“Lola.” I exhaled, latching on to the way my mouth formed her name. I focused on what I could control instead of the last remnants of Caylee and Owen.
Caylee . . . how would I ever face her again?
The mere thought sent me careening into fresh sobs, my body trembling from repressed pain as I naturally curled into the fetal position. Even after all this time, dreams like this decimated me. It stripped whatever sense of strength I had encased myself in down to the raw, vulnerable weakness inside.
I loathed weakness.
It took one bark to reach into the fog and pull me out. Just one, but it was enough.
Fresh air. I needed fresh air. Despite everything in me demanding I stay where I was, twisted up in bed sheets and afraid, I couldn’t let it cripple me. Grabbing the ever-present bottle of anti-anxiety meds, I dropped three into my hand and downed them without water.
Hell, on my way out, I’d down a few shots of whatever alcohol I found first—numbing the emotion right out of me. I was used to chasing oblivion to deal.
This dream meant nothing.
It was simply the result of spending more and more time with Caylee. That was all. Nothing more, nothing less.
Closing my eyes again, I pulled Lola tighter against me.
Just a few minutes . . . I only needed a few extra minutes to gather myself.
As the medicine began working its charm, the first of my muscles relaxed.
Fuck, that had been bad.
Chapter Sixteen
Caylee
I couldn’t think of anything more glorious than my current situation. After a nonstop week filled with classes, library visits, and work-study, laying out in my back yard on a fold up chaise lounge was my definition of bliss.
No pressure or demands.
No brain hurt as I tried coaxing another thousand words out for my latest psychology paper.
The past few days had definitely left me drained, my focus split, but it was all good. The sun felt incredible across my skin, an example of what to expect, as summer grew closer. Without a doubt, this was the first of many future sunbathing opportunities.
“Morning,” Rebecca softly greeted, plopping down onto the chair beside me in a pretty teal bikini top and shorts. “I could seriously spend all day out here.”
I murmured my agreement. Pushing down my favorite sunglasses, I peered over the top of the large, white frames. “It balances out all the hours we spend in class under those fluorescent lights.”
“And the air conditioning. I swear the university wants to keep us shivering in our seats,” Rebecca added. “By the way, I totally want to borrow that swimsuit some time. It’s totally cute.”
“Like totes?” I teased, smiling.
“Absolutely. Like for reals,” she countered in an equally hilarious voice. Conversations with her were always like this—one moment, Rebecca was speaking in her regular tone, and the next, she was mimicking an accent she’d heard. “You’re adorbs, Caylee.”
I couldn’t hold my laughter in. “What can I say, it’s the cherries.” The swimming suit was by far my most favorite purchase, ever. The two-piece was a cool shade of pink with cherries that made me want to drive to the store and buy a big bag of the delicious fruit. The stitching was starting to fray somewhat, and the pattern fading from being washed one too many times, but I couldn’t bring myself to toss it.
Whenever I wore it, it reminded me of that sparkle Owen got in his eyes the second he saw me wearing it. He would get this seductive look as he wet his lips, his gaze skating over my body, setting it on fire with anticipation. It did something to him, and I loved it.
Loved it.
It had been years since I’d been on the receiving end of his hunger and desire. I missed it, and somewhere deep inside my heart, I believed he was still watching, close but so far away. Each time I thought of him, the longing to touch but not being able to, caused my chest to constrict.
I didn’t mean to purposely remind myself of things I’d lost—love I’d lost. Sometimes, the memories simply happened. Like breathing. It came, I remembered, and then it fell away like a ghost being called to its final resting place. I wouldn’t say it haunted me, not now. I was in a much better place with my grief, and not every reminder crippled me.
Like today.
All I felt was his love—another reason I wasn’t quite ready to retire this swimsuit to the back of my drawers. It helped keep that connection between us.
Rebecca leaned over and prodded me with her finger. “Earth to Caylee . . . hello!”
Between my own thoughts and the summery, toasty feeling from the sun, I was already starting to drift off. “I’m listening,” I protested.
“Ha ha. No you’re not, but that’s okay.” She didn’t bother looking my way, instead pulling the brim of her big, floppy hat down further over her eyes. “I was just saying that I’m not sure this thing I have going with Marty is going to work out.” Rebecca added a heavy sigh.
“I thought you were both keeping it casual and having fun?” The whole appeal of friends with benefits was lost on me, but she swore by it. This way, she’d confessed, she could enjoy her cake without having to commit to just one flavor . . . or something like that.
“We are, but I think I’m about to break the number one rule when it comes to fuck buddies.”
“Which is?” I had a suspicion what it was, but I wasn’t sure. Taking my glasses off so I could see her better, I folded them before placing them beside me.
Rebecca groaned loudly. “Don’t ever fall in love.”
Woah.
“You’re falling in love with him?” I asked, sitting up. We’d spent hours and hours discussing her relationship with Cooper’s best friend while carefully sidestepping the subject of mine with Cooper. There was never any denying the chemistry between the two—they often found it impossible to keep themselves from touching and kissing each other—but that was basically it. They flirted. They made out. They disappeared into a room for privacy, exiting hours later a little disheveled and grinning from ear to ear.
This was definitely a twist in events.
Covering her face with her hands, her response came out as a series of muffled moans and murmurs. “I don’t know, Caylee. Maybe.” For someone who was talking of love, she sure didn’t sound happy about it. In fact, she sounded positively miserable.
“Did something change?” I asked, confused.
“No. Marty’s the same as ever. I guess I just worry about investing my heart with someone who’s a complete player.” Her response came out in one long, breathy sentence.
“Are you wanting something more exclusive with him?”
“Like do I want to go steady with him?” That familiar spark of humor flashed over her serious features. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Seems like you have a lot of maybes going on,” I ventured, not really knowing what to say. I’d never been a fan of playing the field. My one attempt at casual dating resulted in me marrying Owen.
“Like, when we’re together, everything is wonderful. He’s funny and attentive, and we have a good time.” She made sure to hold eye contact as she winked suggestively. “A real good time, if you know what I mean.”
I still couldn’t see why she was hedging. “So what’s the problem?”
“Have you ever had a situation where everything looks okay on the surface except for this feeling in your heart? And there’s no reason for you to even acknowledge the doubt because your life is perfect. Falling in love with Marty wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to do. We’re both young and have a lot in common.”
“But you also don’t want your heart broken,” I added and was rewarded with a head nod from her.
“Am I stupid for wanting to call it off over something that might not happen?” Rebecca’s brow wrinkled as she played with the hem of her shorts. She always fidgeted when she was nervous or unsure.
She asked a good question—one I wasn’t sure I was qualified to answer. Matters
of the heart were always so tricky, especially in the beginning as each person opened up piece by piece, slowly becoming more vulnerable. While I didn’t go into my relationship with Cooper with the intention of something romantic evolving, it hadn’t stopped me daydreaming about it. These same thoughts Rebecca was—I’d had them, too.
Was giving yourself over to someone a risk worth taking when the results could leave a path of destruction in its wake?
I’d given in to my feelings for Owen, believing we would last forever. Knowing how that had ended and the heartache that had ripped my world apart, I was a little gun-shy now. No pun intended.
I was pretty sure this was at the heart of Rebecca’s doubt—the fear of experiencing something so completely incredible and joyous, only to have it taken away.
“I can’t really tell you what to do, Rebecca,” I started, speaking each word slowly as I searched for the right thing to say. “I guess the only way to truly know is to follow your heart and see where it leads you.”
“And if it’s to heartache?”
“Then we’ll eat ice cream, cry, and make a list of all the reasons you’re too good for him.” My answer made her smile.
“I really like him, Caylee,” she whispered. “So I guess we’ll see where it leads us.”
Reclining against my chair, the bite from the sun felt like Heaven across my bared skin. “Sometimes that’s all you can do. Maybe you just need to enjoy the time you two spend together and let things evolve. If it’s meant to happen, it’s meant to happen.” I couldn’t help but add that last bit. It was something I frequently said whenever we talked about Cooper.
A wistful smile returned to her face. “Did I tell you about our date last night?”
I’d already been in bed by the time she’d come home, so we hadn’t had a chance to talk about it—breaking down each moment and analyzing it to death. “Where did he end up taking you?” They had a deal between them that they’d alternate who picked what, and yesterday had been Marty’s choice. On one occasion, he’d taken her go-cart racing and she’d loved it.
“We went out for sushi,” she gushed, all the uncertainty from earlier gone. “I swore I’d never eat it again after the fiasco last year, but he asked me to trust him . . . that not all sushi was created equal.”
“And?” I replied, curious. One of the first things she’d shared in the beginning of our friendship was her firm stance on the evils of raw fish. All it had taken was eight excruciatingly long hours in the local ER and two days of feeling like death to turn her into a passionate advocate against all things seaweed, rice, and fish. It was a topic she ranted about often.
“I’m happy to say I survived and could possibly be persuaded to indulge in more in the future. He took me to Wok Delights over on Butler Ave—the restaurant that opened a few months ago and has been getting good reviews.” Straightening out the leg of her shorts, Rebecca quit messing with her clothes and relaxed. “We also tried that beer in the cute Buddha bottle we saw at the grocery store.”
Many people purchased their alcohol based on the company and taste. Not Rebecca and me. We bought solely on how much we liked the packaging. “Did it taste good?” I asked, suddenly thirsty. A glass of wine or a fruity wine cooler would be perfect right now.
“Meh, it was okay. But that’s what got me started on this whole ‘do-I-let-myself-fall-in-love’ train of thought over Marty. The dude makes me laugh like no other.” She let out another conflicted sigh.
“Well, that’s not exactly a bad thing,” I teased, my fingers playing with the arm of my glasses. The more time passed, the brighter the day got, the sun starting to make me squint. “What’d he say?”
She started laughing at the memory. “I made some random comment about how people believed it was good luck to rub the belly of the Buddha and that maybe he needed to rub the bottle for this rock festival they’ve got coming up. He, of course, took that one step further and dumped the conversation in the gutter.”
“Let me guess, he asked you to rub something else.” I’d spent enough time with the guys to see where their minds naturally lead. Marty was a sweet guy, but he definitely thought with his crotch. Anything that could lead to sex—he was all over it.
Rebecca pulled a face, crossing her eyes as she snorted. “Bingo. He politely informed me that if I was into that kind of thing, he had something I could rub for luck any time I wanted.”
It sounded like classic Marty. “So.” I didn’t even need to ask.
“We paid for our check, went back to his place . . .” Crooking her arm behind her head, Rebecca gazed over at me with a gloating smirk. “And I got lucky.”
“Sometimes I wonder whether I know a little too much about your sex life,” I groaned, putting my sunglasses on again. Adjusting the back of my chair, I elevated it into a more comfortable sitting position with my legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles.
“You love me. Don’t deny it,” Rebecca yawned as she covered her mouth to stifle the sound. Today was definitely on its way to being the perfect Saturday—lazy and guilt free. Schoolwork was the last thing on our minds.
“True,” I answered, unable to keep myself from mirroring her yawn. Damn thing was catching. “I wish we could spend every day like this . . . without a care in the world.”
She cracked an eye open. “Something going on with you?”
Translation: What has Cooper Hensley done now?
“Nope. Just tired. I sometimes think it would be nice not to be a responsible adult and just blow things off. To have a chance to be still for a little bit and do nothing.” My entire comment was an understatement. There were days where all I could do was fantasize about living that kind of lifestyle. There was no doubt I’d eventually get tired of it—there were only so many times I could lay about and do nothing before it drove me bat-shit crazy. I liked being active, but even I reached my limit on stress.
“Then I vote we make this another tradition. We’ll call it Blow Off Saturday. Just a few hours where we can relax and not worry about everything else.”
“That sounds like freaking Heaven,” I exclaimed, feeling my body mold even more to the chair as my muscles relaxed.
Rebecca shot up instantly, a telltale sign she was excited, and reached for her phone. “Oh my gosh, that reminds me. I was fiddling around in Photoshop earlier and came up with a few logo ideas for the band. I was thinking if they liked one, we could get some printed at Office Max and take them with us to the rock festival. Seeing as we’re their number one groupies and all.” Scrolling through her photo gallery, she hit the screen with her thumb before turning to show me. “What do you think?”
There were three designs in all—each just as eye-catching as the other. “I don’t know why you complain about sucking because these look incredible.” Out of the three, I preferred the skull design with wings over the grungy looking guy and another colorful skull design with a guitar. “This is my favorite.”
Looking at the winged skull, Rebecca nodded. “Me too. And I really like the black and white pinwheel pattern behind it. I kind of messed around with different colors, but don’t you think the red outline also makes it pop?”
To me, the logo had a real retro feel to it and reminded me of some of my favorite rock groups growing up. “Have you shown Marty or Cooper these?” My mind was already clicking over ideas, and I wondered how quickly we could have T-shirts made up.
“Is it bad that I was too nervous to show Marty?”
I shook my head. “No, but again, I’m not sure why you’d feel like that because these are good. Seriously.” Knowing she wouldn’t believe me until she actually heard it from the guys, I grabbed my own phone and started to call Cooper.
His familiar ring tone rang, surprisingly loud and close—too close. Like in the same vicinity close.
It was my turn to bolt upright, wildly looking back toward the house for the source of the noise.
And there Cooper stood, in all his wonderful glory. Wearing tight blue jeans and
a V-necked white shirt sporting some company’s design. My response was always the same—an outward friendly smile that gave away nothing of the turmoil his appearance always stirred. My stomach dipped at the same time my heartbeat began to thump in my chest. He made my pulse race just with the slightest of glimpses, and no matter how hard I tried to squash those feelings, I couldn’t keep my mouth from becoming dry.
I wanted to kiss him.
I wanted him to kiss me.
If I was honest with myself, that was just a small inkling of the things I wanted to do to that man.
There were a million reasons why falling for Cooper was a bad mistake, a monumental disaster in the making. There was also one reason that obliterated them—he made me feel alive. That one belief was like a blessing and a curse. The fear Rebecca had with Marty matched my own—only Cooper came with an insane amount of baggage—a minefield of obstacles to navigate. If I held the same power to affect him, he never gave it away.
Even now, as I realized he was fully dressed and I was in the smallest of bikinis, I squeaked.
I might as well have been naked.
“I hope you don’t mind that I stopped by unannounced. I was passing by and thought I’d say hello.” His greeting trailed off as he approached our chairs. “Shit, I’m interrupting.”
I watched his expressions like a hawk, hoping to see even the faintest hint that he liked what he saw, maybe a lingering gaze or a subtle grin. Anything to show I wasn’t alone in this attraction and that it wasn’t all in my head.
His eyes met mine, and they dropped for a brief second. It was only a moment, but I swore I caught something.
Desire.
Appreciation.
And then his gaze was gone.
“You have perfect timing, Cooper,” Rebecca answered, shooting me a concerned look. Sooner or later, I was going to need to confess these feelings to her and quit pretending I was completely unaware with how sexy Cooper was. “We were just talking about you.”
Her comment made me blush like I’d been caught doing something scandalous or mischievous.
Bittersweet Melody Page 15
