by Chuck Kinder
He was a shadow in the doorway for a moment, then closed the door behind him and walked slowly across the room to bed.
Say Uncle
1
Lindsay awoke to loud voices. For a moment she lay there with her eyes shut, Jim’s big arm resting across her bare stomach. He was sound asleep. Lindsay reached beneath the covers to reposition Sappho, who was nestled between her legs, and Sappho gave an annoyed nip to one of her fingers. She blinked open her eyes and looked at the glowing alarm clock on the table beside the bed: 3:23. The voices were coming from the kitchen. Lindsay slid from beneath Jim’s arm and slipped into jeans and a sweater in the dark.
Alice Ann and Ralph were sitting at the kitchen table in the dim light of the little black-and-white television on the counter. When Lindsay clicked on the overhead light, they both turned to look at her. Alice Ann stood up and swirled around. She was wearing a long, lovely, full-flowing white dress, that billowed about her as she spun around. It had long sleeves and a brocade front with mother-of-pearl buttons.
Oh, hon, Lindsay said, that is absolutely gorgeous.
It’s my second-honeymoon dress, Alice Ann said. —I paid an arm and a leg for this thing, God knows. I got it especially for our second-honeymoon trip.
That’s what we’re having a litde discussion about, Ralph said. —Just what constitutes an arm and a leg.
I was going to save it for later, Alice Ann said. —I think I’ve already told you, I made Ralph and me reservations at a really fancy hotel in Seattle, and I thought I’d make Ralph take me out dancing wearing this. In one of those fancy rooftop-restaurant nightclubs overlooking the romantic lights of the city. And if I can’t get Ralph out on the dance floor, I’ll dance the night away with strangers, if it comes to that.
I love Seattle, Lindsay said. —And your hair. Your hair looks terrific, hon.
How much did that dress cost? Ralph said. —Tell me.
You look ravishing, Lindsay said. —You look breathtaking, really. You look as lovely as a bride.
A blushing bride? Alice Ann said. —Does it make me look young and innocent? Ralph, does it?
You bet, Ralph said. —You look real pretty. You do. How much did it cost, really?
What’s up? Jim said as he strolled into the kitchen. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt and his cowboy boots. —Is it time for breakfast or something? What time is it, anyway?
Come on, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —Dance with me. Let’s dance and think about it later. Let’s dance with utter abandon. Let’s be abandoned like in the old days, Ralph.
You know I have two left feet, Ralph said. —I’d stomp on your foot, and then you’d bop me one, and then where would we be. Lefts and rights. We better leave well enough alone, is my best thought on this matter.
Goddamn it, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —Get up off your fat ass and dance with your wife. If you love me, you’ll get up and dance. If you don’t love me, then you won’t. End of story.
It’s been a real long day, Lindsay said. —Maybe we should all just retire for the rest of the night, get some shut-eye.
Hey, Jim said, I’ve got a bright idea. I got you guys some stuff for your second-honeymoon trip, a sort of surprise package that I was going to give you to take along and open up later. But, hey, why wait?
Jim, honey, Lindsay said, I don’t think it’s such a good idea for tonight. Or this morning, I should say. Everybody is dead tired and a mite strung-out. It’s been a long, stressful day.
It’ll be fun, Jim said. —It’ll be a riot. I’m wide awake now.
I’ve had about all the fun for one day I can handle, Lindsay said.
A surprise package you say? Ralph said.
It’ll be a million laughs, Jim said and headed back toward the door. —I’ve got it stashed in the bedroom. Nobody move, Jim said, and hurried from the room. When he returned in a blink, he placed a paper bag whose top was tied with a pink bow in the center of the table.
They’re just some gag gifts, Jim said. —They’ll be a hoot.
I really think we ought to wait until morning, Lindsay said.
Oh, Lindsay, Jim said, don’t be such a spoilsport, baby. So, here you go, folks, one honeymooners’ deluxe package of delightful items to be utilized for debauchery and decadence and just plain old dirty sex. I took a bus all the way down to the sleazy Tenderloin to shop for these sinful little items. Well, go on, old Ralph. Open it up, boy.
This isn’t one of your tricks, is it, old Jim? Ralph said. —Nothing is going to, you know, spring out at me and explode or something, is it? A trick like that could, you know, put a person’s eye out.
Here, for God’s sake, Jim said, and opened the package. —Here, Ralph, here’s something I got just for you. Something you’ve always needed from what I hear, Jim said, and handed Ralph a small blue jar.
What’s this? Ralph said, and held the jar up to read its label. —Doctor Dick, Ralph read, and laughed, his big shoulders shaking. —Doctor Dick, the ultimate prolong lotion.
Just rub some of that blue stuff on your dick, Ralph, and your problems are over, Jim said. —No more humiliation and heartbreak in the droopy-dick department, old Ralph. And here, Jim said, rummaging in the sack, some Kamasutra Nipple Nectar. Listen to this: “Let him taste the sweet, full fruit of your ripe breasts. As soon as this invisible drip of pure pleasure meets his lips, he will kiss, nibble, lick, and suck you like a hungry child.”
Chinese Nympho Clitoral Cream, Ralph read from a clear glass jar full of purple fluid, and laughed. —Now this is a little item you aren’t going to find on every store’s shelf.
Wild Cherry-Flavored Peter Licker, Alice Ann read from a label on a red jar. —A sucker’s delight, it says here. Yum, yum. I certainly wish I had had this tawdry treasure last night, when it might have come in handy.
What does that mean, anyway, Alice Ann? Ralph said.
Oh, Ralph, just wake up and smell the coffee, Alice Ann said. —But what’s done is done, don’t you agree?
What does that mean, anyway? Ralph said. —Why do you always have to talk in riddles?
So you’ll just have to learn to live with what’s over and done, just like I’ve had to do, Ralph, Alice Ann said. She picked up a tube and read from its label: “Lovers’ Lubricant, delicious, cinnamon- flavored, fragrant, slippery, wet, and wild.”
Hey, Jim said, this is all gag stuff. This was supposed to be a joke. Lindsay, do we have any Alka-Seltzer? I feel pukey and have this godawful taste in my mouth.
In the old days these tawdry items would have been worthless to Ralph and me, Alice Ann said. —Except for a cheap laugh. In the old days Ralph and I never had any difficulty in the fucking- each-other’s-brains-out department. Even the tawdry fact that he was fucking you, Lindsay, didn’t reflect upon our own wildly satisfying sex. All it reflected upon was Ralph’s tawdry penchant for betrayal. Ralph has always felt perfectly comfortable with betrayal. Ralph has always had no conscience when it came to his pathetic, little leaning tower of penis.
Hon, please, Lindsay said.
You just had to start up, didn’t you, Alice Ann! Ralph said.
Listen, Lindsay said, let’s all call it a night.
Ralph was once my everything, Alice Ann said. —Just like the song says. I can actually remember when I was a person who had some pride. When I felt my life had some direction and meaning. But then Ralph went outside the marriage, and that meant that I was not good enough for him except in the wild abandoned sex department. We never needed any of this sort of tawdry crap in order to fuck each other’s brains out, did we, Ralph? So, okay, Jim, we can, Ralph and I, use all the help we can get. So what about this Kamasutra Nipple Nectar, Lindsay? Do you recommend it? Does it work for you? Does it make Ralph kiss, nibble, lick, and suck you like a hungry child?
Oh, hon, Lindsay said, and reached across the table to put her hand on top of Alice Ann’s. —We all need a good night’s sleep, that’s all.
You’re right, Jim said, and yawned. —I think it’s h
igh time we all hit the old sack.
What I need to figure out, Alice Ann said, is exactly when my husband decided to hate me. I need to know when he decided to turn on me and cause me anguish and humiliation and to expose my pain to the world and then abandon me forever. And all the bitter, hard, sad things about my only marriage, which is the single greatest failure of my lifetime, have been laid bare for the world’s amusement. That tragic rock has been rolled over again and again, and finally anyone I once thought I was or could again become is dead and buried. All my life’s blood has been slowly drained from my body over the long reincarnations of my failed marriage. Well, I’m willing to try anything, Alice Ann said, and began unbuttoning the brocade front of her dress.
Here we go again! Ralph said. —You just have to give everybody another eyeful, right, Alice Ann?
Please, Alice Ann, Lindsay said.
Just shut up! Alice Ann said. She lifted her left breast free from her dress and opened the tiny glass jar of Kamasutra Nipple Nectar and began rubbing fingertips of the purple cream over her nipple. —So, Ralph, what do you think? Hungry? Do you want to kiss and lick and suck my nipple one last time, like the hungry piece-of-shit you have always been?
I think you’ve gone nuts, Ralph said. —That’s my best opinion of that business.
Not doing the trick, huh? Alice Ann said. —Let’s try something else. You love ketchup over everything, right, Ralph? Alice Ann said, and got up from the table and walked over to the refrigerator. She rummaged around inside and then turned and held up a bottle of ketchup. She undid the bottle top and began to methodically splash ketchup up and down the front of her dress.
Don’t, Alice Ann, don’t! Lindsay cried, and jumped up. She threw her arms around Alice Ann and held her for a moment, and then led Alice Ann back to the table. —Hon, your beautiful white dress, Lindsay said, and helped Alice Ann sit down. —We can get that out. We’ll soak it overnight and it will be good as new.
Nothing is ever going to be as good as new or ever innocent again once it’s ruined, Alice Ann said. —Is this enough for one night, Ralph? Will this keep you going for a while?
This has to end, Ralph said, and lit a cigarette. He emptied a bottle of champagne into a glass, half filling it, and tossed it down. —Once and for all, Alice Ann.
My life is over because of you, you miserable, ruthless, cold- hearted sonofabitch, Alice Ann said, and she tossed the nearly empty bottle of ketchup at Ralph’s head. Ralph ducked back just in time, and the bottle smashed against the far wall. Lindsay clinched Alice Ann’s forearms from across the table.
Enough! Lindsay cried. —Alice Ann, enough!
Put a stop to this madness, somebody! Ralph said. —Call the police, somebody. Somebody call them. This woman is crazy. We are dealing with a crazy person here, I’m telling you.
Jim, Lindsay said, Jim, do something.
Me? Jim said. —Why always me? Okay, Alice Ann, you behave yourself. You behave yourself, or you’ll have to go to bed without your breakfast. Hey, what would you guys like for breakfast, anyway? How about a stack of waffles for my crazy friends?
Billy, Alice Ann said, wanted me to be sure to let you know, Ralph, just how guilty he felt about the blow job, and he hoped you wouldn’t hold it against him.
What in the world did you just say, Alice Ann? Ralph said.
Blame me, Ralph, for Billy’s world-class blow job, Alice Ann said. —It was I who insisted on sucking Billy’s enormous boner until his old fat cheeks just about caved in. Now I suggest we put that business behind us and let bygones be bygones. I, for one, will drink to that, Alice Ann said, and picked up a half-filled glass of flat champagne and drank it down. She threw the empty glass at Ralph’s head.
Ralph flinched just in time, taking the glass high on his shoulder. He jumped up from his chair, and Alice Ann shook free from Lindsay’s grasp and jumped up also. Alice Ann grabbed a small knife from the cheeseboard and started around the table for Ralph. Ralph grabbed an empty wine bottle from the table and half swung, half threw it at Alice Ann, hitting her high on the side of her head, where it shattered and rained the room with flying green glass. Jim jumped at Ralph and tried to grab him in a hold as they tumbled over a chair onto the floor. Alice Ann ran from the room down the hallway. Lindsay stood there in the middle of the kitchen, mouth agape, clutching her throat, as she watched Jim and Ralph wrestle around on the floor, cursing, grunting, flailing arms and legs as they knocked over chairs and kicked the kitchen table, bottles, glasses, cups bouncing from it to smash on the floor. Finally they stopped rolling around and lay there, a tangle of arms and legs, gasping for air. Lindsay ran from the room after Alice Ann.
When he finally more or less caught his breath, Jim gasped, Okay, Ralph, have you had enough?
Me? Ralph gasped. —What about you? I’ve got you in a hold.
Are you crazy, Ralph? Jim croaked. —I’ve got you pinned.
That’s news to me.
Just say uncle, Ralph, and I’ll let you up.
You say uncle.
You say it first.
I don’t see why I’m the one who has to say it first, Ralph said.
Okay, goddamn it, Ralph. Let’s just both say it at the same time and get the fuck up off the floor.
Let’s neither of us say it.
All right, Ralph, Jim said, and they both let their grips on each other loose, and they flopped back on the floor wheezing.
Finally, Jim pulled himself to his feet, staggered over to an overturned chair, righted it, and flopped down. Ralph crawled across the floor to another overturned chair, righted it, and pulled himself up.
Are you all right, Ralph? Jim said. —I didn’t hurt you bad, did I? I was trying to go easy on you.
Hurt me? How about you? Did I hurt you is the question.
No, Ralph, you dickhead, you couldn’t hurt me if you tried. The only person you hurt around here was your wife, Ralph. You’ve really done it this time, old boy.
I know, old Jim. God, I know, Ralph said, and buried his face in his hands. —
What have I done, old Jim?
2
Jim saw the first splotch of blood on the runner rug in front of the bathroom door. There was a trail of splattered blood all the way down the staircase, and on the tiles of the entry, where perhaps Alice Ann had paused for a moment, there was a pool with a footprint in it. Out on the sidewalk Jim looked up and down the deserted street. The streetlights were hazy yellow and haloed in the fog, and fog crackled on the wires overhead, and from far off a car horn blared in alarm. The trail of blood led down the hill, and Jim started off in that direction just as he saw Lindsay and Alice Ann turn the corner down at Mason. Lindsay had an arm around Alice Ann’s shoulders and a hand pressed against the side of Alice Ann’s head, and they wove back and forth across the sidewalk as they stumbled up the hill. Jim ran down to them.
She’s bleeding badly, Lindsay said, her voice surprisingly calm and steady. Lindsay took her bloody hand away from the jagged cut on the side of Alice Ann’s head, just above her left ear, and blood bubbled from it. Jim whipped out a handkerchief and pressed it tightly against the cut.
Can you get her on up the hill? Lindsay said.
Yeah.
I’d better nm up and call for help.
Call an ambulance.
Yeah, I’ll call emergency. My God.
Throw some towels or something down the stairs, Jim said.
You’re going to be fine, hon, Lindsay said, and patted Alice Ann on her arm, then ran up the hill.
Jim half-carried Alice Ann up the hill, and then helped her sit down beside him on the front steps. His handkerchief was soaked with blood, and blood ran down his arm and dripped off his elbow. He reached behind them for the pile of towels in the entry at the bottom of the stairs, then pressed one firmly against the cut. Blood spread through the white towel immediately, blossoming red and wet about Jim’s fingers. Alice Ann, who had not said a word, put her head against Jim’s shoulder. Her eyes wer
e wide open and glassy, with a vague, faraway look in them, but her face was perfectly composed, serene even, and there was a slight smile on her pale lips. His fingers slippery with blood, Jim began with great difficulty to button the front of Alice Ann’s dress, which was wet and red with blood.
