What else could she do?
Chapter Nine
Had Joshua overreached? Elizabeth was strangely silent on the ride home and he wondered if he’d shocked her. Why had he pressed her to do those deviant things, which soothed the wolf and drove the man into a sexual frenzy? He was a sick bastard with no regard for his wife. His doubts were loud and unrelenting.
They reached Arundale Hall and he was surprised to realize it was still daylight, the sun breaking over the moor toward its midday position. He helped Elizabeth from her saddle and she dropped into his arms like a feather.
Emotion choked him. “Elizabeth…”
Her gaze met his and her hand stroked his cheek. “Yes?”
He couldn’t hold her cold stare. “I’m a brute.”
“Yes, you are,” she said and he heard resignation in her tone. “I knew that when I married you ten years ago.”
When he finally glanced at her face, he wanted to see the tenderness, the love he’d so desperately missed those lonely years in Jamaica. He didn’t deserve it. For some reason, his mate both brought the Beast to the surface and placated it. He needed her to feel anything and realized he’d been like a limb bound up, the nerves numbed and dead. Only Elizabeth could bring him to life, create an overwhelming joy within him that he had no idea how to handle.
The words hovered on his lips, but his doubts squashed them again. His passion lay right at the surface, yet the wolf was content and silent. Clearly, Elizabeth was the answer to all his struggles, all his pain. But what if she didn’t feel the same? He couldn’t take the rejection.
The tangle of fear, love, need and guilt twisted inside him, his stomach tight. He opened his mouth to say the irrevocable words to bind her to him when Botter’s shout interrupted them.
“Thank God! My lord, we were so worried.” Botter’s face was creased with concern.
“All is well, Botter. My wife and I just took a long ride together on the moor.”
“We feared the worst when Lady Elizabeth’s horse returned without her,” Botter said with a frown. “I take it Thunder bolted?”
“I’m afraid I wasn’t very careful,” Elizabeth said cautiously.
“Anything occur while we were gone?” Joshua wrapped his arm around Elizabeth as they walked back to the house and tried to ignore the way she stiffened.
“No, my lord. Lord Perry hasn’t returned and the rest of the household is quiet.” Botter tipped his hat. “I’ll take care of your horse, my lord.”
“Thank you, Botter. Sorry we worried you.”
Botter grinned. “It’s good to see you and your lady had a nice ride.”
As the man led his horse to the stables, Joshua shook his head. “I think Botter was trying to be discreet.”
He stopped and cupped her face in his hands to brush her lips with his. “Elizabeth—”
“Well, you’ve finally arrived, have you?” Melinda appeared in the front doorway.
Joshua let his gaze linger on his wife’s face before he faced his cousin. “Yes, we have.”
Melinda looked as if she hadn’t slept and tension stretched the skin over her cheeks in an unappealing manner. She had applied rouge, but its contrast only emphasized the paleness of her natural color.
She crossed her arms and glared at them. “I’m shocked that you would gallivant across the moors while a vicious monster is loose, ready to kill us all.”
Joshua tucked Elizabeth’s arm through his and strode into the foyer. “I will not allow these killings to keep me locked in my own home, cousin.”
Sara waited within to take their coats and hats. He turned to face Melinda. “I’ve written to Lady North. She is expecting you next week. I hope you have taken this time to consider your situation.”
Melinda’s lips tightened. “Such as whether I will abandon my son to your household? I have considered it and rejected it. Gerry will go with me.”
Joshua gritted his teeth. “You are determined, then, to drag him down with you?”
The woman tipped her chin. “I am determined to do exactly as I wish.”
“So be it,” Joshua said quietly. “I wish you would reconsider, but I can see your mind is set. I am sorry for Gerry.”
Her smile was unpleasant. “Don’t be. Mayhap I will marry a man better situated than you are,” she said smugly.
Joshua sighed and held Elizabeth’s hand while he headed for the library. “I doubt it.”
As he and Elizabeth entered the other room, he heard Melinda mutter under her breath, “You’ll be sorry. Very sorry.”
It made him uneasy. Melinda seemed confident that she would find another. Perhaps she already had. But any man who would propose to Melinda should have done so out in the open. The fact that someone might be taking advantage of her rankled him.
“She has to find her own path, Joshua. She doesn’t want to be your responsibility,” Elizabeth said as she tugged her hand away from his.
“I have an uncomfortable feeling that she is in danger of making a fool of herself.”
Elizabeth nodded. “You are probably right. But you can only try to prevent it if she will let you.”
“I could prohibit her associating with anyone without my permission,” he said arrogantly. In the eyes of society, he would be right.
But Elizabeth shook her head. “And send her into the arms of her mysterious suitor even quicker? No. You have control over her spending. That will be enough, believe me.”
He rubbed his chin and wondered again why the hell he’d come home. Then he glanced at his wife and knew. He would have come home murders or not. Jamaica had become a prison of his own making and he had been on the edge of giving up anyway. It had just taken Jaimison’s letter and fear for his mate to spur him to action.
But she was still distant, still angry with him. He clenched his hands into fists and risked all. “You asked once what happened in Jamaica.”
Her head snapped up and she stared at him. “I did.”
“Sit down, Elizabeth. What I need to tell you doesn’t excuse my behavior, my staying away for all these years, but it may help you to understand.”
She sat down, perched on the edge of the chair, her back straight and unyielding.
He couldn’t sit. He paced the room, his mind screaming out against his intention to share this with any other human being.
“I was a slaver.”
Four of the hardest words he’d ever said were out of his mouth. He kept his gaze on the desk in front of him and endured her silence for several minutes. “After I left you, and around the time I killed that man, I spiraled into insanity. I gave up on honor, on duty, on all the things my mother and father taught me while they were alive.” He forced himself to meet her gaze. “In short, I became one of the lowest forms of life on earth. I made myself give you up, but I was nothing without you.”
Her eyes were misty but she pursed her lips and said nothing. He gritted his teeth and continued regardless of her cold demeanor. “I used human beings like animals, hating all people. I was a wreck, miserable, and I spread my hidden disease to anyone who came into contact with me.” He kept his gaze steady, holding hers. “Three years ago, a doctor who knew I’d murdered and knew how I’d killed the man found me again.” He smiled wanly. “He lectured me, reminding me that I had a duty to my family, to my name.”
“But you still stayed away.” Her pain, her agony, vibrated across the space between them. He rose from his chair and fell to his knees in front of her.
“I was filthy, a damaged person with no heart, no soul. It took me a year to get out of the slaving business and two more to feel human again.” He rested his forehead on her knee. “I wasn’t fit to kiss your feet.”
“What makes you think you are now?” she snapped.
He glanced up and held her angry stare. “I can’t live without you.”
“Because I’m your mate,” she said with a sneer in her voice.
With one swift movement, he rose and dragged her to her feet. “Be
cause without you, there is no sun, no moon, no stars. Because I am a Beast in all ways when I’m away from you.”
Tears gathered in her eyes and the lines around her mouth deepened. “So you say.”
He cupped her face with his hands and used his thumbs to wipe away the tears that began to fall. “I will prove it to you. I don’t know how long it will take me, but I will.”
She blinked, moisture clinging to her lashes like dew. “Even though I may never be able to forgive you?”
His heart clenched and his throat closed. For a moment he couldn’t speak, almost couldn’t breathe. It wouldn’t be easy. But Elizabeth had much to forgive him and he had given her very little reason to believe his words.
The truth remained. He loved her, needed her desperately. It ripped him apart inside that she might hate him, might never love him back, but what had he expected after doing what he had done?
His neck was stiff but he nodded. “Even if you cannot forgive me, I will stay beside you.”
Her lips trembled. “Loving you was never the problem, my lord,” she whispered.
A streak of joy shot through him. “Elizabeth—”
She stepped away and held up her hand. “I do not trust you.”
His hopes plummeted to his shoes but he held on to the knowledge that his mate still loved him. From that, perhaps the trust would come. “I will not give up.”
She smiled and it was as if the sun had broken out. “I am counting on it.” Her chin tipped up and she gave him a level stare. “Now, shall we go and deal with your brother?”
He crossed the room and took her small hand in his. For a moment, he just stared at it. It wasn’t a lily-soft hand like those of some ladies of his acquaintance, but rugged, firm. Her fingers were long and slender but he noted the strength in them. “You’ve dealt with him for ten years. I can go alone.” They both knew where Perry would go. Everret’s would be the safest place for him and he would run there eventually.
She was silent and he finally glanced up at her face. Her free hand stroked his cheek. “Would my presence help or hinder you?”
Several ideas flicked through his mind. The tableau with Marcus had been so powerful, so arousing, that doing it again tempted Joshua beyond reason. “I’m not sure,” he said honestly. The need for his wife both aroused the Beast within and soothed it. He needed to dominate his brother and prove to him that control was the answer. Elizabeth tested that control.
“Let me accompany you, and if you feel I’m in the way, I’ll go home,” she said calmly.
He yanked on the hand he still held and wrapped his arm around her waist. With his mouth only a breath away, he whispered, “You’re never in the way.”
The way she sagged against him when he pressed his lips to hers made his heart pound and his blood simmer. Elizabeth was his weakness and his strength. How the hell had he lived all those years apart from her?
She moaned in protest when he broke the kiss. He brushed a loose strand of her hair away from her forehead. “You’re sure you’re not too sore from this morning?”
She raised one eyebrow. “Does it matter if I am?”
His hand slid over her shoulder, covered now by her gown, where he knew his teeth had marked her. “No.”
Her gaze held his steadily. “Then take me.”
He blinked, only seconds from doing just that—taking her against the library wall. “Imp,” he said.
When she grinned he jerked her closer and bent her over his arm to kiss the smile away.
“You’ll have to change,” he commented when he finally lifted his mouth from hers.
She blinked rapidly. “Into what?” she asked.
“Trust me.” He turned her toward the door. “I have a gift for you.”
Her brow furrowed. “A gift? When did you have time to get me a gift?”
“When I was in London, before I arrived at Arundale. I thought I needed to bring my wife a present.” He gently led her out of the library. “But when I arrived…”
“You found me cold and unforgiving,” she said in a low voice.
When she said the words, he heard her regret. “You have every reason to be angry with me, Elizabeth, and I did not lessen it when I came home.” He slipped his hand behind the nape of her neck and reveled in her trembling. “It was not the time for my gift.”
“I know what gift I would prefer,” she mumbled.
They had reached the top of the stairs when her words reached his ears. They electrified him. He tightened his grip on the back of her neck and turned her toward him. “You’re making me insatiable,” he said, and growled deep in his throat when she molded her body to his.
“Am I?” Her voice shook a little and he held her close.
How had he got so fortunate? He kissed the top of her head, his insides shaking, his mind reeling. He didn’t deserve her at all. But he was going to keep her.
They reached her bedchamber but he diverted her to the room next door. To his room.
While in London, he’d prepared for his homecoming by purchasing a gown for his wife. It hadn’t been easy, since the dressmaker hadn’t seen Lady Arundale in two years. He could only hope her measurements hadn’t changed much.
In fact, seeing her now, he realized she’d lost weight since she’d last been to Madame Travino’s. But the dress would still fit her.
Elizabeth hesitated at the door but he pulled her in. “Come and see my present for you.”
Her lips lifted. “I thought we were going out.”
He chuckled and opened his traveling trunk. Lying on top was the evening gown he’d got for Elizabeth. Now he wondered if he’d done a good job choosing. The dress was sea green, a color he remembered seeing her in when they were young. It had a daring neckline that had made Madame’s eyebrows rise, but Joshua had been firm. The waist was high and the material clingy, but he loved the soft look of the gown.
Her eyes were wide. “You want me to wear that?”
“You don’t like it?”
“Not like it?” Her fingers touched the soft folds. “It’s beautiful.”
“Put it on, Elizabeth,” he ordered. Then, he softened his tone. “Please.”
“Joshua—”
He began to unbutton her dress, helping her out of the simple blue gown she wore. “Now, little flower.”
She stripped off her dress and slipped the new gown over her head. It draped over her just as he’d hoped it would, clinging to her sweet curves and presenting him with a delectable vision of her cleavage.
“Stunning,” he said and ran a possessive finger along her neckline.
Her nipples hardened and he saw them through the material. It made him hunger for her, yearn to crush her to him. Instead he reached up and yanked out the pins that held her hair up. “I hate your hair up. Wear it down.”
Her lashes dropped to her cheeks. “Yes, my lord.”
God, he loved her hair. Elizabeth had curly brown tresses that fell to the middle of her back and curled around her face in thick waves. “Let me help you to brush it.”
“I can do it,” she said in a low voice.
“I wasn’t asking, Elizabeth.”
She glanced up at him and the heat in her brown eyes made his cock jump. She sat in the velvet-covered chair at the desk and he retrieved a new brush he’d bought for her. He held it out for her to see. “I brought this from Jamaica.” The handle was made of ivory and the delicate designs had reminded him of the girl he’d married. Imported from France, the brush came with a comb and a case inlaid with ivory.
He laid the bristles along her scalp and ran the brush through her hair. With his fingers, he lifted the heavy strands and paid close attention to each curl. He loved the way her hair danced in his hands, electricity sparking and tingling. Her hips shifted and he twisted his hand in her hair to pull her head back. She met his gaze and he brushed the hair away from her face while he pressed his lips to hers.
When he broke the kiss, he used the stiff bristles to stroke the expos
ed flesh above her breasts. He traced the daring neckline he’d presumed to buy her. He loved the way her skin reddened under his ministrations.
“I believe Melinda will be no more trouble,” he began.
“She came to Arundale with an agenda, I’m afraid,” Elizabeth said, her shoulders tight.
“Most people have a hidden agenda, my love.”
“I don’t,” she said bluntly.
“No? Then why didn’t you tell me what you’d read? Why did you keep our correspondence about business?”
She stiffened. “I told you. You didn’t want anything personal that might be read by others. What was I supposed to do?”
He slid his fingers across her neck and she shivered. “Trust me to read between the lines?”
“I couldn’t, Joshua. I thought—”
“You thought I’d run from you and sought love elsewhere.”
Her silence was answer enough. The tension between them stretched and tightened.
“Do you understand everything you read in those diaries?” he asked her, trying to distract them both.
She blinked, her gaze clouded. “I understand that you need…pain to keep the Beast at bay.” She glanced at him, licked her lips, then stared down.
“But you don’t understand Perry.”
Elizabeth’s chest rose and fell as she took a deep breath. “He… Every time I’ve found him, he’s been tied up and whipped. Not like— I mean, he wasn’t dominating.”
“He was tied up like you were tied up.”
Finally she raised her gaze to meet his. “Yes.”
Joshua had a strong feeling he knew why his brother sought a different kind of release. “The doctor, the one who helped me, explained something to me.” He remembered how difficult that decision had been. He’d had to trust someone, reach out to someone for help. “When the Beast is close, exertion of a certain kind is the only thing that works to satisfy its craving.”
“Sexual exertion,” she guessed.
He nodded. “Yes. And pain. I exorcised my Beast by fighting, taking thrashings or dishing them out. But my brother is using sex to reach the same goal. Once he finds his mate, he won’t have to do that.”
Wolf of Arundale Hall Page 13
