"Momma please - she killed herself! I destroyed her life!"
"Jake for Pete's sake - she made a choice for herself! She set herself for a fall she couldn't get up from! You're giving her all the honor she deserves by showing up before one and all and bidding her a rest in peace - which is what she most wanted... peace. She chose it, now see this through, lay your flowers down Sunday, which is the day of her funeral and burial by the way. Lay your flowers down son, say your goodbye... then turn and walk away."
"You make it sound so easy. Like its as simple as that. But you didn't see the look in her eyes before she put that gun in her mouth. You didn't see that mom. Tell me... how do I get that out of my head?"
"By replacing it with something else. I know it in my heart, you tried to part with her because of Vivian. You saw in that young woman, the same things I see... a better future, a better life. If you let her in, she will erase that image if you let her. Re-direct your thinking... you're allowed. You're allowed to realize where you've gone wrong all this time, and recover enough to make a better life for yourself. You're allowed that Jacob Patrick! Don't let Doris rob you of something better."
"She's hurt mom."
"She's dead Jake!"
"Not Doris...not Doris..."
"Who? Vivian?"
"Yes... she's... gone through something that will make it impossible for us. She's afraid of me... and... with good reason. She'd be a fool to trust herself with me."
"So there is something there? Then its not impossible."
Jake was quiet and fighting it.
"Tell me son, talk to me. You know, over the years... you've been able to tell me just about anything and I've listened haven't I? I mean, we've had some really long discussions, have I ever told you wrong?"
"No... of course not."
"I'll leave you alone on it, if you can tell me... there's nothing there. That in the little time you spent with Vivian... you saw nothing. You felt nothing. Nothing within you stirred, not even a little bit. That she hasn't crossed your mind once since then... tell me that... and momma will leave it be. Because son, I don't want anything for you... that you don't want for yourself. 'Cause if you don't want it... you ain't gone treat it right no way... and so, you might as well not have it. Is that the case with her?"
"MOM!!! Why do you have to freakin' do this!? I don't wanna think about it!"
"What's there to think about Jake?! You either want her or you don't. Simple as that. No thought needed."
"UGGGGH!"
"Is that your answer?" Gert asked, grinning... trying not to do a dance. Of course her voice didn't reflect that.
"She's been through hell already mom! To get her... is going to take work! To get her to trust me - is going to take time!"
"And you have what to do?"
"She lives in Chicago!? I live in Wisconsin! Have you forgotten that one fact?"
"Son... you're telling me everything but what I ask you. Did I ask you all of that? I ask you a simple question. I'll repeat it for the sake of-..."
"YES! I - UGGGH! Jeez! Yes... I - I - want her... dammit!"
"That's all momma wanna know. Why was that so hard?"
"Because... I don't want - to want her! I just don't want to. Wanting her - made me break it off with Doris... now look at it."
Gert felt anger surge through her again at what Doris had done to her son. She didn't care about what her son had done to Doris, because he was a man, doing what many men do if you let them. She let him. Doris had wanted her precious son, and when she got him, she couldn't take not being able to keep him. That as far as Gert was concerned, her problem, one that she solved for herself by taking her life. She was angry, because her solution was the cause of her son's fall.
"All I see son, is that you are now free... finally - free."
"Leave it alone mom. Leave it alone."
"Jacob Patrick... we all... get only one. If we're truly blessed... maybe - maybe some of us are blessed to have a second chance at another one. I'm talking about that one somebody tailor made for you. That someone made to fit you... just the way you like the fit. You linger about too long, and let someone take your one true fit... nothing will ever feel the same again. Because you'll always long for that one - that got away. You better wake up son, wake up and get on with it."
"I swear... don't matter how grown your kids get - their lives always seem to stay centered in your own." Gert announced climbing back up to the attic stairs, rejoining Sylvia and Shanna who were going through boxes of old pictures, baby clothes and finding things once belonging to Shawn.
"Momma that's probably because you stay in the center of your kids lives." Shanna spoke up with her opinion.
"Well thank you young lady for that! We'll see how you are should you have children of your own. Ain't that easy to just back out and leave them to it. 'Specially when you see them making choices that will end them back at your door with their faces long and asking, "What happened momma, why'd it turn out like that?"" Gert stated with a pointed look at her daughter.
"Well thank you momma for that. What are you tryin' to say?"
"Listen here gal! I'm sayin' exactly what I said - you wanna apply it to yourself... be my guest - far be it from me to try and wrestle it from you. By the way, when's your divorce date?"
Shanna made a face at her mother's deliberate jab.
"Eh hm, that's what I thought." Gert went on, "Now where were we? Ah yeah... getting these things out to clean up for you and Jesse James." Gert stated looking at Sylvia, who wasn't about to cross swords with Gert. Because of her own children, she knew how true her words, she said instead. "Jesse James huh? Lord you guys gonna have my child set up from the start running from the law with a name like that."
"Oh no he won't... Shawn's not gonna have it. I must admit, I like the name as well." Shanna added pulling things from a box, sorting girls clothing from the boys.
"Jesse James?" Sylvia repeated again shaking her head, then sighed deep envisioning what he might look like. Suddenly, her mind conjured the sound of Shawn's deep voice calling out to him, and yes... she could see, as well hear the name, Jesse James coming from his mouth, and a stunningly beautiful Cafe au lait 2 year old little boy, looking just like his father all but in skin tone, running and laughing from him. The image brought a smile to her face. "Jesse James."
"Fits doesn't it? Kind of grows on you." Gert remarked watching Sylvia adjusting, gradually accepting her son's choice of name.
"He's that set on it?" Sylvia asked them.
"Oh yeah he is. He calls him that now, as if it's a foregone conclusion." Shanna informed her.
Sylvia sighed shaking her head, knowing deep inside, she would not deny him that, especially knowing how much it means to him, how much his friend Jesse had meant to him. She turned her attention back to the clothes they were going through, "I can't believe you still have all of these clothes of his."
"Truth is, all the boys wore them. Had to get rid of some, but the things that held up through time... I kept. Like that little suede leather jacket... Shawn just loved wearing that, he had a little cowboy hat that went with it. Had to get rid of it. Let me tell you my Jake worked that hat over. Its a miracle that jacket survived."
Sylvia couldn't imagine her husband so small, wearing the little jacket she held up before her. It might fit a 2 year old. Considering that it went through three boys, it was in incredibly good condition. "Gert you really did take good care of things. I can't believe some of the stuff we've found, and the way it looks."
"Well... look through'em, if you want anything say what and its yours."
"Why didn't Meribel go through these things and get some of them?"
"Didn't offer them to her. Derricks not the oldest son, Shawn is - so I saved it all for his sons." Gert spoke up honestly.
Sylvia looked up at her, not sure of how to take that. "Is there any resentment about that? From Derrick or Meribel?"
"Naw... Derrick never asked for them, and I never brought i
t up. Besides, their boys got plenty from us believe you me. And Jake wasn't married to any of his boy's mothers, so they weren't getting them. Let's get this crib uncovered over here... wait until you get a look at this." Gert invited as they moved trunks and boxes to get to the crib. When it was unburied, Gert cut the ties holding the throw cloth over it to protect the wood. When it was uncovered and Sylvia took her first look at it, tears came to her eyes. She couldn't explain it, it just happened that way.
"My father had this crib made for Shawn, by this old black man who was a carpenter down South. He did all the carving in the headboard and foot board. Every bit of the wood is solid oak, stained and varnished to perfection. It came all the way from South Carolina with us. All my children slept in this crib. If we take care of it, it will last for years to come. If you want it... Jesse James will sleep in it as well. Do you... want it?"
Gert needn't have asked, Sylvia was sniffing back tears as her hand stroked over the smooth wood. Again, imagining her husband sleeping in it, and next, his son... Jesse James. "Yes, I want this. Please... I want my son to sleep in this."
"Glad to hear it, I'll have Shawn come and pick it up later. Its so nice to have you here sweety, why don't you stay?" Gert asked.
"I can't... as a matter of fact, I should probably get ready and leave now." She announced.
"Oh Sylvia... do you have to? Shawn is having a really hard time with you being gone like this." Shanna informed her.
"Shanna - you just leave her be. She knows what she needs - and she knows what she's doing. Your brother will survive. It ain't gonna kill'im! Look honey, all I ask from you is this. Be careful, guard Jesse James and don't do anything to jeopardize him, neither yourself for that matter. Get this, whatever it is you feel you need to do, out of your system. I know what its like when you feel you need to do something and you need to do it alone. Just hurry up and get it done, so you can get home. Just... don't leave tonight. Leave in the morning if you must... and make sure, you're back in time for the burial. I've given you the time and where to meet us all... that's all I ask."
"Thank you. Yes, I'll leave in the morning." She said, so grateful that Gert understood, turning to Shanna, "Shanna... I love Shawn. I do, but I'm not going to ignore this need in me. I set aside all I've wanted to do with my life the entire time I raised my children. I thought I had time to get around to it and there I was finally, alone and dragging my feet. Then I met Shawn, and look at me now. I can't divide myself when I have a child to look after. If I'm going to taste a few of the things I've always wondered about, or longed to try, or do - now is the time. Once the baby is here, I have to see to my baby. I don't want to be leaving him and taking from him something he will need... a mother. I was there for my other two, I will be there for this one as well. That's why I'm driven now to just... have this little adventure - something to look back on later and smile about. What I'm doing means nothing to no one, but myself... and I'm doing it, for myself. In my whole life, I don't think I've ever been selfish - but - I'm guilty this time - when I'm done - its back to being your brother's wife, and the mother of his children. I'll be ready by then."
"I guess, but why must you do it away from home... from Shawn?"
"Shawn controls everything Shanna! Everything! He is so... so... domineering! That's why I'm not home. I need time to adjust myself, my thinking to him and what I'm going to have to put up with for rest of my days being married to a man like him! Gert - your son is a trip! He can be so - infuriating! I need this time to just - let go of everything I planned before... and get on track to what my life is now going to be, being married to him."
Gert laughed in sympathy. "Darlin', you have my sympathy, I'm so sorry for you because truth is, he's just like me. I hate to admit it - but my son is me - inside and out - just add testosterone! So I know what you're saying is true. Domineering, yes. Controlling, yes. Want everything his way, yes. Just like me. But he does love you ever so much, and he is a good man, inside and out. He loves with such a passion that it's scary, I know. Even so, he means well, he is sweet as pie too, you must know that side of him and how much he loves you... don't you?"
"Yes... I know he does... and I love him just as much. Yes... there are all of those qualities as well, as well a few others you've missed by the way, I'll keep those to myself though." Sylvia grinned and winked.
They all laughed, and then on a serious note again, she added, "But I have to get my mind set on him and how to deal with him. Its not easy. Everything else in my life, I can pretty much handle. I'm pretty firm, strong and absolute about whatever things may be... only not with him. Lord... he drains me. I can't go up against him, not for very long. No matter how mad, or determined, or what decisions I make, if that's not how Shawn wants it - its not going to be that way! I can stand and argue with him, which does little good - but I do anyway just to make sure I'm heard. Then I try to ignore him, give him the cold shoulder - HA! All he has to do is - is - look at me a certain way... use that voice on me - oh my God ... and - well... touch me... everything in me - just - falls at his feet. I give in. I can't help it... with him, I am totally and unquestionably... weak. I admit it. He does it to me... I can't fight it. So - this is my one last hold on full control and freedom from the rule of Shawn!"
All three women laughed, Shanna understood only too well.
"You poor thing... you have nothing but my support. Besides, nothing wrong with keeping a man on his toes. You give 100% of everything you are and they start to take you for granted. Long as you stay faithful to him - I'm behind you." Gert stated honestly.
"Are you kidding me? Faithful to him? What woman in her right mind, would even consider bringing on another man when you have one like Shawn?"
"That's what you say, but he's been with girls who've cheated on him, you know how things were with him and Jake."
"They were young and stupid Gert. I can tell you this... I'm a one man woman and Shawn Everett McPherson... is more man at times than I can handle! Besides that - I've never known I could love someone the way I love him. He grips me in a way that can never be explained. Temper and all, he's all the man I need. So - don't worry about that - I could never be unfaithful to him, not ever. He's what I want - and then some, period."
Chapter 99
Friday...
Shawn had the blues again. It was one week since they married and they were apart. He had a wife, and hadn't a clue of where she was. He'd made love to Sylvia many times, but never to his wife. Although they were one and the same woman, he wanted to lay her down and touch her knowing - that she was his - his wife. Over the passing week he was in a constant battle of fantasizing about her. Aroused by his own mental images. It didn't help that he spent so much time looking at the pictures he'd taken of her. He was spending too much time late into the night, painting an image of her from one of the pictures he'd taken. He was losing sleep day by day and at some point, it was going to catch up to him. He couldn't help it. He either worked through the night until his eyes could not stay open or he paced back and forth, wearing a trench into the floor, thinking - thinking - thinking until he was dizzy with exhaustion that finally forced him to bed. Until that happened, he was busy daydreaming of the moment he found her. Wondering where that would be? He was hungry for her. Everything in his system was on full charge with a need to love her and love her passionately. The way he felt, if it hadn't been for the fact that she was already pregnant with his child, she would be once he was done with her. There was a very small desire within him that wish she were not pregnant at this moment because of the power of his arousal. Because of the strength of his need to penetrate her body, hard and deep. With his child in her womb, he would not dare turn loose that which was building within him, but oh how he longed to do so. Constantly, he found himself trying to snap out of it. He had to shake his thoughts and get on with what he knew needed doing. The busier - the better.
As Jake decided to stay busy, he knew the key was for him to do the same. With Jake, Mundo and Cr
ystal's help, even with the boys around - they'd gotten a lot done to the house the Thursday evening before. The guys that Jake called to help them with building the house across the road came and stayed for a while, pitching in while they were there, getting to know Shawn, listening to him and the plans he had for the house as they worked. He'd been working on the layout on his computer and they took a break to look at it. Once he completed the virtual structure of it on his cad program - he would take the disk into Kinko's and have it printed out. They could already see where he was going with it and added suggestions that he took on board. After a couple of hours, they left and the four got back to work. Going late into the evening talking. Shawn learned quite a few things more about his wife from her children. The one blessing of it all, with her absent, he and her children grew increasingly closer. They only had each other, and Jake. He smiled thinking about his brother. He was the last person he expected to be living with him, helping him accomplish so much so soon. They were a pretty good team. As for cooking, it was either him or Crystal. Everyone including Crystal preferred his cooking. She most certainly did not have her mother's skills at the stove. This, Mundo knew and warned Shawn and Jake about. Who sat making it impossible for Shawn, Angela and Jake not to laugh while he joked about her cooking. She tried to fry chicken, make macaroni and cheese, with greens.
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