by Scott, Shae
AFTER WORKING WITH DAD most of the morning we decide to go to lunch. Dad never takes time to go to lunch during the week. If I asked him he'd usually just grumble and say there was too much to do. But today he suggested it and so there was no way I was going to refuse.
My dad is probably the best man I've ever known. It's a shame I never appreciated that before. I guess I'm lucky to have recognized it now, before it's too late. I'm starting to grow used to having him around all the time and I'm surprised how good it feels, how easy. We're doing our best to make up for lost time.
"You're really getting the hang of everything at the office," Dad says as he sips some sweet tea.
"Have you forgotten how smart I am?" I tease him.
He laughs, "Apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, Sweetheart."
"Good thing we're humble," I point out.
"Good thing," he agrees with a chuckle.
As we dig into our sandwiches Dad asks, "So, are you liking working at the office? You're pretty much the only lady there. We aren't too gross or crude for you are we?" he smiles.
"I really like it, Dad. It's good for me to get out of the house and it feels good to be productive. The guys are all very nice." Fact is, a lot of them have been with Dad for years and some of them watched me grow up so they all look after me like their kid sister. The rest of them know I'm the boss's daughter so they are on their best behavior.
"Good. I think Cole might have given them all a speech to treat you like a lady," Dad grins, waiting for my reaction.
"What?" I ask, my eyes widening at the thought.
"He's pretty protective of you. I'm sure you've noticed."
I shrug, trying to play it off. "He's been a really good friend to me."
"Hmmm," he mutters.
"What? What's with the hmmm?"
"Nothing. Just an innocent hmmm," he smiles.
I don't push for an answer because I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for it anyway.
"We're going out with some of Cole's friends tonight. Well, they used to be our friends I guess, but I haven't seen most of them in years. I'm kind of nervous about it," I admit.
"Don't be nervous, Emery. It's all pretty much the same as it was when you left."
But it's not. It's not the same at all. Even the pieces that are the same have different edges to them, changed just enough that I can no longer fit them into their proper places.
"I guess," I say noncommittally.
"Don't put too much pressure on yourself, Sweetheart. Just take it day by day and eventually it will get easier. Eventually it all starts to feel normal."
I study him, his words hitting my heart and squeezing it tight. My Dad and I have a lot in common, I realize. He's spent years keeping his pain all to himself too.
"Thanks, Daddy. I couldn't have done any of this without you," I admit softly.
This brings a soft smile to his lips and he gives me a quick nod.
"Always, baby girl."
Cole
I CAN’T HELP BUT feel pretty smug and happy that Emery decided to come out tonight. Not just with me, but with everyone from our past. She's hung out with the girls, but this is the first time she's been out with everyone. She's throwing herself into her past and so far she's wearing a smile as she does it. I can tell she's nervous, but there is something about her that's changing right before my eyes. There is a spark flickering just beneath the surface, waiting to ignite. It's as if that scrappy side of her is starting to wake up again and I love watching it happen.
We roll up to the lake shore where everyone has already gathered. I can see the fire roaring in the built in fire pit, surrounded by a circle of a dozen lawn chairs. The faces belong to people we grew up with and I'm not sure if that makes it easier on Emery or worse.
I pull out a couple of chairs and the cooler that I brought out of the bed of the truck and give her an encouraging smile. "Ready?" I ask.
She nods bravely. I take her hand as we walk up to the crowd. She squeezes it tightly with her tiny fingers which confirms her nerves. But she's still wearing a warm smile and a brave face.
Everyone greets us excitedly. Annie comes up and gives us both a hug and half of them follow coming to greet Emery excitedly. I leave my hand on the small of her back as she hugs and greets everyone. I want her to know I'm still right here. Like that small touch can give her some kind of strength or courage. It makes me feel better at least.
After the barrage of hellos and we've missed yous I set up our chairs in the circle and open the cooler, offering a beer to Emery. She smiles as she takes it and I don't miss the deep breath she seems to sneak in. I hope this isn't too much for her.
"Emery, I love that top. It's so pretty," Jessica says.
"Oh, thanks," Emery smiles back. I can almost see the thoughts whirling around in her head. She almost looks dizzy. I place a hand on her knee and run my thumb across her bare skin in an effort to calm her down.
It seems to work. I see her body start to relax a little and when Kelsey gets up and comes and sits on the cooler beside us to chat she genuinely seems happy to see her. I let the girls talk and join in with the conversations going around us.
This is how it's always been, friends gathered around this fire, talking about nothing and jamming to music. It's one of my favorite things to do. It's home to me.
I glance over at Emery every few minutes to check on her. I can't help but smile at the way she seems to be holding court. A few other girls have joined Kelsey and are sitting around her talking. It is such a scene from the old days that I can't help but smile.
I train an ear to make sure they aren’t asking her any questions that are going to make her uncomfortable. But right now they seem to be talking about nail polish and other stupid girl stuff. I'm not sure, but it seems like Kelsey is keeping an eye on her too.
An hour later and everyone is having a really good time. The fire is glowing bright and Emery has moved her seat closer to mine as she listens to the conversations that mingle among the group.
She's sitting so close that I feel her tense beside me when Charlie pulls out his guitar. In small towns people hold onto habits and traditions and sitting around this fire with Charlie strumming his guitar is pretty standard. Once upon a time, Emery would jump in and sing along. Her haunting voice lifting out into the darkness is still one of my favorite memories.
"Want to sing with me, Em?" Charlie asks. She shakes her head and moves in even closer to me.
"Come on. It will be like old times. I miss hearing you sing." Voices chime in with their agreement.
"I don't want to. I don't sing anymore." Her voice is low and quiet.
"Of course you sing," Annie dismisses her refusal.
Emery lifts her gaze to Annie's and says, "I don't want to."
"You don't have to sing," I assure her. I'm talking to her, but my voice lets everyone around us know that I'm speaking to all of them. I won't have anyone pressuring her. Luckily the conversation moves on when Charlie simply starts to play. I feel her body relax a little knowing that the attention is off of her. I want to take her hand in mine and give it a reassuring squeeze, but I don't think it goes along with our friends agreement. So I simply lean my shoulder against her and give her a wink. She smiles at me shyly and it's enough. We've always been able to speak without words and at times like this I'm glad.
Emery
I'M PRETTY SURE COLE has a list of activities that he's determined to subject me to. Mission get Emery out of the house and living life again seems to be his top priority. I don't mind though. Getting out has been good. Seeing people I used to know, and places I grew up with has been refreshing.
It's funny, change can crash into your life and take you by complete surprise, demanding that you adjust immediately, but most of the time change is much subtler. It's the stuff that happens when you aren't paying attention, when you are too busy doing all of the things that have to be done. It sneaks up on you while you are busy living.
Maybe that's w
hat Cole and Dad knew all along. Because while they were pushing me to get out of the house and making me do things, I was starting to breathe again. The weights on my chest have lightened and I didn't even feel it happening because it didn’t happen all at once.
I'm healing.
I didn't think it could happen. Not like this. Not this fast. It's only been a few months since I came back home, but I feel more like myself than I'd thought possible. I try not to think about the whys. I try not to worry about what that means in terms of my past or use it to judge who I am based on my expectation of what is right. So when Cole told me he was picking me up because he wanted to wander, I happily slipped on my flip flops and met him at the door with an excited smile.
We used to do this all the time when we were dating. We never had to have a destination, we just liked being with each other and would often drive around for hours along back roads. We'd come to the end of one road and we'd flip a coin to decide which direction we'd go next. Those drives are some of my favorite memories. Talking for hours, holding hands and planning our dreams.
"You ready?" he asks me as he bounds up the stairs.
"Yep. I even brought a penny," I smile holding out my palm to show him the shiny copper coin. It was about 5 times the size of a real penny. He'd given it to me years ago and I smile as his eyes light up with surprise.
"You kept it?" he asks taking the penny from my hand and turning it over.
"Of course I kept it," I say. I can tell he's really touched that I have it, that I held on to this part of him, of us, even after I left. "How else am I supposed to figure out where I am going?" I tease.
His eyes lift back to mine and he hands the penny back to me. "As long as it keeps bringing you back to me," he says. My heart pounds and my stomach flips, but I can't respond with words. He lets me off the hook by grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door. I laugh and call out a goodbye to Journey who sits on the stairs watching us.
The sun is beating down as I descend the stairs and make my way to the truck. Cole is right behind me and opens the door before I can. I smile over my shoulder and thank him. I can't help but bounce in my seat a little as he rounds the front of the truck to the driver’s side. Excitement dances in my tummy and we're not even going anywhere special. But today things feel easy. I feel free and it feels so good that I can't help the flutter of anticipation that overtakes me. I look over and catch Cole's wide smile.
"What?" I ask.
"You. I like seeing you this way," he admits as he backs out of my drive.
"I like feeling this way," I say, my voice quiet only because I'm not sure I should admit it out loud. But Cole's smile grows wider and I know that with him I can say anything.
On the way out of town Cole stops at the local Sonic and grabs us a couple of drinks before making his way out to the country roads that surround our town. Away from the city where the landscape is dotted with ranches and wheat fields. Out here houses are acres apart. These roads are perfect for getting lost. As we near a T in the road he looks over at me with a grin. "Flip it," he says.
I grin, grabbing the oversized penny. "Heads right, tails left." I flip the coin and grab it as it falls back to my lap. It lands on heads. "We go right." Cole steers the truck right and I kick my flip flops off and pull my knees to my chest enjoying the scenery as it passes. I have missed this. I breathe in deep trying to soak up the memory of my past and the hope that keeps sneaking into my present.
We ride for hours talking about nothing. We play stupid road games and make up stories about the few people that we happen to see on our drive. When I have to pee he threatens to make me go on the side of the road. "It's either that or you go knock on that farm house and ask them to take pity on you," he shrugs.
"I’m not going to some stranger’s door and asking them if I can use their bathroom," I protest.
"I can stop anywhere you want. There's a nice tree over there," he suggests pointing out into a field ahead.
"Cole Bennett," I warn. He laughs easily. I've peed outside lots of times. I grew up in the Oklahoma country after all, but I'm not feeling especially adventurous today and I know for a fact that there is a service station two miles away. He's teasing me and when he takes the next left without me flipping the penny I know that he's taking me there. I sit back satisfied.
After our pit stop Cole drives on, still not asking me to flip the coin. It's getting late so I wonder if he's done and heading back to town. I hope not. I could stay out here with him indefinitely. I feel so much like myself out here on these back country roads that I don't really want to go back to my quiet, empty house.
"Are we going home?" I ask.
"No. Do you want to go home?"
"No," I admit.
"Good," he smiles. He still doesn't tell me where we're going, but as long as he's not driving home I don't care where he takes me.
It doesn't take me long to figure out where we are headed. He’s taking me to the lake. Perfect. Back in the day we always ended up there. Usually we'd end the night in the back of Cole's truck wrapped up in each other until late in the night. Stargazing was always best right there in the safety of his arms.
The sun is hanging low in the sky as we pull up to a spot just up from the shoreline. This has always been our spot. Away from anyone loading in a boat, away from the swim areas, just a small patch that rarely sees traffic and has always felt like it belonged just to us. I climb out and stare out across the water where the sun seems to light the surface on fire. The way it sparks you'd swear someone had scattered diamonds across the top.
Connecticut never had anything like this. If it did I'd never taken the time to find it. That life feels so far away. Especially today. I don't want to think about any of it right now. I just want to get lost in this moment. In this day. I want to get lost in this part of me that I have uncovered. The part of me that is starting to feel alive.
Cole
SEEING THE DIFFERENCE IN Emery today does something to my heart. It's the spark in her eyes, the way she laughs without worrying if she should. It's like watching her come back to life right in front of my eyes. And the idea that I have had something to do with it, makes me puff out my chest a little. I can't help it, I like knowing that she feels comfortable with me, that I make her feel something she hasn't felt in a long time.
It's been hard to see Emery so down since she came home. It's hard to see the doubt and the questions that she has about every decision she makes. I've done my best to navigate it, to help her, but sometimes I worry I don't do enough.
But days like this, moments where she seems to let go and just live for right now, I know that she's healing. I see the progress and the spark that is coming back. Right now it's just a flicker, but I know I won't stop until she's ablaze.
I watch her now, as she stares out across the water into the setting sun. The orange glow lights her up and I'm so taken with watching her that I almost miss it when she suddenly says, "Let's go in."
I look up in surprise. "You want to swim?" I ask, unable to hide my smile. I watch as she begins to unbutton her shirt, her fingers unfastening each button slowly. She never takes her eyes off of the water. I never take my eyes off of her.
My body tenses, my dick is instantly pressed against the seam of my jeans as I watch her drop the shirt. She's wearing a tight white tank top underneath and it hugs her body in the most delicious way. My mouth is suddenly completely dry
"I do. You going with me?" she asks, finally pulling her focus from the water and planting it on me. I wonder if she can see the dilation of my eyes or hear the way my breathing has picked up. Watching her has me wanting to touch her and just thinking about joining her in the water has me struggling to put a lid on the desire that she makes me feel.
"I didn't bring my swim trunks," I say.
"Neither did I. Never stopped us before," she says.
Before.
My body remembers before. It remembers it like it was right now.
She sl
ides the short denim shorts down her legs and steps out of them. Fuck me. White tank top, hot pink lace panties and I'm done for. I clear my throat trying to play it cool, but all I want to do is grab her and pull her sexy body against mine. She's trying to kill me.
This is not the Emery that came home broken. This is my Emery – fearless and alive.
She must see the struggle on my face, because she gives me a shy smile and then steps towards the water.
"Coming?" she asks.
Nearly.
She's in the water to her knees when I finally shake myself out of my stupor and go to follow her. I shed my shirt and jeans on the way and move to stand beside her. She glances over at me, her gaze moving over my body. It makes me want to touch her even more.
"I haven't done this in a long time," she says. I'm not sure which this she's referring to so I just take her hand and pull her into deeper water.
It's warm, the Oklahoma sun having spent the long summer months heating it through. I try to ignore the fact that her tank top is wet and clinging to her frame. I can see the pink bra underneath and the way her nipples are pressed hard against the fabric. It sparks the fire that always lies in wait when Emery is around. I swallow the urge to pull her to me and kiss her. Swallow the need to run my fingers across the fabric or pull the wet tank top from her body and cover the lace with my mouth. That's what I want to do. My dick twitches in agreement, begging me to take what I want.
"Do you remember when we used to do this?" she asks.
I swallow the groan that wants to erupt from deep in my chest. Of course I remember. I also remember how I'd carry her back to the truck and make love to her under the moonlight. "Yeah," I manage.
She smiles at me, clearly reading the memory on my face. She steps closer to me, sliding her arms around my neck. "We were good together then, weren't we?" she asks.
"We were amazing together," I agree. She smiles again and kisses my cheek before moving away from me. I have to take a moment to find my breath again.
