by Noël Cades
"See the mountains kiss high heaven,
"And the waves clasp one another"
Miss Wingrove had never thought of the poem as particularly sorrowful before, but spoken by Laura it was unbearably sad.
"And the sunlight clasps the earth,
"And the moonbeams kiss the sea -
"What is all this sweet work worth
"If thou kiss not me?"
Sitting at the back of the hall with the rest of the staff, Grace Grant now felt she knew all she needed to know. Laura of a term ago would never have managed to speak these lines in the way she did now. Grace Grant did not have a background in literature and knew nothing of the context of the poem. But the poignancy, the desolation, the sensuality conveyed were those of a young woman, not a girl.
She didn’t need to look at Mr Rydell - though she did look - to know that his gaze would be transfixed on Laura. The admiration in his eyes, the hunger. Everyone else was watching the stage so Grace Grant was the only one who saw how captivated he was by her. How far had this gone, the housemistress wondered. And how had it happened with no one knowing?
Despite this he was leaving the school. Or perhaps because of it.
* * *
Grace Grant had no concrete proof but nor did she want any because it might force her hand. She did however feel a duty towards Laura as her housemistress.
She summoned Laura to her office with the invitation for a "chat and a cup of tea".
"What does Gi-Gi want with you?" Charlotte asked.
"I have no idea. She sounded quite nice so I don’t think I’m in trouble." Laura hoped she wasn’t in trouble. She couldn’t see why she would be.
"She might be digging about something else," Susie said.
Laura vowed to keep her lips sealed regarding anything that might compromise them, from the midnight feast to Susie’s redirection of Mr Peters’ note.
"I know you won’t say anything, but she might try to catch you out." Susie had been wary of the housemistress since her own interview about Mr Rydell.
Laura knocked and entered the housemistress’s office at the appointed time. She had always really liked the room. It was a calm place.
Grace Grant ushered her to one of the arm chairs by the window. It was where she held her informal, pastoral chats. Her desk was for more serious business.
Sinking onto the green velvet cushions, Laura waited for Miss Grant to speak.
"It’s always a long term, the Autumn term," Grace Grant began. "I expect we’re all looking forward to the holidays."
It was the equivalent to commenting on the weather, Laura thought. Whatever the housemistress wanted to say was clearly a difficult topic to broach. She took a sip of the tea that she had been given.
"You’ve all had quite a lot of excitement this term with some of the St Duncan’s boys, I believe," Miss Grant said.
This was an odd one. Particularly as Laura hadn’t really had any excitement with them at all.
"I know it must be quite exciting seeing older boys, but they do eventually go off to university where there are quite a lot of other distractions."
"Yes, these things don’t always last," Laura said, thinking of Charlotte and Julian and wondering why Miss Grant was saying all this to her.
"I know it’s all very thrilling when someone older than you shows interest. But letting such a relationship influence your life choices now may be something you regret in future," the housemistress said to her. Her eyes were kind but concerned.
At some point Laura realised that Grace Grant wasn’t talking about the St Duncan’s boys at all.
"You girls all have so many exciting years ahead of you. It would be an enormous shame to limit your options too early," Miss Grant said.
Laura didn’t know how Miss Grant had found out. But she realised that the housemistress somehow knew about her and Mr Rydell and was worried for Laura’s sake. Grace Grant saw that Laura also understood what she was really talking about.
"You also have to consider whether the older person is really being fair as well, to put you in such a position," she continued.
"Do you mean like Lucy Martin? I don’t plan for something like that to happen to me," Laura said.
"I’ve always regretted what happened to Lucy," Miss Grant said. "I wish we could have done something more for her. I wish I had been able to prevent her from getting into her situation in the first place. But when something like that happens, a bridge is crossed."
She put down her teacup.
"What do you do with your life outside school is up to you, Laura. Soon you will all be adults and able to make your own choices about everything. But you are such a talented girl with so much promise. It would be very disappointing if you were distracted from realising your potential." Grace Grant looked at her directly, serious and also sad.
"Love is a wonderful thing but it doesn’t always last. You have to think about what you owe to yourself. Don’t close doors when you can leave them open."
32. Farewell
It was the last day of term. There were no lessons that afternoon just packing, clearing up, and getting ready to go home for the holidays.
The four of them were sitting on a bench outside Michaelmas House when Mr Rydell walked past. "Come for a walk with me?" he said to Laura.
She went with him. It was his last ever day at the school and it was too late for either of them to get in trouble for a simple walk. She didn't care what people thought, or that Teresa Hubert was nearby.
There were many raised eyebrows, not least Teresa’s.
"Why is Laura walking with Mr Rydell?" she asked the other three. Her tone was accusing.
Susie shrugged. "They’ve become friends through their shared passion for German."
Teresa was enraged by her flippancy. "It was her I saw that night, wasn’t it? It wasn’t you at all. You lied."
"I have no idea what you think you saw."
"Is she having an affair with him? It’s absolutely disgusting, he’s her teacher. He should be sacked."
"Given it’s his last day today, it won’t be much of a sacking, will it?" Susie gave an infuriating smile. Next to her Charlotte and Margery were also enjoying Teresa’s fury. They had won every battle against Teresa’s faction this term and this was the cherry on the cake.
"She’ll still be in trouble though, when Mrs Grayson finds out."
"Finds out what?" Charlotte asked.
"You know exactly what." Teresa was getting furious at the three of them, sitting there smugly and trying to brush her off.
"Why don’t you go to Grace Grant with your concerns?" Susie said. Laura had told them about her talk with the housemistress. Grace Grant had clearly made a decision not to act even though she knew that something had happened and Susie doubted Teresa’s tattle-tales would influence her.
"I could go straight to Mrs Grayson." They all knew she wouldn’t. All things said and done, Teresa was a coward.
"If you feel it’s serious enough and you have the evidence to support your accusations, then by all means do so." Susie turned from Teresa to signal that the conversation was over, and their enraged but defeated enemy had no choice but to return to her own affairs.
* * *
"I will miss you," he said.
It was a grey December day with a leaden sky, a horrible day for saying goodbyes.
"Miss Grant knows." Seeing him start in shock, Laura hurried to reassure him. "It’s ok, she isn’t going to say anything. She just made it clear that she knows - I’m not sure how - and gave me some pointed advice about boyfriends and being careful not to ruin my life."
"I hope I’m not ruining your life."
"You have transformed it," she told him.
"For better or worse?"
"Better beyond anything." But she knew that being with him had made things better but harder too. She couldn’t shut the door on what she knew now and what she had experienced. It had set her apart from the others, from her peers.
Fr
om her parents too, since there was no way she could tell them about him.
They had reached the place where the path ran past the wasteland area. He turned to her.
"Be careful next term. They never found that vagrant, did they?"
"There was no vagrant to find."
Now he was leaving she figured it was fine to tell him. They both owed Susie so much anyway. She explained about the midnight feast and the close call with Jenkins.
She had been uncertain as to how he might react, but he laughed. "That girl, she’s unbelievable," he said. "I would be worried about her leading you astray, except I’ve already done that."
"I chose, you didn’t lead me," Laura said.
There was a lot to be grateful for when it came to Susie. She had extended endless invitations to Laura to come and stay with her, all with facilitating her relationship with Mr Rydell in mind. Laura might even be going to see her in Italy for a week in January.
She looked up at the black boughs of the copper beeches silhouetted against the winter sky. Would it be warmer in Italy? Just a couple of months ago she had sat under these trees with her friends, still warm in the September sun, innocent of everything she knew now.
She looked at him. The angle of his jaw, the dark hair, his strength. She knew that he was what she wanted and she couldn’t ever imagine a time when he wouldn’t be.
"I could probably kiss you here, right in the open air, and get away with it," he said.
For a wild moment Laura wanted him to kiss her, to declare their feelings openly in front of anyone who might be watching. But the thought of Grace Grant held her back. She had offered unprecedented discretion to Laura, even though she must have felt an obligation to report what she suspected. Out of respect to her, Laura could not be public with him.
"It’s enough that I’ve gone for a walk with you, that will raise enough eyebrows," she said.
"Will you get into trouble for it?" He looked concerned.
"No, just some remarks I expect." Laura wasn’t too worried. Susie and Charlotte would deal with Teresa for her.
They were walking the full circuit of the fields, which would eventually bring them back to Michaelmas House. Every step was a step closer to goodbye. At least for now. She wished she could slow time.
"So I’ll see you in Italy then?" he said.
It sounded so far away in distance and in time. He read her thoughts. "It’s only three weeks away."
"It still seems forever though, compared to seeing you every day here."
"Let’s go this way." He took her on a brief diversion around to where the pavilion was, instead of straight back to Michaelmas House.
"This will really get tongues wagging."
"What they don’t see they can’t know," he said, leading he around the back where they were out of eyesight. Laura felt a slight shudder looking at the now-repaired window. "The scene of the crime?" he asked.
"Something like that."
"It’s also where I first touched your hand. And I knew that I wasn’t imagining what was between us."
"And what was that?" she asked, smiling.
His lips answered her. They were warm and firm on hers in the chilly air. She savoured the feel of him, the taste, the intimacy of his tongue entwining with hers. Felt how tall he was as he had to bend down to kiss her as she reached up to meet him. Felt the strength of his arms around her. The power, both physical and emotional, he had over her.
"That I love you," he said, as he broke away. He fingered her necklace, the one had had given her. "And that I hope this will be on a ring one day."
She kissed him again. "I love you too."
Just three weeks. Somehow she would endure it.
* * *
Laura brazened it out when she got back to Michaelmas House. She told anyone who asked that she had been discussing Goethe with Mr Rydell. She at least had a reputation for being good at literature and poetry, so some were convinced and silenced.
Susie beat the remainder into submission by accusing them of having jealous crushes of their own. "My Rydell, you’re my idol!" she chanted at one girl.
Teresa knew what she knew and was all the more enraged that Laura and Susie appeared to be getting away with everything again. But people were already trickling away, more interested in going home and seeing their families again than school gossip. By January it would be long forgotten.
Susie was the first of the four to go, her parents driving up in a grey Bentley. Her mother looked very glamorous from what they could see through the window. "Easy to see where Susie gets it from," Charlotte said.
So the three of them sat together once more.
"It feels like another lifetime, when I think back to the start of this term," Laura said. "I know it’s the longest term but it feels like years have passed."
As devastated as she was by Mr Rydell leaving, she was relieved the intensity of the term was over. They all needed a break.
"I wonder if The Axe will be back next term?" Charlotte asked.
"I don’t think so. I don’t think you could come back after that," Margery said. She had mixed feelings about what Susie had done. All in all it was for the best, but Mrs Ayers’ public breakdown had made her uneasy.
"So it’s off to Italy for you?" Charlotte said to Laura. She herself was looking forward to seeing Julian, there would be a couple of balls around Christmas and she was going to try and find a date for Margery.
"Yes, I can’t wait. Skiing too, if the snows come."
And him. Her future. Her soulmate. The man who had taught her more than she could have ever imagined. Lessons she would remember long after Latin verbs and calculus had faded from memory. Forbidden lessons: lessons of desire, lessons of love.
Glossary of terms
Some of the British English terms used in Forbidden Lessons may be unfamiliar to non UK readers. This glossary is provided as a guide.
A-levels
Final high school exams, usually only three to four subjects are studied, in the last two years
Common room
Room used for leisure or social activities by pupils
Demerit
Penalty point imposed for a wrongdoing
Dorm
(Dormitory) bedroom for multiple pupils at a boarding school
Exeat
A kind of short school holiday, when boarding pupils are allowed to leave the school overnight
Games
Term used for sport, physical exercise
Gated
Gonfined to school grounds, similar to grounding
Half-term
A short holiday half-way through a school term
House
Schools are often divided into houses, usually for the purposes of residential accommodation
Mufti
Regular clothes, being out of school uniform
Out of bounds
An area on or off school grounds to which access is forbidden
Oxbridge
Oxford + Cambridge, England’s two most elite universities, similar to Ivy League
Prep
(Preparation) a term used for homework, and the time allotted to complete homework
Sixth form
The final two years of school, when one is studying for A-levels
About Noël Cades
Noël Cades is a British writer who currently lives in Sydney, Australia. A fan of romance, mystery and classic children’s novels, Noël’s favourite authors include Evelyn Waugh, Agatha Christie and Tove Jansson.
You can contact Noël at [email protected]
Noël’s blog is at http://noelcades.tumblr.com
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