by Brenda Novak
His jaw hardened. “You’re purposely misunderstanding me.”
“Nothing else happened.”
He lowered his voice. “I wanted to sleep with you. I know that’s not fair to you, after everything you’ve been through, which is why I feel like shit—both for having that desire and for admitting it. But there it is. The truth.”
She curved her fingernails into her palms. “You were drunk.”
“And now?”
What was he saying? And why was he saying it? “It’s the allure of the taboo.”
“The allure of the taboo,” he repeated with a skeptical laugh.
“Yes. You’re attracted to the one thing that’s not good for you. Or maybe it’s—” she grasped for the explanation she’d been giving herself “—that sense of loss some people feel when a person who’s always adored them moves on. They can’t bear to lose the attention, even though they didn’t want that person to begin with.”
“I’m not vain enough to expect you to adore me without anything in return,” he said with a grimace.
She looked around for Jake again. “Fine. Come up with your own explanation. Or just...ignore the temptation and it’ll go away. It did last time.”
He sat back. “So you are holding the past against me.”
“No, I’m... I didn’t mean that,” she said, growing flustered. “I apologize that my homecoming is so difficult on everyone, but I’m trying to make it as easy as possible.”
“Which is what you’re doing now?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re shutting me down.”
“I can’t believe you just said that. I’m not shutting you down. You don’t really want me!”
“How do you know what I want?”
“I don’t feel any resentment, but we’ve been through this, remember?”
“We’re different people these days.”
“Not really. So one of us has to keep the other from making a terrible mistake.”
“Terrible mistake? Thank God you’re so vigilant.”
She leaned toward him. “Are you being sarcastic again?”
He sighed. “The thought of us...what it was like...must have crossed your mind, too. You just said it’s been seventeen years since you’ve been with a man.”
“I haven’t been with a woman, either—in case you’re wondering. My mother has certainly been curious about that. But I can wait a bit longer to get together with a guy. Until Jake’s in college, anyway.”
“So I’m the only one who’s ever touched you,” Riley said.
Too uncomfortable to continue the conversation, she jumped up. “I’m sorry. If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom, too,” she said, and made sure Jacob was back in his seat when she returned.
* * *
What was he doing?
Riley had no idea. His head was pounding despite the ibuprofen he’d popped before coming to the restaurant. His mouth was dry no matter how much water he drank. He had six to eight hours of physical labor ahead of him remodeling a kitchen, which wouldn’t be easy in his current condition. And he was confused as hell.
Should he have kept his mouth shut about what he was feeling? Had he scared Phoenix away?
Probably. But maybe that was what he’d subconsciously meant to do. If she’d been the least bit receptive last night...who could say what might’ve happened?
He didn’t want to hurt her again. He knew that much. He hated how badly he’d hurt her in the past.
“Can she, Dad?”
Jerking himself out of his thoughts, Riley paused with his fork halfway to his mouth to look over at his son. Jacob had been telling Phoenix about a friend who’d smashed his hand in a car door and torn off a finger. It wasn’t a pleasant conversation to have while eating, but Riley hadn’t wanted to interrupt. Phoenix seemed eager to hear whatever Jacob cared to tell her, so he’d tuned it out. “Can she what?”
“Come over tonight. I told her you’d barbecue some ribs for dinner, and we could watch movies after.”
“Um, sure.” He didn’t mind doing some grilling, but he doubted Phoenix would agree to come—not after last night.
“That’s okay,” she told Jacob, right on cue. “It’s the weekend. Your father might have other plans.”
“He doesn’t go out that much anymore,” Jake said. “I’m always telling him to find someone to date. He’ll be alone after I go to college. But I can’t remember the last time he even brought a woman home.”
“Your mother doesn’t need a recap of my love life, Jake.” Riley had gone out last night, hadn’t he? And lived to regret it.
“I’m just saying you’d like to barbecue, right?”
Riley finished his orange juice. “I’m happy to do it.”
“See?” Jacob looked back at Phoenix, but when she hesitated, he said, “Don’t you want to come?”
Riley knew, the second Jake asked that question, Phoenix would do all she could to reassure him.
“Of course I want to come!” she said. “What time?”
Jake turned to him. “Six?”
“Sounds good to me,” he said.
Phoenix smiled but Riley could tell there was more than a little trepidation behind it. “I’ll be there.”
“I’ll pick you up,” Jake told her, and she nodded.
When the waitress came, Riley paid for breakfast, despite Phoenix’s protests. Then, as they were walking out, Jake ran into a friend from school and paused to say hello, which gave Riley another private moment with Phoenix.
“Don’t worry about tonight,” he murmured.
“I can’t help worrying,” she said.
He grinned. “Why? If you’re as over me as you say, I should be easy to resist.”
He assumed she’d let it go at that, but she surprised him. “There’s always the possibility that I might use you for sex.” She smiled sweetly. “Seventeen years is, after all, a very long time.”
He could tell that she thought she’d gotten in the last word, which was why he didn’t allow her to have it. “If there’s someplace I can go to apply for that position, just give me a call,” he said, and had to laugh when her eyes widened in shock.
* * *
“You’re quiet today,” her mother said. “Any particular reason?”
Phoenix spoke over the sizzle of her mother’s dinner. It was a turkey burger, something a bit leaner than Lizzie was used to, but Phoenix wasn’t about to volunteer that. She’d stopped at the grocery store on her way home from breakfast. “Nope, just thinking.”
“About...”
“My business. I’m getting so many orders.”
Because her mother’s recliner was the only chair that could hold her comfortably, she’d long ago moved it into the kitchen, right by the table. It creaked as she shifted her weight. “How much have you made this week?”
Phoenix cast Lizzie a satisfied smile. “Enough that I’ll be able to pay that light bill you were worried about.”
It sounded as if Lizzie said, “Thanks,” but her words weren’t very clear. Gratitude didn’t come easily for her mother. Her voice was more strident when she added, “How’d it go at breakfast?”
After scrounging up a spatula from one of her mother’s messy drawers, Phoenix flipped the burger and sprinkled some salt and pepper on it. She had to serve Lizzie dinner earlier tonight than usual, so she could be ready for Jacob’s barbecue—not that Lizzie approved of her going over to Riley’s. She’d made that clear when Phoenix mentioned her plans but had finally dropped the subject.
“It was...enjoyable.”
“That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say?”
“What do you want to hear?” She couldn’t share what had really been going through her mind—the memory of those few minutes dancing with Riley last night and what he’d said to her at breakfast this morning. I wanted to sleep with you.
“You could tell me about Jacob. He’s being nice to you, then?”
“I’ve
been pleasantly surprised by how receptive he’s been.”
“Is he as handsome as his father?” Her mother was painting her nails again. She acted completely engrossed in that simple task, but Phoenix wasn’t fooled. Lizzie was far more interested in Jacob than she wanted to let on—especially now that Phoenix was getting to know him.
“I think so,” she replied. “He looks just like his dad.”
“And how does Riley treat you?”
Her thoughts reverted to the attraction they were both struggling to overcome. She didn’t want to tell her mother about it, but she was definitely concerned. Getting involved with Riley could ruin everything she’d begun to build with Jacob—if it went wrong. And she knew from experience that it was bound to go wrong. “I can’t complain. He picked up the tab this morning.”
A snort revealed Lizzie’s skepticism. “I don’t like him.”
“So you’ve said. But as long as I play nice, I’m sure he will, too.”
“He didn’t play so nice before.”
Phoenix tucked her hair behind her ears. “We’ve been over that, Mom. We have to let the past go.”
“Seventeen years in prison? You can let that go and head off to a barbecue at his house tonight?”
“My going to prison wasn’t his fault.”
“He testified against you!”
“He testified about my behavior at the time. And he told the truth. I did call him repeatedly, drive by his house, beg him to reconsider breaking up with me. I was distraught and too immature to know how to cope with losing him.” Not to mention the fact that her brothers had already abandoned her, and she was feeling that heartbreak, as well.
“Does he realize what he’s done?” Lizzie asked.
“I think so. He’s apologized twice.”
“Hmph.”
“You’d like him if you ever gave him a chance,” Phoenix said.
“As if he’d ever give me a chance.”
Phoenix didn’t respond. She didn’t know what to say. Lizzie made it difficult for anyone to like her.
The sizzle from the frying pan filled the silence until Lizzie broke in again. “I finally heard from your brother.”
Phoenix couldn’t help her quick intake of breath. Although she was glad that Kip and Cary had been able to escape their situation and move on, she missed them. “Which one?”
“Kip.”
“What’d he have to say?”
“Not much. It was a short call. That’s all I ever get—if he even bothers at all. He’s glad you’re out.”
She got a plate and prepared the bun for her mother’s burger. “He say anything about Cary? Do they keep in touch?”
“They always have. He said Cary’s getting divorced again. Has two kids with this latest wife.”
“That’s four in total?” Four children she and her mother had never seen. But she was beginning to figure out that her brothers weren’t a whole lot more functional than their mother. “Can he support that many?”
“How would I know?” she replied. “He tells me he’s working, but it’s not as if he ever sends any money to help me out.”
Satisfied that the burger was cooked through, Phoenix removed the pan from the stove. “At least the guys seem to be getting by on their own. That’s something.”
“You’d think they’d consider their mother once in a while.” Lizzie said it gruffly, but Phoenix knew that was only because she was hurt by their neglect.
“They have other responsibilities,” she said. “Besides, we don’t need them. We have each other.”
Lizzie eyed her suspiciously. “Until you leave.”
Phoenix slid the burger onto its bun. “Why would I do that?”
“You’re starting to make money, aren’t you?”
“So?”
“So you’ll be able to get a car and move.”
“You think I’m here because I don’t have any other choice?”
“Why else would you come back? Your brothers never have.”
“I’m not like my brothers.”
Lizzie slipped a carrot through the bars of her hamsters’ cage. “Considering how this town has turned on you, you should go somewhere else. You could always drive back here to see Jake.”
“Would you move with me?” Phoenix asked, but she had no real hope. She knew what her mother’s answer would be.
“I’m too old and fat to go anywhere else. The people here may not like me, but they’ve grown accustomed to me. I don’t want to face a whole new town.”
“The devil you know is better than the one you don’t, huh?” she teased as she added a salad to her mother’s plate.
“I’m comfortable. Doesn’t make sense for me to go anywhere else.”
Her phobias prevented it. Phoenix understood. “Then I’ll stay with you,” she said as she put her mother’s dinner plate in front of her.
Lizzie didn’t look up. She kept her gaze fastened on her food. “You should go somewhere you can start over,” she said softly. “You’re young and capable of it. And I’m nothing but a pain in the ass.”
“Pain in the ass or not, you’re still my mother.” She gave Lizzie a quick, one-armed hug. She had no idea if she’d be rebuffed. Displays of emotion made her mother very uncomfortable. But Lizzie tolerated this one, and even muttered something about her burger smelling good.
Phoenix smiled as her mother began to eat. “Don’t worry about anything, okay?” she said as she let herself out so she could go change for the barbecue. She also had to finish the pasta salad she was planning to bring. She wanted to contribute to the meal, even though neither Riley nor Jacob had asked her to.
15
Phoenix was impressed with Riley’s home. It was a nice three-bedroom, two-bath that he and Jake had built themselves, and it had a lot of upgrades—wainscoting, hardwood floors, a rock fireplace, wooden stair railings, stainless-steel appliances and gorgeous cupboards. She had to wonder what it would be like to live in such a place, couldn’t help envying them a little, especially when she walked out back and saw that they had a big yard with an expansive deck to go with the pool Jake had mentioned when he picked her up.
“Wow, this is gorgeous,” she said.
Riley was at the grill, but he turned to smile at her. He was proud, but not as proud as Jacob, who was showing her around.
“We put the pool in last summer,” Jake said. “We’ll have some fun parties when it gets warmer.”
He waved for her to follow him back into the house. “Come on. I’ll show you my room.”
She felt it might be too invasive to go upstairs, into the more private parts of the house, but Riley didn’t argue. He closed the hood on the grill and accompanied them up the L-shaped staircase as if he was also eager to see her reaction.
“What do you think?” Jake asked as they walked in to what was obviously a teenager’s room.
The furniture matched, which was a novelty to her. And there was a ceiling fan, a nice walk-in closet and autographed sports posters hanging on the walls. “You’re a lucky boy. That’s what I think. Your dad’s been able to give you so much.”
Her son shoved his hands in his pockets and looked around as if he was seeing it all through new eyes. “Yeah, I know. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t good to have you in my life.”
Touched that he’d say such a thing when she had so little to offer him, she smiled. “Thank you. That was very nice.”
Her gratitude must have embarrassed him because he ducked his head and continued the tour. “This is my dad’s office,” he said as they entered the next room.
Riley’s office wasn’t as clean as the rest of the house, but it wasn’t dirty—just messy. From what she could tell, he ran a very successful business, and she was as happy for him as she was for Jacob. He’d had everything she lacked. But she’d always cared too much about Riley to wish him any less.
“How long have you had your contractor’s license?” she asked as her eyes wandered over the expensive computer syst
em, desk and bookshelves.
Other than a brief hello, Riley had let Jake act as host, but he answered this question. “I was twenty-two. I got it just after graduating from UC Davis with a BS in Managerial Economics.”
“Managerial Economics?”
“It’s basically a business degree.”
She touched the smooth surface of the carpentry work. “What do you think has been more valuable to you? Your education? Or practical experience?”
“In construction, practical experience is more valuable in getting a job done. But there are plenty of good contractors out there who can build a house but can’t run a business. So...I’d say it takes both to make a living these days.”
“Which is why Jake is going to get his degree, too, right?” she teased, giving her son a nudge.
“That’s the plan.” He gestured across the hall. “This is my dad’s bedroom.”
She didn’t need to see Riley’s bedroom. She expected him to stop Jake and guide her back downstairs, to the living room and kitchen area. But he didn’t. And she didn’t say anything. She was too curious. Besides, they’d built all of this. They weren’t showing her what they could afford to have; they were showing her their workmanship.
Riley had a giant bed—bigger than any she’d seen before. Wooden shutters covered the windows and a set of French doors led onto a large balcony overlooking the pool. The design reminded her of something from one of the Southern Living magazines she’d enjoyed in prison—not only because of its size but because of the big ceiling fan that stirred the air overhead.
Jake took her through Riley’s bathroom and closet area next, which together were as big as his bedroom.
“It’s gigantic in here,” she said, half expecting her voice to echo off the marble floor and granite countertops.
“I was thinking about resale when I built it,” Riley explained. “I don’t need this much space, but most women would like it.”
“I’m sure they would.” She couldn’t resist comparing it to what she was living in. Her bathroom wouldn’t even take up half his closet. “You’ve done a really nice job.”
