by Evelyn Waugh
Tonight the town seemed fuller than usual. Guy knew Matchet well. He had picnicked there as a child and visited his father whenever he came to England. The Marine Hotel lay outside the town, on the cliff beside the coast-guard station. Their way led down the harbour, along the waterfront, then up again by a red rock track. Lundy Island could be seen in the setting sun, beyond the brown waters. The channel was full of shipping held by the Contraband Control.
‘I should have liked to say good-bye to Tony,’ said Mr Crouchback. ‘I didn’t know he was off so soon. There’s something I looked out for him the other day and wanted to give him. I know he’d have liked to have it – Gervase’s medal of Our Lady of Lourdes. He bought it in France on a holiday the year the war broke out and he always wore it. They sent it back after he was killed with his watch and things. Tony ought to have it.’
‘I don’t think there’d be time to get it to him now.’
‘I’d like to have given it to him myself. It’s not the same thing sending it in a letter. Harder to explain.’
‘It didn’t protect Gervase much, did it?’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Mr Crouchback, ‘much more than you might think. He told me when he came to say good-bye before going out. The army is full of temptations for a boy. Once in London, when he was in training, he got rather drunk with some of his regiment and in the end he found himself left alone with a girl they’d picked up somewhere. She began to fool about and pulled off his tie and then she found the medal and all of a sudden they both sobered down and she began talking about the convent where she’d been at school and so they parted friends and no harm done. I call that being protected. I’ve worn a medal all my life. Do you?’
‘I have from time to time. I haven’t one at the moment’
‘You should, you know, with bombs and things about. If you get hit and taken to hospital, they know you’re a Catholic and send for a priest. A nurse once told me that. Would you care to have Gervase’s medal, if Tony can’t?’
‘Very much. Besides I hope to get into the army too.’
‘So you said in your letter. But they’ve turned you down?’
‘There doesn’t seem to be much competition for me.’
‘What a shame. But I can’t imagine you a soldier. You never liked motor-cars, did you? It’s all motor-cars now, you know. The yeomanry haven’t had any horses since the year before last, a man was telling me, and they haven’t any motor-cars either. Seems a silly business. But you don’t care for horses either do you?’
‘Not lately,’ said Guy, remembering the eight horses he and Virginia had kept in Kenya, the rides round the lake at dawn; remembering, too, the Ford van which he had driven to market twice a month over the dirt track.
‘Trains deluxe are more in your line, eh?’
‘There wasn’t anything very luxurious about today’s trains,’ said Guy.
‘No,’ said his father. ‘I’ve no business to chaff you. It’s very nice of you to come all this, way to see me, my boy. I don’t think you’ll be dull. There are all kinds of new people in the inn – most amusing. I’ve made a whole new circle of friends in the last fortnight. Charming, people. You’ll be surprised.’
‘More Miss Vavasours?’
‘No, no, different people. All sorts of quite young people. A charming Mrs Tickeridge and her daughter. Her husband is a major in the Halberdiers. He’s come down for Sunday. You’ll like them awfully.’
The Marine Hotel was full and overflowing, as all hotels seemed to be all over the country. Formerly when he came to visit his father, Guy had been conscious of a stir of interest among guests and staff. Now he found it difficult to get any attention.
‘No, we’re quite full up,’ said the manageress, ‘Mr Crouchback did ask for a room for you but we were expecting you tomorrow. There’s nothing at all tonight.’
‘Perhaps you could fix him up in my sitting-room.’
‘We’ll do what we can, if you don’t mind waiting a bit.’ The porter who should have been at the station was helping hand round drinks in the lounge.
‘I’ll go just as soon as I can, sir,’ he said. ‘If you don’t mind waiting until after dinner.’
Guy did mind. He wanted a change of shirt after his journey, but the man was gone with his tray of glasses before Guy could answer.
‘Isn’t it a gay scene?’ said Mr Crouchback. ‘Those are the Tickeridges over there. Do come and meet them.’
Guy saw a mousy woman and a man in uniform with enormous handle-bar moustaches. ‘I expect they’ve sent their little girl up to bed. She’s a remarkable child. Only six, no nannie, and does everything for herself.’
The mousy woman smiled with unexpected charm at Mr Crouchback’s approach. The man with the moustaches began moving furniture about to make room.
‘Cheeroh,’ he said. ‘Pardon my glove.’ (He was holding a chair above his head with both hands.) ‘We were about to do a little light shopping. What’s yours, sir?’
Somehow he cleared a small space and filled it with chairs. Somehow he caught the porter. Mr Crouchback introduced Guy.
‘So you’re joining the lotus-eaters too? I’ve just settled madam and the offspring here for the duration. Charming spot. I wish I could spend a few weeks here instead of in barracks.’
‘No,’ said Guy, ‘I’m only here for one night.’
‘Pity. The madam wants company. Too many old pussycats around.’
In addition to his huge moustaches Major Tickeridge had tufts of wiry ginger whisker high on his cheekbones, almost in his eyes.
The porter brought them their drinks. Guy tried to engage him on the subject of his bag but he was off in a twinkling with ‘I’ll be with you in one minute, sir.’
‘Baggage problems?’ said the major. ‘They’re all in rather a flap here. What’s the trouble?’
Guy told him at some length.
‘That’s easy. I’ve, got the invaluable but usually invisible Halberdier Gold standing easy somewhere in the rear echelon. Let him go.’
‘No, I say, please…’
‘Halberdier Gold has not done a hand’s turn since we got here except call me too damned early this morning. He needs exercise. Besides he’s a married man and the housemaids won’t let him alone. It’ll do Halberdier Gold good to get away from them for a bit.’
Guy warmed towards this kind and hairy man.
‘Here’s how,’ said the major.
‘Here’s how,’ said the mousy wife.
‘Here’s how,’ said Mr Crouchback with complete serenity.
But Guy could only manage an embarrassed grunt.
‘First today,’ said the major, downing his pink gin. ‘Vi, order another round while I winkle out the Halberdier.’
With a series of collisions and apologies Major Tickeridge made his way across the hall.
‘It’s awfully kind of your husband.’
‘He can’t bear a man standing idle,’ said Mrs Tickeridge. ‘It’s his Halberdier training.’
Later when they separated for, dinner Mr Crouchback said: ‘Delightful people, didn’t I tell you? You’ll see Jenifer, tomorrow. A beautifully behaved child.’
In the dining-room the old residents had their tables round the wall. The newcomers were in the centre, and, it seemed to Guy, got more attention. Mr Crouchback by a long-standing arrangement brought his own wine and kept it in the hotel cellars. A bottle of Burgundy and a bottle of port were already on the table. The five courses were rather better than might have been expected.
‘It’s really remarkable how the Cuthberts cope with the influx. It’s all happened so suddenly. Of course one has to wait a bit between courses but they manage to turn out a very decent dinner, don’t they? There’s only one change I mind. They’ve asked me not to bring Felix in to meals. Of course he did take up an awful lot of room’
With the pudding the waiter put a plate of dog’s dinner on the table. Mr Crouchback studied it carefully, turning it over with his fork.
‘Yes, that
looks delicious,’ he said. ‘Thank you so very much,’ and to Guy, ‘D’you mind if I take it up to Felix now? He’s used to it at this time. Help yourself to the port. I’ll be back directly.’
He carried the plate through the dining-room up to his sitting-room, now Guy’s bedroom, and soon returned.
‘We’ll take him out later,’ said Mr Crouchback. ‘At about ten. I see the Tickeridges have finished dinner. The last two nights they’ve joined me in a glass of port. They seem a little shy tonight. You don’t mind if I ask them over, do you?’
They came.
‘A beautiful wine, sir.’
‘Oh, it’s just something the people in London send down to me.’
‘I wish you could come to our mess one day. We’ve got some very fine port we bring out for guest nights. You, too,’ he added, addressing Guy.
‘My son, in spite of his advanced years, is making frantic efforts to join the army himself.’
‘I say, not really; I call that jolly sporting.’
‘I’m not seeing much sport,’ said Guy, and wryly described the disappointments and rebuffs of the last fortnight.
Major Tickeridge was slightly puzzled by the ironic note of the recitation.
‘I say,’ he said. ‘Are you serious about this?’
‘I try not to be,’ said Guy. ‘But I’m afraid I am.’
‘Because if you are serious, why don’t you join us?’
‘I’ve pretty well given up,’ said Guy. ‘In fact I’ve as good as signed on in the Foreign Office.’
Major Tickeridge showed deep concern.
‘I say, that is a pretty desperate thing to do. You know, if you’re really serious, I think the thing can be managed. The old corps never quite does things in the ordinary army style. I mean none of that Hore-Belisha stuff of starting in the ranks. We’re forming a brigade of our own, half regulars. half temporaries, half National Service men, half long-service. It’s all on bumf at present but we’re starting cadre training any day now. It’s going to be something rather special. We all know one another in the corps, you know, so if you’d like me to put in a word with the Captain-Commandant, just say so. I heard him saying the other day he could do with a few older chaps among the temporary officers.’
By ten o’clock that night, when Guy and his father let Felix go bounding into the blackness, Major Tickeridge had made notes of Guy’s particulars and promised immediate action.
‘It’s remarkable,’ said Guy, ‘I spent weeks badgering generals and Cabinet Ministers and getting nowhere. Then I come here and in an hour everything is fixed up for me by a strange major.’
‘That’s often the way. I told you Tickeridge was a capital fellow,’ said Mr Crouchback, ‘and the Halberdiers are a magnificent regiment. I’ve seen them on parade. They’re every bit as good as the Foot Guards.’
At eleven lights went out downstairs in the Marine Hotel and the servants disappeared. Guy and his father went up to bed. Mr Crouchback’s sitting-room smelled of tobacco and dog.
‘Doesn’t look much of a bed, I’m afraid.’
‘Last night at Angela’s I slept in the library.’
‘Well, I hope you’ll be all right.’
Guy undressed and lay down on the sofa by the open window. The sea beat below and the sea-air filled the room. Since that morning his affairs had greatly changed.
Presently his father’s door opened: ‘I say, are you asleep?’
‘Not quite.’
‘There’s this thing you said you’d like. Gervase ‘s medal. I might forget it in the morning.’
‘Thanks most awfully. I’ll always-wear it from now on.’
‘I’ll put it here on the table. Good night.
Guy stretched out in the darkness and felt the light disc of metal. It was strung on a piece of cord, He tied it round his neck and heard his father moving about in his room. The door opened again. ‘I say, I’m afraid I get up rather early and I’ll have to come through. I’ll be as quiet as I can.’
‘I’ll come to mass with you.’
‘Will you? Do. Good night again’
Soon he heard his father lightly snoring. His last thought before falling asleep was the uneasy question: ‘Why couldn’t I say “Here’s how” to Major Tickeridge? My father did. Gervase would have. Why couldn’t I?’
BOOK ONE
Apthorpe Gloriosus
1
'HERE’S how,’ said Guy.
‘Cheers,’ said Apthorpe.
‘Look here, you two, you’d better have those drinks on me,’ said Major Tickeridge, ‘junior officers aren’t supposed to drink in the ante-room before lunch.’
‘Oh Lord. I am sorry, sir.’
‘My dear chap, you couldn’t possibly know. I ought to have warned you. It’s a rule we have for the youngsters. It’s all rot applying it to you chaps, of course, but there it is. If you want a drink tell the corporal-of-servants to send it to the billiards-room. No one will mind that.’
‘Thanks for telling us, sir,’ said Apthorpe.
‘I expect you work up quite a thirst pounding the square. The C.O. and I had a look at you this morning. You’re coming along.’
‘Yes, I think we are.’
‘I heard from my madam today. All’s well on the Matchet front. Pity it’s too far for week-end leave. I expect they’ll give you a week at the end of the course:
It was early November. Winter had set in early and cold that year. A huge fire blazed in the ante-room. Junior officers, unless invited, did not sit by it; but its warmth reached the humble panelled corners.
The officers of the Royal Corps of Halberdiers, from the very fact of their being poor men, lived in great comfort. In fashionable regiments the mess was deserted after working hours by all except the orderly-officer. The Halberdiers had made this house their home for two hundred years. As Major Tickeridge often said: ‘Any damn fool can make himself comfortable.’ In their month in the regiment neither Guy nor Apthorpe had once been out to a meal.
They were the eldest of the batch of twenty probationary officers now under instructions in barracks Another similar group was said to be at the Depot. Presently they would be brought together. Some hundreds of National Service recruits were in training on the coast. Eventually in the spring they would all be interjoined with the regular battalions and the Brigade would form. This was a phrase in constant use. ‘When the brigade forms…’ It was the immediate end of all their present activity, awaited like a birth; the start of a new unknown life.
Guy’s companions were mostly young clerks from London offices. Two or three had come straight from public schools. One, Frank de Souza, was just down from Cambridge. They had been chosen, Guy learned from more than two thousand applicants. He wondered, sometimes, what system of selection had produced so nondescript a squad. Later he realized that they typified the peculiar pride of the Corps, which did not expect distinguished raw materials but confided instead in its age-old methods of transformation. The discipline of the square, the traditions of the mess, would work their magic and the esprit de corps would fall like blessed unction from above.
Apthorpe alone looked like a soldier. He was burly, tanned, moustached, primed with a rich vocabulary of military terms and abbreviations. Until recently he had served in Africa in some unspecified capacity. His boots had covered miles of bush trail.
Boots were a subject of peculiar interest to Apthorpe: He and Guy first met on the day they joined. Guy got into the carriage at Charing Cross and found Apthorpe seated in the corner opposite to him. He recognized the badges of the Halberdiers and the regimental horn buttons. His first thought was that be had probably committed some heinous breach of etiquette by travelling with a senior officer.
Apthorpe had no newspaper or book. He stared fixedly at his own feet for mile after mile. Presently by a process of furtive inspection Guy realized that the insignia of rank on Apthorpe’s shoulders were not crowns but single stars like his own. Still neither spoke, until after twenty minutes Apth
orpe took out a pipe and began carefully filling it from a large rolled pouch. Then he said: ‘This is my new pair of porpoises. I expect you wear them too.’
Guy looked from Apthorpe’s boots to his own. They seemed very much alike. Was ‘porpoise’ Halberdier slang for ‘boot’?
‘I don’t know. I just told the man I always go to, to make me a couple of pairs of thick black boots.’
‘He may have given you cow.’
‘Perhaps he did.’
‘A great mistake, old man, if you don’t mind my saying so.’
He puffed his pipe for another five minutes, then spoke again: ‘Of course, it’s really the skin of the white whale, you know.’
‘I didn’t know. Why do they call it “porpoise”?’
‘Trade secret, old man.’
More than once after their first meeting Apthorpe reverted to the topic. Whenever Guy gave evidence of sophistication in other matters, Apthorpe would say: ‘Funny you don’t wear porpoises. I should have thought you were just the sort of chap who would.’
But the Halberdier servant who looked after them in barracks – one between four probationary officers – found great difficulty in polishing Apthorpe’s porpoises and the only criticism ever made of his turn-out on parade was that his boots were dull.
