The tide was in and the waves were choppy, dashing against the stones on the beach, in and out, with their constant sound. Bailey barked at one or two seagulls and went down and snuffled at the water, getting his lower body wet. Labradors sure had a thing about water of any sort and she pulled him out, stepping out of the way as he shook himself off.
In the distance the huge ferry disappeared from the horizon as it made its way across the Irish Sea to Holyhead. She watched an elderly couple walk along hand in hand in a companionable silence, and a mother trying to manage a stroppy toddler further up along. She had spent so much time down here with Erin and Jack when they were younger … Where had the time gone?
It was a beautiful day; only a few clouds in the sky, with the early June sunshine glinting through and warming her. She loved it here and drank in the magnificent views of Dublin Bay. They lived on the south side of the bay; Dublin city itself was in the middle of the bay and on the far side, the north side, were Clontarf, Sutton, Howth and Malahide.
She’d always hoped that Erin’s birth mother might have moved back to the country, or that she now lived in another county, or even country. But when Erin had told her that she had somehow uncovered Kate’s married name and discovered that she lived literally across Dublin Bay from them, on the other side of the city, it was bloody awkward. Two women connected, but not connected at all; their lives lived opposite each other, one northside, one southside, with only a few miles between them across the bay.
She walked along the shore with Bailey beside her, watching the waves come in and out rhythmically, timeless, soothing and calming. She sat for a while on the old wall that led down near the beach, then, realizing that the sky was beginning to darken a bit, she set off up the beach. And as she went an idea came into her head and, quickening her pace, she headed home.
With Tom in the UK, and Jack staying in Pixie’s place tonight, Nina had the house to herself. She made herself a cup of tea and put some dog food down for Bailey. Grabbing a sketchpad from the pile on the dresser, she began to work, excited as the first picture began to take shape on the page. The seashore and a simple house on the beach, a path of cockleshells, lobsterpots by the door, a window that would catch the light of glimmering blue in the distance …
She was in her study, immersed in her drawing, when Erin phoned. She stopped and took a deep breath, moving to sit down in the big squashy brown chair as Erin took her step by step through her first time meeting with Kate Cassidy.
‘Mum, you won’t believe it, but we have the same colour eyes, and freckles on our nose. We both are allergic to penicillin and the smell of heavy perfumes makes us cough.’
Nina listened quietly, trying to take it all in. A sinking feeling enveloped her as her daughter excitedly told her every detail about her newly discovered mother.
‘Kate’s a bit smaller than me, and I suppose kind of young-looking and pretty fashionable. She was wearing leggings and boots and a cool Zara top.’
‘She sounds lovely, like you said.’ Nina tried her best not to sound the way she felt.
‘I asked her about my father and what happened between them and she told me all about how their relationship didn’t work out. Mum, it was great seeing her … seeing someone that I resemble and just looking at the photos of her kids in her sitting room. I think that I’m quite like Kevin, her second guy.’
‘Erin, I’m so glad meeting her went well, truly I am.’
‘Mum, I only stayed for about two hours because Kate had to go and collect Aisling from school, but I’m hoping that maybe we will meet again – but I don’t know.’
‘Why don’t you come over here tonight, Erin? I can take something out of the freezer or cook up some pasta and you can tell me all about this meeting with her?’
‘I’m dying to see you, Mum, but I’m knackered,’ replied Erin. ‘I think that I was so stressed out about the whole thing that it’s hit me now. I haven’t slept the past few nights and I just want to heat up something quick and easy here and crash. Luke said he might call in for half an hour. So if it’s okay, can I come over tomorrow after work?’
‘That sounds perfect, love,’ said Nina brightly, ‘absolutely perfect. I’ll see you tomorrow then.’
She put the phone down. The change had already started. Kate Cassidy was back in her daughter’s life and there was absolutely nothing that she could do about it.
She sat there for what seemed like an hour, gathering herself, listening to her breath and the regular beating of her heart. Becoming a mother changed you; it was such an overwhelming force that seemed to invade and take over every space inside you – head, heart, lungs, ribs and even the very soul, that intense love for your child that nothing could tear from you or remove bit by bit because it was indelibly bound to every cell in your body. As long as she was alive it was there, a part of her that could never, ever be removed and destroyed. No matter what Kate Cassidy did or said, she could not take that from her.
Chapter Thirty-one
NINA WAS SO relieved that tom had managed to get home from England before Erin came for dinner that she hugged him madly when he came through the front door.
‘Erin will be here soon,’ she said. ‘She’s coming over to tell us all about how her meeting with her birth mother went yesterday.’
‘And how did it go?’ he asked, as he dumped his case in the bedroom and changed into his cords and a navy sweater.
‘Very well. The two of them apparently immediately hit it off. They seem to be quite alike and Erin really likes her,’ she said, her voice wobbling.
‘Nina, you cannot be like this when Erin tells us,’ he warned sternly. ‘Erin’s got to think that we are a hundred per cent behind her on this, ready to back her up on whatever she does and there to catch her if the whole thing goes wrong. Do you hear me?’
‘Yes,’ she nodded.
‘A hundred per cent behind her – agreed?’
‘Agreed.’
* * *
Nina had made a chicken casserole and somehow managed to force herself to pick at it, but she had absolutely no appetite. She could see how excited Erin was as she gave them a blow-by-blow account of arriving at the Cassidys’ house unannounced and meeting her Kate for the first time. She listened as Erin told them all about her natural mother’s reaction to first seeing her and almost every word that she had said.
‘Mum, I know that you and Dad would really like her,’ she smiled, ‘because she’s a bit like me.’
‘And of course we love you!’ said Tom.
‘Yes, Dad,’ she replied, hugging him tight.
Nina felt like a part of her gut was clenched shut as she tried to appear normal when all she wanted to do was scream ‘Stop talking about her at my table – our family table!’
‘I only had barely two hours with her, as she had to go out to collect Aisling – I suppose she’s kind of my half-sister. Her family don’t know anything about me and she doesn’t want to tell them. I guess she’s still ashamed of having me.’
Nina didn’t know what to say. She’d kill Kate Cassidy if she hurt her daughter, she really would.
‘Will you be seeing her again, Erin?’ Tom asked, pouring them all another glass of wine.
‘I hope so … I know I landed myself, just turning up at her house the way I did, but maybe the next time we can arrange to meet properly and spend more time together.’ Erin sounded a lot less confident about it than they expected.
‘At least you two have finally met,’ Nina said slowly. ‘You have seen and talked to the mother that gave birth to you and she has met her beautiful daughter and no one can take that away from either of you.’
‘Oh Mum, what a lovely thing to say.’ Erin’s eyes welled with tears. ‘Thanks for being so understanding about what I’m going through. I don’t know what I’d do if I hadn’t got you and Dad.’
‘We’re here, and we are always here for you, Erin,’ Tom said firmly. ‘We are your parents, remember that and that parenthood is a lot mo
re than biology.’
‘I know that, Dad. And I’m so glad that I was raised by you and Mum. I like Kate, but I couldn’t imagine growing up with her around. I wouldn’t be the same person.’
Nina couldn’t believe how mature and sensitive Erin was becoming. She was the one being stupid and feeling so threatened, when really Kate Cassidy was more wrapped up in her own family and had scant interest in her long-lost daughter turning up. Relief washed over her – Erin wasn’t going anywhere. She was here at home with them where she was meant to be.
Chapter Thirty-two
KATE COULD NOT believe the change that meeting Erin had wrought in her life. Nothing was the same. She had talked it over with Sally and her sister had been so supportive.
‘I won’t say, “I told you so”, but I did tell you so – that it would be okay! That the world was not going to come crashing down if your daughter discovered you or met you!’ said Sally, wrapping her in her arms while Kate bawled her eyes out crying. ‘You have held it all in for so long, Kate, buried what you must have been feeling. You have to let it go. I’m here and I don’t mind – that’s what us big sisters are for!’
Afterwards she had felt so much better. The relief was immense and she did not understand how she had carried the secrecy and weight of it for so long. She could finally put her burden down.
‘You will meet her again!’ insisted Sally. ‘You do realize how much courage it must have taken for her to come to your house after the last time?’
‘I know, but I have to think of Paddy and Aisling and the boys. What would they think? The boys will probably think I was a slapper—’
‘Kate! Stop that! Your sons would not dream of thinking anything like that about their mother, you know they wouldn’t!’
‘Paddy would be devastated. He never asks me about the past or going out with Johnny, we never talk about it. Can you imagine his reaction if he finds out that I had a baby? It would destroy him … destroy us.’
‘Why do you always underestimate him, Kate? I warned you when you married him that it was too soon, that maybe you were only marrying him on the rebound after Johnny, looking for a safety net after all that had happened, but I was wrong. Paddy is so good for you, sometimes I don’t even know if you realize it. Do you think something that happened over twenty-six years ago is going to wreck a good marriage?’
‘Well Sally, I’m not sure and I’m not taking that risk. They’re my family and it’s my choice.’
‘I’m sorry for interfering, Kate, and trying to put my big oar in as usual,’ apologized Sally, ‘but Erin has come back into your life. Don’t let her go again. There is no guarantee you will get her back next time.’
Kate thought about it. She did want to see Erin again, but certainly not anywhere near her home. She’d phone her and arrange to collect her, maybe, and they could go somewhere Erin wanted.
She had to admit she was excited thinking about it and rooted around in some of her old family photograph albums to find one or two family photos to copy for Erin.
Chapter Thirty-three
KATE WANTED TO meet her again – Erin couldn’t believe it. This time it was her birth mother who had made contact, and to make sure she wasn’t going to be left hanging around, Kate offered to collect her at her flat and maybe they could go for a walk or get something to eat. Erin was amazed that her mother was actually the one reaching towards her. It felt good. She would arrange to meet her on Saturday and just see how things went.
‘Stop looking out the window!’ she yelled at Nikki and Claire, who were trying to see if they could spot Kate pulling up outside their apartment block. Getting a text message from Kate, she grabbed her jacket and left them to it.
Kate looked younger, even prettier. She had make-up on and her hair was perfectly blow-dried. She was obviously making an effort.
‘Where should we go?’ Kate asked.
It was dry out, but rather blustery. Erin directed her to the car park down near Sandymount Strand and the two of them went for a walk, heads bent, barely taking in the views as they had so much to tell each other. Afterwards they drove up to Sandymount Green and went for soup and a roll there, deciding to share a large slice of apple tart for dessert.
As they were eating, Kate produced some photos from her handbag. ‘I thought you might like some of these,’ she explained, passing them over to Erin. ‘They are of my family and me when I was younger.’
Erin took them in her hands, amazed by how she felt. The faces she was looking at were all people related to her.
‘That’s my dad, your granddad, and that’s my brothers and there’s Sally and Mike on their wedding day. I was her bridesmaid – check out the awful purple dress she made me wear!’
‘Who’s that?’
‘That’s Sally and me and our Granny Anna outside her house in Furbo. She was an amazing woman. Spoke Irish fluently and had nine kids and baked her own bread.’
‘What about this woman?’ Erin stared at the photo. It was so weird – she could have been looking at a photo of herself taken at a different time, with a new hairstyle and vintage clothes.
‘That’s my mum, Julia. She was up in Dublin and a guy took her photo on O’Connell Street near the big cinema. It was taken before she married my dad. I think that you two are very alike.’
Kate was right, there was such a strong family resemblance. There was no denying it.
‘And this is mammy and daddy’s wedding photo. She looks gorgeous in it.’
Julia Flanagan did look beautiful and Erin felt a lump in her throat for all the parts of the jigsaw that she had missed for so many years.
‘Have you one of my father?’
Kate shook her head vehemently. There were no more photos.
‘Please tell me a bit about him?’
She could see that Kate was uncomfortable with the conversation. She obviously didn’t want to discuss him or go back over whatever had happened between them.
‘Do you ever hear from him?’
‘No, we lost touch years ago – it was better that way. He moved to London. I believe that he is still there.’
‘Did he get married, have a family?’
‘I’m not sure,’ Kate said, calling the waitress over so that they could pay their bill.
‘I would like to meet him, to see him … He is my father after all,’ Erin continued stubbornly. ‘I might try to make contact with him if you have an old address or phone number or anything.’
‘Erin, I’m not sure that would be wise. It could be a disappointment.’
‘Thanks for the photos,’ Erin said, kissing Kate’s cheek. ‘Here – I’ll take one of the two of us!’
Ignoring Kate’s protest, she quickly pressed the button on her iPhone and captured the image of the two of them standing on the Green together.
‘We’ll keep in touch,’ promised Kate when she dropped her off, and Erin knew that she meant it.
Chapter Thirty-four
MONIKA DE BERG WAS JUST doing a run-through of the Powerpoint presentation on some logos for a new mobile company when Alice came into the room.
‘I’m sorry to disturb you, Erin, but one of your friends is on the line and she says she needs you urgently. Your mobile is turned off so she phoned through to reception. Will I transfer the call?’
Monika gestured to her to take it and Erin went outside the door.
‘Oh thank God! I’ve been trying to get you for the past hour nearly!’ screamed Claire.
‘What is it?’
‘Nikki’s been taken into hospital. She’s bleeding.’
‘What?’
‘She’s bleeding! Her office got an ambulance for her but she’s on her own now. She’s like a basket case … Her mum and dad are gone to Amsterdam for a break and I have about eight patients lined up for me – I can’t just cancel on them. Erin, you’ll have to go to the hospital. She needs one of us with her, especially if it’s going to be bad news about the baby.’
‘But I’m not a go
od person for that!’ Erin said. ‘You’re the medical person, not me.’
‘That doesn’t matter. She needs someone to hold her hand and stay with her, that’s all, Erin. She’s probably scared shitless.’
Monika totally understood, so Erin found herself literally running from their office to the big maternity hospital on Merrion Square. The porter on duty told her where to go and Erin found Nikki in a small pre-natal room off one of the main wards with one other woman.
Nikki looked absolutely awful, whiter than the bedsheet she was lying on, and she burst out crying the minute she saw Erin.
‘They’re not sure if the baby is still there,’ she cried. ‘It could be gone.’
‘Oh Nikki, I’m so sorry.’
‘They did one scan but now they are going to do another to check things again. The bleeding is easing a bit … Oh Erin, what am I going to do if I’ve lost my baby?’
Erin didn’t know what to say. She just pulled her chair right up beside Nikki and held her hand.
‘You’re not sure of anything yet, Nikki. Let’s wait and see what the doctor says.’
Nikki drifted off for about half an hour, her fingers clenched round Erin’s. Erin silently prayed, ‘Don’t let this happen! Please, don’t let this happen!’
A little later a nurse came in to bring Nikki down for a major scan. She began to cry hysterically again. The nurse talked to her, trying to reassure her and calm her down.
‘Can I go with her?’ offered Erin. ‘I’m her best friend.’
A few minutes later she was sitting beside Nikki as the ultrasound nurse began to do the scan. Nikki had her eyes closed, tears streaming down her face – it was unbearable. The doctor pushed the scanner all along her belly, up and down, backwards and forwards, as if looking for something that was missing. Nikki had her hand held so tight that the pain was excruciating. Erin could make no sense of what was on the screen.
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