The Spy Who Loved School Dinners

by Pamela Butchart

  So anyway, we still weren’t sure why Mathilde was spying on us. And I didn’t really think Jodi’s ideas were right because none of them explained why Mathilde hadn’t spoken to anyone since she got here. And it seemed a bit strange to come all the way from France just to steal our poster ideas (even though they ARE excellent and will probably be put up in a museum about Antarctica when they are finished).

  But then I remembered something I’d heard Mr Murphy say at assembly last week, about a School Inspector coming to our school. And that the School Inspector would be “WATCHING US VERY CLOSELY” and “WRITING EVERYTHING DOWN”. And that we were all to be “AS GOOD AS GOLD”.

  And then I’d heard the office ladies say that Mr Murphy was worried in case the School Inspector didn’t like our school, and that if they didn’t they would “SHUT US DOWN FOR GOOD!” And we’d all get separated, and have to go to horrible schools.

  So I told everyone about what Mr Murphy had said, and explained that Mathilde was obviously the SCHOOL INSPECTOR. And that was why she was spying on us. And that she was going to SHUT DOWN our school and we’d all get separated!

  And then Maisie got really upset and said that she didn’t want us to all get separated. And then we had to put her to bed and shut the little bed-curtains for ten minutes just to calm her down. Then, when she was calm, she opened the little bed-curtains and told us to come in.

  Zach said that he didn’t think a French girl who was only in our year would be allowed to be a School Inspector, because a School Inspector would DEFINITELY be a grown-up. So I told everyone about the programme I watched with Dad, where the boss of a big supermarket DISGUISED herself with a wig and glasses and pretended that she wasn’t the boss. And then she was able to work behind the cheese counter and find out what the people who worked for her REALLY did when she wasn’t there. And what they REALLY did was say mean things about her, and eat all the cheese, and sometimes the ham, and sell the cheese that had fallen on the floor.

  So I said, “Mathilde’s not REALLY a new pupil from France. She’s a grown-up School Inspector in DISGUISE. So she can spy on us, and find out what we’re REALLY like. She’s UNDERCOVER!”

  And then Maisie said, “But Mathilde HATES us! She’s going to SHUT US DOWN! I don’t want to get separated!” And then she mumbled something about new schools, and new germs, and then she fainted. So we just tucked her in and kept on having the meeting, because there’s not much else you can do when Maisie faints.

  And then I said that Mathilde probably couldn’t talk because if we heard her voice we would find out that she wasn’t French! And also that she was really a grown-up, because her voice would sound all old, and boring, and she wouldn’t be able to help herself from saying things like “Be quiet!” and “Pick that up!” and “Stop licking your arm hairs!”

  And then Zach said that made complete sense, and that he believed me. And that Mathilde must be wearing a FACE MASK.

  But then Jodi said, “I still don’t think she’s a grown-up. She’s tall, but she’s not GROWN-UP tall!” And Jodi had a good point, because I don’t think you can really disguise yourself to be smaller than you are.

  Then Maisie mumbled, “My Auntie Jean is only four feet tall.” But none of us really knew how tall four feet was. So we drew around Jodi’s foot on a bit of paper with a pen. And then we cut out four Jodi feet shapes, exactly the same, and lined them up to see how tall four feet was.

  I was the one who said we should draw around Jodi’s foot, because I know FOR A FACT that she has the biggest feet out of all of us (even though she said she didn’t, and that it must be Zach, because he’s a boy, and then she went into a huff after Zach put his foot against her foot and hers WAS bigger).

  So anyway, we all looked at the feet ladder we’d made and Jodi said, “That’s tiny! Are you sure your auntie isn’t six or seven feet tall?” But Maisie said she WAS sure. Because one time when she was at the carnival with her Auntie Jean, the man who does the rollercoaster said, “You’ve got to be four feet one inch to go on this ride, little girl, and you’re only four feet.” But then the man saw that Maisie’s auntie was NOT a little girl. And also that she was very angry. So he let her go on. And Maisie said that the rollercoaster made her VIOLENTLY SICK, even though she didn’t go on, and she was just in charge of holding the bags.

  So eventually, Jodi agreed that this meant it was DEFINITELY POSSIBLE that Mathilde was actually a grown-up School Inspector, disguised as a French girl called Mathilde, but that she was actually an UNDERCOVER SCHOOL INSPECTOR SPY.

  After school on Wednesday we all went to see my granddad in the Home, because Mum said we could interview him for our project, because now we were learning about Antarctic explorers and about how a long time ago Captain Scott sailed all the way to the Antarctic in a ship called the Discovery. And Granddad knows all about ships because he was born in the olden times, when people sailed their boats to the shops to get bread and milk instead of using a car, and before shoes were invented. But we decided we didn’t want to ask Granddad about explorers and ships any more. We wanted to ask him about SPIES.

  I wish I lived in the Home with Granddad, because everyone gets their own big room, and a bed that goes up and down, and the nurses bring you ice-cream and jelly every day, and next door to Granddad’s room there’s a magician called Mighty Marv. And Mighty Marv does his magic tricks after dinner every night in the lounge. And then he and Granddad talk about The War, and how rubbish the TV is nowadays, and sometimes potatoes. And then they both fall asleep for a bit. But then I get bored and I have to shake them really hard to wake them up so they can tell me more good stories about the potatoes.

  Granddad knows LOADS about spies and secret missions, because he was very high up in The War, and he was called an Intelligent Officer. Granddad says that I have to keep everything he tells me “TOP SECRET” because he thinks Mr Thomson who sits across from him in the TV room is a spy. And that’s why Granddad demanded to have a FIREPROOF TITANIUM SAFE in his room. So he could keep his medals, and inventions, and the mobile phone Mum gave him in it, in case Mr Thomson’s after them.

  Mum doesn’t believe Granddad when he tells us about Mr Thomson and how he steals his jelly when he isn’t looking, and about how he thinks Mr Thomson sneaks out of the Home every night and reports back to his commander.

  Mum says Granddad sometimes says things that aren’t true or that don’t make sense. Like when he gives me 5p and tells me not to spend it all in the same shop.

  But I always give Granddad a hug and say thank you for the 5p anyway, even though it would be quite hard not to spend it all in one shop, because not a lot of things cost less than 5p. But I visit Granddad all the time, so now I have a family-size orange squash bottle filled with 5p’s!

  Mum said that sometimes Granddad forgets that it’s not still wartime because his brain is old. And then Mum said that my brain was young and healthy. And then I couldn’t stop thinking about brains for ages. And wondering what my brain looked like, and what colour it was. And what Granddad’s brain looked like, and what colour his was. And I decided that my brain was probably yellow with bits of orange, and that Granddad’s was probably grey with a tiny bit of pink in the middle, like Dad gets his steak done.

  So anyway, when we got to the Home Granddad was sleeping in the TV room. So we sat quietly and pretended to watch the TV until Mum went out to speak to the nurses. And then when she was gone we shook Granddad until he woke up.

  But we must have given Granddad a fright because when he woke up he shouted, really loud, and Maisie squealed and hid under a chair.

  But then Granddad sat up and put his finger in his mouth and felt all his teeth. And then he said, “Thank goodness! I thought old boy Thomson was off with them again! Pulled them RIGHT out my mouth while I was sleeping yesterday! He’s up to no good, that one.”

  But then Granddad saw us all standing there staring at him. And then he said, “OK. What’s all this then? And what’s with the serious faces?”


  So I told Granddad about how we needed to find out everything about spies

  And then I asked him how he knew for sure that Mr Thomson was a spy. And that’s when Granddad leaned forwards and told us to come close. So we did. And then he said, “It’s all in the eyes!”

  And then Granddad told me to look at Mr Thomson, so I did. And then he said, “Look. LOOK! He’s staring RIGHT at me!” But when I looked, I was sure that Mr Thomson had his eyes closed, and also that he was sleeping. But when I told Granddad he said, “That’s EXACTLY what he wants you to think!” So Jodi got out her pad and pen and wrote down,

  So we told Granddad all about Mathilde, and about how we thought she might be a grown-up disguised as a French girl called Mathilde. And he listened very closely to everything we said and then he said, “Hmmmmmm” for ages.

  So I asked Granddad if he had ever seen a spy that was our age before, and he said, “No, don’t think so. But now that you mention it, that WOULD be a good disguise!”

  So Zach said, “Do you think a spy that was really old, like you, could make themselves look young, like us?”

  And Granddad said, “Definitely. Those spies can do anything.”

  And then Granddad stared at each one of us, and his eyes went really small, and then he said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if SHE was an old spy girl herself!” and he pointed at Jodi.

  So Jodi explained how she wasn’t a spy, actually, and that she was just taking all the notes to make sure we didn’t forget everything. And that it was hard because I was talking too fast. And then Granddad said, “And that’s EXACTLY what a spy would say!”

  So we told Granddad about Mathilde’s little black book. And about how she was always watching everybody. And about how she was always writing everything down. And about the

  And about how she had never even spoken one word to anyone, even though Miss Jones said she could. And then Granddad said, “Good grief, girl! That DOES sound like you’ve got a spy on your hands!” And that’s when we knew we were in serious trouble.

  Then Granddad said, “You’d better be on your guard. Stay one step ahead of her at all times.”

  And Jodi said, “Don’t worry. We’ll stay at least four feet away from her at all times. We’ve got a feet ladder.”

  And then Granddad said, “Spies in the school, eh? What are they up to, eh?”

  So we told Granddad all about how Mr Murphy had said that there was a School Inspector coming. And that it was very serious. And that the School Inspector would be taking lots of notes. And about how I’d heard the office ladies saying that the School Inspector was going to be watching us, and that if they didn’t like us they were going to shut our school down for good. And how we’d all get separated and have to go to horrible schools. But then Granddad didn’t say anything back. And then I saw that he had fallen asleep.

  So Zach said, “What now?”

  And Jodi said, “We’re on our own. It’s up to us.”

  And I knew that she was right. And I knew we had to do something to stop Mathilde. And that we had to do it FAST. So we pulled Maisie out from under the chair and ran to find Mum.

  On Thursday, Jodi said that she had come up with a “BRILLIANT PLAN”. And that she had been “UP ALL NIGHT” reading about spies on the Internet after her mum had gone to sleep. Jodi’s not allowed to use the computer when she’s supposed to be sleeping. And she’s not even allowed to use the computer without checking with her mum first, ever since the time she ordered ten pizzas by mistake, instead of just one like her mum had asked her to do. And then when the pizza man delivered the ten pizzas he said, “NO REFUNDS.” And so Jodi had to bring two of the pizzas up to my house, and she took two to Zach’s house too. And then Jodi had to bring a slice of pizza to school for her lunch every day for a week.

  So anyway, Jodi said she had found out lots of

  And then she said that if you’re a spy, and you get found out, then you’re not allowed to be a spy any more. Because everyone knows who you really are.

  Jodi said that if we could PROVE to Miss Jones, and Mr Murphy, and everybody else that Mathilde WAS a grown-up Undercover School Inspector Spy, then her “COVER WOULD BE BLOWN!” And she’d have to go and be a spy somewhere else. And our school would be safe.

  So we all said it was a brilliant plan, because it was. But Jodi said that she hadn’t actually finished the plan yet. And that this was just STAGE 1. And that STAGE 2 was actually coming up with a way to prove that Mathilde was a grown-up disguised as a pupil.

  And then Maisie said, “I think I’ve got an idea.” And we all listened closely, because Maisie speaks really quietly, and also because she was whispering because we’re not supposed to be talking and making plans when we are doing our numeracy.

  And then Maisie said, “I can smell shepherd’s pie!” And then she told us her plan.

  We all thought the Shepherd’s Pie Plan was a great plan! And I said we were very lucky that Maisie has such a good sense of smell and that she was able to smell that the dinner ladies were cooking shepherd’s pie all the way from the classroom.

  Maisie says that she’s so scared of shepherd’s pie that she would probably be able to smell it even if it was a hundred miles away. And I believe her, because one time when we were all making a giant cardboard spider at my house, Maisie started screaming and said she could smell fire! So we dialled 999 right away and asked for the fire brigade. And then when they got there Mum went mad and shouted,

  And it turned out that there was NOT a fire in our house. But downstairs Zach’s mum HAD lit a smelly candle in her bathroom because she’d had an upset stomach. So Maisie is very good that way.

  So anyway, the plan was to watch Mathilde VERY CLOSELY at lunchtime and see how she REACTED to the shepherd’s pie. All the pupils at our school HATE the shepherd’s pie, so we knew that if Mathilde really WAS just a pupil like us, then she would hate it too. Especially since the dinner ladies always give you too much and then moany Mrs Kidd (the evil dinner monitor) makes you eat it all.

  Mrs Kidd always makes us eat stuff we don’t want to. And she’s ALWAYS moaning at us. Things like: “Take your coat off! Or you won’t get the benefit when you go outside!” (which doesn’t make sense). Or: “Izzy, were you born in a barn?” And to begin with I just said, “I don’t know,” because I wasn’t sure. But then I checked with Mum and I wasn’t.

  So anyway, for some strange unknown reason, all the teachers seem to LOVE the shepherd’s pie at our school. And they love it so much that they take it back up to their classrooms so they can eat it on their own, like I sometimes do when Mum gets me my favourite chocolate fudge from the expensive shop.

  So, the Shepherd’s Pie Plan was to watch Mathilde to see what she did with her shepherd’s pie (like a test). And if she LIKED the shepherd’s pie then that would be STRONG EVIDENCE that she was a grown-up spy. And it would also be disgusting.

  We all hate the shepherd’s pie so much that we try EVERYTHING not to eat it. Zach squashes his together so it looks smaller, and then he asks Mrs Kidd if he can go because he only has a small bit left. And Jodi usually just eats it really fast and holds her nose and drinks loads of juice at the same time so she doesn’t taste it as much.

  But Maisie gets really dizzy when it’s shepherd’s pie day, because Maisie gets really dizzy a lot when she’s scared about things like shepherd’s pie, or yellow pens, or Pancake Day. So Mrs Kidd doesn’t make Maisie eat the shepherd’s pie any more, after the time Maisie fainted head first into her plate and splattered shepherd’s pie all over Mrs Kidd’s blouse.

  One time I pretended that I was going to faint when we were walking in line to the dining hall, because I smelled the shepherd’s pie. But Mrs Kidd just told me to keep walking and then she said, “You should have won an Oscar for that performance, young lady!” and then she made me eat it anyway.

  I even used to bring a packed lunch every Wednesday, so that I didn’t have to eat it. But then the dinner ladies kept changing the day,
and I’m sure Mrs Kidd was the one who told them to do that on purpose so I would have to eat it.

  So now I don’t bother bringing a packed lunch. And I just take AGES to eat mine, because shepherd’s pie is my most disgusting food to eat. And I know Mrs Kidd probably watches me the WHOLE TIME, so I can’t even drop some on the ground, or put it on Zach’s plate when he’s not looking.

  So when Mathilde took her tray up to get her dinner, we watched her VERY CAREFULLY. And that’s when she failed the first shepherd’s pie test. Because when the dinner lady asked her if she wanted one ice-cream scoop of shepherd’s pie or two, Mathilde held up TWO FINGERS! And we couldn’t believe our eyes!

  So I said, “She MUST be a grown-up! There’s NO WAY a normal human pupil would ask for two scoops!” And I was just about to write “FAIL” down on our “EVIDENCE CHART” that Jodi had made when Maisie said, “Maybe she doesn’t know what shepherd’s pie is!” And I thought that probably made sense, because I don’t think they have shepherd’s pie in France, and when I went to Disneyland two summers ago I didn’t see any there.

  So Zach told us to put “PASS” next to the first test. But then Jodi said it would be better if we just put a question mark instead, because we weren’t sure. So that’s what we did. And then we moved on to Shepherd’s Pie Test 2.

  Test 2 was to watch Mathilde’s face and see what happened when she ate the shepherd’s pie. And to find out if she tried to hide it, or drop it on the floor, or put it in her bag, like everyone else did.