His face becomes pale under his tan. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks urgently.
‘Just come with me,’ I urge, and start pulling him down the corridor.
He falls into step beside me. Outside Dahlia’s door I pause and look at him. There are lines on his face that were not there a few months ago. How much he has changed. I turn the handle and let him enter.
He stops almost immediately. Then he runs to her bed, his hands outstretched. He touches her skin. He stares down at her face. He listens to her chest. Then he turns to me.
‘What the hell?’ he shouts wildly.
‘The new maid accidentally turned off the wrong switch while she was vacuuming,’ I say.
He starts laughing. Like a mad man. ‘Fuck, Noah. She’s breathing on her own,’ he shouts.
I start laughing too.
His eyes are shining. ‘This is good,’ he says. ‘It’s fucking good.’
I nod and he rushes to me, throws his arms around me and pulls me into a great big bear hug. For a second I am too shocked to do anything, then I hug him back tightly.
When he lets go there are tears in his eyes
‘Shit. I’m crying,’ he says. He wipes them with the sides of his hands. ‘I’ve never cried tears of joy in my life. I never even knew what the phrase meant.’
‘I’m really glad,’ I say softly.
‘Who took the tube out?’
I point at Jane who is standing silently by the curtain. ‘Jane did.’
He turns to look at her. ‘Great. Just great. Well done.’
Then he turns to look at me, shaking his head and grinning from to ear to ear. He turns back to Jane. ‘Have you called the doctor?’ he asks suddenly.
‘The doctor is on his way,’ she says.
‘Well done,’ he tells her. He faces me. ‘About the maid, give her a bonus, two years’ wages, and fire her. Get someone more experienced to clean Dahlia’s room.’
‘Yes, boss.’
He goes back to the bed and looks down at Dahlia, his eyes roaming her face possessively.
He turns his head to me. ‘I can’t believe it, Noah,’ he says with a big grin.
‘I know,’ I say. ‘I nearly had a heart attack myself when I came in and saw what she had done.’
He laughs again. A deep belly laugh of pure joy
‘Right, I’ll be outside if you need me,’ I say, and leave the room.
Stella
‘You may not be able to see me right now, Dahlia, but I’m freaking killing it doing the happy dance!’
June
Thirty-nine
Zane
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Dat9CRV800
It’s a hot, muggy night, and it’s been one of those days when I feel her loss more keenly. As Bernadette told me, there’ll be good days and bad days. You just have to weather the bad days and the good days will roll on in.
I decide to go and have a drink at the Matrix.
Not since Dahlia was ripped away from me have I been there. I enter the club and look around. Nothing has changed. I walk to my usual table and sit. A waitress comes to ask what I want to drink. She must be new. I haven’t seen her before. I order a large vodka.
‘And bring the bottle,’ I tell her.
‘Yes, Sir,’ she says.
She brings a full bottle and a large vodka on a tray. ‘Will there be anything else, Sir?’
‘I’ll let you know,’ I say, picking up the glass and raising it to my lips.
She slips away, and I drink. More than half the bottle is gone when a woman’s voice asks, ‘Zane?’
I lift my head. A woman with curly blonde hair and a tight short dress is standing in front of me with her head tilted and her eyebrows raised. I frown at her. She looks familiar. Yup, I think I remember her. We met through a mutual acquaintance at a Casino. She is Swedish or Norwegian.
She smiles. ‘Remember me?’ she prompts.
‘Vaguely,’ I say.
‘I’m Abbie, a friend of Zio Tito. We met in Monte Carlo, last year?’
I nod.
‘Are you alone?’
I spread my hand out and let it flop down.
She laughs. Low and sexy. Yes, I remember that. Abbie, the consummate flirt. ‘Do you mind if I join you?’
I gesture to the space next to me and she takes a seat, gracefully aligning her body so her smooth legs are ever so slightly apart and slanted towards me. She has the kind of golden skin that only true Nordics can have.
‘So what’s Zio Tito up to these days?’ I ask.
She pulls a face. ‘Doing time in Italy.’
I smile dryly. Of course he is. ‘What’s he in for?’
‘Some kind of ticket touting online racket.’
Truth is, that is the fate of most criminals. In and out of prison.
The waitress comes and Abbie orders a White Russian. I didn’t expect it to hurt that much, but I feel it like a stab in my gut. That’s Dahlia’s drink. What the fuck am I doing here? We sat here. Right here on this very seat. A deep painful breath shudders through me.
She immediately puts her hand on my thigh. ‘Are you OK?’
The shock of having another human being touch me makes me instantly look at her hand. For a second my intoxicated mind believes it is Dahlia’s sweet hand. It is the thigh scratch. My confused gaze flies up to the face that goes with the hand. And there it is: the invitation to fuck. As clear as daylight.
Do I want to fuck?
Yes.
It must have shown in my face because she moves closer. Her perfume hits me, foreign and thick, and suddenly I am nauseated. Sick to my stomach. I stand up unsteadily. I want to fuck, but not you. I want my Dahlia.
She stands too. ‘Are you all right?’
I wave my hand at her. ‘I’m fine.’
I weave through the crowd, pushing people out of the way. I don’t belong here. I need to get back. I need to keep watch. She may open her eyes and not find me there. I need to get back. I reach the door, and Noah grabs my shoulder.
‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Let’s get you home.’
I look into his eyes. ‘Yeah, take me home.’
I slump at the back of the Merc with my hands over my eyes. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I can’t go on like this. Something’s got to give. The car lurches, and my head hits the side of the door.
God, I’m such a fucking mess.
The car stops and I stumble out. Noah tries to help me but I push him away. Yuri has the front door open and I sway past him. I go down the corridor and open the door to her room. The nurse is reading a book by the lamp. When she sees me, she immediately puts the book down and stands up.
‘Go now,’ I tell her harshly.
Quietly, she goes past me. I take a few steps into the room and look at my little fish lying on her bed. Fuck, it never fails to amaze me how perfectly still she sleeps. Even if I watch her for hours she will never move a muscle, and yet I know she is in there. I walk up to her still body. I am glad for the silence. I used to hate the eerie rasp of the ventilator. I love watching her breathing. It means she is alive. I touch her face.
‘Wake up, little fish. Please. Wake up.’
She doesn’t open her eyes. Something tears inside me. I gently push the blanket covering her. She is dressed in a soft loose cotton shirt. I lift it up. She is wearing a diaper. Gently, I undo it. It is clean. The skin around the tops of her thighs is without redness or rashes. Good. The nurses have instructions to check her diaper and turn her once every hour to ensure she never gets bedsores.
I stare at her pubic area. The hair has grown back. It is not trimmed or clean-shaven as she sometimes used to have it. Strange, how totally unerotic it looks. In my head I can hear that nurse say, ‘Sometimes when we brush their teeth or shave them they will open their eyes.’
Maybe.
I look at her sleeping face.
Tenderly, I spread her legs and put my tongue into the damp slit. No one sees me. Not even the moon. As soon
as my tongue touches her soft flesh my eyes begin to fill with tears. Oh shit. What the fuck am I doing? Tears pour down my face as I lick her. She doesn’t even taste the same anymore.
Wake up, Dahlia. Wake up.
She doesn’t become wetter. She doesn’t wake up, and I just feel worse than the most disgusting pervert. I fix the diaper back and cover her with the blanket. I kiss her cheek.
‘I love you, little fish. I really, really do,’ I whisper.
She makes no response.
‘OK, sleep well. I’ll see you in the morning.’
I lurch away from the bed and open the door. Immediately, the nurse gets up from her chair. She goes into the room and closes the door. I trudge upstairs and lie on my bed, but I can’t sleep. I am filled with an indescribable restlessness. Eventually, I get out of bed and go to the cupboard. Inside a drawer I find the box. I open it and take the male masturbator out. ‘For when I am not here,’ she said.
Oh, Dahlia.
I lie on the bed propped up against the pillows. I apply the lube and switch on the gadget. I think of myself licking her, not the way she was today, but the way she was when she first came to me. She had been so full of life and as proud as a queen. God, how different I would have been if I had known then what I know now. If only I’d known how little time there was.
The machine whirls softly. In my head I part her thighs and enter her delicious body. She writhes and moans in ecstasy.
‘Fuck me hard, Zane. Fuck me.’
Her eyes are closed. Her body is arched. I take her nipple in my mouth and she groans with pleasure.
‘Come inside me, Zane. Fill me with your hot cum.’
I climax hard, my body jerking, crying out for her.
For some time I lie there, too exhausted and defeated to do anything. Then I take the masturbator off and clean myself. I crawl under the duvet and try to sleep. Tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow she will open her beautiful chartreuse eyes.
August
Forty
Zane
I’m just reminding you, little fish, that Andre Rieu’s concert is only a month away. I’ll be playing at the Royal Albert Hall in front of hundreds of people but the performance will be just for you. There is a box seat waiting for you. Will you please try to come and watch me play, Dahlia? After all, this is your dream …
October
Forty-one
Olga
‘At midnight I saw the sun shining as if it were noon.’
-Apuleius, The Golden Ass
I bend down and stroke her hair. ‘It’s time to wake up,’ I tell her, as I have done every single day since she came back from hospital. ‘Come on. You can do it.’
All these months I got no reaction, and yet today something is different. I can feel it. I touch her cheek. ‘Wake up, brave American eagle and catch your snake,’ I whisper fiercely.
Then I straighten and watch her.
There.
A twitch.
Her face twitches.
I clasp my hands together and start praying. I should go call the nurse, but I don’t. Instead I will her to wake up.
‘Wake up. Wake up. Today is a very important day. You must wake up. Come on. Zane needs you today. You must wake up, brave eagle.’
I wait.
Then.
Her finger … moves.
I stop breathing. Oh God, please let her wake up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQHsXMglC9A
Forty-two
Dahlia Fury
In the beginning I heard indistinct voices, but I could never tell if I was dreaming or not. They seemed to be very close to my ear. I dropped in and out of consciousness effortlessly and without any control. I had strange dreams. Often there were balls of fire. I thought I was a child again walking in a meadow.
Sometimes I’d feel my body being moved around on the bed.
Slowly, I heard the voices of all the people I loved. I understood everything they were saying and I wanted to reach out, oh how much I wanted to talk to them, but I was like a tree, voiceless, unable to move my limbs on my own.
I know that the big concert is today.
Zane will be playing the piano at an Andre Rieu concert. I am so proud of him. No matter what, I cannot miss this performance. I pull my eyebrows upwards with all my might and manage to half-open my eyes. The light is like knives, entering my eyes and piercing my brain. It blinds me and I snap my eyes shut. I feel a rush of movement, then I hear the curtains being drawn closed I struggle again and open my eyes, this time fully. In the dimness of the room I slowly make out a blurry figure. The figure comes closer to me.
‘Oh, my darling, darling girl, you’re awake!’ the person says excitedly.
Olga. That’s Olga’s voice.
‘This is amazing. You woke up today. I knew you would. Zane is playing the piano at a concert tonight. He is already at the concert hall. I’m going to go and call him. He’ll be so happy. This is a miracle.’
I dart my eyes to the side and back to her, and she frowns. ‘You don’t want me to call Zane?’
I move my eyebrows and blink.
For a while she stares at me, then realization dawns. ‘You want to go to the concert. You want to surprise him.’
Tears fill my eyes and run down the sides of my face. I move my eyebrows and blink again.
She starts crying. ‘You have really learned to fly, haven’t you,’ she chokes out. ‘OK, I’ll call Noah and Stella. They’ll know what to do. Stella will make you pretty, and Noah will sort out how to transport you there. Don’t worry, between us we’ll get you there.’
I wriggle my eyebrows. There seems to be more movement and it was so much easier to perform. At that point I feel myself slipping into sleep again, but I know they will wake me up in time for the concert.
When I wake up again it is because Stella is screaming in my ear. I open my eyes without difficulty, and the room is pleasantly dim. I open my mouth and one word struggles out.
‘Kebab.’ It sounds high-pitched and strange to me.
‘Oh, you big idiot, you,’ she says, and hoots with laughter. She grabs my face in both her hands and kisses me on the mouth.
‘I love you, Dahlia. I love you,’ she sings.
I smile up at her.
‘I’ve called Molly,’ she says, ‘and she’s bringing a dress for you. Two sizes smaller. I’m afraid you’ve become one of them skinny bitches,’ she says cheerfully.
‘I … don’ … t … want … t … o … wear … a … dia … per,’ I say.
‘I agree. It’s not a good look.’ She grins.
Olga brings pillows and puts them behind me so I am propped up. Slowly, bit by bit, the words start forming and exit from my stiff, out of practice, throat. Stella calls my mom and Daisy and both of them sob with happiness. Daisy declares it a miracle, but I know it is something else. Love. Zane’s deep love reached out and touched me while I was in that still white world. I was always waiting for him. Always.
After the call I watch in a daze as Stella gives me a manicure and a pedicure. My nails are painted pearl pink.
‘Mark,’ I say.
And her eyes light up. ‘Oh, Dahlia. I think I’m in love with him.’
I beam with happiness. ‘Really?’
‘Yes, really. He’s wonderful,’ she gushes.
‘Happy. So. Very happy for you,’ I say.
At that moment Molly arrives with the dress.
‘I’ll tell you everything tomorrow,’ Stella promises.
‘OK.’
The dress is unveiled and it is beautiful: velvet, halter neck, deep green, and long. Both girls help me dress, then Noah comes and gently, as if I am the most precious thing on earth, lifts me off the bed and puts me into the wheelchair that Zane apparently ordered nearly a year ago.
I look up at them all, full of love and gratitude.
‘I love you all,’ I whisper.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZXxI2kQwns&nohtml
From my box I watc
h the musicians come on the stage and take their places. My heart beats frantically as I wait for the pianist to arrive. Finally, he comes into the spotlight. Oh! Wow! How beautiful he looks in his white tie formal orchestra dress code: long black tailcoat, white wing-collared shirt and bowtie.
That there is my man.
I tremble with love for him. He turns towards the crowd and bows stiffly. The audience claps.
Then, as if against his will, his eyes stray towards my box. He does a double take when our eyes touch. Suddenly the rest of the audience falls away. We stare at each other. He shakes his head as if he can’t believe his eyes.
I smile at him.
His mouth drops open as his hands rise up in a gesture of incredulity. His eyes move to my left and fall on Noah. Only then does he believe his eyes. A fellow musician touches his arm, and he glances around at the man. He says something to him then immediately turns back to me, as if he is afraid that I am only an apparition. His face full of joy and love, he takes a step as if to come to me, but I shake my head slightly. It stops him.
‘Play for me, Aleksandr Malenkov,’ I mouth and smile at him.
He nods slowly before going to take his position at the gleaming piano. From there he gazes at me until Andre Rieu comes on stage and he is given a standing ovation.
To my shock he starts telling the audience about me!
About a woman who secretly found her boyfriend’s music notes and took them to a fellow musician. He made it funny by adding in the bit about the masseuse connection.
‘It’s a tale of great love. This brave woman while trying to save him fell into a coma that lasted a year. The doctors thought she might not make it, but against all odds she is here today. Please welcome Dahlia Fury.’
He raises his right hand and waves it towards me. Every eye in that place settles on me curiously as they clap.
Heat flames up my neck and face. How on earth could Andre Rieu know I’d be here? In my confusion and embarrassment I look to Zane. He smiles at me as if his heart would burst with pride. I turn my head to look at Noah, and suddenly I know. Oh, Noah. Silent, strong and loyal to the bone. You told Andre Rieu.
You Don't Own Me: A Bad Boy Mafia Romance (The Russian Don Book 2) Page 17
