DUSTY
What song?
STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)
“Come ride my pony, all the night long.
Come ride him bareback and I’ll sing you a song.”
That one.
DUSTY
It was about riding a pony.
GUY NOIR
Right.
DUSTY
What did you think it was about?
STAGE MANAGER
Let’s go out with a little class, okay? What do
you say?
DUSTY
“Go out”? What are you talking about?
STAGE MANAGER
Just what I said.
DUSTY
“Go out”? You mean me?
GUY NOIR
All of us.
DUSTY
What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?
The LUNCH LADY approaches with a cardboard box lined with plastic and full of sandwiches wrapped in waxed paper.
LUNCH LADY
Got some nice egg salad sandwiches if you’re
hungry.
MOLLY
I’m always hungry.
GUY NOIR (TO LUNCH LADY)
Did you know Molly is pregnant? Ain’t that
something?
DUSTY (TO LUNCH LADY)
How about a leg sandwich?
(HE GROWLS SEDUCTIVELY)
Huh? Want me to show you how that goes?
He drapes an arm over the LUNCH LADY’s shoulder and she pushes him away, playfully.
LUNCH LADY
Don’t you ever think of anything else?
DUSTY
I think about it so if I should meet a woman
who’s thinking about it, too, then there’d be
two of us, Lillian.
LUNCH LADY
Evelyn.
DUSTY
Evelyn! Your sister was Lillian.
LUNCH LADY
I don’t have a sister.
CUT TO:
12 INT. MAKEUP ROOM—SAME TIME
GK is lacing up his shoes. DONNA is spiffing up CHUCK AKERS and trying to do something with his hair as he stands, restless, at the makeup table.
GK
He did “There was a young fellow from
Buckingham” and the bishop of Chichester
and the young man from Antietam and the
old man of Khartoum who kept a young
sheep in his room and “A young woman got
on her knees and said to her lover, ‘Oh
please, it will heighten my bliss if you do
more with this and pay less attention to
these.’ ”
CHUCK AKERS
I’m going to remember that one and tell it to
Evie.
DONNA
What happened to Wilmer Scott?
GK
Nothing.
DONNA
He didn’t get fired?
GK
Nope.
CHUCK AKERS
I thought you got into radio when he got
fired—
GK
People couldn’t believe that that beloved old
man would stoop so low so they decided
they hadn’t heard it.
CHUCK AKERS
Bless their hearts.
STAGE MANAGER ON P.A.
Two minutes to broadcast, people. I mean it.
This is not a test. This is an actual warning.
MOLLY enters, out of breath.
MOLLY
Please. Come. Now.
MOLLY grabs on to the wall and sags. Her eyes get big. She pants. She starts to slide down the wall toward a squatting position.
MOLLY
I am going into labor. I just got a contraction
the size of Vermont. Oh my gosh. Oh my God.
It’s coming. I’m about to have my baby right
here on this filthy floor. Call me an ambulance.
CHUCK AKERS (O.C.)
Okay, you’re an ambulance.
MOLLY looks up and smiles.
MOLLY
Never mind. False alarm.
There is a chorus of good-humored protest and MOLLY, GK, and CHUCK AKERS head out the makeup room door and up the steep stairs to the stage.
13 INT. STAIRS TO THE STAGE—CONTINUOUS
GK
Wilmer Scott came on the show ten years ago
and hypnotized chickens. Remember that?
CHUCK AKERS
Sure do. Hypnotized four chickens right in a
row.
MOLLY
Who was Wilmer Scott?
CHUCK AKERS
He ran his finger down their foreheads
between their eyes and he says, “Cheese
chips, parsnips, and charlie” until the bird’s
eyes were crossed and he set it down and did
the next one. Did four in a row.
MOLLY
Who was Wilmer Scott?
GK
He used to do the Rise and Shine Show—
CHUCK AKERS
That’s where GK started out in radio—
MOLLY
And he hypnotized chickens?
14 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—CONTINUOUS
The three of them have reached the stage left wings where musicians sit along the rope rail. They head for the stage—the curtain is still down—and pass the mixing board where it stands, in the wings but extending partly onstage, with racks of electronic gear behind it. The TECHNICAL DIRECTOR and HIS ASSISTANT stand at the board, an old multichannel mixer with two small monitor speakers mounted on it, and lighted dials and meters. The equipment is battered and outdated, a jerry-built assemblage of odd parts, cordage on the floor. A large trophy stands on the front rim of the board.
GK
Not on that show. This show. Hypnotized
four or five chickens.
(TO TECHNICAL DIRECTOR)
You remember those chickens that guy
hypnotized, don’t you?
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR
Oh yeah.
GK, MOLLY, and CHUCK AKERS stop by the mixing board.
MOLLY
Why would you hypnotize chickens on the
radio where nobody could see it?
CHUCK AKERS
People just liked the idea of it, I guess.
MOLLY
But how did they know the chickens were
hypnotized?
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR
It got real quiet.
MOLLY
Al is waving at us over there.
GK
They were beautiful brown chickens with
those sort of leggings around their ankles.
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR
They were Chinese chickens.
MOLLY
The curtain is about to come up.
CHUCK AKERS
One of the chickens flew out into the
audience.
GK
Landed in a lady’s lap. The wife of a sponsor.
CHUCK AKERS
She let out a screech, it sounded like the
orphanage was on fire. I’ll never forget it.
He reaches over to the mixing board and picks up the trophy. It’s a pedestal with columns and goddesses and a golden wreath and lyre.
CHUCK AKERS
That is the ugliest damn trophy I ever saw.
Who’s that for?
MOLLY
It’s for the Employee of the Month.
CHUCK AKERS
Looks like something they’d tie to your ankle
when they throw you overboard to make
sure you stay under.
MOLLY
So did you get to how you got into radio?
CHUCK AKERS
He was just about to.
He turns away.
GK (TO MOLLY)
This Rise and Shine Show that came
on at 5 AM was sponsored by
Pi
scacadawadaquoddymoggin medicinal
tonic.
GK and MOLLY head out onstage where the SHOE BAND and ROBIN and LINDA are tuning, getting set for the show. A STAGEHAND is checking the curtain to make sure it’s clear of the mic stands and stage monitors.
MOLLY
Pisca what?
GK
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin, made from
sassafras, buffalo grass, and pure grain
alcohol.
MOLLY
You advertised that on the radio?
GK
It was what Wilmer Scott drank in his coffee
before he went on the air—
MOLLY
What was it called?
ROBIN
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin Medicinal
Home Formula.
GK
No, it’s Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
ROBIN
That’s what I said.
STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)
Places. Thirty seconds.
MOLLY steps back and gives GK the once-over.
MOLLY
Check your barn door.
GK stops momentarily to zip.
GK
Anyway, Wilmer Scott used to have a
snootful every morning and then he just
upped and quit.
ROBIN
How’d he do that?
STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)
Quiet onstage!
GK
He just did it.
Remember the jingle—
ROBIN & LINDA & GK (SING)
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin
medicinal formula.
GK (TO MOLLY)
He quit drinking and suddenly he developed
mic fright and he went into the chicken
business.
MOLLY
Chinese chickens—
GK
Show chickens. Lot of money in that.
The curtain rises.
MOLLY
You’re on.
GK (SINGS)
O hear that old piano from down the avenue,
I smell the pine trees, I look around for you.
My sweet old someone, coming through that door,
It’s Saturday and the band is playing,
Honey, could we ask for more.
The camera pulls back. In the wings, watching, are CHUCK AKERS and the LUNCH LADY. His arm is around her.
CHUCK AKERS
I’m gonna play that song for you today,
darling.
LUNCH LADY (SHE GIGGLES)
You’re not going to dedicate it to me, are
you?
CHUCK AKERS
In my heart I will.
CUT TO:
15 INT. DRESSING ROOM
RHONDA is holding up a gown, looking at herself in the mirror. There are photographs of family in gold frames on the dressing room table, makeup utensils laid out. One easy chair and a couple of folding chairs. A sink. Some show posters on the walls. YOLANDA sits at the table, doing her nails. LOLA sits in the easy chair, staring at the back of YOLANDA’s head, writing on a pad of paper.
GK (O.C.)
Hello everybody and welcome to A Prairie
Home Companion . . . coming to you live on a
Saturday night from the Fitzgerald Theater in
downtown St. Paul and brought to you as
always by Powdermilk Biscuits . . . heavens
they’re tasty and expeditious . . . by the
Ketchup Advisory Board, ketchup with
natural mellowing agents—
LOLA
Turn it down.
RHONDA reaches up and turns down the volume knob.
RHONDA
I’m going to color my hair strawberry
blonde. I swear to God I should’ve done it
years ago.
She gives herself a good long look in the mirror.
RHONDA (CONT’D)
I should’ve broke loose and gone to Chicago
back when Mama died, that’s when I
should’ve done it. You put those things off
and you never get around to it again.
YOLANDA (TO LOLA)
Thank you for coming, sweetheart. I hope
you know how much it means to me.
LOLA looks up blankly from her writing.
YOLANDA
I just want you to be here. Our last show.
Remember when you came as a kid?
RHONDA
You were just a sprite.
LOLA
I remember that guy with the bad breath.
RHONDA
You wore your little sailor getup with those
doodads in your hair.
LOLA
I remember he coughed—it would’ve
knocked a buzzard off a manure spreader.
YOLANDA
I’m so excited you’re going to sing something
with us.
LOLA rolls her eyes.
LOLA
I said maybe.
She resumes writing.
YOLANDA
I hope I don’t have a stroke. . . . What are you
writing?
LOLA
A poem.
YOLANDA
A poem about what?
LOLA
Suicide.
YOLANDA
Oh. Okay.
15A INT. FITZGERALD STAGE—SAME TIME
GK
Are you tired of your current herring? Has it
lost that certain something you look for in a
pickled fish product?
Then maybe it’s time you try Jens Jensen—
the Lake Superior herring made the old
Norwegian way.
(HE SINGS, TO TUNE OF “WON’T YOU COME HOME, BILL BAILEY”)
Vil du komm hjem, Jens Jensen
Vil du komm hjem?
Hos Svend og Nils og Karen.
Jeg vil vaske op, min elske,
Betale hus leje,
And give you lots of herring.
Jeg huske den regnfuld aften
Jeg smed dig ud,
Du vandrede til ost og vest.
Det er min skam,
Det er min skyld.
Jens Jensen herring is the best.
Jens Jensen . . . ask for it by name, and if your grocer doesn’t stock it, ask him why not. Jens Jensen . . . spelled with a J, pronounced like a Y. Why? Because it yust is.
RHONDA reaches into her purse on the table and pulls out a bottle of whiskey and pours some into a paper cup. She sits on the table, raises the cup.
RHONDA
I don’t think I care to do “Softly and Tenderly
Jesus Is Calling” tonight, okay?
She tosses back the whiskey and shudders dramatically, shaking her cheeks, vocalizing.
RHONDA
Boy, that’s good stuff. Here we are. A lush, a
stroke victim, and a suicidal teenager.
YOLANDA
You know what my philosophy is?
LOLA
Yes, I do, so don’t tell me.
YOLANDA
I think you’ve got to be grateful for everything
that happens to you because that’s
what got you here, and if you hadn’t gone
through whatever you went through, you
wouldn’t have wound up where you are
right now. So disappointment doesn’t get you
anywhere.
RHONDA
Well, aren’t you wonderful.
YOLANDA
One door closes and another one opens.
Everything is a step along the way and it
leads to something else. You just take it as it
comes.
She rises and walks to LOLA and stands over her.
YOLANDA
Read me some of your poem.
LOLA (READING)
“Soliloquy for a Blue Guitar.”
Death
is easy like jumping into the big
blue air and waving hello to god
god is love but
he doesn’t necessarily drop everything and
catch you does he
So when you hook the hose up to your tailpipe,
Prairie Home Companion, A (movie tie-in) Page 4
