by Blythe Stone
“That journal…”
That…
“Sometimes it’s difficult to be sane,” she said. “I’d never had it hit so close to home.”
I was never in trouble.
This was the closest I’d come and it had nothing to do with me really, nothing.
“It could’ve been you, Olivia. Easily.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head and biting my lip. I wanted her not to think that. I knew way more than she did about this. “We were different,” I said, needing her to know.
“You’re both young girls who were close to him. Really close.”
“He wanted Avery for a reason.”
“And what was that?” My mom asked. She couldn’t bring herself to look at me. That was rare for her. Between us she was always the one who wasn’t afraid to confront.
“She hated herself,” I said, swallowing hard.
“And you don’t?” My mom asked. I could tell though, she was asking like she was scared to hear the real answer.
“Not like that,” I said, shaking my head. “I guess you two just couldn’t make me feel that worthless.” I tried to joke, like Avery could joke. When it came out though it didn’t work and I knew I shouldn’t have tried.
When my Mom looked up I could tell she was holding back tears.
“Hey,” I said, reaching out. “That was a joke,” I said, my eyebrows scrunching.
She crawled up on the bed next to me and held my hand laying near.
We were quiet for a second, both of us thinking.
“If it were you I would’ve killed him,” she said darkly, breaking that silence.
I looked down at her face and I knew she was serious. She believed that. She believed she would’ve killed him.
We were alike.
I had her rage.
“We don’t have to think about that,” I said.
“Well,” she sighed, calming down. “I’m having margaritas by the pool and you are more than welcome to come and be quiet by my side like you tend to do.”
I laughed at that. My mom’s jokes were funny.
“Lemme change,” I smiled.
A dip in the pool and a cold margarita actually sounded like absolute heaven right now.
My body could use some soothing and my mind could use a little break.
“Give me a second,” I said.
“Alright,” she smiled, pushing off the bed and slowly leaving. “This place isn’t too bad,” she sized it up. “I know you hate it.”
“Shut up,” I smiled. How did she know everything I felt. I just didn’t get that.
When she left, she shut the door softly and, I moved to the closet to pull out a more modest style black suit that included dark black boy shorts and a halter piece that covered my entire chest and my stomach. Last thing I needed today was for my mom to see all my bruises. Explaining my prefered sexed games to her was hopefully something I’d never have to do.
I walked to the mirror to check myself. There were a couple things I couldn’t hide but I tried anyway using concealer.
If it washed off, it washed off. If she asked she asked.
I’d tell her, I think.
I was trying openness now.
We were starting again.
I pulled my favorite suntan lotion from the cabinet and found my sunglasses and a book before heading out.
The heat was intense today. Spring was in full swing and it already felt like summer.
I walked out and remembered I needed to send Avery a text.
I stopped mid-stride and forced myself to do it.
Olivia: By the pool with my mom. Margaritas. No rush, I’m good.
Given everything, I wasn’t sure what Avery wanted. She could be waiting for me or she could be excited to be alone with Holland. I’d understand her wishes, either way.
I kept walking toward my mom but my phone rang so I stopped to answer it. A smile spread across my face. Just her call summoned the memories and sensations from last night and I became breathless. I tucked my hair behind my ear and turned to answer like it’d be too embarrassing to let my mom watch me react to all the tiny things Avery did that always affected me so much.
“Hi,” I said.
“That’s all I get?” Avery teased.
“What do you want?” I asked, knowing a lot about that.
“From you?” She teased, musing at the thought.
“I think you’ve had enough,” I smiled.
“Holland and I were about to go to the beach. I was just wondering if you wanted to come.”
I looked and saw my mom on her lounge chair.
The beach would be nice but this would be nice too.
“I think I’m gonna stay,” I said, deciding it. I’d been dropping everything to run to Avery. I’d been doing it for months now and I should’ve been more okay with saying no, more okay with making a decision that made sense for me.
I hadn’t needed to go to her practices so much. I hadn’t needed to do a lot of the things I’d been doing.
In a lot of ways, I did know that she wasn’t ignoring me as much as just being busy and having a life.
“My mom asked me if I wanted to swim with her and I do,” I said.
“Oh,” I heard Avery say. “That’s good,” her tone lifting up.
She sounded surprised.
“Is that okay?” I asked, a little nervous.
“No, it’s great,” she said. “I can spend some alone time with Holland and get her to talk about her life since she’s good at avoiding that topic.”
“Okay,” I laughed. “You can always just come back and have a pool day.”
“I know but Holland wants to see my favorite beach and it’s such a pretty day.”
“Okay,” I said, wondering what she was thinking.
“I’ll miss you though.”
“I’ll miss you too,” I said. “Always do.”
“Don’t tell your mom anymore of my embarrassing secrets.”
“No guarantees,” I said honestly. If my mom wanted to know I was going to tell her. This was our new thing.
“Ugg… Maybe I should just come home.”
Home…
“No. You should go to the beach.”
“But I wanted to stare at your body all day,” she whispered in frustration.
“My body is out of commission,” I reminded.
“How are you?” Her tone changed, got softer, I could tell she was worried.
“I survived a war,” I said. “I should find a nurse really. It’s that dire.”
“Fuck,” I heard the wanting in her as she breathily hissed.
My mind flashed back to having her on the bed all dazed and trapped inside my arms and legs. I’d never seen her like that, not ever. She was strong enough to stop me but she let me. I got to feel what that feels like, finally...
“It’s okay though,” I pretended to be semi-upset. “You can go with your friend. I’ll just be suffering back here.”
“Okay. I’m coming home,” she said loudly like she was upset with me.
“Baby,” I laughed. “I’m kidding. I’m really kidding.”
“Yeah, I don’t care. I don’t want to spend any second without you. It’s just unnecessary.”
“Fine but that’s your choice.”
“It is,” she said. “Try not to move until I get there.”
“I’m gonna do what I want, thank you very much.”
I heard her groan.
I turned and noticed my mother noticing me.
“Okay, I’m being rude now. I’m gonna go.”
“Okay,” she whined.
I hung up the phone and made my way over to the lounge chairs.
“Who was that?”
“Who do you think?” I asked, carefully lowering myself down onto the chair.
I moved my hair and tied it up before laying back.
“I think I need about two months’ vacation,” I said.
“Let's go,” my mom joked dryly.
“I can retire,” she said. “I’m at that stage in my life. I can do anything I want.”
“I want that stage,” I said.
Truth was, I felt I lived that stage now. I was spoiled. I knew it.
Something in me had changed since I was young. I was doing what I wanted now. Apparently, what I wanted to do was Avery.
My lips twitched at that thought and my mom noticed.
“What was that?”
“What?” I asked.
“What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking I already do what I want now.”
“You do,” she smiled, reproaching me like a bully.
“You think I’m a princess don’t you?”
“No, I think you’re a queen,” my mom laughed.
“That’s good though, yeah?”
“Of course it’s good,” she confirmed. “I want you to have everything, Olivia.”
“You should have everything too,” I said.
“I have what I want,” she smiled. “And then some.” I think she was talking about me.
“Well, that’s how I feel too.”
We never talked like this. We never talked like Mother and Daughter, like two people who weren’t at each other’s throats.
I had to wonder if it had been her or me all this time.
What if it was me?
I turned a playlist on my phone and let it fill up the air.
My mom had a book and she was laying back and reading it. As much as she liked to make fun of me, she read an awful lot herself.
We lay next to each other like that for a long time, being silent and just reading.
It was different than before, we were different.
I liked it.
I was reading a book about Karen Carpenter and it was silently killing me. Karen’s voice filled the air while I read Little Girl Blue, all about how her family kept her down and practically stole her happiness away every time she tried her best to branch out and find it.
I wasn’t like that with my mom now. I didn’t need to escape like Karen did. I knew my mom wanted better for me, she wanted me happy.
I waited for the song to fade before reading a quote out loud so my mother could hear.
“Over the years, Karen Carpenter became beloved in the world as a very special artist, a very special voice, who reminded everybody of the daughter they wished they had. In her own home she was never told, or maybe even never felt that existed from her own parents, especially her mother.”
I let that sit on the air.
I knew she heard me.
Her smile twitched as the familiar song started.
She closed her book and sat up to face me.
When Karen’s voice came on she sang along, staring at me and making me extremely uncomfortable in a good way.
“Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be, close to you.” I felt her reach out and pinch my side as she smiled widely and definitely teased me for being a sap.
I slapped her shoulder with my book and let it fall onto the ground.
She kept singing so I got up, ran to the edge of the pool and threw myself inside the cool blue.
I wanted to freeze time right here. Right here was a good time.
My face hurt from smiling. It hurt so much. And all of my body was sore.
I let the water wash over me and soak me to the bone.
My body ached but the water cooled me. I felt weightless.
When I started to step up out of the water and into the sun, I saw my dad coming out on the patio, probably to fetch my mom.
I laid back down on the wooden lounge chair padded with thick expensive cushions and sobered myself.
He was strange; a stranger.
“Well, this is new,” I heard him say as he came by and noticed us being close for no reason.
“Way to kill it,” my Mom joked, her dry humor coming back.
We both picked up our books again and began to ignore him.
“I have golf at 3,” he offered.
“That’s nice dear,” my mother teased.
“Well,” he said. “Are you going to come?”
“I suppose,” my mother joked drolly. I looked over and saw her smiling. My father dipped down to kiss her and I could see how even after all this time they were still madly in love.
“And what about you?” He asked.
“Oh no,” I said concretely. “I’m staying here. And doing nothing. Saturdays are for nothing.”
“I like that,” he said seriously, his eyebrows scrunching. “Saturdays are for nothing,” he repeated, in that rather serious way.
It occurred to me then how much older my parents were compared to Avery’s. It was something I rarely thought about but sometimes it would hit me, like just now.
“Your father uses Saturdays,” my mother said.
I already knew that though. The weekends were for making deals.
I just wondered why they did everything they did.
We already had enough money. We already had enough of everything.
“What is your goal now?” I asked.
“My goal?” My father seemed amused by my sudden curiosity. Every word from me was always a chance to play a little mind game it seemed.
“Why do you spend so much time with these people? Do you even like it?”
He scoffed.
“Of course I like it,” he said.
“So you like knowing you’re the best?” That was it. He liked showing off. He liked when people listened to him and thought he was so smart.
“He likes knowing he’s a leader,” my mother said, correctly me.
I had honesty with her but honesty with my father was a bit of a stretch, he didn’t prefer it.
He didn’t like my big head just like I didn’t like his.
If I was just a random person he had to come up against in business he would loathe me. I’d become his instant nemesis.
I was better.
That was his whole problem.
Better at thinking. Better at dealing. Better at reading someone else, someone like him.
“Why lead when you can invent?” I teased, knowing he hated when I mentioned my hobbies.
“Why invent when you can control,” he said creepily.
We’d been staring each other down carefully without moving an inch, both of us wearing questionable smiles.
“I don’t know what you two are talking about,” my mother laughed. “But it’s stupid.”
“Olivia is very much a product of our opposing temperaments,” my father smiled, ignoring me to focus on my mother.
The best thing about it? I knew my mom had no time to tell my dad what we’d just talked about.
They were that in sync.
It made me love him.
“I guess he’s right,” my mom said, sitting up. “I did promise I’d go golfing.”
“Fine,” I said. “I see how it is.”
She stopped to look at me and make sure I was joking.
I let my lips twitch so that she’d know.
“You, just keep reading your depressing book, tiny queen.”
“Yes Mother,” I teased.
“Enjoy the weather Olivia,” my father called.
“You too Dad.” It was hard to be serious with him when he was such a ridiculous man.
He looked back at me oddly before turning away again.
As soon as they’d gone I felt relief.
It wasn’t the same as before but it would still take time to find normalcy with them. My father was still a confrontational stranger to me and he might always be.
Maybe all I really needed to do was move out and grow up. That’s technically what I’d
done. We lived close but we rarely saw each other and that was working for us. When that started I can’t rightly say. I tried to remember if there was ever a time when my father was careful with me. All he did was tease and disappear. We were just so very different with one another. With him I had curiosity. He mimicked that and possibly mocked that in me. Perhaps it was a weak trait. I couldn’t say and I didn’t want to spend time on pulling it apart when I had other more important things on my mind.
Now, I was like this ghost to them who’d wander in sometimes and allow them a spot of conversation.
I laid back on the chair and let the sun invade every inch of me, once I was finally alone. I could feel myself healing, my skin heating, my hair drying, I could feel it all.
It didn’t take long to relax. With no thought, I accidentally fell to sleep.
Chapter Six
Avery
Being away from Olivia was like starving. It was our first weeks all over again. I was out with my best friend having a nice breakfast and all I could think about was her. The way her body must be feeling, how she’d look when she woke up, wondering if she was dreaming about me, the usual kinds of things.
Holland kept waving her hand in front of my face to get my attention. I felt like a shit friend. “Sorry, I’m just distracted.”
“Nooooo really,” she teased.
We were at this little diner that wasn’t too far from the house. Close enough that I could run home in fifteen minutes easy. Our beach plans were hanging in the air because I wanted Olivia to go but she hadn’t answered me yet. Holland was up for anything as always.
“Are you sure you want to go home tomorrow?” I asked.
It was dumb. Holland was convinced that Olivia and I needed spring break to ourselves, which would be nice but I didn’t want to make her feel like she wasn’t important to me.
“Yep, I’m sure.” She pushed her plate away. It was clean, almost like there had never been any food on it. “I’ll come visit after graduation.”
“I just feel like we haven’t had any time to talk or anything.” I pushed a piece of potato around on my plate and sighed.
“There’s this thing called a telephone. I know you’ve heard of it because you’ve been staring at yours off and on for the past hour,” she deadpanned.
“Shut up.” I used my fork to fling the potato at her but of course she caught it and set it down on her plate. “You know what I mean.”
