by Nicola Rose
No.
No. I have seen the pain in his eyes, but I have also seen the love. I can’t be the only one that feels this deep need—
“Livia!” Felix bellows through the villa.
Marcus never returned for his thorough inspection, because Felix arrived home this morning after all. I never thought there would come a day that I would be glad for his return, but this was that day. Even though I was now biting back fear and putting up every shield in readiness for what was to come.
I find him lying on the wooden couch, Aelia straddled over him, riding his cock with gusto. Titus stands, arms folded, watching the show with an expressionless face.
“Care to explain?” Felix asks, nodding to the fading bruises on her neck.
She darts a sideways glance at me and my heart freezes.
If she talks…
“You asked me to send a girl to your Champion, as his reward—”
“Do not take me for a fool, woman. You knew I did not mean this girl.”
“Apologies,” I mutter, beginning to remove my dress.
“Don’t bother,” he shakes his head in disgust. “Your jealousy of my Aelia is a massive turn-off. Take your bitter arse elsewhere, and be grateful that I do not have you flogged out there on the training ground.”
I sag with relief and have to bite my tongue to keep from smiling.
The Gods have blessed me. I must find a way to repay them.
28
Livia
My mood is unusually light. I’ve cleared out the worry from my head. Felix didn’t punish me for Aelia. Marcus never came back. And my gladiator recently owned me in a way that made my body sing and my mind turn to mush.
I flit around the villa and offer smiles to the slaves. They scurry away in confusion and I smile more. When I step outside even Cassian looks startled by my behaviour as he catches sight of me. He’s dining at an outside table with the other men and quickly resumes eating but I pause, watching… waiting for the numerous glances in my direction. I pretend to me admiring the flowers that grow in our small garden below my balcony. Lingering. Pushing my luck.
One bit of good fortune and I’m courting danger again. Testing the boundaries further. Already dreaming up my next encounter with my gladiator. Perhaps he’s right. Maybe if I give the slaves some kindness they’ll continue to keep quiet and we won’t have to end this… relationship.
Cassian finishes his meal and starts toward me, as if he’s completely lost his mind, too. Vitus tugs his shoulder and redirects him to the cells. But not before he turns and flashes me a brooding glare over his shoulder. Still angry. It catches me so off guard that I shriek with surprise when Felix yells my name from within the villa.
He summons me to our balcony and we sit overlooking the courtyard. We come here to watch the gladiators training. My core thrums in approval at the thought of seeing Cassian out there today… rugged and swaggering, rigid with hateful passion for me. Oh yes, he will fight like a beast and I will swoon—
My heart stutters. It’s not Cassian that appears on the ground below us, but Aelia. Bound and frightened.
Led by Titus, with death in his eyes.
“What is the meaning of this?” My voice trembles.
Felix glances at me with a ruthless smile. “This is about keeping the slaves in order.”
Aelia is strapped to a large wooden cross in the centre of the grounds. I leave my seat and try to exit the balcony.
“Stay,” Felix commands, pulling me back down.
This can’t be happening. I spot Cassian stalking the courtyard perimeter. Up and down he prowls like a caged predator. Silent, stealthy… deadly. Just like the alpha dog used to…
He looks up to us in the balcony with a glare so defiant that I quickly take hold of Felix’s hand to distract him. My palms grow clammy. “I don’t understand, Aelia is your favoured girl—”
“She has been fucked by a gladiator. You’ve tainted her. She’s of no worth to me now.” He snatches back his hand and scans the yard. Mercifully Cassian is now locked in heated debate with Vitus.
My throat closes up. You’ve tainted her.
The first of her screams slaps me right in the face. Quickly followed by another as Titus rips her clothing away and cracks a whip across her delicate back. The skin peels away as if it’s nothing but silk.
“That wasn’t her fault… she has committed no crime,” I try to talk with conviction, but guilt swarms me, my voice falters.
It should be me, it should be me…
“You’re right, it’s not her fault, it’s yours. Perhaps I should have you brandish the whip as your own punishment?”
I feel dizzy. I try to stand again.
“Sit down, woman!” he sighs. “Her punishment is deserved. She was stealing from me, every time we were together… a coin here, a coin there. It used to turn me on that she was so brazen, my brave little whore. Now she’s just tainted. Let this be a lesson to the whole ludus that Felix Atticus will not tolerate their insolence.”
She’s screaming so loudly. Desperate and agonised. The sound of each strike echoes through my skull.
29
Livia
Felix is long gone. As are Cassian and Vitus.
Titus was the last to leave. He ran his hands over her limp body, mocking her, celebrating her death. Wickedness laced his every movement. Honestly, I think if he hadn’t noticed me still watching from the balcony then he might have spent the whole day playing with his dead toy.
I sit here, staring at her, and emptiness threatens to swallow me. I can’t stop replaying it over and over in my mind. The whip, the sound, the look on her face… the overzealous beating from Titus that ripped the light from her eyes.
It’s been hours, but I can’t move. I can’t tear my attention away.
Not even when the crows come to peck at her glazed eyes. Going for the softest, juiciest parts first; so Felix informed me once.
I will keep this image with me forever. My own punishment. Every day I will see her dead face and remember that I did this. How could I ever have suggested that we kill her? Was I truly no better than my husband?
I held their lives in my palm and watched so many fade from existence before me. How many gladiators had I sent into the arena? How many men had I seen die? And how many times had I enjoyed it?
All the time.
But not this time. This time, something broke inside me.
30
Livia
It’s only when night has fallen and I can no longer see her that I venture through the villa in search of Alba. I don’t know how I will look at her, without feeling every ounce of her blame and hatred, but I must try. I must say something to her. They were friends…
As I pass his private room I hear Felix talking with Marcus from within. I pause, just around the door, and hold my breath.
“He’s a liability,” Marcus speaks. “He has too much confidence and position within this ludus. It’s only a matter of time before he rebels and brings you strife.”
“He’s my best fighter,” Felix mumbles.
“His performance at the last games was terrible. If he has another fight like that then his value will drop beyond repair. There are plenty more out there. Sell him and choose another.”
“It’s not that simple—”
“Know that if he disrespects me again, I will have him killed. I don’t care that he’s your champion. Then you’ll be left with no money out of him at all. Get rid of him, now.”
There’s a pause, and my heart stops in case they’ve realised I’m here, but then Marcus speaks again. “Have you seen the way he looks at your wife?”
“What?” Felix shouts.
No!
No, no, no.
Panic claws up my spine.
“You’ve seen it,” Marcus replies. “Will you seriously continue to ignore it?”
“He’s a dirty animal with no intelligence. He poses no threat to me.”
Marcus laughs. “He poses e
very threat to you, brother. Do not dismiss his capabilities just because you think you have him shackled. Is Aelia not warning enough? The minds of these savages can only be contained for so long—”
“I’ve had an offer,” Felix interrupts. “Erucias has offered me a large sum of coin if I have Cassian throw a fight. He’s looking to improve the ranking of his own gladiator and happy to pay to ensure his victory.”
“It better be a lot of coin to make that worthwhile. Having your gladiator surrender will render him worthless from there on. You’d have to throw him away to pit fighting after a defeat like that. Then you’d never sell him, you’ll still be stuck with him here—”
“I’m not talking about having him surrender. He’ll be instructed to endure a total defeat. Erucias will have his man kill Cassian.”
“Well,” Marcus muses. “That would certainly be a fitting punishment.”
The room darkens at the edges.
My legs wobble, and my head hits the stone floor with a crack.
There’s nothing but black.
31
Livia
I come round in my bed with Alba mopping my brow.
Of course Felix wasn’t there, hovering in worry to check on his wife like a normal husband. No. He was elsewhere, and when Alba called him to say that I’d awoken, it still took him an age to arrive, adjusting his manhood back into place beneath his tunic. Did he fuck all day long?
Trying to sit up, a blinding wave of pain shoots through my head. I touch my fingers to the dried blood in my hair.
“It’s only a minor wound, Domina,” Alba pats my leg.
“What’s the matter with you?” Felix demands.
“I don’t know… I was just walking to the kitchen and I felt dizzy…”
“You’re not with child are you?”
“No.” No! Gratitude to the Gods, the secret tonic I took each day seemed to be preventing that.
“Are you sick?” No concern in his voice, only annoyance.
“No,” I sigh.
“Very well, then. Try eating more food, you’re a bag of old bones these days.”
“Yes, I will.” Alba’s hand tightens on my knee. A gesture that seemed like one of support. Why would she offer me any sort of comfort?! Maybe she was grateful for the time I let her have with Vitus. Though she was a fool if she couldn’t see that I only did it for my own benefit.
For time spent with Cassian—
Erucias will have his man kill Cassian…
I can’t breathe.
I reach up to my throat, feeling the colour drain from my face.
I’m going to be sick.
I lean over the side of the bed and vomit all over the floor.
Felix backs out of the room. “For fuck’s sake. I’m going away to the other villa, I don’t want to catch whatever sickness you harbour. Send word to me once you have recovered.”
Alba nods and he pauses in the doorway. “Oh, and Albina—”
“Alba,” I correct.
He glares at us. “Alba, I know that you’ve been going against house rules and having sexual relations with Vitus. And furthermore, that it has been going on for many months. I don’t care who my lanista fucks to release his tensions, but I will not have him falling in love. You will be flogged and sent to live with my brother. Marcus has shown great interest in putting you to work in the privacy of his own villa.” He sneers and my stomach recoils, threatening to empty again.
“Husband, I implore you. Alba is my best maid—”
“Find another.”
“But… but only last week she confided in me that Vitus has lost interest in her,” I lie, calling after him. “Their relationship is no threat to his work.”
“It is done. Marcus will collect her once she’s finished nursing you back to health.”
And then he’s gone.
Alba’s wild eyes flit from me to the floor. Her hand has gone bone white as it grips my leg.
“I’m sorry. I’ll try again. I’ll do whatever I can to change his mind.”
“I’m sorry, too,” she whispers, and I curl into myself on the bed.
32
Livia
I sleep. And sleep.
Days pass and I don’t move from my room.
I can’t face him. How can I? How could I look upon those beautiful blue eyes, upon that body that seemed built only for me, and not break apart into a thousand pieces?
He wouldn’t be able to refuse the order from his Dominus. If he did, he would only be executed anyway, but with extra shame and dishonour. Felix would find a way to strip him of everything he held dear, his pride, his honour… he would make him suffer.
To surrender in battle is shameful. Weak.
To die at the hands of a better opponent, going down fighting – that is the glory they all hope to achieve when their time is up.
But to die because you have been told to fail. To deliberately fall and allow a weaker man to kill you. This would be the worst end imaginable to a warrior like Cassian.
In fact, I realise that he would rather take whatever else Felix would throw at him. He’d square his shoulders and endure it. Anything but that hideous, weak death.
Death.
I heave, but nothing comes up because I’ve not eaten for days.
I can’t lose him.
I can’t.
I won’t let him go.
33
Cassian
She stumbles across the courtyard. An apparition. Her flaming hair burning brightly in the sunlight against her ashen skin. Her face is gaunt. Sunken.
Tears stream down her cheeks.
She knows.
Her legs begin to buckle and she looks like she’ll collapse.
I run to her, ignoring the shouts from Vitus, and scoop her into my arms.
Let them all see. I’m beyond caring. If I am to die anyway, then what does it matter?
It matters for her sake, you fool! You don’t have to sentence her to death along with yourself.
But I can’t stop myself. I can’t hold back the kiss that I plant on her cheek, tasting the salt from her tears.
Vitus is yelling at me like a deranged imbecile. They all are. They all yell and swear and gesture for me to put her down.
But I don’t. I kiss her lips this time and she whimpers.
Then I carry her into my cell and hold her tight.
Fuck this.
Fuck them all.
34
Cassian
“You’ve lost your mind,” she giggles. Delirious. When did she last eat?
I brush a strand of hair from her sticky cheek. “I lost it a long time ago, Domina.”
She laughs loud and free. Then a sob breaks through and she cries into my shoulder. I hold her until she has no more tears left.
“This is all my fault.” Her voice is barely more than a whisper.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t Aelia tell Felix what I did that night in your cell?”
“There would have been no honour in that. She stood nothing to gain from betraying you. He’d have killed her regardless.”
“She wasn’t a gladiator, what did she know of dying with honour?”
A wisp of anger curls through my fists. “Honour is not something only reserved for us! If a supposed savage can die with that grace, then should everyone else not be able to manage the same?”
Her head bows. I could teach her so much, if only she would open the doors wide enough to let me in.
But she did this. I want her to suffer. Then a heartbeat later, I want to take every bit of suffering she has ever endured and erase it. I will take her pain for her. I am her gladiator. I will die for her. Willingly.
“When is the fight?” she asks, as if reading my mind, and a piece of my soul breaks away.
“Tomorrow.”
Her answering wail has me clamping her into my chest to reduce the noise. I don’t wait for her to finish this time. Instead, I place a finger under her chin and lift her face
to mine. Then I run my tongue along her bottom lip, and kiss her through the tears.
There are no more words to say. There are none that can make a difference now. We both knew this couldn’t last forever.
And so we don’t speak. But we kiss, and we kiss, and when our lips are too swollen for any more, I remove her tunic and worship her body. I don’t miss a single bit of her. Every exquisite part of her soft skin receives kisses and licks, until she rolls us over and offers me the same.
Hours pass in this way before I finally give in and slide myself inside her. The explosion of relief shatters us both. She cries again and I stare deep into her eyes, rocking slowly back and forth.
We make love right through the night and into the dawn.
35
Livia
Vitus can’t look at me, even when I command him to. None of them can.
They all know the fate that awaits Cassian today, and they all bear the shame and grief with him. Their sad eyes track the Champion as he chooses his armour and readies himself. I can’t bear the tension any longer. I will suffocate. I can barely even stand…
Marcus arrives through the gates and marches onto the courtyard with a bounce in his step, looping an arm through mine.
“Livia!” he delights. “Felix has asked me to escort you to the games. I trust you’re not sick any longer?” He casts a backward glance at Cassian and for a moment I wish that the gladiator would just do it. Let him strike Marcus down right now.
But he doesn’t. And my balance falters again. I can’t go. I can’t go and watch this…
