“Um, okay,” he said, chuckling. Then he sobered and nodded. “Yeah, I want that too.”
It’s time….
“Scott, it’s my turn to tell you something.”
His head tilted to the side, confused. “What?”
“Um… outside, I wasn’t just being selfless. Not completely. I mean, I really wanted you to enjoy it, so yeah, that part was selfless… but….” You’re rambling! “There’s something else you need to know.”
“Something else?”
Just spit it out!
“I’m HIV positive.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“OH.”
Damn, there’s that word again.
Phin’s heart raced, his stomach knotted.
Crossing his arms, Scott whirled his glass slowly, then downed all of it in one swallow.
Phin waited, studying him and screaming to the heavens that this man would give Phin the same support he’d given his brother. Phin took care of himself, and his viral load was undetectable, but all the fear and stigma surrounding his disease riddled the community with prejudices that were almost impossible to defeat. Fears that Scott would not want him now battled with what he knew about Scott. He was kind, smart, understanding.
This wouldn’t be a deal breaker, would it?
Scott picked up the bottle and poured a refill. After a more than healthy swallow, he looked at Phin. “So that’s why you wouldn’t fuck me earlier.”
He flinched at the harsh verbiage. “Yes.”
“Thank you for that.”
“I would never put anyone at risk. I’m always safe.”
These days I’m safe….
Nodding, Scott remained quiet. He swirled his glass again.
Heart breaking, Phin reached for his hand but stopped. “Look, I understand completely if that’s a deal breaker. I’m sorry. I should’ve… I never should’ve…. I just—”
To his shock Scott placed a hand on his forearm, halting him. “It’s okay, Phin.”
“What do you mean okay?”
Scott’s small smile allowed a glimmer of hope to spark inside Phin. “Don’t apologize. You were safe. You respected me. That means a lot. It was more than Brent ever did.”
“I don’t wanna put you at risk.”
“What are your numbers?”
The blunt question startled Phin, but Scott doubtless had a good understanding of the disease because of Davis. “I was at forty-one last time I had bloodwork. The meds my doctor has me on have kept me undetectable for several years now.”
“I’m glad to hear that. A lot of the meds don’t work for Davis.” Scott appeared genuinely relieved. “All this clean eating probably helps.”
“Yeah, I like to think so.” Phin’s garden had started out as a way to relieve stress, but the more produce he grew, the more he had to seek out ways to preserve it. Leading a completely organic, healthy lifestyle had been a natural progression. Medicine had advanced so much for HIV patients, but Phin didn’t want to put any more chemicals into his body than he had to. He was even thinking of making his own soap and body lotion this winter.
“I guess I’m a little concerned you’re positive, but not enough to leave,” Scott finally said. “I could start taking PrEP. My mom’s been bugging me to take it, anyway, but it was supposed to be the Year of No Men, so I figured, why bother?”
“The Year of No Men?”
“Yeah, I wanted to be single for a year, get my head in order. I have shit taste in men, and I wanted to break the cycle.” He offered a shy smile at Phin. “Then you came along and wooed me with rhubarb cobbler and fireflies. The Year of No Men was soundly kicked to the curb months ago.”
Phin let out a breathless chuckle, not daring to hope. “So you’re really okay with this?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? Unless you’re lying that you’re undetectable, then—”
“Why would I do that?”
He offered a nod and a wave of his glass. “Didn’t you hear the part about shit taste in men?”
“I have never and will never lie to you, Scott.”
His brows shot up, and then his face softened. “I believe that, Phin. You’re managing your disease well, so I’m not really worried. I mean, once I’m on PrEP, it’s really a nonissue, isn’t it? No different than if you said you were diabetic, really.” He let out a long shaky sigh. “But you really had me nervous with your whole ‘we need to talk’ bit. Nothing good ever comes after those words, ya know?”
A heavier weight than Phin had realized he’d been carrying lifted at once. “Sorry, but I was pretty nervous. I haven’t been with very many guys since I found out, and I was honest with all of them. But the only person in my real life that knew was my Aunt Nina. My parents don’t even know.”
Scott’s eyes widened in shock. “Really? Why not?”
He sighed, then emptied his glass. “They’d just find a way to make it about themselves. Or that’s the only thing we would ever talk about. Do you know every time Mom introduces me to someone she calls me her gay son? I think she thinks it makes her more worldly and cosmopolitan to have her very own gay.”
Scott laughed. “We are the latest fashion accessory. Every girl needs one.”
He scoffed. “Right? Anyway, I opted to take care of this on my own. Sometimes it gets lonely, but my doctor is wonderful, and if I need to talk about it, he’s always there. But I’m healthy, if a little under height for my weight,” he joked. “Like you said, it’s no different than if I had diabetes, but that’s not always how others look at it.”
“No, it isn’t.” Scott’s no-nonsense brown gaze captured his. “But I’d like to know how you got it. Did Tom have it?”
“No, he didn’t.” With a weary sigh, he poured a healthy glass of wine.
Scott kept watching him, waiting.
“I don’t exactly know how I got it.”
“Meaning?”
You owe him the truth, no matter how bad it is.
“The guy that jumped me cut my upper lip on my tooth.” He pointed to the almost imperceptible scar, his insides shaking as he tried to maintain composure. “Did he cut his knuckle and give it to me? Or was it from those times I woke up hungover in a strange bed and I couldn’t remember if either guy used a condom.”
Scott’s brows shot up. “As in more than one guy?”
“Sometimes,” he said, those days all a blur of alcohol, clubs, and male bodies. “I just didn’t care about anything after Tom died. I lost everything that meant anything, and the only time the pain went away was when I was high or drunk.” He took a hard swallow and brushed at his face. “Sometimes a condom was forgotten in the heat of the moment, and sometimes I was too drunk to care or notice. STDs were the furthest thing from my mind. I just wanted the pain of losing Tom to go away. I wanted to die.”
Scott said nothing, but the weight of his gaze pushed Phin to tell the rest.
The rest that he had never told a soul.
“The night I was attacked, I was stoned out of my mind. But when I was lying on that sidewalk with a boot kicking me in the stomach and head over and over….” His voice broke and suddenly a warm, supportive hand took his.
Scott gave him a wobbly smile.
He squeezed Scott’s hand in return, feeling revived by his strength. “I suddenly realized that I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live.” He widened his eyes. “I actually heard Tom telling me to get up. To fight back. I was so out of it, I don’t know if he really spoke to me or if I hallucinated it. But I managed to get to my feet. I started calling Tom’s name, thinking he was really there. Or maybe I was dead and he came to take me to heaven. The guy who attacked me must’ve thought I had a friend coming, so he ran off. I passed out, and then I woke up in the hospital. I was sad that I wasn’t dead because I wouldn’t get to see Tom, but I was happy too because I was alive. And then I felt guilty because I was glad to be alive even though Tom wasn’t. Does that make sense?”
Scott nodded, wiping away a tear f
rom his cheek. “Yeah.”
“My Aunt Nina came to visit me, take care of me while I recovered. My parents were in Spain, but they sent flowers. My regular doctor knew I was gay so, at my follow-up appointment, he did all the standard blood tests. I didn’t think anything of it until he called me with the results. My Aunt Nina was there when I got the news.” Phin pinched the bridge of his nose, remembering the disappointment in her gaze. The only person he could never stand to disappoint was ashamed of him.
“She said….” His voice caught, and Scott squeezed his hand. “She said again ‘the Lord doesn’t make mistakes.’ This time she added, ‘but we do.’ Then she told me life is like a garden. Some seasons had good harvests, and others a bad one no matter how hard you tried. But if you didn’t try anything, if you refused to water and weed, then your garden would never survive. She told me I’d been ignoring my garden for too long. It was no wonder my plants were dying and my life was full of weeds. But as long as there was breath inside me, I had the hope of spring. Another chance to get it right.”
Rolling his lips and not checking the tears streaming down his face, Phin shook Scott’s hand, hoping he understood. “After I lost Tom, I threw away my whole life. My whole future. He wouldn’t have wanted that for me. I didn’t want that for me. But it was too late.”
“It’s not the death sentence it once was.”
“Yeah, but ten years ago, you couldn’t have convinced me of that. And until a few months ago, I believed Tom was the best part of my life and I didn’t deserve anything else. I was so careless after I lost him. So foolish….”
“Did you give it to anyone else?”
You just come out and ask it, don’t you, Mouse?
“Honestly, I don’t know. I tried to contact the guys I remembered. And, um, one came back positive,” he admitted.
“Oh.”
Desperate, he clutched Scott’s hand. “I’ve never told anyone that because I don’t know if he gave it to me or it was the other way around. I was so ashamed of how I’d ruined my life and possibly his that I sold everything and came out here.”
Scott studied him for a long moment, their hands still clasped.
When the silence grew too much to bear, Phin said, “I know that’s a lot to take in, but I want you to understand why I’m telling you all this. I care about you more than I have ever cared for anyone—”
“Even Tom?”
He sat back and sipped his wine. “We were young. When you’re nineteen and fall in love, everything is wild. You live for the day. The fights are more passionate, the sex is more intense.”
“It was pretty intense earlier.”
“Yeah, but this is a different experience for me because we were friends first.” Phin wanted Scott to understand everything. “Tom and I were kids, and we learned to be adults together. Then when I lost him, I had to learn to be an adult without him. Like Aunt Nina told me, I had to tend my garden if I wanted it to be a success. But I resigned myself to gardening all alone. Eventually, Nancy helped me to pick up the pieces, and so did Katie. Even though I planned to stay a widower, I thought I finally found happiness. Then I met you. And everything went upside down. It was so different than when I was with Tom. So many more questions, things to consider.”
“It’s bound to be different,” Scott reasoned. “It has to be different. I can’t compete with a dead man.”
The redness in Scott’s face and the pursed lips shocked Phin. “Oh, I’m sorry. Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Oh.”
Does Scott hate the sound of that word too?
“Look, Phin, I want to tell you what I need and what I want out of this relationship. But being honest is new to me, so I might say a little more than I should while I try this assertiveness on for size. I feel safe with you. I can get on PrEP to keep being safe, but medicine can’t protect my heart. If you’re gonna compare me to Tom all the time, have his pictures all over, I won’t be able to handle it. It’ll hurt me. I’m tired of being second place in every relationship I’ve ever had. I need to be… important to you.”
Phin came around and hugged Scott’s stiffened body tight, burying his face in Scott’s neck. “I don’t want to compare you. But Tom was a big part of my life, and the only relationship I’ve ever had. Please don’t doubt how important you are to me. Very important. My feelings for you are so different….”
His eyes widened. “Of course it’s different. I’m not Tom. I’m Scott.”
Phin studied the fire in his gaze for a long moment. “I know who you are. I’m sorry. Can you be patient with me? I’m not good at this dating thing because I’ve never really done it. Assuming you want to….”
Scott rested a palm on his face. “Babe, I already said I’m okay with what you told me.”
“You sure?” he countered. “You can’t even say it.”
He made a sour face. “I can say HIV. I was just trying to be discreet because I’m not sure how comfortable you are hearing it out loud.”
“Oh.”
Scott smiled. “Thank you for telling me all of this. It is a lot to take in, but I appreciate your honesty.”
“I always want to be honest with you.”
“I do too. Complete and total honesty.”
“I like the sound of that,” Phin agreed. “You should know, then, I don’t want a repeat of Tom with you. I want something new. Something that’s just us. That’s why I got a new bed. In case you still wanted me, we could have a clean slate.”
“I thought it was because your back hurt?” he teased.
“That too. But if we were gonna start a relationship, I didn’t think it was fair to either of us to spend our first night together in someone else’s bed.”
“I’m glad, because I wouldn’t have liked that.” Scott’s face looked so solemn, Phin was quick to kiss him.
“I want you to know how important you are to me, Mouse. I don’t want you to ever feel second place in my life. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll make it happen. I promise.”
“Well,” Scott dragged out the word. “I’m kinda feeling like I need to break in that new bed. Get started on this relationship thing the proper way.”
Phin grinned at his sly, sexy look. “I like the way you think.” He took Scott’s hand and led him to the stairs.
“What about the food?” Scott said, hesitating. “Shouldn’t we put it away?”
“It’s not going anywhere,” he growled, tugging on Scott’s hand. “I’m tired of talking, Mouse.”
Scott eagerly followed him.
Tonight had changed everything.
They’d been open, honest with what they wanted. Phin knew if he wanted this relationship to work, he would need to overcome comparing it to his last one. He owed Scott that. Too many men had made Scott second fiddle, and Phin would not be one of them.
This was a new day, spring for both of them.
Phin undressed Scott with reverence, savoring the sight of all his muscles. “You’re the sexiest man I’ve ever seen,” he murmured. Tom had been so skinny….
No!
Scott.
He was with Scott.
He wanted to be with Scott.
Nothing could erase his wonderful past, but if he wasn’t careful, it could harm his future.
“Just a minute.” Phin stepped back and picked up three of the pictures on his dresser. With a solemn determination, he placed them in his top drawer. He closed it, saying to his old lover, Goodbye, Tom. I’ll always love you, but it’s time for me to move on. I want to be happy again. I’ve made so many mistakes, but Scott can see past them. Please let me go. I need to move on….
A ripple of cold air went up his spine, tickling his scalp. He flinched and looked over his shoulder fast, almost expecting to see Tom.
But Scott stood there, watching him, lips pursed.
Phin often talked to Tom, and Tom had never responded except the night Phin had been attacked. This time the whisp
er on the air raised the hair on his neck: It’s okay, Phinny.
The final weight he’d been carrying lifted from his shoulders, and Phin took an easy, full breath. Like the first breath of fresh spring air, it filled his lungs, cleansing away his fears and guilt with one exhale.
“You okay?” Scott whispered.
“You’re here.” He took Scott into his arms. “Of course I’m okay.”
He was ready.
Closing his eyes, he devoted himself to Scott’s pleasure, remembering the delicious taste of him, the sounds he made when he came.
Phin couldn’t wait to hear them again.
Small hands stroked his belly as Scott kissed his chest, sucked his nipple. A jolt of pleasure ripped through Phin, startling him.
“You like?” Scott said, flicking his nipple again.
“Yes.”
“Good, ’cause you’re gonna come this time, Big Daddy.”
Phin laughed. “Big Daddy?”
He tilted his head. “You don’t like that one?”
“I don’t mind.”
Scott gripped his erection. “With this monster, you can’t get away with another nickname.”
Growling as arousal consumed him, the ache grew the more Scott fondled him. Phin kissed him hard, pushing him onto the bed.
Their bed.
Wanting to create new memories for both of them and build something lasting for their future, Phin devoted his mouth and hands to worshiping every inch of Scott’s body. He kissed his neck, nibbled his earlobes. He suckled his nipples until a steady stream of precum trickled out of his cock. Phin licked it clean, and then he massaged his legs, his arms, kissing everything.
“Let me,” Scott begged. “I want to taste you too.”
Wanting Scott to exert his newly found assertiveness, Phin rolled onto his back. Scott slipped between his thighs, fitting there perfectly.
He sucked and teased Phin for a long time. Was he trying to make him ache or come? Either way, it was electric.
“You have some stamina,” Scott said, lips swollen and wet, out of breath. He slithered up Phin’s body for a long, languid kiss. “I’m tired of waiting. I want you inside me.”
The Rhubarb Patch Page 20
