by Blythe Stone
“Babe, why haven’t you noticed any of this?” I asked, worried.
“I don’t know. I was more afraid that I was missing something else. Nothing in particular. I know that you read a lot and I’ve seen you write but I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t missing anything. I know a lot of your life is about me and what I’m doing. I don’t want to lose you again.”
She wound an arm back to pull me into her, leaning on me at the same time.
“Baby…” I wasn’t sure what to say.
“I know,” she flipped over so we were facing each other, no longer keeping up the pretense of watching the show. “I just missed you and I don’t want to be dumb again.”
“You’re not.. You were never being dumb,” I said, taking her in. “It’s just complicated. Your life.”
I didn’t know what to say to make her feel better but I also didn’t know where she’d gone or why she’d been so distracted by everything else. It all said things about us, about this. It all scared me.
We hadn’t been together long and she’d already gotten complacent with me. That was terrifying. There was no way to forget that or change it or explain it. I would worry about it now. I just would.
“Still. I wasn’t happy with myself. With you, I was happy. Now, I’m happier within my own skin and you make me feel so full… I never would have just cried like that in the middle of the day just because I loved someone. I didn’t know what it felt like to cry happy tears. It’s different,” she confessed.
I think I did a lot better when I was trying to be strong for the both of us. Right now, like this, I was a mess, so quick to fall apart. It wasn’t right.
“Baby,” I said, kissing her and needing her to know I loved her. “I think I knew all that,” I said, remembering. “I knew you were happy with me even if…” I stopped myself. “I knew you were the happiest you had probably ever been since before Adam had to go. Does that make sense?” I asked, feeling shitty for even having doubts again.
I hadn’t just kept quiet for myself or my fears about losing her. I kept quiet because I knew that was true.
I’d even tried to tell her that before but I don’t think she ever heard me.
She hardly ever heard the important things I tried to say.
“Yeah, I was, I am. I don’t remember ever being this happy. I guess it’s confusing at times and hard to get used to but I want to feel it. We’re just us and that’s its own magic.”
“I think maybe you just needed time,” I said, realizing it suddenly.
“You’re right,” she smiled, tracing my lips with her finger. “As usual. Did I ever tell you how smart you are?” She teased.
“You have,” I said, not caring if it was wrong or true. Being smart wasn’t the best thing…
Being happy was.
“People always act differently after they find out that we’re engaged,” she said. “At least the people at school and they think we’re crazy. I knew that would probably happen but I didn’t expect it to not affect me at all. I really don’t care. I don’t even get upset or mad when people have gotten weird about it. I know it’s what I want and it’s what we should do. Sometimes I think about our wedding and one thing I know I want is for it to be small. I don’t feel connected to a lot of the people I’d known at school. I think I’ve just moved on from that life and wanting to be involved there, which is fine. We are graduating and all. I’m happier when I’m not there.”
“If you needed time for that we should probably wait to get married,” I said. I was trying not to feel angry.
All this time I thought that she was just too busy and caught up.
This was a test. She’d been testing me.
I hadn’t had time to think about that possibility. It never even crossed my mind. It never occurred to me that maybe Avery had been distancing me to make sure it was all really real.
This was kind of bullshit actually. The only reason I proposed was to prove it to her.
I knew I wouldn’t waver. I was trying to prove it to her.
But I couldn’t prove anything.
This sucked…
“You’re mad….” She pulled her head back, reading me, taking me in. “I don’t need time. I’ve wanted to marry you for months. Why should that be any different now?”
“No,” I said. “No, I’m not mad. I’m just-” I cut myself off. “For whatever reason I never thought that was why…” I couldn’t say it. “I thought you were just busy,” I said. “I didn’t think you…” What? Couldn’t take me?!
What could I even say?!
There was nothing…
“What do you mean? Couldn’t take you?”
Her eyes went wide.
“What are you…? No, you’ve been the one constant awesome thing in my life. I did get busy and dumb. I just…”
She stopped, not willing to say it.
“What?” I pushed. “You’re confusing me,” and she’d BEEN confusing.
“I have PTSD,” she just breathed out, finding it a little hard to find air.
My heart sank and I felt my whole self placed on pause.
Tears stung at my eyes.
I wasn’t sure why she was saying that now. What did it all mean? I didn’t know enough.
“At least, that’s what the counselor says,” Avery added.
“Baby,” I said, trying not to cry. My eyes blinked. “Why don’t you tell me these things?” I wondered.
I mean, in some ways I knew she had some kind of PTSD, probably. I knew the dreams were too bad but I didn’t know about the dreams until this weekend. How could I know?!
She didn’t tell me anything!
She hadn’t even told me about the counselor.
My chest hurt but I tried to be stable.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I said, moving and sitting up. I just needed to breathe.
“The school made me go to the counselor and I didn’t think she was right. I just tuned it out and kept going. I didn’t tell you because I wanted to be normal. I wanted us to have a life that didn’t include trauma and my brain’s inability to let me relax.”
That’s exactly what I wanted to. That’s why I kept silent. That’s why I let her have all her weird hobbies and strange non-supportive friends. That’s why I let us be next to last on her list.
What the fuck should I even say?!
“I was wrong. I should have let you help me instead of ignoring it.”
“I make it WORSE, Avery,” I breathed through anger, tears attacking me now.
I stood up and tried to breathe.
I did make it worse. I always did.
She stood up after me and held onto my arms, looking me in the eye and taking deep breaths.
“Listen to me. You don’t make it worse. Being away from you makes it worse. You make it better.”
“Well then why would you-?!” I couldn’t even talk. I gasped instead. It just made no sense.
“I was ignoring what I was feeling,” Avery pushed. “Thinking it would go away and that just made me go right back into being how I used to be and it took me all that stupid time to realize what I was doing. I wasn’t facing it.”
“God,” I scoffed, pissed at myself. “I am such a FUCKING IDIOT!” I yelled, two seconds from reeeeally screaming.
“Baby, please… It’s okay. I just don’t…” She closed her eyes, trying to remain loose and calm. “I need to be calm. You’re not an idiot. Neither of us are stupid. This is just a really hard situation and I didn’t face up to what had happened to me. I let myself get caught up and ignored the one person who has never once let me down. Even looking back I can see how sad it was and how depressed I felt about myself. I love you more than anything. I’m sorry that it took me time to realize I wasn’t dealing.”
“I’m not mad at YOU Avery, I’m mad at ME. I never even,” I shook my head in disbelief. I should’ve researched! I should’ve asked people! I should’ve done- something! I just thought it was about us. I didn’t thi
nk, not in a million years, that all of that was about Ben and what he did to her and what she went through. I was such a fucking idiot!
I’d been whining this whole time! I’d been making her feel guilty!
That whole bet was just me trying to torture her! What the hell?!
I felt sick, really sick.
I hadn’t felt this way in a while. I felt wrong for her, so very wrong.
“Baby, I am soooooo sorry,” I said, turning to see her and feeling absolutely mortified. “I-I-I-I didn’t know,” I felt the tears hanging in my eyes and I hated them because it wasn’t fair for me to be upset. She should be upset. She deserved to be upset. I didn’t.
And she needed to be calm, she said that, and I wasn’t-.
I sat back down but I felt like a ghost.
“I’m sorry,” I said, bringing my hands up, crying into them. “I’m so sorry,” I choked on my words. I wasn’t worthy of them. I completely fucked up…
This whole time I’d been blind. This whole fucking time.
Chapter Eighteen
Avery
She was upset and this was what I’d been trying to avoid but like an idiot I just put it off even after I knew they were right. I pulled her over. I needed to sit down again.
“It’s okay. You couldn’t know what I wasn’t telling you. That part was my responsibility. I just got screwed up. I always think I don’t need to deal with things until I really do.”
It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know, couldn’t know. I was also going to have to deal with the blame for that in my own mind.
“I’m trying to figure it out and I don’t think I can do it alone. So, I want to see if they’ll find someone for me to talk to.”
At first I’d hated the idea. I detested therapy and spilling my guts but I was about to go into a major new life phase and I couldn’t be dumb about it. I wanted to be happy and married and in college.
“I’m going to do what I need to do to get better and to be happy and I need your help.”
She moved in to cry in my lap. She was still crying, at least now she was touching me though. I felt her hands on my legs, holding me.
“I don’t deserve you,” she choked, voice barely there.
“Of course you do. You’re the only one that does.”
She was falling apart and I wanted to hold her together with just my bare hands. I gathered her up and lay back holding her and shushing her. It was sad to see her break like this over my problems. Maybe we’d both been lacking in the facing up to things department.
She cried in my shirt, her body shaking. I let her cry. I think she needed it too. We were both so full of emotions that we’d held in up to now. I just wanted it to be okay for her again. This day in was wonderful but it was also tiring. That’s why I was keen to relax instead of going for a run.
“It’s okay. I promise,” I rubbed her back and started to hum gently, softly.
“Of course it’s not okay,” she said, sounding like she might need to sneeze or something. A sneeze didn’t happen.
I reached over to the coffee table and grabbed a tissue from the decorative box that was sitting there and handed it to her, still holding on tight.
“It will be because you’re good enough and you’re who I want. None of this is your fault. It’s just the way things happen. People can be horrible but we can’t let that keep us from being happy.”
She took the tissue from me and crumpled it in her hand choosing instead to let her eyes fall again into my shirt as she held onto the fabric and buried her face.
“We’re gonna be fine.”
I had no certainty to give her, only my assertions that we could make it through all of this. We had to do it. I wouldn’t let Ben’s actions be the domino that brought our relationship down.
“I love you,” I told her, rocking her a little.
She moved up on me a little, burying her eyes in my neck and probably trying to stop herself from crying. I felt her lips kissing my skin but she was still crying so she ducked down again and turned her head away from me so I couldn’t see her face if I tried.
“Maybe I should leave you alone,” she said quietly. “You don’t need to watch me be sad.”
“Don’t go anywhere, please.” I held on tighter and moved her so our faces were level. “For better, for worse, sickness, and health, remember? You’re mine and I want you with me. If you’re sad I want to be there to help if I’m sad, you’d want the same.”
“This is just. It’s my fault, baby,” she wept, distraught. “I should’ve realized what was happening. I had no clue. I thought you were just bored of me. That’s so stupid. I’m so stupid.”
Her body shook with her sobs that had become harder at the sound of her words.
“Oh, Olivia,” I kissed her, pushing her back, trying to make her see how much she saved me every day. “You’re amazing. You’re also human. You couldn’t know. It’s okay, baby.”
“It doesn’t feel okay,” she cried quicker, letting it out.
“I know. I know.”
We sat like that for awhile until we both started to calm just a bit. I could tell that she was still majorly upset and my shirt was soaked. It was okay though. I only cared about how she was feeling.
“We can get you someone,” she said. “I have money. We can get you anyone. We can make sure they’re not a hack.”
“We’ll figure it out. I’m not as worried about that right now as I am about you.”
“What?” She asked, confused.
“Right now. I just want you to feel better. You’re upset and sad.”
Living in the moment was part of what I needed to do. Anxiety was living in the future and depression was living in the past. I wanted to be right here with her.
“Of course I’m upset- and sad- you just told me something I should’ve known this whole time. This whole time I’ve been worrying about you wrong. I’ve been doing things wrong. I haven’t helped at all. I made things worse. This whole time, Avery. It’s been months. Wouldn’t you be upset if you found that out?!”
“Of course and that’s why I’m wanting to focus on you and how you’re feeling right now. You didn’t make things worse. You helped me see. I wish I could show you. It was hard, yeah and I was really worried that I was going to ruin things but that was wrong.”
“Fuck,” she said, using her wrists to wipe at her eyes. She laid her head back down kind of hard and calmed down as much as she could up until now.
I didn't know what else to say. I knew why she was upset but there was nothing I could say that would convince her that it wasn’t her fault. I just wanted both of us to be in a good place. I needed that right now. I resisted the urge to make a really bad joke. She hated that.
“You need water or something?”
She shook her head no and snuggled in onto me.
“I’ll get over it,” she lied.
“No, you’re going to hold on to it. I really don’t want to contradict you but I can’t just let you carry that burden like this.”
“If you didn’t want me to feel it you should’ve said something. Of course I’m going to feel responsible for not noticing. I’ve been trying to figure you out for a while on my own. I had no idea,” she was so not okay with this. She could barely breathe.
“Of course you should feel. I just want you to let go of it eventually or try to. I understand.”
“I can’t just let go of something that’s been building,” she gasped. “It takes time for me to go through things. A few minutes ago I thought you’d been testing me or something. It was invalid but I had to think it to rule it out. My mind is slow like that. It takes me a while to come to terms with things. I can’t do it quickly, especially when things have been wrong for so long.”
“I think I’m just asking for too much maybe,” I said, realizing. “I shouldn’t. Your mind isn’t slow. I think that’s natural.”
“Did you keep this from me because you were scared to tell me or did you really just figur
e this out right now?!”
“I didn’t tell you about the counselor so that is something I was wrong about. As for believing it? It wasn’t until today that I really came to terms.”
She calmed down a little, hearing that. I knew why, at least I hadn’t kept it from her, it hadn’t been intentional or out of fear or worry. That would’ve been worse for her. She would’ve blamed herself more.
“Being with you out here like this. I’m trying to be as honest with myself and with you as I can be. There are still things that I’m not sure about- like the trial. I don’t know how it’s going to affect me. I just needed this time before we go through that to refocus on what’s really important to me.”
“I’m sorry baby…” She exhaled. I felt her hand on my stomach; she was coming back to me now, trying to comfort me.
I tangled my hand in her hair. Being strong was hard. Facing my own truths was even harder.
“I just want us to have a nice week and then go back and do what we need to do to finish up school, do this trial, and get to the summer. I’m looking forward to that. You and the beach and getting ready for school.”
“Okay,” she said, moving to let me know she liked my hand in her hair.
I put my other hand on the other side. “You even cry pretty. It’s not fair.”
“Do not,” she reluctantly laughed.
“What? I’m jealous. I look like a soggy mushroom when I cry.”
I poked her side and then softened the tease with a kiss.
“You’re always gorgeous,” she said, smiling as she moved up on me, wanting to kiss me again.
“Mmmmm,” I moaned into her. She overwhelmed me with the intensity of her kiss. It bent me back but I recovered and pushed back, giving her all of that energy back until I couldn’t breathe.
“I fucking love you.”
She smiled, nearly laughing. “I fucking love you too,” she teased, sucking on my bottom lip and resting onto me.
Even though I had a broken mind and haunting dreams I felt okay right now. I wasn't alone and neither was she. It wasn’t just the dreams it was me being on edge, always needing to move and not think. Now, that I was thinking I was worried that it would catch up to me.
