by Fiona Lexus
Their heads are held high.
They are on a mission.
The entourage is coming in full force.
Three women, six children, and a shit ton of courage.
I decide I shall call them The Badass Mom Squad.
Because that is what they are. And I am their sidekick. The Robin to their Batman. Their wild card. I am ready for park time.
I earmark my book and slip on my flip flops. I run out the door, but forget my sunglasses and “special potion” which I promised Cindy, so I go back inside for a second to grab it. Right then I see Gertie bitch cat cleaning herself on the dining room table, spreading her legs like the whore that she is. I shake my head and continue to the park.
I cross the street first so I don’t get stopped by my creepy kid neighbor again and park my ass on the bench like always. I decide today is the day to put out my feelers. To see if I can get those crazy Gucci bitch ladies from across town in close proximity to Jonathan at the community ball next week. They seem intent on being the biggest pussy pushers around.
Formal attire and no children sounds like a great opportunity to get drunk and make Jonathan cheat on me so I have an indefinite “out” from our marriage. Again, I know it’s fucked up. I figure if he ends up cheating once at least I can say I just can’t share, and then I don’t have to be the bad guy. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but he’s not being let off the hook that easily.
Cindy is changing her baby, and he smells so bad. She asks me to hand her diapers and wipes from her bag. I go over to her stroller and shuffle around and I grab a diaper. I pull out the small box of wipes and out with it falls an orange prescription bottle. It’s Valium. Odd, I think, because for the amount of alcohol this woman consumes, she should definitely not be taking Valium. But who am I to judge? So I stick it back into the bag and hand her the stuff. She finishes in record time, and her kid is off playing again. Darlene and Kathy are helping their youngsters on the monkey bars, so I decide to take this opportunity to confide in the Alpha female. Cindy runs shit in this town and reminds me slightly of Gemma from Sons of Anarchy. There aren’t many people who I wouldn’t cross, but she is one of them.
“Do you ever think about leaving your husband?” I ask.
“Honey, every woman thinks that from time to time. And if you don’t think they’re flirting with a work colleague, you’re dumber than I thought.” She lights her cigarette and pushes her glasses up onto her head.
“No, I mean for real, Cindy. Like have you ever seriously thought about it?” I am staring at her, hoping for any information.
“Why, what's happening?” She turns to face me.
“Well, nothing drastic, but there are a couple things you should know about Jonathan and I.” I start in, “You see, I was his mistress. And he had many before me as well. He sort of has different opinions about monogamy I guess. Anyway, he used to be my neighbor in New York, so it was pretty easy to bump into each other. I didn’t try to stop the affair. Or I didn’t try hard enough to stop it, like I should have, because his wife knew about it and didn’t care.”
“You’re saying his wife was fine with it?” Cindy isn’t believing me.
“Not exactly. I mean they had an open marriage, so they both had occasional flings. But they also had an agreement that a ‘fling’ is all they would be.” I use my air quotes here, “And nothing more. But with Jonathan and I, it was different.”
“Sort of sounds romantic and sexy to me. You little slut. Why haven’t you told me about this before?” Cindy crosses her legs and is completely involved in our conversation now.
“Well, I just met you not that long ago. Plus…” I pause, How do I explain this to you? I’m thinking.
“This isn’t one of those Fifty Shades of Grey things, right?” Cindy is kidding, but if she only knew.
“No. And I never actually read those books Cindy, they aren’t hardcore enough for me.” I regret saying that. Letting that little secret go out the window as well.
“I see.” Cindy squints her eyes at me. She is thinking, too. “You are just full of mystery young lady. Continue,” Cindy demands.
“So Jonathan has this fetish with taking pictures of women. The women he finds seem to actually like it, which is weird. Anyway, I was one of those women and that is how our affair started. He also went as far as taking work in my father’s business to get close to me. Seems like I would be flattered, but I can’t help having the feeling that he is a total asshole womanizer, and it’s just a matter of time before he’s on to his next victim.” I wince and hope that Cindy accepts what I am saying. I have never told anyone this before. I’m not even sure why I am telling her, except that I feel this connection with her. I hope I am right. I look over to see if Darlene and Kathy are still with their children, and they seem to be having a side conversation, so I continue.
“I guess what I am saying is that I want to stop that from happening before it occurs. And I need your help.” I take a deep breath. I have to remember, Cindy is not my mom. She is reliable.
We sit for a second and Cindy puts out her cigarette in the dirt. She turns to me. “Emily, I am so glad you chose to ask me. What are you thinking?”
I smile and begin to plot my scheme.
6
Looking Good in a Tux
So tonight is the Glen Cove Community Boosters Formal, which is this thing where all of the adult residents get together for a big party where they can show off how amazing they are. Cindy says there will be some awesome people-watching opportunities, and probably one of the only times I can get The Devils in Gucci desperate housewives in the same room as Jonathan.
We pretty much have it all planned out, Cindy and I. Kathy and Darlene know something is up, but we don’t need too many hands in the pot, so Cindy and I decided that if we really want Jonathan to have a sexual escapade with a drunken housewife, we better do the planning ourselves.
I am in my bathroom right now, naked, trying to decide what to wear. I don’t want to look too good, because after all I am trying to get Jonathan to fall out of love with me, not want to jump my bones.
“Hey babe,” Jonathan shouts at me from the other room. “Have you thought about when you might want to get married? I was thinking we could go on a Cruise or something.”
What the fuck? He is so not on the same page as me. He needs to focus less on us and more on the potential pussy which he may be receiving later. Even if he doesn’t know about it yet. Don’t men have some, like, sixth sense about these things?
“No, I’m not sure yet. What’s the rush anyway?” I shout back, hoping to steer him away from wedding talk.
But no, he comes in the bathroom and is looking at me while I curl my hair.
“Damn you look sexy.” He is looking at my ass now.
I turn around and close the door “I need space, you pervert!” I laugh silently. I may even be blushing.
“Ok, but when you’re my wife, no shutting doors in my face.”
I roll my eyes at that comment.
I decide on a cream, sparkly evening gown. I am not sure how it ended up in my closet, but I think Jonathan buys me things while in New York and sneaks them in here. I try it on and it fits like a dream. I need to be more plain I think, so I pull my hair back in a simple low pony tail, and only put on mascara, no extra makeup. I really want to wear flip flops, but when I open the door and see Jonathan fully dressed in a $2000 tuxedo, I realize flip flops may be pushing it.
“Wow, you look great! Can I take that off of you now?”
Jonathan thinks he is so funny.
“No, you may not, but you may pick out shoes for me because I have no idea what to wear to these sort of events. I haven’t been dressed up since my mother tried to put me in the pageant system when I was younger.”
“That sounds scary.” Jonathan replies as he rummages through our closet. Damn he looks so amazing in his garb. I can’t stop looking at him. Pull yourself together, Emily! You are a fucking adult, so stop dro
oling. He will just leave you for another hussy in a couple of years and you’ll end up just like Molly, so stay focused.
I am depressing myself. Right then Jonathan hands me a black pair of heels. I frown at him.
“Seriously? Heels?” I ask.
“I’m afraid so.” He is making fun of me.
They fit, so what they hell. We are ready and I am gearing up for this night of social awkwardness and despicable hairlines. I smoked a little weed before getting dressed and it’s starting to take effect. A nice calming effect.
We get into the car and Jonathan grabs my hand and kisses it. He is not helping my case against him, and really needs to cut that shit out.
We arrive and I can already tell I will hate it. We walk in the front door and I spot the waiter who's coming around with the glasses of champagne. I stop him and grab two. I drink both of them. Jonathan grabs one for himself.
“Slow down crazy, we just got here,” He says to me and I glare.
Jonathan sees Bill Butcher, a work colleague, and asks if he can go say hello, and I let him. I am scanning the room for Cindy, but the bitch isn’t here yet. I decide to make haste to the bathroom.
Bad decision. Woman are gathered here like it's Black Friday at Macy’s. Putting on lipstick, looking in the mirrors, and washing hands. There are two couches which are consumed by three older women with large diamond earrings.
I try to back out slowly, in my usual Emily fashion, when I hear a loud shrieking voice. “Emily, darling, how are you?”
I turn and the voice is none other than Bethany Mitchell.
Devil #1.
Perfect.
I turn and put on my best face. I smile. It probably looks more like a pug trying to go to the bathroom, but I am trying nonetheless.
“Bethany, how are you?” I ask.
“Oh, I’m just wonderful. That line of cocaine just leveled me right out.” She laughs as she sloshes her glass of wine. She’s one of those people who talks with their hands. She’s constantly flailing them about. She has long boney fingers and even longer nails, and it just reminds me of a female version of Edward Scissorhands.
Not to insult Edward, but he had quite the problem.
“Bethany, I’d like you to meet someone when you get the chance.” Right then, as this sentence is literally exiting my mouth, Cindy grabs my arm and pulls me away. She storms out the door and is pulling me with her like I am one of her children, being scolded.
“Ouch, what the hell? I was making the first move. Where have you been?” I ask.
Cindy holds her hand up to my face. “You don’t talk to them, love, you have to make them dislike you if you want this to work. If you want Bethany to be all over your, whatever he is, Jonathan, then you can’t be buddy-buddy. Be a rude bitchy whore like me. It’s way more fun.” Cindy has a great point. What was I thinking?
“Ok, sorry, I guess you are right. Where have you been anyways? I intentionally made Jonathan and I late so I wouldn’t be put in this sort of situation.” I huff as I straighten my dress.
“Sorry, little Albert got sick and the babysitter was late. Never have children, Emily.” Cindy makes me laugh and then she starts to laugh too.
“So where is your husband, Cindy?” I ask as we start to make our way over to Darlene and Kathy who are standing by the food.
The formal is being held in the Community Library which was built in the late 1800’s and is really quite stunning. Looking around the room, I see the trouble someone has gone to to make this place look like a twinkling fairy tale. There’s even a grand staircase leading up to the second story which is covered in lights. There is a live band playing and a full bar. This isn’t half bad, except for all of the people.
Cindy says, “My beloved husband is escorting his mother around at the moment. She has all of the power in this family. She is the reason I drink.” Cindy takes a sip of her wine. I look at her. She is so tall. Reminds me of Cindy Crawford. It’s starting to add up in pieces. The drinking, the Valium, the mother-in-law.
“So when do we start our plan?” I ask Cindy before we reach the others. Darlene and Kathy are waving at us.
“Just let me do most of the work, love. Trust me, it will be better that way.”
The four of us drink and laugh and say hello to a few older members of the community. And before I know it, Cindy has slipped away. She’s a sly fox, that one.
I’m a couple glasses of champagne in, and scanning the room for Jonathan. I catch him walking around looking for me. Aw, pathetic puppy dog. I raise my hand to signal the poor bastard, and just then Bethany Mitchell approaches him and touches his arm. He steps aside to talk to her. For some reason I have this crazy sensation of jealousy and all I want to do is bash her face in. But I have to stick with my plan, to save myself from some ridiculous amount of humiliation later.
Kathy grabs my arm, “Honey, what are you looking at?” She’s starting to scan the room as well.
“Oh, nothing, just people watching.” I lie. “So tell me how you and Michael met.” I ask, sort of curious, but also just trying to distract her from Cindy’s plan in motion.
Kathy seems flattered that I asked her, and she actually puts her drink down in order to engage.
“Michael and I met in Europe. He was on a trip with his wife, and I was on a trip with my husband. We met up on a cruise there, and we just sort of switched!” She says this so nonchalantly I almost didn’t catch it. I shake my head and then face her more directly.
“You switched?” I ask, furrowing my brow.
“Oh, well, we realized on our trip how much more compatible we were with the others’ partner, so we just sort of did a switcharoo. I mean, none of us were happy. And now we are. We still have dinner every once and awhile.” She says smiling.
“So you still have dinner with your ex, and his now wife, whose ex husband is now your husband?” I talk slowly to make sure I have it right.
“Ya, and the kids get along which is really great. It’s complicated sometimes, but it all worked out for the best.” Kathy picks up her drink and swigs it. Like clockwork, her husband Michael arrives at her side and tells her he wants her to meet a work colleague of his and would I excuse them for a moment. I nod my head, but there is no way in hell I’m thinking of him the same way again. I guess I didn’t realize how complicated people's lives are. Makes Jonathan and me look somewhat normal.
Just as Kathy and Michael leave my presence, Cindy approaches grinning ear to ear.
“Did you see Bethany? She is all over Jonathan, and he just can’t leave. She has him trapped by the food table. This is fun.” She keeps looking over my shoulder at Jonathan and Bethany.
“Cindy, did you know about Kathy and her husband?” I ask, needing clarification.
“Know about what?” She is distracted.
“That they swapped partners in Europe? Isn’t that sort of weird to you?” I am tapping her shoulder. She is so distracted.
“Oh, no honey that happened so long ago. She is much happier now. But yes, fucked up. Every relationship is. You think you shocked me with your story Emily? I’ve heard some crazy shit in my day, trust me.” Cindy pulls on my arm. “C’mon let's go outside to smoke before Jonathan spots you and waves us over to rescue him. Even if they don’t sleep together, at least he’s getting an unwanted earful.” She seems very pleased with herself.
We go to sit outside and I realize I haven’t eaten anything today. I am feeling woozy. Cindy and I sit in our dresses on the brick steps out back of the library. It’s a perfect night and I start to wonder what it would be like to dance with Jonathan right about now. We sit and smoke. And Cindy pats my leg and reassures me that everything will be fine.
“Well, honey, I should really find my husband and head home. It’s ten and the babysitter has to leave soon. You gonna be okay without me?” She asks. I panic for a minute, because no I won’t be fine. But I nod and tell her thank you. She heads back inside and I stay sitting.
I guess I will just let
whatever is happening inside play out. Jonathan and Bethany. Her old, sterile looking face potentially rubbing up against his. Her millions of diamonds being flashed in his face. Her large fake breasts popping out of her dress. She is pretty much the opposite of me.
Wait.
What am I doing?
Poor bastard. Jonathan has no idea what a bitch I am being right now. Maybe I should save him.
I imagine running inside, throwing Bethany Mitchell down on the floor and letting the whole crowd watch Jonathan take advantage of me right there on the library floor. His thick, tan abs tightening with every thrust. My ass hanging in the air and my breasts bouncing all over the place. I shake my head and realize my fantasy is not an option.
I stand up and turn around to find Jonathan standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” I say and wave my hand pathetically from side to side, like I used to when we first met. When I was odd and tried not to embarrass myself. Who am I kidding? I’m still odd.
“Hey baby, where have you been hiding?” He asks and he walks down the steps to meet my level.
I stare up at him and he looks so good to me. Goddam him!
“You wouldn’t believe my night,” I say.
“Well, it can’t beat mine. Do you know a Bethany something? She’s sort of tall, older, huge breasts?” He asks as he uses his hands to show me the size of her bosoms.
“I think I’ve heard of her, why?” I am pressing.
“Oh, nothing, just never let her talk to you. Like, ever. Her husband really needs to keep a leash on her.” Jonathan puts his hands in his pockets. His tie is undone and he seems ready to go.
“Well, I’m finding out more and more what marriage is actually like.” I fumble and regret that I just said that.
