Space Team: The Guns of Nana Joan

by Barry J. Hutchison

  Lots of feet hurried along the corridor outside. Cal heard the sound of power packs being slammed into weapons.

  Something monstrous growled, and the guard who had been covering Cal swung his gun back to the door, instead.

  “What the fonk is going on out there?” Cal asked, as the footsteps that had hurried past a moment ago sprinted back in the opposite direction, screaming. There were far fewer of them this time.

  And then, as quickly as it had all started, the noises stopped. The two guards pressed themselves against the walls on either side of the door, their weapons trained on it.

  “Hey. Psst. Hey!” Cal whispered. “I’m in a direct line of fire from the door here. If someone comes in, I’m going to get shot, like, immediately. Can someone push me over to the corner or…”

  He stopped talking when both guards turned their guns on him. Cal would have put his hands above his head, if they weren’t already.

  “Hey, wait! Easy, guys. Whatever’s going on out there, it is nothing to do with me!”

  A fist punched through the wall right by the head of one of the guards. It was a large fist, and made of metal. Cal recognized it immediately.

  “Wait, no, I tell a lie,” Cal said, his face lighting up in delight. “Seems like it does have something to do with me.”

  The guard screamed as he was torn backwards through the wall. He fired wildly, and Cal tried to make himself as small a target as possible. Thanks to the shackles, the best he could manage was to makes his hands into fists and curl up his toes, but luckily the blaster bolts came nowhere near him.

  The second guard was less fortunate. As the first fired blindly, one of the shots ricocheted off the blade of one of the room’s many torture devices. It scorched a hole straight through the exposed part of the guard’s face, and he went down without a sound.

  The guard who was now out in the corridor was being less stoic about the hand fate had dealt him. He screamed for quite some time before a heavy, immensely solid-sounding thud silenced him, save for the faint ssssshk of him sliding down the wall.

  The door to the cell shook on its hinges a couple of times, then flew open. A hulking cyborg stood in the doorway.

  “Finally,” said Cal. “What kept you?”

  Mech said nothing for a moment or two, then: “What can I say, man? Traffic was a fonking nightmare.”

  He clanked into the room, glancing down at the dead guard. “It’s OK, he got hit by a stray shot,” said Cal.

  Mech grunted. “Weren’t no stray shot.”

  “Shut up!” said Cal. “There’s no way that was on purpose.”

  “Of course it—!”

  Something detonated against the back of Mech’s metal skull, staggering him. He opened his mouth, and a little puff of smoke emerged. “See what I mean?” Mech scowled. “I literally been in the same room as you for three seconds, and already I been shot in the back of the head.”

  His scowl curved slowly upwards into a smile. “But man, I’ve missed this shizz,” he said, then he turned the dial on his chest to his right, just a fraction. “Be right back.”

  He turned with a surprising burst of speed and launched himself through the wall. “Who did that?” he demanded. “Who fired that? Was that you?”

  “W-what? N-no! No, please, don’t!” wailed a man’s voice from a little further away.

  “Get back here, shizznod!”

  “Hey there, handsome.”

  Cal looked to the door to find Miz looming there, her claws fully extended, her fur matted with blood.

  “Miz! Are you a sight for sore eyes! Get me out of this thing,” Cal urged.

  Miz strolled over and looked him up and down. “Oh, wow. This thing looks totally awesome.”

  “Meh. From my point of view, not so much,” Cal said. “Wait, are you eating something?”

  Miz stopped chewing for a moment, then started again. “Maybe.”

  “Do I want to know what it is?”

  Miz swallowed. “I doubt it.” She traced a clawed finger down Cal’s side, from just below his armpit. “So, like, you’re completely helpless in this thing, right?”

  “Pretty much,” Cal said, squirming slightly. “Hence why I’m keen to get out of it.” Mizette’s eyes fell to his crotch. “Uh… whatcha doing there, Miz?” he asked.

  “Like… completely helpless?”

  “Yes,” said Cal. He swallowed. “Well, I mean, I guess I could still scream…”

  Miz licked her lips hungrily. “There’s something I’ve wanted to do to you for a long time,” she whispered. She leaned in closer until Cal could see nothing but fur, smell nothing but blood and the unmistakable whiff of wet dog.

  “Miz? What are you…? Miz?”

  The restraints released. Miz snorted and leaned back, a grin curving below her snout. “Oh man, like, you should totally see your face right now,” she said.

  Cal sprang to his feet, laughing a little too hard. “What? Oh! Hahahaha! Good one. You got me!”

  “You totally thought I was going to, like, mount you or whatever, right there on the table.”

  “Hahaha! Well, no, I mean…”

  “I could have, if I’d wanted to,” Miz pointed out.

  “Well, hahaha, yes. But you’re with Mech now, so I knew you wouldn’t.”

  Miz waved a clawed hand. “What? Oh, no. That’s done. I’m so over that.”

  “Oh,” said Cal, disappointed. He wasn’t sure whether he was disappointed for them, or for himself. Probably a bit of both. “That’s a shame.”

  Miz shrugged. “We didn’t connect. You know, like, emotionally, or whatever? We both like, like, fighting and stuff, but beyond that, we didn’t really have all that much in common. Not enough to sustain a relationship, anyway.”

  “I see,” said Cal.

  “And he doesn’t have a penis, so there’s that, too.”

  “Gotcha,” said Cal. “I can see why that would be an obstacle. Or, you know, not, as the case may be.”

  Screaming and gunfire had been going on throughout Cal and Mizz’s exchange. It stopped now, and was replaced by the thudding of mechanical feet drawing steadily closer.

  “All clear,” said Mech, ducking through the door. “But reinforcements will be on the way. We should move.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” said Cal. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, or anything – I’m glad you guys are here – but how did you find me?”

  Mech raised his forearm, showing off the display screen built into it. “I been tracking you this whole time,” he said. “You think I’d let you just go off and do your own thing without keeping an eye on you?”

  “You were looking out for me?” said Cal, feeling genuinely quite touched.

  “No, man. I wanted to make sure you didn’t end up living next door to me.”

  “Oh.”

  “Or I’d have moved.”

  “I get it. Thanks for that.”

  “Zertex has got Loren,” said Miz. “We have to go and, like, rescue her.”

  “I know,” said Cal. He turned towards the door, then turned back. “Wait, you want to go save Loren?”

  “Of course,” said Miz, sniffing as if offended. “She’s one of us. She’s one of the team.”

  Cal smirked. “The job was that bad, huh?”

  “Ugh, it was terrible,” Miz groaned. “They expected me to talk to people, give them drinks, or whatever. One time, they told me to clean glasses. Me! I mean, can you imagine?”

  Cal shook his head. “No. No, I cannot.”

  Mech beckoned for them to follow him out. “Come on, there are Tribunal ships out back, we can take one of them.”

  “Wait! We can’t. I have to go back to Nana Joan’s,” said Cal. “Where I work. There’s something I need to pick up.”

  “If it’s your paycheck, man, just leave it,” said Mech.

  “No, it’s… wait. Paycheck? You guys got paid?”

  Mech and Miz exchanged a glance. “Well, duh,” said Miz.

&nbs
p; “Of course we did,” Mech confirmed.

  “What?! Well why didn’t I get paid?” he demanded, then he shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. It’s not that, anyway, it’s a doohickey. You know, a thingy.” He mimed pressing a button, as if this would somehow make everything clearer. “That guy’s mom gave it to me. I slipped it into Higgsy’s pocket right before the Tribunal took me.”

  “Man, I have no idea what the Hell you’re talking about,” said Mech.

  “She told me I take it, so I must take it. I mean… right?” Cal said. “Which means we have to go back and get it, so I can take it with us. She said it was important.”

  “That didn’t make it any clearer at all,” Miz pointed out.

  “It actually somehow made it less clear,” Mech added. “Take what?”

  “The doohickey!” Cal sighed. “Look, I’ll explain later. But we need to get back to Nana Joan’s and then—”

  Everything after ‘and then’ was lost in the sound of an explosion, as the wall behind them erupted into dust and bits of gravel. Sunlight streamed in as Cal coughed and wheezed in the rubble-cloud.

  “Hey, what time is it? How long was I in here for?” he asked. The cloud settled a little, revealing a large shape looming just beyond it. “And is that… Is that a tank?”

  “Shizz. Move!” snapped Mech, pulling Cal aside and firing a salvo of blaster-fire from his arm cannon. Miz raced ahead, mostly upright, but occasionally using her arms as she bounded over rubble, debris and quite a staggering number of corpses.

  “Jesus, how many people did you guys kill?” Cal gasped, but before Miz could answer the tank opened fire again. Another wall blew outwards. Part of the roof caved in, blocking their route. “Mech, we need an exit!” Cal cried.

  “On it.”

  Mech pivoted to one of the building’s more stable-looking walls and charged. His hydraulics hissed as he launched himself through the brickwork, leaving a gaping hole behind him. Cal urged Miz through it, then hurried after her just as the floor detonated behind him.

  “You know what I said earlier about missing this shizz?” Mech called back over his shoulder. He charged through another wall and stumbled outside into fresh air. “I take it back. I want that on record.”

  Sirens howled from every direction at once. The tank was hidden by the remains of the Tribunal building, but Cal could hear it trundling across the rubble. Voices shouted around it in a way that suggested they definitely weren’t on Cal’s side.

  “Nana Joan’s,” Cal said. “Which way?”

  Mech hurriedly tapped the panel on his arm. “That way, but it’s a mile or so,” he said, pointing along the street. Despite the gunfire and explosions, the sidewalks were still crammed with people. Most of them were hurrying away, but a good few had stopped to watch the excitement unfolding.

  “Fonk it,” Cal spat. “We’ll never make it on foot.”

  He threw himself into the road, directly in front of an oncoming… car, he guessed. It was the width of a moderately-sized 4x4, but twice as tall. At the front, it was fat and curved, but tapered to a sort of pointed tail at the back. It reminded Cal of a big silver fish, as it hovered just above the ground on a rippling cushion of air.

  The vehicle hummed to a jerky stop just inches from Cal’s outstretched hand. “We are commandeering this vehicle in the name of Space Team,” he announced. The car tried to pull forward again, but Mech caught it by the tail and held it in place. Miz yanked the door open and pounced inside.

  A moment later, a man in an expensively-tailored suit tumbled out and landed in the road. “Hey!” he protested. “What are you doing?”

  “Don’t worry,” said Cal, hopping inside. “We’ll take very good care of it.”

  Cal looked around at the cramped interior. Miz was already hunched up in the back, her knees almost at her chin. The only other seat was for the driver, and it wasn’t really a seat at all. It looked more like a mechanical bull, with an assortment of levers and control sticks jutting out from the front part.

  “Mech, there’s no room for you in here. Can you…?”

  The car bounced around as Mech clambered onto its roof. “I’m on. Go!” the cyborg’s voice boomed from somewhere directly above Cal’s head.

  Cal swung his leg over the seat and onto the foot rest on the other side. His hands slipped naturally into the grooves of the two largest control sticks and he pushed them forwards in the hope the car moved.

  It didn’t.

  Cal yanked on another stick. Then engine screamed in protest and the vehicle gave a violent shudder. He quickly unyanked it.

  “They’re coming, man! Move!” Mech cried.

  “I’m trying!” said Cal. “Miz, have you ever driven one of these things?”

  Miz indicated her ridiculously compacted frame. “Do I look like I’ve ever driven one of these things?” she tutted. “This looked way bigger on the outside.”

  A blaster bolt ricocheted off something. “Ow!” Mech yelped. He returned fire. “Yeah, see how you like it!”

  Cal’s eyes darted across the controls. “Come on, come on,” he muttered, but nothing that said ‘this will make you move’ immediately jumped out at him.

  There was a glovebox in the front panel. Hoping to find some sort of manual in there, Cal stretched himself forwards. As his foot pressed on the foot rest, the vehicle screamed forwards, violently kangaroo-hopped a few times, then veered into oncoming traffic.

  “What the fonk are you doing?” Mech hollered. “Go left, go left!”

  Cal jammed the left stick forwards. This made him go right, and there was a jarring bang as another car clipped them.

  “Sorry! My fault!” Cal said. He swapped the position of the sticks and steered himself into the left-hand lane, which was completely clear all the way to the end of the road. “Hang on to something!” he cried, then he pressed his foot down harder on the pedal and the car pulled away, building up speed as it hurtled along the empty lane.

  The first corner took Cal by surprise. Technically, it wasn’t the corner that was the problem – he had seen it coming for quite some time – but rather the handling of the flying fish-car. While it was excellent at accelerating, it was less good at turning corners, particularly when travelling at high speeds.

  Mech grunted and grumbled as the car slammed sideways into the front of an office-block. Cal gunned the pedal and the engine’s complaints drowned out Mech’s.

  “Miz, are they chasing us?” Cal asked, powering back out onto the road. “Can you see?”

  “I can see the tops of my knees and, like, a third of your head. That’s it,” said Miz.

  An energy blast screamed past them and struck another car coming in the opposite direction. It careened off the road and smashed, nose-first, through a store front.

  “They’re still chasing us,” Cal said. “OK, everyone hold on!”

  Cal kicked harder on the pedal, but the car’s speed didn’t increase. From the sound the engine was making, they were going at top speed, yet the display on the dashboard suggested the thing had more to give.

  “Wait,” said Cal. “Wait… is this thing stick shift?”

  He yanked the lever he’d tried earlier. The engine’s whine became a throaty roar and the car shot forwards like a bullet from a rifle, weaving all over the road as Cal struggled to keep it under control.

  Panicking, he pressed down his other foot. This turned out to be the brakes. The car stopped immediately, and Cal watched in a sort of stunned silence as Mech was launched off the roof. Despite flailing wildly and hurtling through the air at tremendous speed, the cyborg still found the time to shoot Cal an accusing look, right before he slammed into the back of a delivery truck, crumpling the bodywork like wet cardboard.

  Cal pulled forwards again until he was level with Mech, just as he extracted himself from the wreckage. “Sorry! My fault again!” Cal said, then the car dipped again when Mech clambered onto the roof.

  “They’re coming. Go, go!”

 
Cal pulled forwards again, weaving awkwardly around the partially-flattened truck. He flashed the driver an apologetic smile as he passed on the wrong side of the road, then they were off again, gliding along the empty lane, getting faster and faster as they closed on Nana Joan’s.

  “How much further?” Cal shouted.

  “Two corners, left, then right,” Mech called back, his instructions punctuated by a couple of pew-pews from his arm cannon.

  The first corner came up fast. Cal touched the brake, just lightly this time, and swung them around the bend without hitting anything.

  “Alright!” he cheered. “I’m a natural.”

  The road curved into a swooping bend ahead. Cal powered towards it, but as he began the long turn, he realized he’d caught up with all the traffic that had pulled ahead of the car when he’d flagged it down. Cars chugged along slowly in both lanes, not quite nose to tail, but close enough to be a problem.

  “Shizz. We’re blocked!”

  “Well get us unfonking blocked!” Mech spat, firing off another volley of blaster bolts.

  Cal searched for an exit. He spotted a fence between two buildings, and caught a glimpse of an alleyway behind. The gap was narrow, but just wide enough.

  “Brace yourselves!” he warned, jamming the sticks so the car turned sharply in the road. He powered through a gap in the oncoming traffic, and then the fence was suddenly dead ahead, and rapidly getting closer.

  The wood became matchsticks as the car smashed through it.

  “Alright!” Cal cheered, before the vehicle stopped in a shower of sparks and a screech of metal on stone.

  Once again, Cal could only watch as Mech was launched from the roof. This time, the cyborg managed to give Cal the finger before he hit the ground and skidded along the alleyway in a tangle of metal limbs.

  “What happened?” Miz asked. “Why have we stopped?”

  Cal forced a smile. “Well, it appears this alleyway wasn’t quite as wide as I had anticipated,” he said.

  “We’re stuck?!”

  “We… I mean… That would be one way of putting it, certainly.”

  Voices boomed somewhere not too far behind. Cal tried the door, but it was jammed by the wall beside them. “OK, so we won’t be getting out that way,” he muttered.