Buying Llamas Off the Internet

by Ian Edwards

  ‘I got you one of these…’ James finished and stood, moving across to the windows to slowly raise the blinds.

  ‘This,’ he said, grinning, ‘is from me to you.’

  Amy stood up and looked through the windows out at the garden.

  ‘A Wendy House?’ she said, her eyes shifting from the scene in the garden to James.

  ‘It’s not a Wendy House, it’s an Enchanted Castle,’ James told her. ‘But look closely. There’s something else.’

  Amy walked up to the window and stared out.

  ‘What am I looking at? It’s a Wendy House …sorry, an Enchanted Castle,’ she said correcting herself.

  ‘Look closer,’ James said, turning to join his wife at the window. Realising there was nothing further to see, he opened the French Doors. ‘Come on, I’ll show you.’

  James led Amy to the Enchanted Castle. ‘Go on, look inside,’ he told her.

  Amy peered into the castle, a little apprehensive as to what she might find.

  ‘There’s nothing there,’ she said. ‘Apart from some bales of hay.’

  James looked into the castle. ‘Oh shit. He’s got out.’

  Amy grabbed James’s arm. ‘What’s that behind the bales?’ she said and pointed into the corner of the castle.

  James looked to where Amy was pointing. Stretched out behind the bales of hay, partially hidden by one of the turrets was the llama.

  ‘There he is,’ James said proudly.

  ‘What is it?’ Amy whispered.

  ‘It’s a llama,’ James whispered back. ‘I told you I bought you something to cheer you up.’

  ‘You bought me a llama to cheer me up?’ Amy repeated still whispering.

  ‘Yes,’ James nodded as if to endorse the point. ‘Why are you whispering?’ he added.

  ‘So I don’t wake him.’

  ‘Good point.’

  ‘Hang on a minute,’ Amy said, her voice no longer a whisper. ‘Firstly, I don’t know why I’m whispering and secondly why the hell have you bought me a llama?’

  ‘To cheer you up. I told you.’

  ‘You bought me a llama to cheer me up?’

  ‘Yep. You said you liked them.’

  ‘Just because I said I liked the llamas didn’t mean I wanted to get one. What if we’d gone to Sea World and I’d said I like sharks. Would you have bought me Jaws?’

  James opened his mouth to reply, but Amy continued. ‘I’m sorry Amy, you can’t use the bath anymore because I’ve bought you a bloody shark,’ she mocked.

  ‘But you said you liked them,’ James protested.

  ‘What possessed you to buy a bloody llama?’

  ‘I told you, to cheer you up.’

  Amy stared at her husband in disbelief.

  ‘Alan said to get you something that you liked.’

  Amy through her arms in the air. ‘I should have known Alan would be involved. Put the two of you together and you manage to halve your IQ.’

  ‘You can name him,’ James said, hoping this might placate his furious wife.

  ‘Oh can I?’ Amy said sarcastically. ‘In that case everything’s OK. I’ll call him dipstick, after you.’

  ‘Don’t be like that Ames. It’s supposed to be a gift to cheer you up. I even got some pan pipe music to make him feel at home.’

  Amy sighed. ‘James, we live in South West London. We don’t live on the lower slopes of the Andes. A llama is not indigenous to this part of the world.’

  ‘They’re very adaptable. He’ll be OK.’

  ‘You’ll have to send him back.’

  ‘Oh, come on Ames, he’s got nowhere else to go.’

  ‘James…’ Amy warned.

  ‘At least think about it.’

  Amy shrugged and walked back to the house.

  *

  James poured out the last dregs of coffee from the thermos flask and gripped the cup, warming his cold hands against the cold night. He leaned against the castle walls and continued talking to the llama.

  ‘I’ve never been to Peru, so I don’t know what’s it like, but I did see Paddington at the cinema. He’s from Peru too, like you. Maybe you know him?’

  The llama continued to eat the bale of hay, seemingly indifferent to Peruvian bears.

  ‘Anyway,’ James continued, ‘I know that you like pan pipe music, so I got some CDs to make you feel at home.’

  ‘What are you doing out here?’

  James looked up as Amy appeared next to him.

  ‘I’m talking to him,’ James nodded at the llama. ‘It’s his first night in a new place, and I didn’t want him to be on his own.’

  Amy smiled and rubbed her husband’s arm. ‘You really are an idiot aren’t you?’

  ‘He can’t go back,’ James said. ‘He’s actually here under a witness protection programme.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Amy frowned.

  ‘The llama. He’s here under a witness protection programme,’ he looked around furtively. ‘He saw things. Things that he has to keep quiet. He can’t go back.’

  ‘Have you just made that up?’ Amy grinned.

  James nodded. ‘Maybe. He doesn’t like to talk about it,’ he said, nodding to the llama.

  Amy turned and walked back to the house, leaving James leaning against the castle wall.

  James finished his coffee and placed the cup back on the top of the Thermos. ‘If you get bored of the pan pipe music, I can try you on some Springsteen. Trust me, everyone loves a bit of The Boss.’

  ‘Love what?’

  James turned to see Amy wearing a thick padded coat, a bag over her shoulder and carrying a couple of patio chairs.

  ‘Thought you’d want some company,’ she said, sitting in one of the chairs.

  ‘That’s great thanks,’ James smiled as he dropped into the other chair.

  Amy reached down and picked up the Thermos.

  ‘It’s empty’, James said. ‘I’ll make some more in a minute.’

  ‘No rush. I also brought these,’ she said, taking two bottles of lager out of the bag and passing him one, together with a bottle opener.

  ‘Cheers,’ James said as he opened a bottle and passed it to his wife.

  Amy accepted the bottle and took a drink. ‘So tell me, what do llamas eat?’

  James looked at his wife and smiled. He knew she’d come round.

  Chapter 22.

  Amy lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. James lay next to her, his gentle snoring reminding her of his earlier efforts playing the bagpipes. She replayed the events of the day over and over in her head. Once she had overcome the shock of coming home to find that James had bought her a llama and a Wendy House – sorry Enchanted Castle - it hadn’t been a bad day at all. They had sat in the garden with the llama for a couple of hours until it got late, the llama snuggling into the bales of hay and straw and going to sleep, completely unphased by its recent upheaval.

  They had discussed the practicalities (and benefits, according to James) of having a llama as a pet, decided that it could continue to be called Charlie and she had to accept it was one of the best nights she had had for a very long time. She had forgotten about Clive Oneway, that night, and the police investigation entirely.

  Amy looked over at the clock on the bedside table. 1.15 am. She was finding it harder to get to sleep these days without having a drink. OK, she had had a couple of beers this evening, but that didn’t really count. She decided to give it another half an hour, and if she still couldn’t get to sleep she would liberate the bottle of wine still in the fridge.

  Amy turned over and sighed, Clive Oneway once more dominating her thoughts. Her stomach began to turn summersaults at her fear of being caught. She was desperate for information about the investigation, but didn’t dare call Rosie to see if Jayne had any updates. This morning she had bought a week pass for the health club that Rosie and Jayne belonged to, spending several hours waiting and hoping that she might accidently bump into them. She had attended an aerobics class, a spin cla
ss, ran 10k on a treadmill and sat in the sauna for what seemed like hours and still hadn’t met either of them.

  Amy took another look at the clock. 1.25 am. She felt more awake now than she did when getting into bed. Wine was looking a distinct possibility. After further deliberation, Amy decided to go to the gym every day until she saw Rosie and Jayne. Satisfied that she had a workable plan, Amy glanced once more at the clock, slipped out of bed and set off to finish the wine.

  *

  Amy visited the gym on Monday and Tuesday evening. She ran on the treadmill, lifted weights, cycled miles, and did countless stretches without seeing her friends. On both nights she used a treadmill giving her the best view of the car park so that she could look out for Rosie’s car. On Tuesday evening she ran a personal best for 10km and celebrated with a vegetable smoothie in the bar afterwards, all the while she kept an eye on the door.

  Wednesday evening she was 4km into her run when she saw Rosie’s Audi pull into the car park. She watched as Rosie left the car, slung her bag over her shoulder and headed towards the entrance. Amy calculated that she had about ten minutes before she could intercept her so she ran hard for a few minutes, powered down the treadmill and headed for the changing rooms.

  ‘Amy,’ Rosie cried out as Amy entered the changing rooms. ‘I didn’t know you were a member here.’

  ‘Oh, hi Rosie,’ Amy said, wiping sweat from her brow with a towel, ‘I bought a week’s membership to see if I like the place. I’m thinking of changing gyms and thought I’d see what this place was like. I forgot you were a member here.’

  ‘A couple of years now,’ Rosie patted her stomach. ‘Doesn’t seem to be working though,’ she grinned.

  ‘Rubbish, you’ve hardly got an ounce of fat on you,’ Amy said.

  Rosie laughed. ‘I’ve got a spin class now, are you going to be around in an hour for a drink in the bar?’

  Amy pretended to think about it for a moment. ‘Definitely. I’m going for a sauna, I’ll see you in the bar,’ Amy said, trying her hardest to sound casual.

  ‘OK, I’ll see you later,’ Rosie said. ‘Alan told me James bought a llama. You’ve got to tell me all about it.’

  *

  ‘I blame Alan,’ Amy said.

  Rosie looked puzzled. ‘The vegetable smoothies?’ she asked, gesturing at the two glasses on the table in front of them.

  ‘No, the llama.’

  ‘What’s that got to do with him?’ Rosie asked protectively.

  ‘James told me that it was Alan’s idea. Buy me something I liked, he said,’ Amy frowned.

  ‘Not chocolates or jewellery?’ Rosie asked.

  ‘You’d think so wouldn’t you,’ Amy’s brow creased even further, ‘but Alan and that half-wit husband of mine thought a llama says ‘I love you’ more than chocolates or jewellery.’

  Rosie supressed a laugh. ‘Alan really doesn’t do presents very well. I’m the present buyer in the relationship.’

  Amy and Rosie sat a corner table in the bar of the health club. Once, according to Rosie, it was a ‘proper’ bar, but had recently become a juice bar, only serving fruit and vegetables that had passed through a liquidiser. The green brown liquid that filled their glasses was apparently a blend of broccoli and a special kind of pond algae that would assist recovery after exercise. Amy thought it looked like the evidence that the barman had a heavy cold.

  ‘Anyway, I don’t need cheering up. There’s nothing wrong with me,’ Amy said.

  Rosie took a sip of her smoothie. ‘So what are you going to do about the llama then?’ she asked.

  ‘As far as James is concerned, we’re keeping the bloody thing. He says it’s our pet and we can’t possibly get rid of it.’

  ‘Can llamas be pets?’ Rosie asked.

  ‘James is convinced they are,’ Amy told her.

  Rosie laughed. ‘You’ll have to start taking it for walks. And get yourself a poop-a-scoop.’

  ‘We’ve already got one. But there’s no way I am picking up llama poo. I’ve seen him in action. The bloody thing poos like a horse,’ Amy said and drained her glass. ‘This is foul,’ she said.

  Rosie laughed. ‘It’s supposed to be good for you.’

  ‘What, llama poo or this…stuff..?’

  ‘The smoothie. The barman swears by it.’

  ‘I bet he does. Anyway, isn’t Jayne a member here as well?’ Amy asked innocently.

  Rosie nodded. ‘She is. Hasn’t been down for a while though, she’s so busy at work.’

  ‘That’s a shame, isn’t she working on the Oneway death?’ she asked casually.

  Rosie nodded, ‘I think so.’

  ‘Any developments?’

  ‘Not that she’s told me. But I imagine now they have a suspect, there’ll be an arrest quite quickly. Probably when no one’s expecting it.’

  Amy felt her stomach churn over, but it wasn’t due to the vegetable smoothie.

  *

  Amy stood at the front of the classroom and listened as the children took turns in reading passages from the book in front of them. She nodded encouragingly and offered an occasional ‘well done’ when one of the class said a difficult word. She stared out of the window, content that the story of Mr Squirrel would keep the children’s interest for a while longer.

  ‘Miss,’ one of the children called out, distracting Amy from her thoughts.

  She looked across the classroom, making her way to Dylan who had his hand in the air, whilst struggling to pronounce the word ‘necessary.’ Amy patiently enunciated each syllable before returning to the front of the class. Gazing out of the window, she watched as a police car drove into the playground and came to a stop by the entrance to the school building. Amy felt her face redden and her heartrate increase. She nervously pulled at the collar of her jumper as she watched two police officers leave the car and enter the building.

  ‘Miss,’ another call for help brought her attention back to the class.

  ‘What is it now?’ she snapped, instantly regretting her reaction.

  ‘What’s this word?’

  Amy went over to the child who pointed a podgy finger at the word ‘neither’. She explained the word as quickly and as briefly as possible before returning to the window, where she could see the police car.

  OK, she thought to herself, there’s hundreds of reasons why a police car would visit a school. No need to panic. Just focus on Mr Squirrel. Her resolve strengthened, she took a deep breath and moved away from the window.

  ‘So,’ she said, ‘what do we know about Mr Squirrel? What’s his favourite food?’

  A number of hands shot into air. Amy was about to ask Sophie what she thought when there was a knock on the classroom door.

  The kids gradually lowered their hands as Amy walked across the classroom and opened the door to Freda, the headmaster’s secretary.

  ‘Sorry to interrupt your class Amy,’ Freda said, ‘but can you pop up and see Stretton at break time?’

  Amy swallowed hard, her cheeks flushing. ‘What? Stretton now? Why?’

  Freda shrugged. ‘I don’t know Amy, he never tells me anything. But I’ll tell you something,’ she lowered her voice to a whisper, ‘the police are in with him.’

  Amy nodded and shut the door. She told the class to continue reading Mr Squirrel’s adventures as she slumped down into her chair and began to panic.

  *

  After what seemed like an eternity, the bell finally rang to indicate the end of the lesson. Amy let the children leave the class as quickly as she could and made her way to the headmaster’s office. As she climbed the stairs it crossed her mind to run away, start a new life somewhere else where no one knew her. Finally she reached the headmaster’s office. Sweating profusely, she knocked twice on the door. A green light above the door indicated that she should enter. Amy swallowed, wiped her sweaty brow and entered the headmaster’s office.

  ‘Good Morning Mrs Cook,’ Stretton announced as she walked into his office. Stretton La Mon was in his usual seat be
hind his desk, but Amy couldn’t help but notice the presence of two police officers in the visitors’ chairs.

  ‘Good Morning Headmaster,’ Amy replied, the words sticking to her dry mouth.

  Stretton gestured for her to sit, and she took the last remaining seat alongside the two officers. Amy sat on her shaking hands in the hope that no one noticed how nervous she was.

  ‘Amy, I’d like you to meet Inspector Williams and Constable Stannard,’ Stretton said.

  The two police officers turned to Amy, who could barely meet their gaze.

  ‘They are here as part of the policing in schools programme,’ Stretton paused. ‘A community based project where children can see police officers as friendly and approachable rather than figures of fear.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Amy said, not sure whether she had heard correctly. ‘They’re not here to arrest me?’ she paused and added, ‘I mean…anyone?’

  Stretton looked confused. ‘What are you talking about Mrs Cook? They’re not arresting anybody. They’re here to meet the children, let them sit in their police car and have photographs taken with police hats on. That kind of thing.’ Stretton turned to Inspector Williams, ‘You’re not arresting anybody are you?’

  Inspector Williams smiled. ‘No, not unless you think we should?’ he smiled at Amy.

  ‘Good. That’s all sorted then. No one’s being arrested.’ Stretton said.

  Amy let out a huge breath as the police officers both looked at her and smiled.

  ‘Mrs Cook, I thought it would be a good idea if your class was the first to see the police car, so if you’d like to take Inspector Williams and Constable Stannard down to meet your class…’

  Everyone stood up and Stretton said, ‘If you’d like go with Mrs Cook, she’ll take you down to meet her class.’

  Amy held the door open for the two officers as Stretton sidled up beside her. ‘Mrs Cook, can I have a quick word?’ he asked.

  Amy indicated to the two men that she would only be a minute and gently closed the door. ‘Stretton?’ she said.

  ‘Anything the matter Amy?’ he asked.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You look dreadful,’ he said bluntly. ‘Do you have a bug?’