by Scott, Shae
"Thanks. It's the first time I've had on real clothes in ages," I admit. He scrunches his eyes confused and I shrug. "Something besides yoga pants or ratty jeans and t-shirts," I explain.
"Ah, well, you pull off yoga pants beautifully," he says easily. It's a compliment that makes my heart do a small flip, even though I know it isn't meant to.
We pull into the parking lot of the old diner a few minutes later. It's fairly busy, being a Friday night. I can see some of the local high school kids gathered around pickup trucks and it has me remembering days gone by. Watching them all laughing, carefree and easy, has me longing for those days. Before things got complicated, before I lost control of everything.
"Are you ready to go in?" Cole asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
"Yes.”
"I'll grab your door," he says as he opens his own and climbs out of the cab. I smile at the familiar gesture as he rounds the front of the truck and opens my door for me. He offers me his hand and helps me with the jump to the ground.
"Thank you," I smile. He responds with a wink and we head towards the door of the restaurant.
Once we are settled at a booth towards the back, I relax a little more. The familiarity of the diner is good. It's strange, but somehow it helps me feel like I belong, which isn't something I had expected. From my vantage point I can see the entire restaurant. It's full of high school kids and families and everyone seems to know each other. It reminds me of why everyone always loved coming here. It was a gathering place for everyone. That was one of the best things about growing up in Darling. No matter where you were, there was always a friend or a neighbor nearby. Someone to talk to, someone who knew you. When I was younger I thought it was annoying, to have everyone in your business all the time. Then, I went away and learned what loneliness felt like.
"It feels the same," I say.
"Yeah. Just different kids," he agrees.
The waitress comes to our table to take our drink orders. She's a cute teenager, bubbly and friendly. Her t-shirt has the name Brandy embroidered across the corner. I order a sweet tea and Cole asks for a soda. When she leaves us with our menus I glance over it and realize it's the same menu I long ago memorized.
"Exactly the same," he smiles when my gaze finds his.
"I like it," I admit.
"Good. I was hoping you would," he says.
Brandy comes back and takes our order. It's like living in a time warp when we order the same thing we ordered when we came here together as kids. Cheeseburgers for each of us, an order of fries and some of Eddie's famous fried pickles to share.
Cole leans back against the red vinyl of the booth and watches me with curious amusement. "This is fun. Being here with you," he admits.
"Almost like old times," I agree.
"Except without a curfew," he teases.
I roll my eyes, "Like either of us ever had a curfew." Our parents had both been very lax when it came to Cole and me. We were good kids and I guess, because of that, they trusted us.
"True. Made for some really great nights . . . And some nice mornings too." His eyes catch mine and I see the memory flash across his face before he clears his throat and looks away. I feel my cheeks heat at his suggestion and my own mind drifts back to the times we spent together.
Sitting across from him now I'm struck with the oddity of Cole the boy in my memory vs Cole the man. He's still the guy I loved back then, but he's more now. He's stronger, more confident. He's solid, not just in the muscle that covers his tall body, but also in his demeanor. It's like he owns all of the space around him. He dominates it. Not in a domineering way, it's more of a quiet command, like the charisma that drew me to him as a teenager has simply aged into something more. Something deeper, something stronger. His pull is greater, his presence larger and it overtakes me when I least expect it.
He looks back at me and smiles and I realize that I've been staring at him. Lost in recollections and observation. "So, you never told me, are you going to start teaching again now that you're here?" he asks taking a sip of his water. I tense up instantly and have to remind myself to relax.
"I didn't teach," I say. I watch as his head tilts and his brows furrow at my admission.
"Really? But I thought you were doing elementary education. You always wanted to do that. I just assumed that you'd been teaching since you left school."
I shrug, embarrassed. I hate to admit it. I never thought I'd be one of those girls who gave up her career for a husband. I'd always looked forward to teaching. I always thought I'd be good at it. Gabe said he'd rather I raise our kids than work for pennies to raise someone else's. At the time I'd convinced myself that it was his way of saying he wanted to start a family. Now I realize it was just an asshole thing to say. And one more way he ended up controlling my life.
“No. It didn't work out that way. I got my degree and my certificate, but Gabe wanted me to stay home. He traveled a lot for work and wanted me available to go with him. So I just put it on hold."
He looks surprised. "Well, that's a shame. But at least you got to travel, right?"
I give him a weak smile. "Some. At first," I say. His jaw clenches and I know he wants to ask more but he doesn't. And because he doesn't want me to be sad, he changes the subject to something easy. I appreciate it more than he knows. I don't want to think about Gabe tonight. I don't want to think about the life I left behind or worry about the one I'm trying to make for myself. I just want to enjoy being here in this diner with my old friend, eating greasy cheeseburgers and people watching.
Brandy brings us our food and we put the fries and the pickles in the center of the table and dig in. The familiarity is so comforting that I find myself smiling genuinely as Cole relays stories about our old classmates. He still hangs out with a few of the same guys and just like it is in a small town, he seems to know where everyone ended up.
He rattles on, telling me a story about his friend, Matt, who despite how charming he thinks he is, has absolutely zero game when it comes to the ladies. He assures me it’s hilarious to watch. From the way he’s laughing, I believe him. I’m so engrossed in his story that I barely even register the three women who have approached our table. It takes me a moment to realize who it is. I haven't seen any of them since I left for school.
"Emery!" The girl standing in front says with a giant smile. Her eyes are wide and I swear she might break into a cheer at any moment.
"Annie?" I ask, taking her in.
"God you look good," she gushes as she moves to slide into the booth beside me. Annie was one of my best friends growing up. We cheered together, got ready for school dances and talked boys. I glance up and see that the rest of my high school crew is standing at the foot of the table giving me the same big smiles. Jessica and Kelsey hang back a bit as if waiting on my reaction to take their cue. Annie doesn't care, she's pushing her way in no matter how I feel about it.
"Wow, hey guys," I manage taking them all in. It's amazing to see them. These girls were part of my family for so long, but seeing them now I feel a little bit like a fraud. It's the constant tug of war that I have felt since coming home. Balancing who I am now with who everyone expects me to be.
Cole and Dad are the only two people I don't feel like I have to put on a show for. I feel the nerves start to bubble up in my stomach as Annie rattles on about how excited she is that I'm back in town and she can't wait to hang out and catch up on everything. My gaze flicks to Cole and while he is smiling, I can tell he senses my unease.
"Annie - Take it down a notch and give her some breathing room," he says easily.
Annie laughs, her long blond hair falling over her shoulders as she leans against me. "Sorry. I just got excited. I've missed you, Em. I have. It's just so good to see your face again."
"Yeah, it's good to have you home," Jessica chimes in.
"Thanks," I smile.
Annie leans in and surprises me with a hug. She's always been that girl who hugs you goodbye, tells you she loves you and e
ssentially has your back in any situation. I realize that I've missed her and I'm thankful that none of them appear to hold any grudge over my disappearing act or lack of communication. "Let's get together and have lunch or something soon. We can go into the city or just hang out at home, either way, it doesn't matter." She pulls out her phone and smiles, "Do you have a new number?"
"Oh, um, yeah, I guess I do," I say. Jessica and Kelsey both pull out their phones, too, and get ready to type in my number. I hesitate for a second, knowing that by giving them all my number I'm giving them access back into my life. I'm not sure why that feels so big, but it does. I swallow the unease and relay the digits. Cole gives me an approving nod, like he's proud of me. I feel like an adolescent, or at the very least, some lost soul who has been wandering around aimlessly for years and is now trying to acclimate back into the real world.
"Awesome, I'll call you this week and we'll set something up. It was so good to see you. We'll let you get back to your dinner," Annie smiles. She gives me one more hug and the three of them grab some take out bags from the counter and head out.
I stare back at Cole feeling a little stunned and overwhelmed.
"She's still a force of nature," he laughs.
I can't help but chuckle at his assessment. "It was good seeing them again.”
"She won't give up until you hang out with her," he says.
He's right. Annie is nothing but determined. Maybe it will be good for me to get to know the girls again. I haven't had many friends since college. The ones that I had drifted away and the new ones that Gabe was always trying to push me towards were so different than me. I didn't like any of them. I'm not even sure I know how to have real friends anymore.
"So what are we doing after this?" I ask, changing the subject before I can fall into a self-examination that will lead nowhere good.
"Why change it up now? Let’s get some shakes and take a drive." His smile is warm and contagious.
"That sounds perfect."
Cole flags Brandy down and orders us each a shake. Vanilla with caramel for him, peanut butter and chocolate for me. Just like always. If you had asked me if I wanted to take this trip down memory lane I would have said no. It would have felt too daunting. But it's been good. I feel lighter. The past that felt so scary to confront is becoming comforting and somehow it’s making the future that I’m so unsure about feel a little less daunting. And for now, that’s as much I could dare ask for.
Cole
I MEANDER THE TOWN in a lazy loop and Emery points out every new addition to the landscape, occasionally asking questions about people from our past and I catch her up on all of the gossip that she has missed. Eventually I end up at the high school. Emery sits a little taller when she realizes where we are.
"It looks smaller than I remember," she says, staring ahead at the large brick building. Even though we live in a small town our school was pretty big since it took in kids from all of the nearby towns. Darling is the last town before you hit the real city. Lately it has become more of a suburb, and now we all live on the edge of the hustle and bustle. A small town without the isolation of a no name place.
I look at the building and try to see it as Emery does now. She's been in the northeast so long I bet everything back here looks dull and insignificant. "Maybe because you remember it from when it was such a big part of your world. You've gone and seen the world now, James. Makes everything look different."
I realize too late I've used her old nickname and I expect her to call me out on it, but she doesn't.
"Maybe," she says thoughtfully.
"You want to get out and walk around?" I ask as I pull into one of the parking spots near the quad of buildings. It's still light out so we can easily navigate the campus.
She thinks for a minute before agreeing. "Yeah, okay."
Shakes in hand we start towards the steps that lead up to the giant front doors. Emery cups her hands against the glass and peers inside to the long darkened hall that leads to the maze of classrooms.
"I kind of wish we could get in," she says as she tries the door.
"We can get around to the courtyard," I suggest. Her eyes light up and she nods. The courtyard is where everyone spent their breaks and lunches. It was the center of everything. I take her hand as we move down the sidewalk and around the building to the huge open square of grass, benches and tables.
Emery finds a table and steps up on the bench to take a seat on the tabletop. I follow her and sit beside her. It's only been six years since we graduated, but it feels like a lifetime. Looking around this empty courtyard I can almost see us as we were then. I can almost hear her laughter or feel her leaned in against me. Life was easy then. There was nothing but hope for the future. No reason to believe that life would be anything less than it was in that moment.
Sitting here now, I realize that she never had it perfect. It was just easy for me to forget because we were so happy together. But even back then she'd seen her share of sadness. Losing her mom at such a young age had been tough on her. I don't think I realized it then, because she never really talked about it. Now, seeing the heaviness in her eyes after Gabe and Nana, I know that she was just really good at hiding the pain. I think she’s hidden it all away for so long that there isn't room to hide it anymore. It keeps bubbling to the surface.
"How's your shake?" I ask her as she sips from the plain white Styrofoam cup.
"I forgot how good these are," she says, taking a long drink. "You can't find these up north and if you do they don't have the clumps of actual peanut butter like this. So good."
I smile at the enjoyment on her face, her easy smile. It makes me feel like I've done something good.
"I can't get over this place," she says.
"You could teach here, ya know. How crazy would that be?"
She shrugs, "Maybe. I don't know. I'm thinking about it. I always wanted to teach younger kids, but it might be fun to teach English too." She sounds thoughtful and it's as if I can hear her rebuilding her dreams.
"You should. At least look into it. You'd be a great teacher. I always knew that."
"You think so?" she asks, sounding unsure of herself.
"Of course. Don't you remember how it was with the kids at the learning center? They loved you and you made a real difference," I point out. She smiles at the memory. She tutored at the learning center twice a week for years and made connections with those kids. They wanted to do better for her, she made them want to be better for themselves. She needs to remember that. Teaching is something that Emery was made to do.
"I did really love it," she admits.
"Don't let go of the dream. If you want to do it, then go for it," I urge.
She's quiet for a moment. "We'll see."
I let it go, satisfied that the idea is in her head and that she'll at least give it some serious thought.
We sit in comfortable silence, so comfortable that I'm startled when she finally speaks again. "Thanks for convincing me to come out tonight. I needed it. I needed to get out of the house. I’ve had fun. It's been a long time since I've had fun."
I bump her shoulder with mine. "Oh, Em, I have all kinds of fun up my sleeve. You just wait," I tease.
"One step at a time. I can't go getting crazy," she laughs.
Emery
THE NIGHT OUT WITH Cole was good for me. I’m feeling the effects days later. I'm feeling better about my future here and even considering contacting the school board about getting certified here in Oklahoma. It won't hurt to take the test and be ready should an opening become available.
Cole is right, I shouldn't give up on my dreams. I shouldn't have given up on them so quickly when Gabe asked me to. I should have held on to them. I should have held on to me.
The truth of the matter is I'm getting bored sitting at home. Gabe didn't like the idea of me working, but it was always something I wanted to do. He liked having me available to him at a moment's notice. Not that he ever really needed me for anything. Or wanted m
e around most of the time. But, I kept myself busy running the house and making sure things were tended to, trying to make myself necessary. Everything I did before had centered around him and now that he’s gone I realize just how little I have to occupy my time.
Maybe I'll ask Dad if I can help out with the business. Surely he's got some files that need sorting or invoices to be run. Even if I could help out a few hours a day it would keep me from going so stir crazy. It would keep my brain from drifting to places it shouldn’t go. I need to keep myself busy.
Of course, if I work for Dad I'll see Cole more. I already see him nearly every night. His visits rarely even center on him fixing things anymore. He just comes over to hang out. Sometimes he just stays for a little bit, checking up on me or visiting about the day. Other days he stays for dinner and nearly falls asleep on my couch watching random TV.
I like his company.
More than I should.
I don’t know what it means and I’m not sure I’m ready to examine it.
I only know that I like it better when he’s around.
It’s confusing.
Sometimes it feels like I'm on hiatus from my real life, the one back in Connecticut with Gabe. It's easier to pretend like he's not gone. Or worse, that he was never real to begin with. If I block him out, block out the truth of his death and our failing marriage, then I can breathe a little easier. . .if only for a moment.
I know I’m avoiding the truth, but for now, it feels necessary. I need to feel what it is like to live in this new world. I need to heal in my own time and in my own way and this is what feels bearable. I don't have the strength to examine whether or not that is healthy.
I glance at the clock and realize that it's nearly time for Cole to arrive. The thought has my heart strumming in my chest. I shove the reaction to the back of the mental closet to deal with later and scold myself for being inappropriate.
