So Crave’s old crew had avoided him. It wasn’t hard to enter into a pact with the entire community not to mention Carnal. It was another good excuse to stay away from the reminder that what happened to Crave could have happened to any of them. And, in moments of harsh self-rebuke, each secretly thought it should have been them instead, for the simple reason that, if pressed, each would have confessed that they believed Crave was the best of them by any measure.
Raven and Leo were on the training field with children.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Charming told Serene. “I’ll find the other two.”
Serene nodded and walked on through the north opening of the training field.
Charming did find Snow at an operations station not far from town center. She wasn’t hard to spot. She was named for her white-blonde hair.
“Charming? Is that you?” she asked.
“Yeah. It’s me.”
She pointed to his face. “I wasn’t sure. Don’t take this the wrong way, but has something happened?”
He grunted in the affirmative. “Crave.”
She stiffened, put down her clipboard and motioned with her head for him to accompany her where no one would overhear. After they stepped outside, she said, “What’s up?”
“He got his memories back. Now he’s on some fool quest to prove to Dandy that he’s willing to die for her.”
Her eyebrows came together. “How’s he going to prove that, Charming?”
“She’s working at Fosterland. That’s what they call the orphanage they’ve built for Rautt kids. He’s crossing the desert on foot.”
Snow’s eyebrows knitted together even closer. “He is not!”
“He thinks he is. He left Newland on foot about twenty-six hours ago. He’d just passed the reactors when,” Charming pointed to his face, “he told me in no uncertain terms that he’s doing this thing whether I like it or not.”
Snow looked away. “Most stubborn person I ever knew.”
“Somehow when you say it, it doesn’t sound like such a bad thing.”
She smiled. “Who do you want at your back in a battle? Somebody who gives up easy?”
“Yeah. I see what you mean. Well, Serene and I are looking up his old crew. We thought that, I don’t know, maybe he’d come closer to listening to reason if it was coming from his friends.”
She tossed the clipboard she’d been holding to the ground, pressed her lips together and began striding toward where her bike was parked.
“Does this mean you’ll go talk to him?” Charming asked.
“What does it look like?” she said as she threw her leg over her bike.
“You better go get outfitted. You’re not dressed to be out in the desert at this time of day.”
She laughed at Charming. “You think that’s going to stop me?” She started her bike, shaking her head.
“Hang on. I’m headed to Fosterland to talk to Scape and Dandy.”
She didn’t see any reason to wait for Charming. Getting Crave back after years of believing he was dead, just to have him throw his life away? As far as Snow was concerned, that wasn’t happening.
If Charming wanted to catch up, he’d have to move faster.
It felt like trying to walk in an oven. Having a blanket draped over him didn’t make the heat better, but he knew that not having it would mean saying goodbye to the skin that held all the other stuff inside his body. The top of the blanket formed a hood that draped down over his face so that all he could see was the next step in front of him. Every now and then he peeked out just to make sure he was still headed toward the northern mountains and not walking in circles.
When he’d finished off the first two waterskins, it was almost a relief to drop them on the desert floor and be rid of their weight.
He knew there were creatures in the desert. Snakes. Lizards. Scorpions. But he didn’t see any. He supposed they used what little sense they’d been given to stay out of his way.
Alone for hours, with no one and nothing around, no sensations except heat, thirst, and the strange unearthly sound the desert makes, Crave’s mind began replaying his years as a captive. Every horror. Every pain. Every monstrous indignity was involuntarily paraded across his vision.
With no one to know or judge, he let himself scream. And roar. And cry.
He didn’t plan it and was unaware of the cathartic benefit, but it was a psychic healing. A cleansing. A purge by fire. A reformation of the ugliness so that he could hold himself upright and reclaim the belief that he was Crave, leader’s son and Promise to Dandelion. He also had an unwavering certainty that the first was least important in the overall scheme of things and the latter was all that mattered in the world.
If he died on the way, the demons would die with him. If he made it and his Promise couldn’t forgive him, he’d walk back the way he came and let the barrens take him. And the demons would die with him.
When he’d replayed every crime committed against him, his mind turned to the time before he’d been taken. He remembered Dandy’s smile when she’d come to the window to let him in. Her bed wasn’t very big, which meant they had to sleep entangled with one another. That suited him just fine. He’d always thought that, after they made their formal Promise and had a house of their own, they would have a bed that same size. Always.
His mind replayed flashes of making love to Dandelion. He loved everything about the way she looked, the way she moved, the way she could be so demanding sexually. Sometimes he’d let her take control just for the fun of it. Sometimes he needed to show her which one of them was male.
He’d never been able to fix on a sexual position he liked best. There was something to be said for all of them, but he thought perhaps he liked having her on hands and knees. Though he’d never asked her, he wouldn’t be at all surprised if she didn’t agree. In that position he could drive himself all the way to her womb. The harder he thrust the more she liked it. He would lean over her back, hold himself up on one arm, and wrap his free arm around her middle.
That was why he liked it best. Because he could be rough and affectionate at the same time.
He told himself that, if he made it to the other side, if Dandelion forgave him, if they still had a chance at the life together they’d always planned, he was going to take her like that at least once a day for the rest of their lives. He was going to give her what she wanted, what she needed, even things she didn’t yet know she wanted.
That was what he was thinking when he saw a bike come up alongside him on the right. He glanced over for no longer than a blink. When a second bike, came up on his left, he glanced that way.
Charming said, “Crave, can I give you a ride?” Crave didn’t reply. “Good luck,” he said to Snow as he sped forward toward Fosterland. Within a minute his disappearing form was blurring in waves of heat, leaving Snow alone with Crave.
“Crave,” Snow said in a matter-of-fact way.
“Snow,” he replied.
“After nearly three years that’s all you’ve got to say to me?”
“Bad time. I’m busy.”
“Doing what?”
“My business. Go home.”
“Not till you tell me what you’re doin’ out here.” He didn’t answer. “Your little brother says you’re trying to prove something to your Promise. That what she wants?” No reply. “I’m thinkin’ that’s not what she wants, Crave. I’m thinkin’ what she wants is for you to be strong and healthy. Most importantly, alive.”
She had no way of knowing whether or not he was hearing her and processing what she had to say, because he was ignoring her.
“You a clam now? That’s almost as annoying as the sand that’s getting between me and my sweaty lingerie.”
She opened her mouth to try a new tack, but saw that Raven and Leo were riding up on the other side.
Crave glanced to his left.
“Crave,” said Leo.
“Leo. Raven,” he replied.
“Whatcha doin’?” Leo a
sked.
“I already tried that, Lee,” Snow said. “He says it’s none of our business.”
Leo looked at Crave. “He did, huh?”
“Yeah,” she continued, “told me to go home.”
“You tell Snow to go home, Crave? After three years that’s all you got to say? Go home?”
Crave glanced at Leo. “You, too, Lee. Go home.”
“I see time away hasn’t made you any easier to get along with.”
Crave ignored him.
“I heard from baby brother that Crave is being an ass,” Snow said.
“He said that?” Raven asked.
“No. He said Crave is trying to prove something to his Promise by killing himself. It’s me that thinks that adds up to being an ass.”
Leo rode a little closer to Crave. “Your mother sent us out here to give you a ride to wherever you’re goin’. We’ll take you north or south. Whatever you say. But I’m asking you as a friend and brother, stop this lunacy. You don’t have to ride with one of us. Raven’s always up for any excuse to hug me close. You can have her bike and I’ll take her behind me. You know me. Always willing to sacrifice for the team.”
Crave kept moving forward, keeping the dogged pace he’d set for himself. Neither faster nor slower, he continued to put one foot in front of the other, but said nothing more. He knew he didn’t have any energy to waste dialoguing about an outcome that wasn’t going to happen.
“Maybe you’ve got sand in your ears,” Leo said.
When he didn’t get any further response from Crave, he said, “Well, okay. If this is what we’re doin’, then I guess this is what we’re doin’. No matter how stupid it is.”
He looked at Snow on the other side of Crave. She nodded. He looked to his left. Raven nodded, too.
An hour later they saw a bike approaching from the north.
“Somebody’s coming,” Leo said.
“Charming blew past here about an hour ago on his way to talk to Scape and Dandelion. If I had to place a bet, I’d say that’s Scape.”
She was right.
Scape made a wide circle around them. Snow moved over and left some room next to Crave. Maybe he had some kind of magic that could shake Crave out of his stubbornness.
Scape pulled in between Crave and Snow. Crave glanced at the newcomer just for identification purposes.
“Crave,” he said.
“Scape,” Crave answered.
“What’s goin’ on?” Scape directed the question to any one of the four he’d joined. He didn’t particularly care who took on the responsibility for his enlightenment.
Snow looked at Leo and Raven. Raven faced forward. Leo shrugged as if to say, “You do the honors.”
“I think you’ve already got the gist,” she told Scape. “Crave thinks that dying in the desert is the best way to show Dandy he loves her.”
Scape looked at Crave. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s going some even for you, Crave, and you’re one of the stupidest fuckers I’ve ever met.”
Crave, who had managed to keep his focus so far, couldn’t suppress a low growl. Scape smiled while the others exchanged hopeful glances. But that was the last sound Scape was able to coax from Crave, no matter how much he goaded or insulted. It was a one-off.
At length Scape looked at the others and said, “So. What are we doin’?”
“What’s it look like?” Snow said. “We’re doin’ what he’s doin’.”
Scape sighed. “Yeah? Nice day for a ride.”
Leo laughed even though his skin was already turning bright red.
Dandy was going through her morning routine, supervising the transition from breakfast to lunch. She was surprised to see Charming and even more surprised to see him looking like he’d been in a fight. He wasn’t among the Exiled males who had a reputation for high temper or the ones who just liked to fight for sport.
“Hey Charm. Looks like one of Red’s buildings fell on your face.” She laughed. She stopped laughing when she saw that he was wearing an unusually serious expression. “What’s wrong?”
He looked around. “Is this private?”
She looked worried. “It will be for another half hour or so.”
Charming nodded and gestured toward the bench nearest them. When they sat, he said, “Crave has his memory back.”
She stared at Crave and blinked, but her expression didn’t change. At length she said, “Okay.”
“He’s on the way here.” She sighed, not being able to sort through how she felt about that. “But he’s not coming the usual way.”
“Say what you’ve got to say.”
“He’s got this insane idea that he no longer deserves you. He’s got it in his head that he needs to prove to you that he’d die for you.” Her breath caught at that. “He thinks that’s the only way he can be worthy of you again. Or some such nonsense.”
“Why does he think that?”
Charming looked away. “I think maybe it’s my fault. He remembers everything except the time in the holding facility. I told him everything you’d been through. I told him you saw him with Midnight.”
Dandy took a deep breath and her eyes darted around, but her expression didn’t change.
“So he’s walking here.” Her head jerked up and she looked at Charming with complete disbelief. “He left Newland about thirty hours ago with four waterskins and a blanket to hold over his head.”
She looked horrified.
“He’s determined.” Charming pointed at his face. “This is what happened when I rode out there early this morning and tried to talk him out of it.”
“We rounded up his old crew to ride out there and try to talk sense into him, but if I was betting, I’d say the only person who stands a chance of stopping him is you.” He stood up. “So if you could get somebody to cover your duties, I’ll take you out there and you can tell him to give it up.”
It took Charming a couple of seconds to process the fact that Dandy was still sitting and a few seconds more to grasp that she was shaking her head no.
“No?”
“No,” she said firmly.
“Look, Dandelion, I know you’re upset, understandably, about what happened in the Commons…”
She looked at him with such sudden ferocity that he unconsciously pulled back a couple of inches.
“That’s not it,” she said.
“Then what is it?” She shook her head again. “What? Tell me.”
“You don’t know your brother at all. If he’s decided he has to do this thing, then nothing on the Earth or in the stars will stop him. Except death. He doesn’t need me to tell him not to do what he’s set out to do. If he’s decided he needs to win me, then you need to let him do it. He’s the only one who can say what will make him feel whole again. What he needs from me is to tell him that I love him when he’s done. And that’s what I will do.”
Charming gaped at her. “You sound as crazy as he does.”
“Well, then,” she stood up and resumed rearranging the benches in neat order, “maybe that’s why we belong together.”
“Dandy…”
She stopped him by holding up her hand. “Don’t try to stop him. Support him.”
“Support him how?”
“How far has he gotten?”
“He was halfway between the reactors and salt flats when I saw him on my way here.”
“Is he refusing to drink?”
“No. He started out with four waterskins. It’s not going to be enough.”
“Take him water.” Her eyes darted back and forth. “He can’t eat solid food. Go back to Newland. Find Flora. See if there’s something she can put in water that will help his body retain fluids. Then make sure he has enough to drink.”
Charming searched her eyes. “You sure this is the right thing?”
“He spent a long time thinking that he’d been abandoned by the gods, his people, you, me, everybody. On some level he might not accept that we couldn’t get to him
sooner. Let him know he’s not alone.”
Dandy came from a people who knew how to endure. They’d been created in captivity, forced to witness unspeakable horrors until they were moved to Newland. But even then, they weren’t free. They were pledged to fight to protect humans against their own version of hybrids they’d created in this world. There wasn’t a single Exiled who hadn’t grieved the loss of both friends and family.
They were a strong people. Not the sort who bemoaned their fate or shed tears over things that couldn’t be changed. Dandy had wept more in the past few months than she had in the whole of her life put together, but she’d managed to at least save face by doing it privately. Or with Charming.
He put his hands on her shoulders and bent his knees so he could look her in the eyes. “Are you sure?”
No matter how much she objected to tears, when she opened her mouth to tell Charming that she was sure, it was a sob that came out instead of words. She pulled herself together and nodded emphatically.
“Okay. I’m going.”
“Water,” she said.
He nodded. Then he was gone.
Dandy walked back to the kitchen and stopped the first person she saw, a cook named Alta.
“Find somebody to cover my duties,” she said.
Alta looked concerned. “You sick?”
“No. But consider me gone until further notice.”
Dandy went to her dorm and pulled out two shawls. One that was lightweight. One that was a heavy wool. She draped both over her arms and walked out to the edge of Fosterland, which was also the edge of the desert, where trees and plants began to grow as if the land had been sectioned off by the creator. She walked out onto a plateau from which she could see for almost four miles.
She’d done calculations in her head and knew that she wouldn’t be able to see Crave until sometime the next day. But she’d told Charming to support his brother and, she, his Promise, would do no less. So she chose to stand and wait and watch until it was over, however it ended. The wind picked up the sand from below and blasted the skin on her face, but she stood steadfast, knowing that was nothing compared to the cold that would come when the sun set.
CRAVE (Exiled Book 2) Page 14
