by Decadent
Kimber felt Jesse’s gaze on her, and when she looked up, he shot Ryan a look of faint regret. “Nah. It’s early.”
“Dude, it’s five o’clock somewhere. You always say that.”
With a shrug, Jesse pursed his lips, looked away. Then he turned to her with a bright smile. “See, it’s Kimber. She’s already having a positive effect on my life. Because you’re so good, huh, babe?”
Jesse squeezed her hand. Kimber squeezed back almost as a reflex, but his words rattled around in her brain. Because I’m so good? When had her life in the slow lane become a plus?
“Then I’m looking forward to getting to know her better.” Ryan shot her a smoky look and approached Jesse with a hearty pat on the shoulder, then whispered, “Save some ass for me.”
Despite Ryan’s low tone, Kimber couldn’t help but overhear it. And it pissed her off. The flaming jerk was making a lot of assumptions about what and who she’d say yes to. Deke and Luc had come as a pair, yes. But Luc had been impossible not to adore. All easy, sophisticated charm. Molasses seduction, slow, sweet, and potent. And Deke . . . She’d known him and trusted him right from the beginning, even if he could be a bastard and say terrible, hurtful things for the purpose of pushing away the people who loved him.
“Get lost.” Jesse pointed Ryan toward the door.
The band member, four little bottles of booze, and his skull with crossbones tattoo left a moment later. Kimber breathed a sigh of relief.
“Don’t mind him. He can be an ass.”
Kimber didn’t disagree. “He tells me you do everything together. He’s the third in your ménages, isn’t he?”
Jesse squirmed uncomfortably under her waiting stare. “So you know about that?”
“When you said you had a kink and you didn’t think I could handle it, I read a few tabloids, asked around. I got answers.”
“Ah, babe.” He wrapped his arms around her and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “It’s lonely without you. Those girls are meaningless. Ryan and Cal make sure everything that happens on the road is meaningless. And nailing someone by myself just got too . . . common. A twice-daily thing, like brushing your teeth.”
Twice daily? With a stranger? And regular sex had become too boring?
“Don’t look at me like that. I don’t say it to hurt you. I’m being honest. But you . . . you’re the one who matters to me. I won’t be bored with you. I’ve thought about it, and I won’t share you. You’re too sweet. Too good. I need you to stay that way.”
Lovely sentiment. But she wasn’t up for sainthood or anything. And what would happen if he did get bored?
What would happen if she couldn’t get over Deke?
Frowning, Kimber slid onto the sofa cushion beside him. “I’m not too sweet. I’m not totally innocent. After I found out about your ménages, I looked up someone I knew who’s into the same thing. He and his cousin . . . trained me.”
Jesse’s face fell. “Trained you? You let them fuck—”
“No,” she cut in. “I told you I planned to come to you a virgin. I have.”
Only because Deke had turned her down. Damn, there went that pain in her stomach again, making tight knots into tighter ones. She slept with it, breathed with it, ached with it. Time was supposed to heal all, but the pain wasn’t easing or going away.
Kimber had offered herself to Deke not because she’d felt sorry for him. As if she’d give her virginity for a pity fuck. The only thing on her mind and in her heart that night had been her desire to heal him, to bond with him, be meaningful to him. To love him. Somehow, despite his awful words to her afterward, a part of her—a big part—wished that Deke had accepted her offer and taken her. She suspected that him breaking her virgin barrier would help him break through his emotional one.
But now she’d never know.
Jesse breathed a sigh of relief. “So they just talked to you?”
“They touched me. I learned to touch them.” She wasn’t going to lie.
She just wasn’t going to tell him she was in love with someone else.
Thunder boomed across Jesse’s dark face. “Touch, how?”
“Enough that I understand the appeal of the ménage and what draws you to do it. I never expected you to change your sexuality for me. So I tried to adapt for you.”
I tried to find out what fascination a crass, difficult soldier had for me and I got burned.
The answer seemed to mollify him. “That’s . . . Wow, you’re an amazing woman. But you’re not like the whores and bimbos around all the time. I had no intention of sharing you. Not with Ryan. Not with anyone. If I make you bad, how can your good rub off on me?”
His tone was half-joking. Kimber wasn’t laughing. They really needed to get past this Virgin Mary image he had of her.
“Thanks for not wanting to share me with Ryan.”
Jesse leaned over, pulled her close. “You’re mine, babe. We’ve spent too many years apart for me to only get half of you. You’re the only one who really knows me. You’re the only one I care enough about to change for.”
“I didn’t ask you to change.”
“But for you, I want to. For you, I want to be a better man. Just being near you makes me one.”
His words were touching . . . but confusing. Why did he think he needed to change so badly? When had this all come about? And why had he pinned it all on her?
“Maybe we can compromise. You be a little better, I’ll be a little badder. It’ll all work out then.”
He hesitated. “Badder, how?”
“I hadn’t planned on being a virgin forever.”
Why not give her innocence to Jesse? She’d saved it for him for years, and Deke wouldn’t take it, no matter how badly he wanted to.
Jesse didn’t respond to that right away. “That makes sense. I have this plan. Just give me a little time. It’ll all work out, babe. You’ll see.” He finished with that smile he frequently flashed for the cameras.
It wasn’t his real smile. His real smile, she remembered from their summer together, was kind of goofy and lopsided. Mischief lurked in one corner, happiness in the other. This smile was symmetrical and phony. Kimber frowned.
“Cut the crap, Jesse. What sort of plan?”
“Nope, you can’t ruin it for me. I’ve had this worked out for a while. Come on the tour and all will be revealed.”
“When do we leave?” After five years of waiting and a broken heart, why put their relationship on hold any longer? She wanted to get on with her life, to find some semblance of a happily-ever-after.
And forget Deke. He was past. He’d driven her away, so she was moving forward. Soon, she hoped she and Jesse would find the right footing.
“A week from tomorrow.” He grabbed her hands. “It’ll be great to have you with me, keep me in line. Everything is going to be different. I’ll make the surprise worth your wait.”
“YOU’RE where?” her father boomed over the phone later that night.
Curled up on the couch in Jesse’s suite while the band rehearsed, she clutched her cell phone. “I’m in Houston. With Jesse. He’s in the States for the next few months, and we’re spending some time together.”
Her father paused. “You know what the press says about him? About his sex life?”
The man was still a parent, even though she was far from being a child. “Yes, Daddy. We’ve worked it out.” Time for a change of subject, before he asked what that meant, before he asked where she’d been—and who she’d been with—before going to Houston. “Where are you?”
“Watch yourself,” he said instead.
So much for the subject change. “I will. I’m a big girl now.”
“You are.” He barked the words, as if he hated to admit them. “When I look back, I wonder if, after your mother died, your brothers and I sheltered you too much. What do you know about a guy with a lifestyle like Jesse’s?”
Oh, she’d learned plenty from Deke and Luc, including heartache.
“Please, don�
�t worry. You did a great job being both a mom and dad. Logan and Hunter were typical overprotective brothers who ran off all my dates and made fun of me every time I put on a shred of makeup, but I’m not too mentally scarred. I’ll manage.”
Her dad’s husky laugh warmed her heart.
“I’ve known Jesse a long time,” she continued. “We’ve waited years for this opportunity. We just need to figure it out together.”
“I don’t see you being a superstar’s groupie.” The frown in his voice couldn’t be any more obvious.
Kimber had trouble with that picture, too, in truth. She couldn’t live on the road the way Jesse did, but could she just leave him to run off with the band and live the way he always had? Even if he wanted to “change,” that would take time. And what would happen if, someday, they followed through on the possibilities they’d discussed over the years and got married?
Could she stop loving Deke, wanting him, enough to say “I do” to someone else? How had that man turned all her plans upside down in a handful of days?
“I’m not going to be a groupie. And right now is our time to figure out what we’ll be to each other. Just let me handle it.”
“I don’t like it. He used to be a good enough kid, but what I hear now . . . I think it’s a mistake.”
Her gut clenched. Dad said it with such conviction. Still, he hadn’t seen Jesse in years, just heard about him. Not the same thing.
“It’s my mistake to make.”
Her father sighed. “Yeah, it is. Just . . . be careful, in more ways than one.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m on my way home from Thailand right now. When I get there, I want to check on you, check your brothers, the house.”
“Is someone still threatening you?”
“Yes. Sending creepy e-mails and leaving menacing messages. I don’t know who I’ve pissed off, or how serious he is. You know crackpots, and some never get past the threatening stage. But this one has mentioned you and said he’ll hurt you to hurt me.”
“This isn’t new, and nothing has ever happened to me.”
“There’s always a first. This one seems tenacious, so I’d feel better if you didn’t go anywhere alone right now. Remember your self-defense. I can’t persuade you to carry, can I?”
Unease sliced through her, razor-thin but impossible to ignore. Some creeps devoted their lives to waiting for their prey to get complacent and let their guard down. Who knew if this guy fit that profile?
“I’m not getting a permit to carry a handgun. I’ll be fine. I’m surrounded by people here.”
Her dad growled into the phone, like he wanted to say something more, but knew it was a futile argument. “So, you’re going to come visit your old man while I’m home, aren’t you?”
“Jesse’s tour stops in Dallas on the second night. I’ll drive out while we’re there. I’m looking forward to seeing you.”
“Me, too. Take care, little girl. I’ve missed you.”
He hadn’t called her that in years. Hadn’t said anything remotely emotional in even longer. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
He hesitated. “No. I just want you to be careful.”
Chapter Nine
“HOW was rehearsal?” Kimber asked as Jesse entered the hotel suite late in the afternoon nearly a week later.
He was shirtless, his longish hair wet from a recent shower. With a towel in one hand, a bottle of water in the other, he strode into the room, all lazy-hipped grace. The sleek bulge of his shoulder moved sinuously every time he swiped at his hair with the towel. His masculine throat worked with each swallow of water. His perfectly symmetrical features pulled into a balanced smile.
In the last five years, he’d definitely grown. No longer a cute boy, quite simply, he’d become a gorgeous man. No wonder he was on posters, billboards, and magazine covers all over the world. After years of sightless communication with him, Kimber was almost stunned anew by his beauty.
She enjoyed looking at him. Just looking. She wasn’t moved to touch him. Instead, she ached to see denim-dark blue eyes, razor-short hair, square jaw tensed, and a hard face filled with lust for her.
Damn it, she had to stop thinking about Deke. It wasn’t helping her here. Focus! What would be helpful was a hot ache in her belly that urged her to get naked with Jesse, the way a single glance from Deke had inspired her. The way a tender kiss from Luc could. But that urge to get down and dirty with Jesse wasn’t coming. In the last few days, she’d felt occasional bursts of feeling for him, like a camera’s flash, brilliant and brief, then gone. Nothing more.
It seemed the urge hadn’t hit Jesse, either. He’d kissed her sweetly every morning and tenderly every night, then retired to his own bed, leaving her alone in hers. Thank God.
But she did wonder, was there something wrong with her that no man seemed to want her virginity?
Confused by it all, Kimber shook her head.
But the mystery was deeper. In a handful of days, Deke, a man she’d told herself she couldn’t fall for, had barged his way into her heart and burrowed in deep. And she felt so stupid. Missing and loving a man who would never return her feelings made no sense. Jesse had been in her dreams, in her plans, for a long time. He was supposed to be her future. True, he wasn’t the same carefree teenager she recalled, no longer quick to laugh.
But she wasn’t the same woman. And she no longer saw Jesse through rose-colored glasses. What she needed, she feared Jesse didn’t have.
“Rehearsal was a regular fuckin”—he grimaced, as if remembering her presence—“It wasn’t smooth. We got some lazy people not doing their jobs. Hung over, the assholes.” He rolled his eyes. “And the press crawling around. Like they want to report it as news every time I spit. I wish to hell they didn’t follow me everywhere, but Cal encourages them. All for my ‘image.’ ”
“I’m sure he means well. Tonight’s show will be great.” Kimber did her best to sound supportive, like a friend should be. But she wasn’t familiar with the snarling side of Jesse.
“Cal is all for whatever lines his pockets. Greedy son of a bitch. If he wasn’t one of the best in the business, I’d shitcan his wrinkled ass and throw him off the gravy train. He acts like I need a damn daddy to keep me in line.”
Kimber hadn’t seen much of the older man, but enough to know that Cal felt that part of his role was to keep Jesse from self-destructing.
“He’s trying to help you.”
“He’s pissing me off.”
“Your only choices are to fire him, put up with him, or ask him to be nicer.”
That stopped his tirade. “Damn, you’re smart. You’re like your dad; you tell people how it is. I knew there was a reason I invited you on tour with me.”
Jesse smiled, relieving some of the severity on his face, then he hugged her, kissed her forehead. Kimber did her best to settle into his warmth and bask. But his snarling words were still ringing in her head, distracting her. And though he was gorgeous, everything with him felt wrong.
Kimber knew why. Damn Deke and his stubborn hide.
She stepped out of his embrace. “So, you ready for the show?”
“Yeah, we finally got it together. The venue is cool. I’ve really been looking forward to this.”
The look Jesse sent her made no sense. Secretive. Nervous. Eager. Tender. Interesting . . .
“Because it’s the start of the tour?”
“No. This show in particular. I’m a little nervous.”
She smiled and grabbed his hand, reminding herself that he needed a friend. Hell, so did she. From what she’d seen, neither Ryan nor Cal really fit that bill. No wonder he was cranky. And of course he was anxious about this show. As his friend, she could provide a little comfort.
“I’m sure the first show of a new tour is exciting. It’s sold out. Fans will be there. They love you. Nothing to be worried about.”
“Oh, I’m not worried about that. Sometimes, I think I could sing ‘Mary Had a
Little Lamb’ and they’d cheer their asses off.” He laughed, a cynical snort. “It’s crazy.”
“Then what’s up?”
“You’ll see . . .”
The singsong taunt was accompanied by that odd look. Jesse definitely had a secret. He was up to something.
“What are you planning?”
“You’ll have to wait until tonight to find out.”
“I’m looking forward to it.” But she lied. A dread she didn’t understand settled like a pile of rocks into her stomach. Surprises weren’t always good.
“That’s it?”
“Um, I’m sure it’ll be great.” Was he put out because she wasn’t jumping up and down to find out about the secret?
“I hope you think so.” He stared, those piercing dark eyes looking anxious and confused.
She sighed. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
A denial, pure and simple. Damn, the man was so moody. From highs to lows, from mischievous to pensive, all in a snap. Everyone always just adapted, Kimber noticed. Jesse was so used to the world revolving around him. It was so unlike her father and brothers, who only had three modes: work, laughter, and anger—in that order. Jesse was all over the emotional map.
“What happened to the you I used to know?” The question was out before she could stop it.
Jesse’s gaze snapped back to her. “What do you mean?”
Kimber fought the urge to fidget and looked away. But they hadn’t had an honest conversation in the last week. Passing and superficial, yes. He’d asked about her family, her schooling, scraped a bit of the surface about her wishes for the future. Granted, she hadn’t exactly been forthcoming. She couldn’t blurt out to the man she’d come to explore a future with that her heart was someplace else. Besides, he was totally absorbed with this tour and hadn’t opened up to her. Some days, he hardly talked at all.
Unlike Deke, who’d always connected with her, even with just a glance. He’d told her where she stood, even when he was trying to lie, whether she wanted to hear it or not.
