Prairie Home Companion, A (movie tie-in)

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Prairie Home Companion, A (movie tie-in) Page 4

by Keillor, Garrison


  DUSTY

  What song?

  STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)

  “Come ride my pony, all the night long.

  Come ride him bareback and I’ll sing you a song.”

  That one.

  DUSTY

  It was about riding a pony.

  GUY NOIR

  Right.

  DUSTY

  What did you think it was about?

  STAGE MANAGER

  Let’s go out with a little class, okay? What do

  you say?

  DUSTY

  “Go out”? What are you talking about?

  STAGE MANAGER

  Just what I said.

  DUSTY

  “Go out”? You mean me?

  GUY NOIR

  All of us.

  DUSTY

  What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?

  The LUNCH LADY approaches with a cardboard box lined with plastic and full of sandwiches wrapped in waxed paper.

  LUNCH LADY

  Got some nice egg salad sandwiches if you’re

  hungry.

  MOLLY

  I’m always hungry.

  GUY NOIR (TO LUNCH LADY)

  Did you know Molly is pregnant? Ain’t that

  something?

  DUSTY (TO LUNCH LADY)

  How about a leg sandwich?

  (HE GROWLS SEDUCTIVELY)

  Huh? Want me to show you how that goes?

  He drapes an arm over the LUNCH LADY’s shoulder and she pushes him away, playfully.

  LUNCH LADY

  Don’t you ever think of anything else?

  DUSTY

  I think about it so if I should meet a woman

  who’s thinking about it, too, then there’d be

  two of us, Lillian.

  LUNCH LADY

  Evelyn.

  DUSTY

  Evelyn! Your sister was Lillian.

  LUNCH LADY

  I don’t have a sister.

  CUT TO:

  12 INT. MAKEUP ROOM—SAME TIME

  GK is lacing up his shoes. DONNA is spiffing up CHUCK AKERS and trying to do something with his hair as he stands, restless, at the makeup table.

  GK

  He did “There was a young fellow from

  Buckingham” and the bishop of Chichester

  and the young man from Antietam and the

  old man of Khartoum who kept a young

  sheep in his room and “A young woman got

  on her knees and said to her lover, ‘Oh

  please, it will heighten my bliss if you do

  more with this and pay less attention to

  these.’ ”

  CHUCK AKERS

  I’m going to remember that one and tell it to

  Evie.

  DONNA

  What happened to Wilmer Scott?

  GK

  Nothing.

  DONNA

  He didn’t get fired?

  GK

  Nope.

  CHUCK AKERS

  I thought you got into radio when he got

  fired—

  GK

  People couldn’t believe that that beloved old

  man would stoop so low so they decided

  they hadn’t heard it.

  CHUCK AKERS

  Bless their hearts.

  STAGE MANAGER ON P.A.

  Two minutes to broadcast, people. I mean it.

  This is not a test. This is an actual warning.

  MOLLY enters, out of breath.

  MOLLY

  Please. Come. Now.

  MOLLY grabs on to the wall and sags. Her eyes get big. She pants. She starts to slide down the wall toward a squatting position.

  MOLLY

  I am going into labor. I just got a contraction

  the size of Vermont. Oh my gosh. Oh my God.

  It’s coming. I’m about to have my baby right

  here on this filthy floor. Call me an ambulance.

  CHUCK AKERS (O.C.)

  Okay, you’re an ambulance.

  MOLLY looks up and smiles.

  MOLLY

  Never mind. False alarm.

  There is a chorus of good-humored protest and MOLLY, GK, and CHUCK AKERS head out the makeup room door and up the steep stairs to the stage.

  13 INT. STAIRS TO THE STAGE—CONTINUOUS

  GK

  Wilmer Scott came on the show ten years ago

  and hypnotized chickens. Remember that?

  CHUCK AKERS

  Sure do. Hypnotized four chickens right in a

  row.

  MOLLY

  Who was Wilmer Scott?

  CHUCK AKERS

  He ran his finger down their foreheads

  between their eyes and he says, “Cheese

  chips, parsnips, and charlie” until the bird’s

  eyes were crossed and he set it down and did

  the next one. Did four in a row.

  MOLLY

  Who was Wilmer Scott?

  GK

  He used to do the Rise and Shine Show—

  CHUCK AKERS

  That’s where GK started out in radio—

  MOLLY

  And he hypnotized chickens?

  14 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—CONTINUOUS

  The three of them have reached the stage left wings where musicians sit along the rope rail. They head for the stage—the curtain is still down—and pass the mixing board where it stands, in the wings but extending partly onstage, with racks of electronic gear behind it. The TECHNICAL DIRECTOR and HIS ASSISTANT stand at the board, an old multichannel mixer with two small monitor speakers mounted on it, and lighted dials and meters. The equipment is battered and outdated, a jerry-built assemblage of odd parts, cordage on the floor. A large trophy stands on the front rim of the board.

  GK

  Not on that show. This show. Hypnotized

  four or five chickens.

  (TO TECHNICAL DIRECTOR)

  You remember those chickens that guy

  hypnotized, don’t you?

  TECHNICAL DIRECTOR

  Oh yeah.

  GK, MOLLY, and CHUCK AKERS stop by the mixing board.

  MOLLY

  Why would you hypnotize chickens on the

  radio where nobody could see it?

  CHUCK AKERS

  People just liked the idea of it, I guess.

  MOLLY

  But how did they know the chickens were

  hypnotized?

  TECHNICAL DIRECTOR

  It got real quiet.

  MOLLY

  Al is waving at us over there.

  GK

  They were beautiful brown chickens with

  those sort of leggings around their ankles.

  TECHNICAL DIRECTOR

  They were Chinese chickens.

  MOLLY

  The curtain is about to come up.

  CHUCK AKERS

  One of the chickens flew out into the

  audience.

  GK

  Landed in a lady’s lap. The wife of a sponsor.

  CHUCK AKERS

  She let out a screech, it sounded like the

  orphanage was on fire. I’ll never forget it.

  He reaches over to the mixing board and picks up the trophy. It’s a pedestal with columns and goddesses and a golden wreath and lyre.

  CHUCK AKERS

  That is the ugliest damn trophy I ever saw.

  Who’s that for?

  MOLLY

  It’s for the Employee of the Month.

  CHUCK AKERS

  Looks like something they’d tie to your ankle

  when they throw you overboard to make

  sure you stay under.

  MOLLY

  So did you get to how you got into radio?

  CHUCK AKERS

  He was just about to.

  He turns away.

  GK (TO MOLLY)

  This Rise and Shine Show that came

  on at 5 AM was sponsored by

  Pi
scacadawadaquoddymoggin medicinal

  tonic.

  GK and MOLLY head out onstage where the SHOE BAND and ROBIN and LINDA are tuning, getting set for the show. A STAGEHAND is checking the curtain to make sure it’s clear of the mic stands and stage monitors.

  MOLLY

  Pisca what?

  GK

  Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin, made from

  sassafras, buffalo grass, and pure grain

  alcohol.

  MOLLY

  You advertised that on the radio?

  GK

  It was what Wilmer Scott drank in his coffee

  before he went on the air—

  MOLLY

  What was it called?

  ROBIN

  Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin Medicinal

  Home Formula.

  GK

  No, it’s Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.

  ROBIN

  That’s what I said.

  STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)

  Places. Thirty seconds.

  MOLLY steps back and gives GK the once-over.

  MOLLY

  Check your barn door.

  GK stops momentarily to zip.

  GK

  Anyway, Wilmer Scott used to have a

  snootful every morning and then he just

  upped and quit.

  ROBIN

  How’d he do that?

  STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)

  Quiet onstage!

  GK

  He just did it.

  Remember the jingle—

  ROBIN & LINDA & GK (SING)

  Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin

  medicinal formula.

  GK (TO MOLLY)

  He quit drinking and suddenly he developed

  mic fright and he went into the chicken

  business.

  MOLLY

  Chinese chickens—

  GK

  Show chickens. Lot of money in that.

  The curtain rises.

  MOLLY

  You’re on.

  GK (SINGS)

  O hear that old piano from down the avenue,

  I smell the pine trees, I look around for you.

  My sweet old someone, coming through that door,

  It’s Saturday and the band is playing,

  Honey, could we ask for more.

  The camera pulls back. In the wings, watching, are CHUCK AKERS and the LUNCH LADY. His arm is around her.

  CHUCK AKERS

  I’m gonna play that song for you today,

  darling.

  LUNCH LADY (SHE GIGGLES)

  You’re not going to dedicate it to me, are

  you?

  CHUCK AKERS

  In my heart I will.

  CUT TO:

  15 INT. DRESSING ROOM

  RHONDA is holding up a gown, looking at herself in the mirror. There are photographs of family in gold frames on the dressing room table, makeup utensils laid out. One easy chair and a couple of folding chairs. A sink. Some show posters on the walls. YOLANDA sits at the table, doing her nails. LOLA sits in the easy chair, staring at the back of YOLANDA’s head, writing on a pad of paper.

  GK (O.C.)

  Hello everybody and welcome to A Prairie

  Home Companion . . . coming to you live on a

  Saturday night from the Fitzgerald Theater in

  downtown St. Paul and brought to you as

  always by Powdermilk Biscuits . . . heavens

  they’re tasty and expeditious . . . by the

  Ketchup Advisory Board, ketchup with

  natural mellowing agents—

  LOLA

  Turn it down.

  RHONDA reaches up and turns down the volume knob.

  RHONDA

  I’m going to color my hair strawberry

  blonde. I swear to God I should’ve done it

  years ago.

  She gives herself a good long look in the mirror.

  RHONDA (CONT’D)

  I should’ve broke loose and gone to Chicago

  back when Mama died, that’s when I

  should’ve done it. You put those things off

  and you never get around to it again.

  YOLANDA (TO LOLA)

  Thank you for coming, sweetheart. I hope

  you know how much it means to me.

  LOLA looks up blankly from her writing.

  YOLANDA

  I just want you to be here. Our last show.

  Remember when you came as a kid?

  RHONDA

  You were just a sprite.

  LOLA

  I remember that guy with the bad breath.

  RHONDA

  You wore your little sailor getup with those

  doodads in your hair.

  LOLA

  I remember he coughed—it would’ve

  knocked a buzzard off a manure spreader.

  YOLANDA

  I’m so excited you’re going to sing something

  with us.

  LOLA rolls her eyes.

  LOLA

  I said maybe.

  She resumes writing.

  YOLANDA

  I hope I don’t have a stroke. . . . What are you

  writing?

  LOLA

  A poem.

  YOLANDA

  A poem about what?

  LOLA

  Suicide.

  YOLANDA

  Oh. Okay.

  15A INT. FITZGERALD STAGE—SAME TIME

  GK

  Are you tired of your current herring? Has it

  lost that certain something you look for in a

  pickled fish product?

  Then maybe it’s time you try Jens Jensen—

  the Lake Superior herring made the old

  Norwegian way.

  (HE SINGS, TO TUNE OF “WON’T YOU COME HOME, BILL BAILEY”)

  Vil du komm hjem, Jens Jensen

  Vil du komm hjem?

  Hos Svend og Nils og Karen.

  Jeg vil vaske op, min elske,

  Betale hus leje,

  And give you lots of herring.

  Jeg huske den regnfuld aften

  Jeg smed dig ud,

  Du vandrede til ost og vest.

  Det er min skam,

  Det er min skyld.

  Jens Jensen herring is the best.

  Jens Jensen . . . ask for it by name, and if your grocer doesn’t stock it, ask him why not. Jens Jensen . . . spelled with a J, pronounced like a Y. Why? Because it yust is.

  RHONDA reaches into her purse on the table and pulls out a bottle of whiskey and pours some into a paper cup. She sits on the table, raises the cup.

  RHONDA

  I don’t think I care to do “Softly and Tenderly

  Jesus Is Calling” tonight, okay?

  She tosses back the whiskey and shudders dramatically, shaking her cheeks, vocalizing.

  RHONDA

  Boy, that’s good stuff. Here we are. A lush, a

  stroke victim, and a suicidal teenager.

  YOLANDA

  You know what my philosophy is?

  LOLA

  Yes, I do, so don’t tell me.

  YOLANDA

  I think you’ve got to be grateful for everything

  that happens to you because that’s

  what got you here, and if you hadn’t gone

  through whatever you went through, you

  wouldn’t have wound up where you are

  right now. So disappointment doesn’t get you

  anywhere.

  RHONDA

  Well, aren’t you wonderful.

  YOLANDA

  One door closes and another one opens.

  Everything is a step along the way and it

  leads to something else. You just take it as it

  comes.

  She rises and walks to LOLA and stands over her.

  YOLANDA

  Read me some of your poem.

  LOLA (READING)

  “Soliloquy for a Blue Guitar.”

  Death
is easy like jumping into the big

  blue air and waving hello to god

  god is love but

  he doesn’t necessarily drop everything and

  catch you does he

  So when you hook the hose up to your tailpipe,

 

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