by Jolene Perry
I hear Aunt Nicole’s bedroom door close, and I tiptoe down to see Uncle Rob on the floor in front of the fire. His legs are crossed and his elbows rest on his knees. The rest of the house is dark, quiet.
I walk slowly to the door. “Uncle Rob?” I whisper.
He jumps. “Oh, Joy. You scared me.”
“Sorry, I don’t want to disturb …”
“Come in.” He waves me in. “If you want.”
I step inside and sit close to him. Uncle Rob has turned into a safe place fast.
The fire flickers in front of us. The yellow flames have a less blue in them than normal, making the gas fire seem a little more real. Rob gives me a gentle half-squeeze. It’s so different than how I’ve been touched my whole life. This is for comfort, for me, nothing else.
“Why are you so sad? About me?” I ask. I’m glad I have the fire to look at.
He exhales as he drops his arm, and the room is silent. I shift a few times as I watch the patterns of flame around the pretend logs and try to ignore how long it’s taking him to answer.
“I lost my sister.” He sniffs. “She was … abused by some boys at school. Afterward, she was so much like you when you first got here. She wouldn’t look at us. She wouldn’t speak. I’ve stood outside your door more times than I can count just to make sure you were breathing. On the nights when I know you’ve had a rough day, I can’t sleep. It’s like you’re right here so I should be able to fix everything, but I can’t. There’s so little I can do because you have to do so much yourself.”
I sit still, waiting for him to continue.
“Each time you move forward, do something else … It gives me so much hope for you. My sister never moved forward. She retreated further and further until she took enough pills to make herself disappear.”
I’m shocked into silence. Silence of breathing. Silence of thought. This is why Aunt Nicole and Uncle Rob keep my meds.
“When you have a hard day or when I see you slipping backward, I’m desperate to stop it, to make you see how amazing you are, to help you know that you have so much to look forward to. The things that happened to you won’t haunt you forever.”
“But I’ll remember them forever.” I know there’s no forgetting and I’m still not sure what to do with that.
He sucks in a breath. “But they’ll hurt less.”
I don’t have to look at him to know there are tears on his face.
“There were a few times when I didn’t care if I lived or died,” I tell him. “But I … I’m happy now.”
He sighs. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it.
“Things are going to be okay for you, Joy. You’re stronger than you know.” His hand rests softly on my shoulder. “I promise.”
I sit on the floor with the warmth of the fire and the warmth of Uncle Rob, and I start to understand what it’s like to have a dad. He cares about me. He thinks I’m strong.
I hope I won’t let him down.
NINETEEN
Sometimes crappy things are followed by awesome things and then are followed by more crappy things
I’m digging around for my math book and can’t find it, which means it’s probably time to clean out my locker. Kind of cool that I’ve been at this school long enough to make a thorough mess of such a tiny space.
“Hey, you’re Trent’s cousin, from the mall, right?” The guy’s voice is as loud as it was when he called after me the other day.
My insides immediately shake. I keep my head buried in my locker.
“What’s up with you? Not gonna talk?”
I’m not going to look at him either. I squeeze my eyes tight, willing him to go away.
“What a weirdo. Joy, right?”
I open my eyes and keep digging, even though I’ve found what I’m looking for.
“Ty!” I hear Trent’s voice from down the hall. “C’mere!”
“See ya.” He leans in close to me, blowing the words into my face. I have to pull in a few deep breaths before I can turn around. Like fifteen or twenty. I stop counting at ten. The hallway is nearly empty. The bell rings, and I’m officially tardy. Crap. I guess this is one of those times when it’s nice to be a pink-slip kid.
“You can’t go to kung fu tonight!” Tara’s eyes are wide. “We have to get you ready for Justin and the Hole and our night out!”
What she doesn’t realize is that kung fu will help get my mind ready for tonight. Help me feel in control. Tough. I need that more than I need whatever primping she has in mind. “I’ll have time. I’ll just need to shower. It’s just Justin, and it’s just the Hole.”
She rolls her eyes. “Joy, what are we going to do with you?”
“Ready?” Uncle Rob calls up.
“Come with us.” I grab Tara’s hand.
“Next time.” She shakes her head. “I need to get ready for tonight so I can focus all my efforts on you when you come back home a big sweaty mess.” She wrinkles her nose at me in mock annoyance. “But I’m glad you’re having fun. My dad can be a cool guy.”
I laugh. “Ready!” I call as I bound down the stairs to meet Uncle Rob at the front door.
“You came!” Daisy throws her arms around me. Is this normal? I barely know her.
“Your hair is pink.” I stare at her as I step away.
Pink stripes run through the bleach blond.
“Not all of it.” She looks at me like I’m crazy. Right. I’m crazy because I noticed her pink hair. I wonder how she’d look at me if she could see the list of the things that actually make me crazy.
“Okay,” I concede. “Not all of it.”
“So, let’s get in there and kick some butt tonight, okay?” Her wide smile shows rows of straight white teeth.
She grabs my hand and I let her drag me into the room.
Our instructor’s voice is loud, but I don’t mind. He’s teaching me how to be tough.
Uncle Rob and Trent take their spots. Trent’s friend Brandon stands next to Trent and grins at me.
Weird.
I’m here to do kung fu, not to smile back at a guy who I don’t know. This class is about me and about focusing. Nothing else.
I do all the stretches with the class to help me less sore tomorrow. Then we do some blocks and punches, always keeping our knees bent. The burn gives me power. Makes me feel in control. This is good. I can do this. I am doing this. In a room full of people. I’m sweaty and I’m working and I’m loving it.
Class finishes in a blink.
“You’re totally hooked, aren’t you?” Daisy grins.
I nod, still breathing hard and high from the exertion.
“Cool. You can come by anytime. I’m homeschooled so I’m here pretty much all day, and I get bored. Too many boys.” She makes a face. “And not enough girls.” She punches me in the arm.
I feel good. No, great. No one knows me here. All they know is that I’m the tough girl, the one who hangs with Daisy, so I get to act like I’m a tough girl. And acting like I’m stronger makes talking and being around new people so much easier.
“I’ll be back,” I tell her.
“You did good.” Trent pats my back on the way out.
I grin until I realize Brandon’s following us too.
I don’t know him.
“Joy, right?” Brandon asks.
But now I’m all on edge. “Yeah.” My voice is just above a whisper.
“You were awesome. I can’t believe you’ve only come twice.”
“Thanks.”
I totally just said two things to a guy I don’t know. “Tara’s going to start coming with me,” I say and wait to see if I get a reaction from him.
“See you guys later.” He waves and jogs to his car.
Trent looks down at me. “Tara’s not his type,” he whispers, “or they’d be together by now
.”
“Oh.” Tara’s not his type? That kind of sucks. What will Tara do if the boy she likes doesn’t like her?
“You coming?” Uncle Rob asks.
“Yep.” Coming so I can go home and get ready to go to the Hole with Tara. Nerves are back in full force.
Watching Justin play guitar is worth every minute of primping from Tara and every minute of stress from me.
I tug self-consciously at the stray hairs near my neck. Tara pulled all my hair up, but I have scars back there I’d rather not show off tonight.
Tara suggests we split one of the massive sweet rolls, but just being in here is enough stress for me. Eating would be too much. We’re seated way up front, near a window, helping me feel less trapped.
Funny, as I’m sitting here, no one’s staring at me. No one’s even looking at me. Why do I feel like people must always be staring? I’ve spent so much time watching the floor that I’ve never noticed how much they don’t look at me. It’s a huge relief.
“Hey ya, Kung Fu Girl!” Daisy grabs me from behind.
I jump, but that was her intended purpose, so I don’t think I come off as too weird. Fortunately, she lets go of me almost immediately.
“Hey, Daisy.” Tara smiles wide.
“Get-together at my place tonight. You girls in?” She wags her eyebrows.
“I’d love a Daisy party, but …” Tara’s eyes drift to me.
Right. She came with me and I need to be looked after or something. “I’ll find a ride.” Which really translates to—I’ll call Uncle Rob or Aunt Nicole.
“You’re not coming?” Daisy pushes her lower lip into an impressive pout.
“Not this time.” The Hole was enough new stuff for me tonight. I shrug. Maybe if I act all cool about not going, sitting this part out won’t be a big deal.
The room erupts into applause, and when I look up, Justin is walking toward us.
“Hey, Justin.” Daisy stands and pulls him into a hug.
I have to look away. Why is being close to him so easy for her?
“Hey, Daisy.” Justin rolls his eyes and smiles at me over Daisy’s shoulder.
I smile back even more glad I came than when he was playing.
“You coming to my house tonight?” she asks.
“I’m so not up for a Daisy party.” He shakes his head and chuckles.
“Party poopers!” She flits away as fast as she came.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Tara leans in close to me.
“What’s up?” Justin asks as he glances between us.
“I wanted to head to Daisy’s, but Joy needs a ride home …” Tara raises a questioning eyebrow at him.
“If Joy doesn’t mind slumming it with me as her escort, that sounds great.” His eyes are on me, sending butterflies spinning in all directions.
“Fine.” It squeaks out funny.
“Tell Dad I’ll be home at midnight, okay?” Tara squeezes my shoulder, but I can’t take my eyes off Justin.
“’Kay.”
She bounces out of her seat and runs out the door behind Daisy.
Justin takes her seat. “What did you think of the music?”
“Amazing. You two are really good. Your sister sings like an angel.”
He chuckles. “I’ll tell her. I’m sure she’ll get a good laugh out of that.”
I have no idea why that’s funny.
“You look really pretty.” He reaches out like he’s going to touch my hair but stops.
I glance down at my black T-shirt and jeans. Poor Tara was pretty disappointed in me. I don’t dress girly enough for her.
“Oh. Shoot.” He rubs his fingers across his forehead. “I’m still waiting for a car part. Would a walk home be okay?”
“A walk would be even better.” Wow, just sitting with him feels like flying.
Justin’s sister walks up behind her brother and smiles at me. “You must be Joy.”
“That’s me.”
Her soft face is even prettier up close. “Justin’s told me a lot about you.”
“Really?” This surprises me. I’ve hardly said anything to him about myself.
“Well, only ’cause he likes you so much.” She pinches his cheek.
My face heats up, which means it’s probably red. Now I wish my hair was down to hide me.
“Thank you.” Justin flashes his sister an annoyed look, but he’s smiling a little, so I’m guessing he’s not as annoyed as he seems.
“Better for her to know where you stand.” His sister laughs.
I take in her features—dark hair, sweet smile. Her round, pregnant belly is sort of amazing.
She glances down to where I’m looking. “It’s something, isn’t it?” she asks.
“It’s incredible.”
“Wanna touch? He’s moving around a bit in there.” Her voice is so relaxed; she totally doesn’t mind.
“What do I … ?” But I don’t have to worry; she takes my hand and presses it against her belly. She pushes hard, way harder than I’d ever dare to, and then I feel something pushing back against me.
“Wow,” I whisper. A baby’s in there. I knew this before I touched her. It’s just … It really is so miraculous.
“Yeah.” Her voice is soft now. “I never get sick of that.”
My eyes meet hers. “I wouldn’t either.”
There’s so much love on her face. I bet she’ll be a great mother. What a lucky baby. With that thought comes a selfish pang of sadness. Her baby’s life will be so different from mine.
“Well, it was nice to meet you, Joy. I’m wiped and heading home.” She roughs up Justin’s hair before turning away.
“Nice to meet you too,” I say.
As soon as she’s gone, I realize me and Justin have a long walk ahead of us, and that I’m pretty excited about the time we’ll get together. I’m taking huge steps forward.
Justin takes my hand as we walk into the damp night air, our fingers loosely resting together. Neither of us speaks, but I can’t stop smiling. I’m proud of myself for one of the first times ever. I’ve never held a boy’s hand before and it feels like this huge deal. But it’s Justin, who I like, and I don’t feel afraid or anything.
He holds my hand all the way home. We move slowly and our walk is half filled with silence and half filled with him talking. My chest feels all floaty just from having him so close. It’s a nice tingling, not the kind that makes me want to run. Our eyes catch often, sending butterflies racing through my insides. As we walk, nothing matters but us. Nothing else exists outside of what we’re doing together. The whole walk home. Just me and Justin.
We stand on my porch facing each other.
“I’m glad you came,” he says.
“It was fun. You’re really good.” And I didn’t panic or freak out the whole night.
“Maybe we could do it again sometime.” His fingers slide over the top of my hand.
My heart’s frantic, but in a good way. In a way that makes me feel light, not heavy and dizzy, but like I’m flying again.
He leans forward. His breath is on my face.
I can’t breathe. I can’t move. I can’t swallow.
But I’m okay. We’re so close, and I’m okay. I like it.
Him.
His lips touch mine, just briefly, softly.
I step back as I feel the edges of panic itching at my chest. I need to get inside before I panic.
Right now we’re good. I just kissed a boy. One I wanted to. One I like.
He steps closer.
His lips push harder this time.
I can’t breathe. I’m afraid to move. Flashes of other sets of lips, pushing harder, bodies pushing harder.
Yelling. Holding. Threats. A knife against my throat. I need to get away. Now.
I
jerk away, fling open the door to the house, and run inside. My heart bangs in my ears just like it used to when Richard pushed his way into my room.
“Joy?” Justin’s voice is quiet. It’s late and the house is dark.
I’m already running up the stairs, tears pouring down my face. Memories from my life with Mom are colliding with what I want now, and panic clutches my chest more tightly.
I wanted to kiss Justin and I couldn’t. Couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming. The memories. The fear.
I didn’t want to run away, but I did.
I’ve just lost him. I’m sure of it.
More than I ever have, I hate my mom. Hate her and what she did to me—what she let happen to me. I push my way into my room and stand in the center of it, my hands clenched tightly. As the humiliation of how I left Justin on my porch hits me, anger starts to take over.
I throw my fists against the door to my bathroom over and over, making it bang and rattle on its hinges. Each hit sends a wave of pain through my hands, but each loud bang gives me some satisfaction.
“Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy …” Uncle Rob runs into my room in his pajamas. “Shhh …”
Am I screaming? When I stop to look at him, my throat is sore. I didn’t hear my screaming, but now I hear the silence. My legs give out from underneath me and I’m sitting, leaning against the doorjamb. My body won’t stop shaking.
My hands tremble, I feel numb, but at the same time I hurt every-where. Like someone has put poison in my veins to split me apart.
Why can’t I make the pain stop?
Uncle Rob sits on the floor facing me. His eyes are wide and his breathing is coming fast and hard. “You’re okay, Joy. I promise, you’re okay.”
“I’m not okay!” I shriek. “Are you even in the same room as me?” My breath rasps in ragged bursts. “None of this is okay!”
He reaches out for me, but I don’t want to be touched, not right now, not by anyone. I jerk away.
I squeeze my eyes tight and let the darkness, pain, and frustration take over.
