sword completely out and the fish catches against Albergus's throat. Robin shakes hands with Dicolini. Albergus sits up, stands, tugs his clothes into order, trying to compose himself.
Albergus: Gentlemen. I trust we are in agreement now--you'll do this piece of work for me?
Dicolini: We do the whole thing.
Robin honks. Albergus steers them toward the door, his arms across their shoulders.
Albergus: Splendid. Remember now, should you meet me in public, I'm a stranger.
Dicolini: Stranger than who?
Albergus: Us. You and I--and your friend, of course. Strangers.
Dicolini: Hesa stranger than both of us put together.
Albergus: So I'm beginning to understand.
Dicolini: We gotta go now. We're gonna be late for the classes we wanna miss.
Albergus: My apologies for detaining you. Just make sure you get me something I can use against Faustus.
Robin pulls a red-hot poker out of the robe. He grips the iron in both hands, waving it under Albergus's nose. Albergus falls back; Robin offers him the poker. Dicolini shoves Robin.
Dicolini: Whatsa matter for you? You crazy? The boss no play poker!
Robin, hurt, puts the poker back in his robe.
Scene Three
Lights come up on a classroom. At the front is a raised platform with a table, a lectern and behind it a blackboard. A window to the streets of Wittenberg at the left, a doorway at right. Students gathering before class, Among them are Albergus, sitting in the front row, and Wagner, Faustus's fag, likewise in front.
Albergus: You seem melancholy today, young student. Did your master take last night's misunderstanding amiss?
Wagner: I don't think he misunderstood anything. He did make me pick a card. Something he calls three card monte.
Albergus: He predicted your future?
Wagne
r: Not exactly. But he won back my salary for the next six months. As long as it keeps me close to her, it doesn't matter.
Albergus: I see you are reading divine Homer. Practicing your Greek?
Wagner: Only dreaming of Helen, fairer than the evening air, clad in beauty of a thousand stars. Her lips suck forth my soul; see where it flies! Here will I dwell, for heaven be in these hips.
WAGNER'S SONG:
I came to work for Faustus seeking scientific sport
Over universal secrets to emote
But then one early evening as I was cleaning out his rooms
I caught a glimpse of Helen
And that was all she wrote
Yes it's true, I can't deny it
I'm in love with Helen's ghost
A spirit maiden, made of mist
My equanimity is toast
Her ectoplasmic thighs
Call from me so many sighs
That it isn't even funny
(Please don't laugh.)
Her hair it glows like golden wheat
Let's not talk about her feet
Skin of alabaster pure
A fleshy spirit, that's for sure
They say her face launched many ships
How I'd love to kiss those lips
Find a way to mingle fluids
(In a chaste way, sir, of course)
To assay those frosty tetons
That a climber never clumb.
Though I cannot speak a sound sir
Please don't tell me that I'm dumb
When I think of her posterior
Fully round and fully packed
I can't imagine one superior
My imagination's racked.
Though it's true she's Greek to me
Nonetheless I seek to be
Round her temple holy shrine
Long to comprehend she's mine.
It's not a problem that's she's dead, sir.
Though my love's an ancient queen
She's as fresh as any daisy
On at Spring morn, that you've seen.
But she comes, and then she goes
She's at Faustus's beck and call
And I've not said any word to her
Just espied her from the hall
At a distance, faintly glowing
Mist of moisture on her skin
Dewy smile, one earlobe showing
But he never lets me in
How I'd love to try her virtue
