by Chuck Kinder
You have lied to me from the first, Jim said.
I never did. You lied to me.
Not me. You must be confusing me with old rotten Ralph again.
You lied about loving me. Just give me my car keys, please.
Who do you think I love, then?
Your first wife, that’s who. Why don’t you just go back to her?
Don’t think I couldn’t.
Well, do it, then. Let her finish raising you. At least you liked to fuck her. Just give me the keys to my car, Jim, so that I may leave this place.
You said I should consider this vehicle our car.
That was before.
Before what?
Before I decided to divorce you.
I hope you and Ralph have a long and happy life together.
They heard shouts from inside the house and then the sound of shattering glass. They heard something else glass being smashed, and then Ralph's daughter ran out the kitchen door.
I told them I would, was all Ralph's daughter said as she ran past Jim and Lindsay in the driveway.
Alice Ann said that she and Ralph are trying to have another child, Lindsay said.
Bullshit, Jim said. —Ralph would drown it in the toilet.
Is that what you would do?
What kind of question is that?
You have never loved me. You don’t even like me much, do you? Lindsay said, and grabbed the keys from Jim’s hand. Jim caught her wrist and squeezed, and Lindsay dropped the keys onto the gravel. When Jim bent down to scoop them up, Lindsay took a kick at his hand.
You bitch! Jim said, and grabbed Lindsay by the shoulders.
Is this where you strike me? Lindsay said, and lifted her chin.
I’ve never hit a woman in my life, Jim said, and let her go.
Well, why don’t you simply think of me as merely your soon- to-be second ex-wife, if that makes it easier.
I’d never hit you. You know that.
You hit people. You hurt my wrist.
I didn’t mean to.
You just don’t know your own strength, is that it?
Sometimes I don’t.
We have not made love in over three weeks.
I don’t believe that. Anyway, you know how hard I’ve been working lately.
Over three weeks. It’s the truth. You don’t love me.
What about this morning? Jim said.
You mean our funny-fuck? Well, actually it was simply peachy- keen. But does that mean we won’t make love unless there happens to be a cave nearby?
Cute, Lindsay.
Is our marriage bed too boring?
I didn’t say that.
Oh, I see. So, when I get laid from now on, I’ll just have to setde for getting some foreign substances like sand up my ass. That’s really something to look forward to. A sex life with sand or fog up one’s rear end. And one’s tits turning blue.
I think I best mosey along on down the old trail now, Jim said, and opened the car door.
That is my car, Jim.
Think I’ll mosey back up to Montana and try again, Jim said, and closed and locked the door.
Jim.
Thanks for the memories, ma’am, Jim said, and started the engine.
I bought that car with my own money.
Hey, I’m just borrowing it for a spell. Lighten up, ma’am.
Don’t call me that.
I'll park it in front of your folks’ house, ma’am, Jim said, and rolled up the window. —Happy trails to you, ma'am, Jim mouthed silently through the window.
I'm the one who is really from Montana, Lindsay said, and got down on her knees in the driveway. Lindsay rolled onto her back and scooted with some difficulty partway under the car. Jim turned the engine off and got out of the car. He knelt down beside where Lindsay's legs stuck out.
Okay, Jim said. —Game’s over. Time out. Everybody’s in free. Everybody’s home free.
I am quite happy where I am, thank you.
I’m not going anywhere without you, kiddo.
I don’t trust you any longer.
So how long do you plan to stay under there?
Who knows. Who cares.
You’ll have to speak up. I can hardly hear you under there.
It doesn’t matter.
What?
Nothing matters.
What about all the spiders and bugs under there? Creepy- crawlies getting in your hair.
I don’t care.
The sheriff is on his way, Jim said, and took Lindsay’s foot in his hand. He slipped the sandal off and examined the fine blue veins so near the surface of her skin. —You could find yourself under arrest in a matter of minutes.
For what, may I ask? Please let go of my foot.
I’m not hurting your foot. I like your foot. I love your foot. You have beautiful foots. There are plenty of laws against acting drunk and dopey in public and giving the nosy neighbors an eyeful.
It is not illegal to lie peacefully under one’s own bought-and- paid-for automobile.
You could get arrested for being a bad public joke.
I would consider it protective custody.
Okeydokey, Jim said, and stood up.
No man has ever really loved me. My own father didn’t really love me.
Say what?
In my whole life. Men just like to fuck me.
What was that? Jim said. —About getting fucked.
Never mind.
I couldn’t hear what you said exactly. What did you say exactly about getting fucked?
I said to fucking forget it.
Okeydokey, Jim said. Jim strolled over and picked up a hose coiled at the edge of the driveway by the house. He turned the water on at the spigot.
Last chance to behave like a reasonable adult, Jim said.
I said for you to just fucking forget it.
Okeydokey, Jim said, and adjusted the hose’s nozzle to fine spray.
3
Ralph was sitting at the kitchen table examining what appeared to be a blue-green sandwich in his hands and Alice Ann was sweeping glass shards into a dustpan when Jim came in the kitchen door.
There you are, Alice Ann said. —What do you like on your pizza?
You like anchovies, don’t you? Ralph said.
Sure, I like anchovies, Jim said.
What does your wife like on her pizza? Alice Ann said. She emptied the dustpan full of broken glass into a garbage pail under the sink. The little pyramid’s bent, glassless frame sat in the middle of the kitchen table.
Jesus, but I’m hungry as an old goat, Ralph said. He turned the blue-green sandwich about in his hands, studying it intently. —Let’s get at least one of those pizzas with the works.
How are you guys? Jim said. He pointed at the Band-Aid on Alice Ann’s forehead.
Ralphie Nightingale nursed Momma back to health, Alice Ann said, and smiled, and she touched the Band-Aid with her fingertips.
I could have been a brain surgeon, Ralph said, chuckling, his big, round shoulders shaking.
He even gave the little hurt a little kiss-kiss, Alice Ann said. —A healing lick, lick. Ralph’s got saliva like a dog’s.
You betcha, Ralph said, and sniffed the sandwich.
So everything’s cool? Jim said.
You betcha, Ralph said. —Water over the dam. Let’s get moving on this pizza-pie business. What does Lindsay like?
Where’s your wife? Alice Ann said. She sat down at the kitchen table and began looking through a small wicker basket of envelopes and clippings. —I’ve got a coupon somewhere in this mess for two dollars off a king-size pizza. Where’s your wife?
She’s pouting, Jim said. —She’s all wet, so to speak.
I’ve never been so hungry in my life, Ralph said. He licked at the blue-green sandwich in his hand.
How are you going to phone for pizza without a phone? Jim said.
We have phones coming out our ears around this house, Ralph said. —In the bedroom. In our daughter’s room. In the
boy’s room. We’ve got more phones than you can shake a stick at around here. Our daughter could have used a phone here to call the sheriff. Our drama-queen daughter just likes to run out into the night for effect. Beating on a neighbor’s door in the middle of the night to use the phone is just a lot more dramatic and satisfying and humiliating for her parents.
So what happens when the sheriff shows up? Jim said.
We’ll offer him a piece of pizza like always, Ralph said. —Don’t forget, Alice Ann, he likes mushrooms on his.
Now where did I put those damn coupons? Alice Ann said.
In the first place, Ralph said, I seriously doubt that any of the neighbors will open their doors to our daughter. In the second place, the sheriff didn’t even bother to come out the last time, and the time before that, he was two hours getting here. You can’t count on anybody these days.
Here they are, Alice Ann said. —But they’re only for a dollar off each pizza.
Who cares, Ralph said. —Somebody get on the horn.
Oh, Alice Ann said, but if you get two king-size pizzas you get three dollars off.
Get two, Ralph said. —Get four, for God’s sake! There’s not a morsel of food in this entire house.
Eat your green sandwich, Jim said.
Sure, Ralph said, and waved the sandwich in the air. —King fucking Tut, remember?
What happened? Jim said, and picked up the pyramid’s bent frame.
It had a little accident, Ralph said. He sniffed the blue-green sandwich again and then nibbled at its crust. —But maybe Alice Ann has something with that pyramid-power business. Somebody better get some pizza here pronto, I’m telling you.
Why don’t you go out and get Lindsay? Alice Ann said. —See what she wants on her pizza.
When Jim stepped though the kitchen door, he was hit square in the face by a blast of water. Jim stood where he was as Lindsay aimed the stream of water up and down him. She circled Jim slowly, hosing him head to foot. Finally Lindsay turned the hose off at its nozzle, and she began to coil it up.
What do you like on your pizza? Jim asked Lindsay.
The Last Straw
1
There's the girl, Alice Ann said when Lindsay came in the kitchen door, followed by Jim.
I hope you like anchovies, Ralph mumbled, talking with his mouth full.
I went ahead and ordered, Alice Ann said. —Ralph was driving me nuts.
I adore anchovies, Lindsay said.
Hey, Ralph said, and waved his half-eaten blue-green sandwich at Jim and Lindsay. —Hey, you guys are all wet.
A sudden cloudburst, Jim said. —We were caught without cover.
You guys are dripping wet, Ralph said. —You really are.
God, what happened? Alice Ann said. —You guys really are dripping wet. You'll catch your death like that. I’ll get you some towels.
Oh, we just felt like singing in the rain, Lindsay said. —It seemed so romantic at the time.
What in the world did happen? Ralph said.
We decided to wash the car, Jim said.
I may take it on a long trip soon, Lindsay said.
Sort of like a getaway, Jim said. —A clean getaway.
Let me get you some dry clothes, Alice Ann said.
Oh, don’t bother, Jim said. —I’ll just drip-dry.
No, you guys need something dry to put on, Alice Ann said.
I wouldn’t wear anything of Ralph’s if you paid me, Jim said.
Let him drip, Lindsay said. —He’s good at it.
I wouldn’t want you in any clothes of mine, Ralph said, and pushed the final bite of blue-green sandwich into his mouth. —I’d have to turn around and burn the things.
Well, big boy, Alice Ann said to Jim, what about some of my things, then?
Got anything that will match my eyes? Jim said.
I’ve got just the cute little number for you, Alice Ann said.
I don’t want anything, you know, too revealing, Jim said.
It’s a little low-cut, but I think you’ll find it suitable. Come on, hon, Alice Ann said, and tugged at Lindsay’s hand. —Let’s get you into something dry right now. You’ll catch your death.
I thought I was safe in this lifetime, Lindsay said, from a death by water.
You are, Alice Ann said. —Trust me about that.
2
Did you actually eat King Tut? Jim said.
It was a desperate measure, I’ll admit, Ralph said. —It was either eat King Tut or faint from hunger. You know, maybe Alice Ann has something with this pyramid-power business, after all.
I’ve seen everything now, Jim said. —Old Ralph actually ate King fucken Tut. Your basic pharaoh food.
I did. I admit it. But like I said, there may be something to this pyramid business, after all. I wish I had a little piece of that action. Get into some kind of pyramid franchise. No fooling, Jim. Hey, old Jim, speaking of pyramids, I’ve got a little pyramid of my own in the dining room. A little pyramid of my new books, by golly. Talk about pyramid power! Talk about prosperity!
Is it a franchise? Jim said.
By golly, it is sort of a franchise, Ralph said. —I’ll show it to you when the girls get back. No, come on, let me show it to you now. You’ll want to weep with envy in private.
Don’t forget, Ralph, I’ve already published a book of my own. Big deal.
I know, I know, Ralph said. He took a bottle of vodka from a paper sack on the kitchen table and opened it. He filled two water glasses nearly full and handed one to Jim. —I sure wish we had some ice, Ralph said, and slurped a drink from the glass.
Jesus, Ralph, don’t you at least have some kind of mix? Some juice of some kind? Didn’t the girls get any mix?
Well, let me take a look, Ralph said, and opened the refrigerator. —Nope. There’s none in the bag either. They forgot, I guess. As late as three o’clock this afternoon there was a gallon of fresh orange juice in here. Oh, hey, here’s a taste of prune juice. It’s kind of old. My mom had it here a few months ago when she was trying to move in on us.
Old? Well, that shouldn’t bother you one bit, Ralph. A prune- juice chaser for King Tut. Okay, give me a hit.
Okay, here you go. Okay, now follow me. Just walk this way, please.
Okay, Jim said, and imitated Ralph’s shambling walk down the hallway behind him.
All right, Ralph said, and stopped at the door of the dark dining room. —Now you’ve got to get the picture. You’re walking down the street of a city. Up in San Francisco, say. Or in L.A. Or New York. Some great city. And you come upon this bookstore. A huge bookstore. It’s unlike any other bookstore you’ve seen in your lifetime. With great shining windows.
