by Blythe Stone
“Complicated like a puzzle then.”
She smiled, pushing her hands over my breasts again.
I felt a flurry and my breath hitched.
“You’re dangerous,” I said, believing it, as she took from me.
She remembered me… The puzzle talk…
“But tasty,” I whispered, leaning in but not letting her have me. I let her nose scrape the skin of my neck before leaning back. “A fine wine,” I posed. “Balance with you is so important. I want a lot but you intoxicate. You can debilitate me.”
“You do make me sound dangerous. What happens when you get too much of me?”
“My head swims,” I said, eyes shut up as I moved on her and demonstrated for a spell. “Sometimes I can’t breathe,” I said, dragging it out. “My control completely wanes. And you have it...”
I wondered what she thought I meant. I thought back on the shower and the other times I couldn’t stop her.
I was hers.
She owned me now.
“What do you think you do?” I asked. “Like wine, you can’t take back, what’s been done. I have to ride you out…”
I meant like wine but I was on her so I’m sure she heard it wrong.
“Make you crazy…” She laughed. “No, I think I just maybe make you breathless and addicted like opium. Also, protective. I know you'd defend me.”
“I’ll always defend you,” I said, hair spilling over the both of our faces. “But it’s more intense than that… What you do… Crazy is definitely not the right word but I am addicted. No point in trying to hide that.” I pushed down into her more and exhaled hard, feeling her hands as they helped me. “Fuck,” I let out, overwhelmed by her.
“I dunno. I’ve never been good with talking about things. I wish I were.” I felt her shake a little as she felt me
“What do you think you do to me?”
“Umm,” I said, trying to catch my breath a little. “Uh,” it was a bit hard to do given the circumstance. “I think,” I panted, allowing her to move me. “I think you like what I do, I know that.” I let out.
What good were specifics? We both knew we could never actually nail them.
“I think I drive you up the wall… Often,” I said, getting close.
“That is a very vague answer,” she sighed and held me closer. “But I will accept it and move on.”
“You want me to elaborate?” I asked. Of course she waited for me to be short of breath.
I tried to slow, but it pained me. I stopped and rested into her, my mouth close to her ear but not too close. My hand was in her hair at the back of her head and I kept tugging on it. She smelled fantastic.
“I wish I knew,” I said. “I just know sometimes I can tell I’m killing you.”
And isn’t that just the sexiest thing?
Chapter Twelve
Avery
It wasn’t really killing me. It was driving me crazy. She did that in the best way and sometimes in a way that I couldn’t fathom. Here we were after she had declared disliking our little game, all over me. The game was silly. I couldn’t care less about it.
This was more than a game now. She was watching me for my reactions and to see what I would do. I know she always did to some degree but right now it was different. She was looking for something in me.
“Maybe I’ll write it down for you someday. I do better with the written.”
I held her on top of me in the chair, very aware of how she looked in that thin shirt. It was perfect. It showed nothing and everything. It wasn’t about wanting to have sex with her. It was about loving how she looked and how it made me feel to see her.
“Would you like it if I wrote you a letter?” I asked her.
“I’d die,” she said. “Your words are very powerful to me. Did you know that? I think about them a lot.”
“Surely not every one of them,” I said.
My words weren’t my favorite thing. I got them wrong all the time.
“Maybe not singularly,” she said, kissing my neck and drunkenly loving me. “Strung together…” She posed. “Sometimes it’s not even your words but your meaning… I can’t…” She repeated. “Do you remember those words?”
“Yes, I remember them.”
They were symbolic
“I like when I can feel what you’re thinking,” she said, hugging me.
“You can feel what I’m thinking? Like through my touch or just in your mind?”
I put my arms around her body and turned my head to the side, listening to hear heart.
“It’s best when it’s both,” she said. “I can’t… That was both.”
“You fixate on explaining,” she said. “You want words to work for you but sometimes words can’t do what a look can do or a touch…”
“I do love your words though,” she let out a sigh, settling, her body- relaxed.
“Words never do what I want them to do. They’re evil that way. I’m lucky because I seem to get by anyway.”
“I often stop my own words for precisely that reason,” she spoke. “You get mad at me though. You always think when I stop it means I needed to speak. That’s not always the case. I talk too much. Just like I think.”
“With you though,” she went on, leaning back to look upon me. “A lot of times I can read you.”
“Can you read me right now?
I sat back from her and made myself calm. I thought about how much I loved her. How much she meant to me and how proud I was every time I told someone she was mine. It filled me up. There was no doubt about the intensity of my affection for her.
She stared down at me, taking my face in her hands. She moved my face to the left and then the right. But then she smiled and just looked at me like she normally did.
“You’re thinking you love me,” she said solemnly. “You’re thinking of how much you wish I knew…”
“True,” I whispered.
My remarkable Olivia. I trained my thoughts along another line. Thinking about how unfortunate the incident with Skylar was and not knowing if I could even do the play anymore. We were playing the roles of lovers. That was more than uncomfortable considering.
I chewed my lip and tuned out. I might have to switch to working crew. I wouldn’t take the lead if Skylar still wanted her part. We were still friends. If she wanted that. If she didn’t then I would hurt but it would be fine. Maybe someday.
“See, and now I don’t know what you’re thinking,” she said. “I just know you’re gone. Not here with me… And that’s fine,” she sighed, moving to get off of me and leave me alone. “Sometimes you just do that… I’m sure it’s just stress...” Her voice sounded sad as it hit me that she was moving away.
“I was thinking about Skylar and how she might not want to be my friend now and the play. How we probably shouldn’t play opposite each other. That’s all.”
I let her get up but I followed her to the bed and crawled up, sitting next to her, reaching out to touch and feel grounded.
Her eyes shut tight as she felt me, concentrating on that.
“See, I can’t even let you alone for a second. I feel better when I’m touching you.”
I moved myself closer and lay beside her, making sure that there was contact. It was a need.
She put her hand on mine and felt it. She seemed sad now or more just quiet.
“That’s good,” she said. But she didn’t open her eyes. She was very still.
“Was it what I said about Skylar or something about me touching you that’s turned you melancholy?”
“Neither,” she said. “I like when you touch me.” She always said that.
I felt her shift and roll onto her side. She laid her face on my chest as she hugged her body close with one of her arms and one of her legs. I felt her relax.
She was just holding me now and quiet. No more words.
I knew that if we stayed here I’d fall asleep and I didn’t want to do that. We had come here to get away and I wanted to enjoy her. Just her
being on me and her breathing. I loved being close like this.
I picked up the book she’d been reading and opened it to the beginning, starting to read aloud. It would keep me awake for awhile and maybe it would be relaxing.
As soon as I started reading though Olivia stiffened noticeably.
“What?” I put the book down and drew back.
“Nothing, I just... Didn’t think you would want to read that,” she said quietly.
“You were reading it so I was curious, and you said you like my voice.”
Something was up but I didn’t want to poke that particular dragon right now. I knew she would probably just be more upset with me for making her talk about it.
“I love your voice,” she said simply. “Go on.”
I pulled the book up to my face again and started to read, making sure not to be lazy with it. I hated when people read things with no care. If you were going to read or orate you ought to give it at least your full power of attention.
She shifted against me and I spread my fingers on her arm, having reached it around to pull her close. The book was interesting, not something I’d pick up if left to my own devices. It held me but more importantly, it held me to her.
This was Olivia’s book. The thing she was retreating to in quiet moments. That alone interested me enough for me to have cause to read it. Perhaps, I should read it alone though. After she was finished. It really was starting to interest me in a way that made me more apt to serious reading.
“Can I borrow this when you’re done?” I asked, slipping the book aside for a moment.
“You can borrow it now if you really want to. I've read it many times and I brought other books if you want to read. There’s probably a store somewhere nearby too. You don’t have to settle.”
She climbed up ontop of me though and pulled my wrist down to the bed, pushing the book away so that she could kiss me.
I almost got lost in her, but then I felt her fingers delicately peeling my fingers back from the book and I opened my eyes to see that she was looking at the book and not at me, trying to slyly pull it away while she had me distracted.
“You’d rather kiss me, huh?”
I slipped the book up onto the nightstand and pulled her more centered on top of me.
“I love your hair,” I said, pushing it to drape around us.
“I just didn’t expect you to want to read that book,” she said honestly, her eyes a bit wide, almost like she was trying to warn me or something. “You rarely read my books,” she said, dropping her face down and kissing me slow. “But yes, I’d rather be kissing you.”
Her kisses were distracting. They still made my head cloudy with their power and this one wasn’t full on. She was still sad but I’d keep trying to pull her out of it. I wanted her to be happy always. An unlikely goal but when you love someone…
“Maybe I should start reading all of your books,” I said.
She laughed. “Uh-uh,” she said. “If you do that you might start to understand how truly strange I really am.”
“Then I’ll just think of it like a class. I’d take a class about you. Especially, if you taught it.”
“I would never allow that class to exist,” she said defiantly. “If someone tried to make it I would sue them. And I must confess...” She paused a second like she didn’t want to say something. “I’m kind of scared to let you read that book. It’s one of my favorites and I’m scared of what you’ll say and think…”
“Baby, you know that only makes me want to read it more, right?” I glanced at the book again, wanting to read it all the more.
She groaned and rolled off of me. “No, no, no, no, no,” she whined, crawling up onto her stomach and burying her face in her pillow.
“Is there something particular in there that you think will make me ask questions?”
She made a groaning noise and kept her face in the pillow without talking to me.
I flipped over and moved to her. There was a little bit of the pillow left on my side so I snuck my face onto it. “Maybe I’ll just read it and find out for myself so you don’t have to tell me.”
She shifted and turned her head to look at me. “If you really want to know you’re going to have to because I would never just talk about it with you. I’m embarrassing.”
I pushed her hair away from her face. “Will you talk about it with me after I read it?”
She brought her hands up to hold her head as she turned her face to look into the pillow.
“We’ll just have to see I guess. Of course you pick this book to want to read. I’m such an idiot,” she muttered, scoffing at herself.
“I really need to read the summary of this book.” It was longer than most things I’d pick up to read. “I just thought it was interesting from what I read.”
“Well, it’s fantasy. Fantasy is always intense. Not that you’d know,” she teased, poking my side. “You like those real people plays.”
“Hey, I like all kinds of things, thank you,” I teased back.
“I know you do but you have your favorites and your favorites are usually pretty present feeling. They’re not really like that,” she let her eyes move to the books. “They are but they aren’t.”
“Change is good,” I said. She shifted and I ran my fingers over her side, pressing into her skin and enjoying it when she squirmed a little.
“Change,” she sighed through an awkward smile as she moved up to turn and sit her back against the headboard and think.
“Uh oh, you’re going into profound thought mode.”
“Excuse me?!” She scoffed happily. “I don’t even have profound thoughts. My brain is a minefield. It’s all dirty and gross.”
I pulled her hand down to my face and set it on my cheek. “No, it’s not. Your mind has some booby traps but nothing that I’d call gross.”
“Okay, well,” she laughed lightly. “You obviously haven’t had to live in here,” she said, tapping her head. “It’s definitely not as calm as you might think.”
I pushed her hand over my lips kissing her palm. “I never thought it was calm. It’s like the sea in there. It’s always moving and sometimes there are storms.”
“More like perpetual storm,” she teased, eyes flaring for effect. “Waves and waves and waves, rarely calm waters. Constant movement, unless you’re kissing me,” she smiled heavenly, biting her bottom lip. “Then it’s like the sea doesn’t matter and the storm isn’t there.”
“I want to sail in there. I feel like I do sometimes.”
“Oh my god,” she laughed. “You really don’t,” she smiled and shook her head.
“You wouldn’t let me, would you?” I turned my head to the side so I could see her more clearly but I didn’t let go of her hand.
I heard her move her other hand and pick up the book. She pulled it over and put it in front of my eyes. “I’m always trying,” she said. “Sometimes a little of me can just feel like a lot. Not even I’m used to my thoughts.”
“I’m sorry. It’s hard to be trapped in a storm. I hope you don’t always feel that way. Really. I would rather know what all of you is like though.”
“Well,” she sighed. “You’re the closest person to me. You’re the only one who can even come close… My parents only sort of understand me. Nat wanted to know but I pushed her away. You’re the only one who’s been this close. What’s it feel like? It’s hell isn’t it?”
“Olivia…” I sat up and pushed my legs into her. “It’s not hell. I hate that you would even say that. It hurts. You’re nowhere near hell. More like a place I feel safe and happy, cared for. You’re stormy but I like it. I think it makes you the only person who could take the real me.”
“Yeah but… I try to keep my storm away from you. You know that right?”
“I do,” I looked down. “I wish you wouldn’t but it’s your choice right now. I hoped that you would stop in time.”
“Yeah but what if I didn’t though, Avery? Can you imagine how this weeke
nd could’ve gone?”
“Tell me how it would have gone.”
“Baby…” She didn’t want to say. Just the thought hurt her.
I hated that there was this wall between us. She was always protecting me from her worries and freak outs.
“I can’t know unless you say.”
“Well… Go back to Friday,” she said. “When you kissed Skylar, I could’ve really run. Like really really run. As fast and as far as my feet could go. I could’ve called a cab and disappeared. That’s just one fucking thing I could’ve done. One thing that wouldn’t even involve my thoughts coming out at you.”
“What would have happened if your thoughts had come out?”
Knowing was no mild need. It was important.
“I would’ve scared you, baby…” She said, so sure.
“How? With what?”
I was pulling it from her in little drips.
“How do I ever scare you?” She asked. “How do I ever get you to a space where you’re not here anymore? It happens Avery and it happens when I barely touch the edges of what I’m scared to say.”
“I need to know. You can’t protect me like that forever.”
“It’s not like I have all these unsaid thoughts. I tell you things in time. I tell you slowly. Bit-by-bit. I tell you what I think you can take.”
“What would you have said this weekend if you weren’t holding back?”
“I could’ve said everything I felt in that moment, everything I knew wasn’t true. I could’ve said: you don’t love me. I knew it, I knew it. How could you?! How could anyone?!” Her mouth shut up and her chin quivered. “I don’t want to say the things I had to think to get to here,” she said, tears falling silently. “That’s just one tiny strand of my thoughts. Just one. And I never stop thinking, Avery. I never stop.” She was so upset so easily.
“Uck, I think I’m sober,” she said upset, squirming to get up and go find wine. I helped her up and went with her, picking up the glass I’d poured for myself earlier.
“You know all of those were natural thoughts to have given what you saw.”
She was about to pour but my words made her stop. “You don’t get it,” she said, shaking her head bitterly. “You don’t get that I knew what you would do if I told you my thoughts at the time.”
