"WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!! ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!?! YOU'VE BEEN COMING ON TO MY FUCKING WIFE!!!"
"SHE WASN'T YOUR WIFE AT THE TIME!!!" Jake defended.
"YOU BASTARD!!! YOU SELFISH FUCKED UP BASTARD!!! SHE'S PREGNANT WITH MY CHILD!!! DOES THAT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!! YOU KNEW WE WERE GETTING MARRIE-E-ED! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN TO YOU?!!"
He heard Sheila then yelling at him, "You are going to have, a goddamn heart attack if you don't calm your ass down! You haven't eaten! You been yelling and shouting all morning, and before you find Sylvia... your ass gone be laid up in the hospital from a stroke! NOW CALM - YOUR - ASS - DOWN!"
Jake covered his mouth in disbelief thinking, 'Oh my God, what have I done? What have I done?' Hearing Shawn then, as he was - brought it all home with startling clarity, he'd gone too far one time too many. He felt like crap because he hadn't wanted to do it. He couldn't explain himself why he'd done it again when he knew that she was different. That she wasn't like any of the others. This one... Sylvia... was his brother's heart and soul - but it was watching him, come home and land on top, again - and just as in the past, who had he hooked up with, Derrick. Jake rubbed his stomach feeling ill. He could hear Shawn trying to bring himself under control. He could hear him sniffing and swallowing as if his eyes ran with tears. He knew the sound of crying... his brother was in tears. Jake felt weak all over.
"Wh - wh - why Jake... wh - why?" Shawn sobbed out softly. "What did I do to you Jake... what did I do man... you're killing me man... I can't find my fuckin' wife man... what the fuck did I do to you? Why meee Jake...why? I'm your fucking brother and you hate me... why-y-y?"
"WOULD YOU STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT!!! THAT I HATE YOU!!!" Jake shouted, shooting to his feet, the pain meant nothing against the pain inside. "I FUCKING WORSHIPPED THE GROUND YOU WALKED ON SHAWN!! AND YOU NEVER GAVE A DAMN ABOUT ME!! I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER... TO BE LIKE YOU!!! JUST SO YOU WOULD NOTICE ME!! SO YOU WOULD WANT TO SPEND JUST A LITTLE TIME WITH ME!!! SO THAT JUST ONCE, YOU WOULD LOOK AT ME... AND SAY... wanna hang with me today... not once. I didn't have no fucking body! You had Derrick... Derrick had you! Kathy Ann had Shanna, Shanna had her! WHO THE FUCK DID I HAVE!!??"
"JAKE, WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??! I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU!! BUT YOU WERE SUCH A LITTLE PRICK! ALWAYS DOING STUPID SHIT-..."
"TO GET YOUR GODDAMN ATTENTION!!!"
"WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THEN!!?" Shawn shouted back over the phone.
"I'M SORRY SHAWN... I DIDN'T KNOW HOW... OKAY... I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW HO-O-OW!! EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU! DAD SPENDING TIME WITH YOU!"
Shawn was sitting on the sofa, he had a headache, it was growing worse as the day progressed, he wiped his hand over his face. He knew he needed to eat but he didn't have an appetite, he sighed, reeling in disbelief that this was happening to him. He couldn't believe that after all of this time, his brother was crying over something he'd never had time to figure, all this time, he shook his head at the crazy irony of life, "Believe me brother..." He started low, dizzy from all the yelling, "...the time Dad gave me, you wouldn't have wanted!" Shawn ground out, his veins standing out on his forehead he was so tense, his tears running non stop. "You don't know what he was like back then. You never got your ass beat for every - little - fucking thing not right, not to his specification! Military regulation was the rule because he thought I was one of his goddamn troops. Thank God Jake, he wasn't on your ass day in and day out - like he was on mine! You fuckin' prick! You - you don't know - how many ass beatings I took for shit you did! Scared to death... he would do you the way I'd been done! I WAS FUCKING USE TO IT!!! I WAS YOUR OLDER BROTHER AND NO BODY WAS GONNA HURT YOU... NOT EVEN OUR DAD!!! YOU FUCKING PRICK!!" Shawn ended up yelling again.
"Then... why were you ... always with Derrick?" Jake asked with his heart hammering.
"Because he took it too! When I was getting my ass beat, he would dive in begging dad to finish on him ,instead. Mom realized how bad he was, and she intervened a lot. You got spared all of that, and I for one... was glad. No sooner had I recovered from that, when you started in on me. Kathy Ann, giving me hell! I - CAN ONLY - TAKE - SO MUCH! FUCK! That's why - I left - I can only - take so much." He paused, tears rolling, nose running while he sniffed it back, wiping his hand over his face.
Jake wiped away his own tears, feeling as if he wanted to die, he knew what he said was true, every word.
"I just want you to know... my dear brother... this time... you done good. You did it good style my brother. Because... if you'd cut me open - from chest to groin, it - it wouldn't have hurt me half as bad. I don't know where my wife is. I've called everywhere. Her moms. Her friends. Everywhere." He worried, sniffing. "Jake... if anything happens to my wife... to my child that she carries...because of this... I may as well - be dead to you. Because you sure as hell - will be dead to me." He hung up.
Jake held the phone until the called ended signal came on. He clicked the off button and sat so still that Vivian felt she had to come and check on him after all the yelling. Listening to him, she couldn't help but feel the torture he was going through. She gently reached down and took the phone from him.
"I gotta make this right, I gotta make this right. Where did she go? Where the hell did she go? They just got married! Who leaves - after one day of marriage?! Who would do that?! Who would do that?!" He asked tortured, incredulous.; looking up at Vivian for the answer. "I gotta find her! She's fucking going back to my brother goddamnit! How dare she leave him!"
"Maybe it was too much for her Jake." Vivian tried to reason with him. He shot up from the chair, gnashing his teeth from the discomfort. "I don't give a damn! My fucking brother is destroyed because she left him! Yes, I know that I'm guilty of wrong here, but that's different... that's different! She's his wife - she was not supposed to leave him!"
"Huh? How's that different... what are you talking about?"
"It's one thing... for me to hurt my brother... okay... that's me... but ... I can't take it... when someone else is hurting him! She's killing him! She better get her ass back there! She better get back there now!" He ground out with tears rolling from his eyes. Vivian stared up at him, shaking her head, giving a smile filled with irony.
"It's finally come to a head." She said softly.
"What?" He asked, wondering what the heck she was talking about.
"Oooh... emotionally infection I call it. Stuff that makes you mentally feverish and ill. Keeps you from growing up, moving on. Keeps women from becoming a woman. Stops some men, from becoming a man. When it finally comes to a head, its nasty, and it hurts... but then... the healing can begin. You know what you have to do now. Right here, right now... your life is in your hands. It can either, continue on as it has... or... this for you... can be your new day." She said simply and walked to the stove.
"You still want those eggs?"
"I gotta get back to Wisconsin."
"Okay... I um, owe you one hundred and twenty dollars, by the way." She confessed and then looked up at him.
"A hundred and twenty dollars? How?"
"Last night... or... this morning. I couldn't get you from the truck into my house. I didn't want to leave you there, and so my neighbor assisted bringing you in... for... two hundred dollars."
"WHAT?! You should have left my ass out there!" He blurted.
"You'd fallen out of the truck, I tried to hold you and couldn't... you were on the ground," She explained so he understood her predicament. "...I didn't want to leave you out there, on - the ground. You would have drowned, it's been raining." She explained and went on to say, "I was out and could have withdrawn the money, but I was so tired, I forgot. All I had on my mind was getting home and into bed."
Jake stood a few minutes staring at her. She was tired, her eyes were red and squinting. "How old are you?" He suddenly asked.
"Twenty-eight... why?"
"Jeez... you're just a baby."
"Excuse me, I'm a grown woman; taking care of myself
and have been for some time now."
"You're still a baby!"
"I'm older than you, how old are you?" She asked.
"Thirty-nine!" He informed her.
"Going on fifteen! Which makes me older!"
Jake chuckled, he liked her, she was cute, smart alicky - and though she was attracted to him, he always knew when a woman was, she wasn't moon eyed and gaga over him - she was different, kind'ah like Sylvia. He wondered, how much like Sylvia?
"Anyway... what's the big deal about my age?" She asked.
"You're really young. I've only been with women older than me... very few younger. Matter of fact, I can't think of any I've dated younger." He mentioned.
"What does that have to do with me?"
"Nothing... you're just a baby that's all. I better head out. Don't worry about the money, I'm not hard up or anything. Ummm, thanks ... for everything."
"You sure you don't wanna eat before you go?"
"I can pick something up on the way... you get some sleep, you look like you're about to drop on the spot."
"Thanks for - bringing me home." She said.
"I'd love to take credit, but at the time, I had no choice... I'm glad I did anyway. It was nice meeting you Vivian. Stay beautiful." He winked and turned to get dressed and leave.
Vivian leaned weak against the counter, frightened that she'd never see him again. She wanted to go and give him her number, but she dare not seem so forward. She had to let him leave, and if he never came back, she would just have to accept that. She walked into her living room and sat down, waiting for him to leave. She started nodding almost right away. Then leaned to the left, after a few minutes, she scooted down into the sofa, her head resting on the arm and fell asleep.
Jake finally got dressed. Noticing the state of his shirt, he would have to pick one up on the way home. He knew he had to keep moving, but each step and movement hurt. By the time he made it back down stairs and found his keys on the table, she was laying on the sofa out cold, sleeping away.
He stood staring down at her. He couldn't help himself. "You are... indeed - beautiful beyond words," He smiled, "As they say, black and beautiful - yeah, they were talking about you." He murmured softly standing above her. He sighed staring longer. "Don't know if I'm good enough for you little girl, despite what mama wants." Curious, he reached down and touched her soft cheek, his rough thumb coursing over her skin, their contrast was startling. "Naaaw, you don't want me little girl... you see, I've a reputation, for ... breaking hearts." He chuckled. "Bet you do too." He winced feeling his back tighten up in pain from leaning over her.
His eyes went to her door, and back to her. How to leave and lock her in was the question plaguing his mind because he didn't want to wake her. Suddenly he felt weird. He realized that he was feeling protective, truly concerned about leaving her sleeping and depending on a simple lock. Jake couldn't believe it... he was standing there perplexed because he didn't wish to leave her alone like that. She looked vulnerable and alone. What if someone saw him leave? He knew he was being ridiculous. She obviously lived there for sometime and was secure there. He, after all, had never felt such things before with other women he'd dated. Had never felt protective of Doris this way. Shaking his head for being silly his gazed lasted a few moments more on her, and finally, he turned and left. Testing the door to make sure it was locked. Giving it a good shake and twist of the knob. It was locked.
He walked down the steps to his truck, groaning as he went. Looking around at her neighborhood. Very clean, well kept, immaculate lawns. That was reassuring. He looked up at the sky, it was gray and overcast. Inside his truck, he sat with her fragrance strong in his truck, filling his head; tickling his senses; he wasn't sure about the cologne, but he liked the way it smelled; it made him invision her skin, laying close to her, caressing it, his nose and moust against her skin; breathing deeply; testing to see if she smelled like that all over. He couldn't move - he sat for countless minutes, lost, in a trance, his eyes on her front door.
"Cedric... he up! Come look, I think he leaving!"
"Woman you best get yo'ass out that window and fix me somethin' t'eat! I ain't thinkin'bout that white man!"
"Ha'cheap ass! He done got him a piece and fix'in'ta go! We won't be seein' his white ass again no more - he done got what he want."
"Did you hear what I said? Did you hear me say I ain't thinkin'bout that man?! Now get out that window and cook!"
"He just sittin' there... what the heck he doin'? Go! Drive yo'ass off!" She growled, getting tired of looking, but too nosey to walk away, wondering about him as she watched close, "Op! There he go, pullin' out now. So long white man! Thanks for the money!" She grinned and then turned around looking at her husband. "Now - I know you don't think I'm fin'na cook! Shit I'm tired, it's rainin'... I'm going back to bed."
Wisconsin...
Ellen and Edwina were gone. Sheila sat across from Shawn quiet and expecting him to eat. Mundo stood leaning against the counter, his eyes red from crying, seeing Shawn so worked up. He was finally quiet, but picking at his food. Sheila fixed him a loaded ham sandwich, with a little potato salad and chips on the side. His sister Shanna and his mother were there. Talking quietly in an attempt to keep him calm as they tried to figure out where Sylvia might be. "Son you have to eat, that's why your head hurts. You'll feel better once you've filled your stomach." Gert spoke softly. She and Sheila looked at each other.
He slowly shovelled the food in. His elbow on the table, with his hand over his eyes.
"So let's think. She's not at her mothers. She hasn't called the kids. She could be anywhere. We're going to have to just let her call us. She will son... she will."
"I'm going to Chicago... to visit her mother, just in cause." He mumbled sniffing.
They all stood not sure what to say when slowly Crystal stepped up on the kitchen porch, opening the door and looking at them all with a look of horror on her face.
Shawn looked up and felt his heart leap into his throat.
"What?" He asked right away.
Crystal had her hand over her stomach, she gulped. "Shawn... your.... on the news... isn't your first wife's name, Deidre Wherrington McPherson?"
"Yeah... why?"
"They said, on the news... that she was the victim of a gang war... she's in the hospital, in critical condition."
Shawn sat still and stared at her in disbelief. Suddenly he looked up at the ceiling, scooped up his plate, stood and twisted around launching it against the far wall.
Chapter 80
His head was spinning as he lay in bed trying to bring his mind and body back into some sort of calm. It was too much. Sylvia gone. Deidre in critical condition. He lay in the center of their bed, his knees up, one arm across his head, the other hand over his face pinching the bridge of his nose. His mother had given him something to calm him down, to relax him. They were on the phone making flight arrangements. He, Gert, Shanna and Angela were heading for California as soon as they could get a flight there.
He couldn't get the tears to stop flowing, while the rage of the storm was over, his heart hurt.
Deidre was Angela's mother, she could be dying, he had to get his daughter there. He needed to see her as well. He felt ripped in two. Because heading for California meant he would have to wait in the search for his wife. He thought about Sheila. The only person thus far responsible for the smile that came to his face. She was one hell of a woman, that was for certain. She had swooped in like a mighty wind and put things in order, letting him rage to a point and had only cussed him out a few times to bring him in check and back under control. He chuckled again thinking, 'Man can she cuss! Holy crap - I gotta meet the man who handles her.' Even so, she was also reassuring and kind behind all the bluster and mouth. He had a feeling, that her heart was filled to the brim and all the gruff bravado was her way of protecting a gentle heart. Over and over, she'd said, "Don't worry about nothing, get that matter seen to first. That babies mama in critical condition,
pull yo'shit together, and get yo' ass there! Me and the kids will keep trying to find Sylvia. You ain't gone get no closer to finding her than we will."
While laying there knowing that to be true, he didn't want to leave off finding her.
Tears flooded his eyes again. He kept thinking over and over again where he'd gone wrong. What had he done to make her feel the need to run? She said she couldn't face him. His anger, his disdain. He sniffed because he knew with her, had she been guilty as charged of all things with Jake, he knew that he loved her so much, he would have done anything to win her heart back from him. Yet, making things ten times worse for him to deal with, was the fact that all she'd done, was love him heart and soul, trying to protect him. She had indeed stood strong and loyal to him. As his mother and sister pointed out to him. They however noticed the condition of him and took mercy on him, unable to bring him more pain, but his mother did say to him. "She's done you no wrong son, not my Sylvie." He sniffed, to everyone, she was becoming, "My Sylvie." as his mother had declared her.
Finally, he had a woman who told Jake where to go, but he'd been so insanely jealous that he'd flown off the handle and scared her. "Baby please..." He whispered almost in prayer, as if she could possibly hear him. "... I can't stand this... please... Sylvie please... I need you to come home now. I need to hold you - so bad - I'm so sorry - I'm so sorry. Just call please? Just call... I need to know you're okay." He used his thumb and index finger to wipe at his tears. His mind in a whirl over where she may have gone. "Are you safe? God, she's out there by herself... please." His conscience was eating him alive with the knowledge that he'd made it impossible for her to stand and face him.
His mind kept playing over and over the time they'd been together. He could now see where he'd maybe been a bit forceful with her, but he couldn't help himself with her. Something about her made him feel the need to hold her close and not let go. An overpowering need to look into her eyes, know every thought, catch every wonder, anticipate a change, solve the mystery of it, and fill her needs. He wanted to be her all - in everyway. There were senses and sensations in his arms and along the front of is body that needed the close physical contact of her. Why, he couldn't explain it, but when the sensation came over him, all that would assuage it was her body, the feel of it, the warmth of it, the smell of her, the softness of it yielding to him. He couldn't let her go until the sensation passed. Until the blood surging through his system heating him up, calmed down. Then... then he could let her go. Then his arms could loosen their hold on her. Now, as he lay there, the sensation was overwhelming, the empty place where she should now be, was shocking to his system. Laying there, he knew he could not live without her. His body's need for her was hitting him like a junky deprived of a drug. Causing him to shift about, his legs to straighten and then fold again. He could never go back to the man he was before Sylvia Martin. She was in his blood running forcefully and mercilessly through him. His child - lay nestled in her womb calling out to him as well and again tears fell as he prayed no harm come to his child. He could feel it rising in him again, the need to shout and sob. He ran his hand through his hair, fighting it back.
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