"I take it you found no note?" Shawn asked right away entering there.
"Nothing... I checked. I'm hungry... want me to fix you something too?" He asked.
"Yeah... make me a sandwich, pass me those chips."
Mundo passed them as he removed all the sandwich making ingredients to get it started.
"You think she's out there after Victor again?" Shawn asked and then loaded his mouth up with potato chips.
"Ain't no tellin' where she at! I sho' hope what she heard is all bullshit - that would be messed up if it ain't!" Mundo commented.
"What exactly did she hear?" Shawn asked.
"That he seeing some chick... some white girl."
"Would he do that?" Shawn asked.
"Who knows... you know what I'm sayin'... I understand why he left her, but ain't no reason for him to be pullin' no shit like that. If he is doing that shit, I'mo tell'im about his goddamn self - Crys' may not be perfect, yeah she done some wrong shit... know what I'm sayin' - but uh - hell naw... he ain't gone be dissin' her like that."
Shawn took a deep breath, his eyes were burning.
"Why don't you give her mobile phone a call, see if she's alright." Shawn suggested, before Mundo could respond, they heard the kids running through the door. Shawn looked towards the doorway and Isaac came running in happy and smiling.
"Hey man! Where you been?!" Shawn greeted him, laughing and holding his arms out to him. Isaac came right into them as Shawn placed him on his lap. Crystal's eyes got big, because she knew what he was going to say.
"I seen my grandma today! She took us to M'Donalds! We played in the ball thing! She got a'new car papah-Shawn - its - its - its - what color is that momie?" He turned to Crystal and asked.
She gulped looking at Shawn's stunned expression as he stared at her. "Red baby... its red." She answered softly, staring at Shawn with sympathetic eyes.
"Its red! It go fast too papah-Shawn... we had fun!"
Shawn took a deep long breath as Isaac reached to get himself some potato chips. Darren walked over to Shawn as well to be lifted up. Shawn shifted Isaac to one leg and then picked up Darren, hugging him and kissing his forehead. He was quiet a moment, so were Mundo and Crystal.
"I called her Shawn. I needed to talk to her so bad. That's why she came."
"Is she gone now?" He asked gently, stroking Darren's head full of curls, looking at the floor.
"She took me to get my car out of the shop. I have it back now."
"That's good... I'm glad. Is she okay?"
"Yeah... she's okay."
"Good... are you okay?"
"I'm okay paph-Shawn. How are you? You okay?" She asked softly.
Mundo put Shawn's sandwiches before him.
"Yeah I'm okay... you hungry? Why don't you eat this sandwich, I suddenly find that I'm not." He was fighting tears, and needed to be away from the kids a moment to get his head right.
"Come on papah-Shawn... eat man... don't get upset man. Mama just... she just... I don't know." Mundo tried to explain but couldn't.
Shawn placed the boys on the chair, bringing one around for Darren.
"The fact is..." Shawn stopped himself.
"Mama loves you papah-Shawn... she do. I know she do... you gotta be patient with her." Crystal tried to reason with him as he walked by her.
"Look... you guys... don't worry about me - okay? As long as she's there for you all, I guess that's all that matters."
"You matter too!" Crystal started crying, she was getting emotional, because her life was a wreck and this man, more father to her in such a short period of time, was hurting the way she was hurting, on account of her mother. Whom she loved and understood too. She felt as if she was being split between mother and father.
"Aaah darlin' don't cry.... why are you crying?"
"'Cause I don't wanna see you hurt. I know how it feels - when - when you love somebody - and - and all you want them to do is just - just come back so things can be the way they use to be. But they won't... so you just have to deal with it and it hurts...hurts like hell!" She sniffed and cried. Shawn walked up to her, wrapping his arms around her, she was making him cry as well.
Mundo was standing by the sink crying too, snottin' and sniffin', "I can't take this shit man... ya'll got me all upset. I can't eat now either." He sniffed and cried. Shawn chuckled and held his arm out to him, Mundo went into it as well.
"Why you all cry - ing?!" Isaac asked, getting sad, his lip quivering.
Shawn shook his head in disbelief. "I'm sorry you guys, calm down... we'll be okay... hey... we got each other right? You know I love you guys don't you?"
"We love you too." They both stated at the same time hugging him.
Mundo didn't care, this was his papah-Shawn, being the first to pull away, he cleared his throat ordering, "Crystal call mama!"
"No... don't... when she's ready to speak to me, she'll call me."
"Shawn... don't... don't ever leave my mama... don't... ever leave us." Crystal pleaded softly.
Shawn pulled her back in for a tighter hug than before, hearing her say that brought more tears to his eyes. "I promise I won't... I'm here to stay. You have my word on that."
Later that night, back across the street, Shawn lay on the floor in his studio office. Angela was sleeping, Jake was out cold on the sofa sleeper, and he left Mundo and Crystal with a reminder to Mundo that first thing after taking Angela back to school, they would be seeing to him and getting him registered for school. Shawn brought some of his CD's over from the house, and now laying as he was, Al Green's bluesy voice sang, 'Tired Of Being Alone.'
I'm so tired of being alone
I'm so tired of on-my-own
Won't you help me girl
Just as soon as you can
People say that I've found a way
To make you say that you love me
Hey baby, you didn't go for that
It's a natural fact
That I wanna come back
Show me where it's at, baby
I'm so tired of being alone
I'm so tired of on-my-own
Won't you help me girl
Soon as you can
I guess you know that I, uh, I love you so
Even though you don't want me no more
Hey hey hey hey, I'm cryin' tears
All through the years
I'll tell ya like it is
Honey, love me if you will
Shawn knew the words, word for word and sang softly along with his arm laying over his eyes, regardless of the tears rolling. He was trying not to think, didn't have to think, the music was saying exactly what he felt. Laying still, he let it wash over him, Al Green, B. B. King, Ray Charles, Bobby Womack. All the music Jesse use to listen to, all the music he now loved to listen to. Hurting the way he was, he needed to hear that he wasn't the only man who loved a woman the way he loved Sylvia. Didn't matter how she claimed to love him, to him love meant being there. He was there. Right there... at home with their children, trying to make their home what she wanted. The one lyric stuck in his mind as he clicked the repeat button to listen to, Tired of Being Alone again... "I guess you know that I, uh, I love you so - Even though - you don't want me no more..."
He sniffed and sat up grabbing the roll of toilet paper and blowing his nose, to hear the phone ring. He leapt to his feet and rushed out of his work room and snatched up the phone. "Hello?" He answered and walked back into the room, closing the door, turning down the music a bit.
"Hi... its me. So you made it home safe."
"Yeah... so you care hm?! My sweet ghost... flitting in and out, touching every one but me... your goddamn husband! You said vows to me! You swore before GOD and man, for better or for worse! So what's all on your list... hm?! Break Shawn... cut him in two?! Make him beg?! That on your list?! Hm? Is that what you want... me to beg?! Would that make you feel better?! Would - that make you come home... to hear me beg! Huh?!"
"Why do you refuse to understand Shawn
!? I'm not doing this to hurt you!"
"DAMMIT WELL YOU ARE... YOU FUCKING ARE!!!" He was so angry he hung up on her this time. "See how you like that!" He snapped, sniffed and then coming to his senses, he realized what he'd done. "Oh shit! Oh shit... oh no... call me back. Baby call me back! FUCK!!!"
He held the phone and waited and waited and waited. She didn't phone him back.
In Chicago, Sylvia lay in bed, in her hotel room on her back with her heart pounding. Chewing on her bottom lip, she fought with herself and started crying, because she knew she was hurting him and it hurt her. But if she went home now, she'd be back to growing in irritation because all chance and opportunity for her would be lost. She was tempted to call him back and try to explain herself... to help him understand. Knowing Shawn as she did, he would not understand. He understood one thing and one thing only... her being there with him where he could touch, hold and see her face and feel her next to him.
She took a deep breath.
"Calling him is not helping... its making it worse." She said out loud. She looked to her laptop. Rising from the bed she went to it and sat down and emailed him.
An hour later after wondering around the house, looking lost and forlorn, Shawn went back into the basement, treading softly not to wake anyone up, he went back into his office and decided to get a little work done. He knew he needed to get some sleep, but sleep would not come to him. Turning on his computer, he couldn't help himself, he checked his email. There waiting for him, was an email from his wife.
From: Sylvia M. McPherson
Date: 05/14/2004 10:30:28
To: Everett Styles
Subject: Please give me this...
My husband... I beg you. Give me this.
Of all the things I would have in order for you to express your love for me... I ask you for this one gift. The gift of a little time. There is nothing - nothing - that I need more right now, than that. Time. I know what you're thinking after reading that. That if I loved you, I would need to be with you. What can I say? I am what I am. I feel what I feel. I need what I need... and now... its this. Does that make me selfish? Cruel? Uncaring of what I'm putting you through? Okay... if it makes you feel better to label me so... then be my guest. I will wear it - because I cannot reverse what I have begun.
While you certainly doubt it - I must say this anyway. I love you. From the top of your head, to the soles of your feet and everything in between that makes you into the man I know you are. Am I risking us... by doing this Shawn? Am I guilty of taking you for granted? Perhaps... once again, guilty as charged. Yet... the only thing I can do to make it right, is to come home. Two simple words. Come - Home. To me... Go - Home. So simple hm? Well I can't. Not yet. Call me childish! Call me reckless! But this is it. This is my one - one time. I'm not stupid... I know what life - time - children - marriage - home - business - obligation - the day in and the day out will do. It will remove all possible means for me to fulfil what I NEED to do for ME - Me Me Me Me Me!!! YES! Its all about me dammit! Its all about me! Okay!??
Do you now - love me less? Are you now saying, it takes some nerve for me to ask that? I am your wife - and just as you said to me, that I made a vow to you - you made one to me... for better or worse! Well... here it is! My prayer is this... that this be the hardest thing we ever have to do... and that is being away from each other. So - yes, I'm expecting you - to understand - and to be there for me when I decide to finally come home. I'm your wife... you have a responsibility to give me what I want, and what I need. What I need is this. When I get home, it will be my turn, to give you what you want... and what you need.
Goodnight my husband... and I thank you in advance, for granting me this time.
Your wife... I love you.
If a cartoonist was available to draw Shawn at that moment, he would have drawn him with smoke coming out of his ears. He quickly hit the reply button, added his thoughts on the matter and sent it off to her.
From: Everett Styles
Date: 05/14/2004 11:35:28
To: Sylvia M. McPherson
Subject: You got it baby...
BULL - FUCKING SHIT!!! I'm after your ass now! Lady... you're about to find out who the fuck I am! For one... your goddamn husband! When I get done with you, that you will never forget again... GODDAMMIT!!! So get on that list... cause when I find you... consider it complete!
Goodnight my wife!
Your goddamn puppet on a string! Better known as... Mr. Moron across the road!
P. S. I love you.... too much! Lucky you... because there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
==============================================
From: Sylvia M. McPherson
Date: 05/14/2004 10:30:28
To: Everett Styles
Subject: Please give me this...
My husband... I beg you. Give me this.
Of all the things I would have in order for you to express your love for me... I ask you for this one gift. The gift of a little time. There is nothing - nothing - that I need more right now, than that. Time. I know what you're thinking after reading that. That if I loved you, I would need to be with you. What can I say? I am what I am. I feel what I feel.
......................................."
Reading the reply for the fourth time, chewing on her bottom lip, all Sylvia could think to say was.
"Oh shit..."
Chapter 95
Thursday morning - Wisconsin...
Shawn woke the next morning driven. His blood, body, mind and system infused with a surge of determination to get things done and to find his wife. He'd finally gone to bed after one in the morning. Last night he reached the conclusion that it was time to revert back just a little bit to the other Shawn... that slightly ruthless side of him that could be a piece of work when he wanted to be. He wasn't a stupid man. He didn't need a degree in psychology or sociology to know that his wife was trying to get in the last few dregs of a life she felt denied her by the earlier choice errors she made. Very well, so be it. Thanks to Sheila, he understood that she went straight from her mother to Armundo who basically treated her like shit. He understood and could see, now looking back, all the areas where she'd made many sacrifices for her first family, that first time being a wife and mother. He could see and understood how he'd stepped up to the plate just at a time when she thought all that she'd ever dreamed of for herself was within her control - and then - bam! There he was altering the scene.
He stepped from the shower drying off and quickly dressed. His mind working. Admittedly... and he knew that he must admit it - he rushed her. He came on like a Mack truck giving her little room to see beyond what he wanted. Admittedly - he'd gotten her pregnant. Yes, the condoms had been on, with little holes carefully placed to give a little help to make sure they ruptured. He'd lied about the second day the second time. Both times on the second day he'd actually pierced the condoms. Praying all the while that she would get pregnant. No - he hadn't asked her what she wanted to do first. He hadn't asked what things she had planned for the next two or three years. He hadn't asked, simply put, because he'd been in a hurry. He was 42 years old! He wanted more children and he wanted them - now! If he'd allowed her the time to think, to see too far ahead, she may have denied him this. He would have loved to court her the long and romantic way, and develop their relationship gradually. Planning and organizing their lives slowly, if this had been 20 years ago!
Time was not on his side, nor hers. If he hadn't taken matters into his own hands and put it to her as he had, his Jesse James wouldn't be in the making. "Hell with that! Goddammit... I want what I want, and I want it now! Wasted enough of my life! Whether you like it or not, Sylvia McPherson, you're the one baby! My wife! I don't know what you're up to - but it's all gonna come to a stop once I find you... and baby... I will find you! You can run - but you sure as hell can't hide! Why didn't you just tell me what you wanted?! I would have listened."
Shawn ignored that one personality trait of his, the o
ne that could maneuver and overwhelm a person and make them exhausted until they just gave what he wanted. He wasn't dumb, he knew he was guilty of that with Sylvia. Once he had made up his mind that he loved her, wanted her, had come to the conclusion that finally... there was a woman that fit his ideals of the perfect one, as Jesse had often described her, one that he saw standing beside him, as the mother for his children - he ignored all else - and went full steam ahead.
It was 5:30am - and he was in her office going through everything. He found her banking information. He found her credit card statements, he went over her desk and room with a fine tooth comb, looking for passwords into her email account and other accounts. After about an hour of searching, he stood with a smile on his face and what he needed to track her down. He sat at her computer, after finding her little posted note passwords she'd tucked here and there, and was able to get into her computer. He sat using those passwords and got into all of her email accounts. He found her information for online banking, and went into her account. He went into her statements and started jotting down all the transactions done through that account in the last 48 hours. He wrote down all the places listed where she withdrew money from the cash machines. Charges made to her account. As he sat making a list, he was able to see the amount of money she was spending. It was no little bit. He could see what she spent for the car she just bought, once he called the finance company, he would find out what dealer she'd gone through to make the purchase. He noticed that there was a consistent branch ATM she was using, he wrote that down and would track its location as well. He smiled, so in love with modern technology, with debit and credit cards... they left a trail. He would soon be on that trail.
BOMAW 4-6 Page 30
