by Scott, Shae
I know this. But I don't mention it to Emery. I don’t think she’s ready to hear it. Even though when I have her in my arms I know she feels it. That’s enough for me right now. I’ll hold her while she works though through it all.
For now, I'm perfectly happy to live in our private world. It's nice not having to share her with everyone else. I like being her safe place, where she can simply let go and not worry about anything else. Seeing her like that, giving in to the idea of starting over is all I have wanted since she came back to town.
Our bubble is perfect and I don’t take for granted any of the obstacles that we’ve overcome to get here. Our road isn’t over – I know we’ll face things we’ll never predict, but I’m okay with it. Because I know we can face it together. For once, I know she won’t face it alone.
Emery
THE BAR IS DARK and not nearly as busy on a Thursday, but our table is full of the usual suspects. I'm starting to realize that this group is always together. Just like they always have been. I like that they are all still close. It's nice to know that some things really do last and people don't always fade away.
"It's karaoke night?" I ask Cole as we walk in to join everyone.
"Yeah. I totally forgot. Is that okay?" he asks. I smile up at him, loving the way he takes care of me. Just knowing that he'd turn around and walk me out of here in an instant if he thought I was uncomfortable warms me all the way to my toes.
"No, it's fine," I assure him. He's grown so used to me avoiding music and singing, but I've slowly let it back in. And honestly, it feels pretty good. I'd forgotten how healing a song could be until one had snuck up on me a few days before.
I'd been feeling stronger and while I was cleaning I decided that I needed something besides quiet or the chatter of daytime TV. So, I'd plugged in my old iPod and selected a playlist from years before. It was one that I'd listened to before I'd left home and I figured there would be happy memories attached to the old songs. With everything happening between Cole and myself I kind of wanted to get lost in the memories of our past and remember how we used to be.
It was all so innocent and I found myself humming along as I worked, thinking about all of the mischief we'd gotten into as kids and how everything felt before it had all changed. It felt good to feel some of that happiness again. That kind of hope.
But reality always has a way of sneaking up on you. I hadn't expected the song that sent me to the floor. I hadn't expected the haunting words to send me to my knees in a sea of tears while I was still wearing my bright yellow cleaning gloves and holding a bottle of Lysol. But it happened anyway. The words slammed against me and I felt every single one of them like they'd been written just for me. They ripped through me, leaving me paralyzed with no escape.
But then a funny thing happened. As I listened to the lyrics and let them seep into the deepest part of my fractured soul, they started to mend me. Just a little. Even as the lyrics were breaking me apart I slowly started to realize that they were actually putting me back together.
When the song was done and I made it back to my feet I hit repeat and listened to it again. The second time I felt a little bit stronger and then by the third, the words that had cut me started to empower me. I had forgotten the power of words and melody.
I hadn't told Cole about it. I'd kept it to myself. So I think he was surprised when I was so open to staying and listening to people sing drunken songs like they were on American Idol. I give his arm a squeeze when he still looks unsure and he eventually gives in and leads me to the table.
We grab some chairs near the end and the waitress comes to take our order before we are even settled. We each order a beer and join in on the conversation as everyone flips through the books looking for a song to sing.
Currently a tipsy college boy is on stage singing a Luke Bryan song and attempting to grab the attention of the ladies by shaking his ass in Luke Bryan fashion. He's not really pulling it off, but it's amusing and I, for one, am entertained.
Annie stands up next and makes her way to the stage while the group at our table cheers her on. She does a tiny curtsy and blows us all a kiss. I can't help but smile as she does her best version of I Will Survive.
As we watch the different singers go up I start to feel a familiar tug. The pull to stand up and join them. Before I can think better of it I quietly grab one of the books and flip through the pages while everyone chatters around me. I can feel Cole's gaze, but he doesn't ask me anything. I slowly turn the sticky, beer covered pages until I find the song I was looking for. I just wanted to see if it was here. It stares back at me like an offering. A chance to take back some of the control I'd given up, a chance to make some sort of peace with my heart.
My heart starts to pound in my chest, a kick drum that sends a roaring through my ears.
"You gonna sing, Em?" Charlie asks hopefully.
"Shut it, Charlie -" Cole warns. Always my protector.
Charlie starts to apologize, but I stop him.
"I want to sing something," I say suddenly. Everyone's eyes turn to me in surprise. My nerves are mirroring their shock. But this feels right. Like it's one more step in healing. One more piece of the old Emery that I can reclaim.
"You're going to sing?" Cole asks as he leans in close to me. I shiver against the warmth of his breath against my skin. I glance up, meeting his eyes and smile at the pride and nervousness that I see there. "You don't have to do it for them. Just tell them to fuck off."
"I want to. I think it will be good for me to get back up there. At least once. See how it feels," I admit.
He lets out a breath and smiles, "Go get em, James."
"Do you know what song you want?" Annie asks excitedly as she flips through the book of song choices.
"Yeah," I say quietly. I know the song I want to sing. I take the slip of paper and write: Martina McBride - From the Ashes along with the number from the book.
This song – the one that had sent me to the floor of my kitchen kind of feels like my theme song. The lyrics are so real to me; they describe this moment of my life with perfect precision. I'm fighting with every breath to simply rise up from the pain and be better for it. To find myself and be okay with whomever that turns out to be.
When Dan calls my name it feels like someone else takes over my body and walks me to the stage. I hand him the slip of paper and take my place behind the microphone. I take a moment to take in the crowd of people gathered. Most of them are familiar, people who knew me. Or thought they knew me. I'm wondering if any of us ever did.
A quick glance at Cole shows me he's as nervous as I am, but somehow his steady gaze calms me. When he's on my side I feel like I can handle anything. I should have never given that up.
I take a deep breath, feeling the need to say something before I start. "I haven't really done much singing lately, so bear with me. I'm actually really nervous," I admit. I hear Annie let out an encouraging whoop. "I know a lot of you know my story. At least the highlights. I have to say, it's been pretty dark lately. But for the first time in a long time, I feel like there is hope on the other side. That's something I'd forgotten."
The music begins and I shut my eyes, shut out the rest of the people in this bar and feel every lyric, every note and let in every emotion --something that has always scared me. I let them wash over me. I forget everyone else in the bar. It's just me and the words and the melody and I take in the moment and I sing.
Cole
MY HEART IS RACING AS she takes the stage. I'm more nervous than she is. She's done this a hundred times, but something about this moment feels different. Not only because she hasn't done it in so long, but because when she stood up to take the stage she was shaking. I felt her trembling and it makes me want to rush the stage and wrap her up in my arms.
But she looks so Goddamned fierce up there right now. Standing in the shadows with her eyes closed, I'm completely frozen watching her. As the music starts I lean forward wanting to be closer.
I don't recognize the song i
mmediately, but I don't need to. The lyrics are completely haunting and so true to Emery that it feels like my heart is being ripped away from the walls of my chest. It's a physical ache and yet it feels so necessary for her to have this moment. I'm so proud of her.
She keeps her eyes closed the entire time and even as tears start to stream down her face in silent surrender she keeps going. Even as her voice cracks and her fists clench at her sides, she keeps going. And when she reaches the end and her voice cracks and I'm sure she's going to crumble right to the floor, she straightens her stance, takes a breath and opens her eyes. It's only then that I realize that my own eyes are filled with tears. I imagine that if I were to look around to those around me they would all be the same, but I can't take my eyes from her.
She's beautiful. Strong. Vulnerable. She is completely perfect.
As she steps down from the stage I stand to meet her. I don't think, my emotions are too strong to do anything but what I do next. My hands find her face and I pull her to me in a kiss. I pour out every unspoken word into that kiss. I expect her to hesitate, but she kisses me back and I forget where we are. I forget that we are surrounded by our friends in this crowded bar. I forget everything but us. So much for secrets. I love this girl and I can't go another second without everyone knowing it.
I hear the cheers erupt around us and feel Emery's smile against my lips. I pull back just enough to see her eyes. "You were amazing," I say softly.
"It felt good," she admits. I kiss her again, a soft kiss. I wonder if she can feel the pounding in my chest. I'm so in love with this girl that I can barely keep it in. I'm so proud of her that it feels like the emotions are going to burst from my chest like light from a care bear. It's intense and over the top cheesy, but I feel it in my bones and it's all I can do to hold it back so that I don't completely freak her out. Especially since I just kissed her in public.
She doesn't seem to mind though. She's smiling up at me and her eyes seem clearer than I have seen them and I swear it nearly sends me over the moon again. I want to take her out of here and back home where I can just soak up everything that is Emery and do it without the watchful eyes of anyone else. Because no one else understands this monumental moment. No one else understands what getting up on that stage meant or how far she's come to have this moment and I just want to be selfish and celebrate with her in my arms.
I don't beg her to leave though, not yet. Our friends are chattering around us and praising her song and her voice. I'm squeezing her hand to let her know that I'm amazed at her courage. When we sit down I keep her hand in mine, unable to break the connection between us. Hell, I've already outed us, I'm not going backwards now.
My heart continues to race and I wonder if she's feeling the same rush of emotion and adrenaline. When there's a break in the conversation I lean into her, my mouth against her ear. "I can't wait to take you home. I'm completely in awe of you right now." She turns to me, eyes shining and then places her soft, delicate hand on my cheek.
"Then take me home. You're the only one I want to be with anyway," she says simply. She doesn't have to tell me twice. I lean in and kiss her once and then stand, pulling her to her feet beside me.
"We're headed out guys," I announce.
"What? No!" Annie protests from across the table. "You can't leave now."
"Sorry. I've had enough excitement for one night," Emery says sweetly.
Kelsey stands and rounds the table to give her a hug, leaning in to whisper something in her ear. It makes Emery smile shyly. I love it when she gets that shy smile. Almost as much as I love it when she gives me the sly one she does when she wants me to do all of the things that make her blush.
She owns me. Completely. She always has, but now her hold is beyond anything I thought possible. I had no idea a person could hold you so effortlessly, so completely. Or that I would thrive from such a thing. But here I am, completely hers and praying that she's going to let me hold her just as tight.
I hold her hand on the drive home as she starts to rattle on about the night. "That was fun. I can't believe I did that. I didn't plan it at all," she says.
"What made you decide to do it?" I ask her as we drive through the quiet streets of Darling back to her house.
"It was just some kind of pull. It was like I suddenly needed to go up there. Like I needed to sing those words. It felt therapeutic," she admits.
"You sounded amazing. I've missed hearing you sing."
She smiles over at me, "I've missed it too."
We ride in silence for a bit, each of us lost in our own thoughts. There's something different about her. It's like another piece of her puzzle has clicked into place. One more jagged piece of her heart being smoothed down at the edges, allowing it to fuse back together.
We walk inside together and I don't bother asking if I can stay. I can't leave her tonight. I need to be close to her and fall asleep with her breath against my skin. I lock the door behind us and watch as she kicks her shoes off next to the stairs. It's late, but she seems to still be wired. I feel it, the charge in the air, it fills the space around us as it radiates from her.
"Let's go shower," I suggest.
She ponders the suggestion. Even with all that we've done, she still gets shy sometimes. I love it. I love that I make her nervous. I love it more when the nerves fade away and she let's go of everything. I live for her complexities.
"Good idea," she says finally and she makes her way to the stairs. I follow behind her, my eyes glued to the sway of her hips. She is fluid motion, pure grace and I'm captivated by her at all times.
I sit on the bed and take off my shoes as she strolls into the bathroom and turns on the water. Through the doorway I can see her pull her hair up off the nape of her neck and twist it into a bun on the top of her head. The steam from the water starts to fill the space around her and it's like a wet dream watching her as she slowly slips out of her clothes. She glances out at me and reaches for the shower curtain, "Coming?" she asks sweetly.
You don't have to ask me twice, I strip out of my clothes and follow her quickly. Sometimes I have the best ideas ever.
Emery
EVERYONE TELLS YOU that healing takes time. That even the impossible becomes possible with the passage of minutes, hours, days. At the beginning they sound like empty words. Promises that people give to make it easier on them, like if they believe that you'll be better then they don't have to feel guilty when they fade away and start living their own lives again.
And I guess they are right. I mean, I am better. I feel stronger with each passing day. I'm finding myself again, learning who I am in the after. Honestly, I've gone a lot farther than I'd expected to go. I've put in the work and each day I feel more like the me I lost.
What they don't tell you is that on the path from impossible to possible there is a lot of confusion. It's that shaky middle ground where you're starting to feel good again, but it doesn't always fit. It's hard to put into words. Maybe it's guilt that comes in or maybe it's that fear that you're just faking the whole change. It’s just a cloud that continues to hang over you, threatening to take away the happiness that you've worked so hard to recapture.
It's where I find myself a lot of times and it's hard to share with the people around you because they are all so happy and relieved that you are finally coming out of the darkness that they don't want to know how unstable your new foundation still is. After all, they've waited a long time to have you back, to see you smile or hear you laugh. If you go backwards, you'll only disappoint them. At least that is how it feels when you are in the cloud. It's a whole new pressure. That constant worry that you won't be able to finish the journey, that you'll slide back into the doubt and the pain.
Healing isn't black and white. It's not as if you wake up one day and you are completely healed. Even in the midst of your new happiness, your new hope, the ugly can pull you down again. It's a journey and I've come to realize that it's a long one. Lucky for me, the people around me are beyond supporti
ve. Cole, Dad. Even the girls have made me feel safe. I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for them.
When I think back about where I was that day when Cole showed up at my door and helped me unpack, I’m amazed at how far I've come. Now that same man is sleeping in my bed and planning a future with me. It brings me so much happiness that I can barely trust it. Since when do people get rewarded for making bad decisions. I've made so many mistakes, how can I deserve someone like him? How can I deserve for it to all work out?
It's a hard place to be - in this transition. The give and take, the push and pull. Past and future both at a tug of war with your heart. No one tells you about this part of the journey. Or how much it can weigh on you. Or how it can rear its ugly head and threaten to send you back to the place you've fought so hard to leave.
THE GIRLS HAVE BEEN texting me like crazy. They are so excited to see that Cole and I are a thing and they make sure that I know that they knew all along. They demand a coffee date where I can tell them all of the details. It's one of those things that pulls me in two directions. The new me wants to gush about her new guy and how perfect he is. The old me wants to hide from the judgment that I have a new guy so soon after the death of my husband. I wonder if I will always feel this guilt. I wonder if it will always feel like I am betraying him somehow.
It's making my head feel chaotic and so I've been avoiding them. I just need a couple of days to process it all. The high from the other night has faded and now I just feel exposed and vulnerable. My roaring strength and determination to take control has faded some. Still, I'm determined to sort through it all and not let it affect my time with Cole tonight. I miss him, which is crazy because it's only been a day since I've seen him. Maybe it's the vulnerability that has me needing his closeness. He's my touchstone and while that fact scares me because it means I need him, it's his presence that calms me.
