by Hawkes, Cora
"He's coming over, Em. Ignore him if he's a dick." Newton whispered.
I could only bob my head in understanding. I took a breath, straightened my back, schooled my features into one of indifference and looked up.
The girl was from one of my classes and she was looking straight at me and smiling. Bitch. I smiled back, hoping my face didn't break.
I dug into my lunch unenthusiastically; it tasted like nothing but I needed to do something with my hands and eyes.
"Dude, get your slug off the table." Newton moaned.
I looked up then. Scott had sat down and placed her on the table in front of him. He was watching me. He was doing this purposely.
"Fuck you, asshole." Scott's girl spat at Newton.
"You’re a real lady, aren't you?" Newton returned.
The girl turned to Scott, "Are you gonna let him talk to me that way?"
"Leave her, Newton. You don't mind do you, Emma?" Scott's eyes were glassy.
I couldn't believe he was actually asking me if she could sit with us while he fondled her in front of me.
"Scott," Newton warned him, "leave her alone."
Scott focused on Newton, his eyes squinting, "Why do you care?"
What the hell is wrong with him?
Newton leaned forward so he was closer to Scott, "You're being a dick and she doesn't deserve this so back the fuck off."
I'd had enough, if Scott wanted to be a twat, then fine, but I wasn't going to sit here and watch Newton argue with his best friend over me. I was grateful to him for trying to help but I didn't want them to fall out over me.
"Wait, did you two…?" the girl waved a hand between Scott and I and laughed.
Scott looked at me and smiled with a cruel twist to his lips before looking back to the girl. "No, she's too prissy for me."
My throat thickened. Why is he doing this?
"That's not what I heard," her voice went down to a whisper, "I saw that video." She giggled.
"Scott!" Newton raised his voice.
I had had enough. I pushed my chair back and stood, anger pulsing through me. The bitch was going to get it any second. How dare she? How could he? I hated him. I wanted to knock his head off right there in front of everyone.
"Don't bother, Newton, the only girls he'll ever be good enough for is sitting right in front of him." I looked at Scott then and saw his jaw grinding.
idth="0" align="left">Good, I at least made him angry if nothing else. "Fuck off, bitch," the girl stood too and was shooting arrows through her eyes, but I just smiled.
"Fuck off, Bitch?" I mimicked and forced a laugh. "If you want a slanging match with me, I suggest you broaden your vocabulary considerably before uttering another word and giving me further reason to believe that you came from a settlement of inbred idiots."
The girl turned pink under her thick layer of foundation.
"Do yourself a favour and sit down." I shook my head, "You won't win with me." I spat.
She was burning red now but I didn't care. As far as I was concerned she deserved it; she had laughed at something that was personal — something that was a part of my past that I wanted to forget and Scott knew how much I hurt over that. I shot him a look of pure venom.
Scott's mouth was a tight line, his eyes dull as he looked away from me. I wanted to slap him so hard for being like this with me, for treating me as if I didn't matter. Did I mean anything to him? Obviously fucking not.
The shit of it was that I loved him, I felt my lips tug down then as my eyes had that familiar sting. I went to walk away but Newton grabbed my hand to stop me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Scott's gaze zero in on the touch. "You haven't eaten anything." Newton moaned.
"I'm not really hungry." I looked at Scott, "I didn't sleep well last night."
"Scott, she needs to eat so go have your lunch somewhere else if you're gonna be a fucking asshole." Newton wouldn't let go of me even though I tugged my at my hand.
Scott's eyes narrowed on us.
"I'm not hungry." Thi
s was getting silly. Newton meant well but couldn't he see that I wanted to go before I blubbed in front of everyone?
Scott sighed. "Sit down and eat, Emma."
We were getting odd looks from everyone and I noticed Kyle was on his way over. I sat down.
"Hey," Kyle's warm smile was exactly what I needed right now.
"Hey, you," I tried to be cheerful but it came out cracked.
He sat down beside me and flung an arm around my shoulder with a frown and looked at Scott and then back to me. He knew something was up. "You wanna go for some lunch with me?"
"Now?"
"Yeah, come on, my treat."
Relief swept through me. "That sounds good.”
I stood again. Scott's eyes were on me but I refused to look at him again.
I said bye to Newton and walked away.
"She doesn't fuckin' deserve that." I heard Newton say as we walked away. "What happened to you, man?"
ƀ
Chapter Thirty-one
I had seen a lot of Kyle since Scott had left. He was one of those people that was easy to be with, even if you haven't spoken in ages, you just jump right into conversation as though you talked every day. That's what I liked about him. He was into me but he knew I wasn't looking for that kind of thing and he knew that Scott and I had something but he never asked any questions — obviously, that wasn't the case anymore.
"Are you okay, sweet? You looked uncomfortable back there."
"I am now." I smiled and he let it drop.
We had a nice lunch and I actually laughed. He was so funny sometimes. He made me feel good. Why couldn't I love him? He was so nice and he never tried to take things further than friendship.
Two weeks went by and it was the same every night — loud music and girls. That meant no sleep for me, although Ash slept peacefully through it as she was a heavy sleeper. I was struggling with everything from course work to eating. Weeks of barely sleeping had got to me. I barely saw Scott which I was grateful for. When I did see him it was never pleasant, he blanked me and I was afraid of feeling what he made me feel in the cafeteria.
He hated me and I didn't understand why and there was no way in hell that I was going to confront him about it. My mood was all over the place, one minute I was angry, the other upset, which probably had a lot to do with my lack of sleep. Tonight though, I had had enough. It was almost four in the morning and I was raging. For the last few hours I had laid in bed seething at the noise from his apartment and the fact that he didn't give a shit about Ash and I, pissed me off even more.
He flaunted girls in front of me whenever he got the chance and I was sick, so bloody sick of it all. I threw the blanket off me and marched upstairs in my pyjama shorties and tank top, I didn't care. My anger carried me quickly and adrenaline pumped through me.
I got to his door and thought, fuck it, I'm not knocking. If he can invade my life, why can't I do the same? I walked straight in. I went through to the living room and stopped. It was as though someone had taken my breath and wouldn't give it back. I couldn't breathe. Scott was lying naked on top of an equally naked girl on the sofa. Her legs were parted wide to accommodate him as he moved rapidly over her, going into her.
His dark head was buried into her neck while one of his hands held her face away from him. I couldn't watch anymore, the pain erupting in my chest was too much. I lowered my gaze and paused as I caught sight of the coffee table. On it was an old DVD with white lines of powder on it and a rolled up bank note next to it. I knew it was cocaine straight away. I looked back to them, the girl was moaning now. She opened her glazed eyes then and saw me.
She pushed at Scott's chest, he frowned at her and then she nodded at me. Scott's lust-filled, hard eyes looked at me and I couldn't look away. Realisation and shock slowly dawned across his features. I stood there wide-eyed, unblinking — unbelieving that I was witnessing the horrible scene in front of me for the second time in my life. It was ve
ry similar to another equally hurtful event. I squeezed my eyes closed as the two meshed together in my head.
My heart was beating so hard and fast that I put a hand over it to touch the pain. I was breathing heavily and cool air hit the trails of my tears, cooling me faintly. I opened my eyes. Scott had put jeans on and was coming towards me. I didn't even need to think, I turned on my heel and ran.
"Emma!" He bellowed as he came after me, his voice rough.
I couldn't face him now. Everything was swirling around in my head, parts of the night I caught my dad with another woman and bits of what I had just seen. I was losing my mind, I needed to sleep. I needed to be away from this house. I needed to be away from Scott.
dth="0" align="left">It seemed like forever until I reached his door and ran out of it. My foot caught on a ruckle in the carpet and I couldn't get my balance. I was going down. The floor was coming for my face. Perhaps I could be knocked out for a little while — forget the hurt.
He caught me around the waist just in time and pulled me up.
"Get away!" I fought out of his arms but he seized me again and trapped me against the wall.
"What the fuck are you doing up here?" He shouted, anger rolling off him. His hands were on my shoulders shaking me. I couldn't bear for him to touch me; not with that girl still so fresh on his skin; not with cocaine running through his veins.
I closed my eyes against his angry ones and breathed for a moment. I just needed to be strong for a little longer. I would not give him the pleasure of letting him know how much he upset me. Be strong, girlie. I felt my mouth turn down in disgust as his hands were on me. "Don't touch me." I whispered. I opened my eyes and let my disgust and disappointment out.
He took his hands away from me quickly and put them through his hair, "Fuck, Emma!" His face was haggard and there was pain in his eyes as he looked at me.
I looked away. "I can't sleep, can you just keep the music down?"
"Is that why you came up?" he studied my face for a hidden answer.
I nodded, "Just keep it down for a few weeks and then you'll have
the place to yourself."
I turned my back on him and went down the stairs but he followed me into my apartment. He took my hand but I yanked it away. "Don't fucking touch me." My voice was forceful enough to make him stop.
"Just leave."
"What are you talking about, why will I have the place to myself?" his voice was hoarse.
"We've found another apartment. We leave in three weeks."
He crossed his arms and looked down.
I left him and went into my room and closed the door. I didn't care if I had just left him in my apartment, I just wanted away from him. I couldn't stand to look at him.
He was using drugs. Tears ran down my cheeks and into my hair. He was lost. I knew first hand how that could change someone. I wanted to scream at him for doing it to himself. Even though I tried hard not to care, I couldn't. I still loved him and everything he did lately hurt my heart. My head started to pound and I cried harder as memories of our better times came back to me in full colour.
ƀ
Chapter Thirty-two
I woke feeling nauseous, my body felt as though flames were licking me from the inside out and I was hurting everywhere. I tried to lift my head but that hurt too so I stayed where I was and drifted back to sleep.
The next time I woke was to something ice-cold on my forehead. I groaned and tried to shake it off. Opening an eye, I realised Ash was testing my temperature.
"She's burning up." Her voice seemed far away and strange to my ears. "Looks like flu." I didn't know who she was talking to and I didn't care.
I felt terrible. The sun was coming through the blinds, my eyelids fluttered as the bright light felt like needles being poked into my eyes.
"Emma? Sit up and take these painkillers." Ash put a cold hand behind my head.
"No!" My voice was distant to me like I was talking from inside a bubble.
I moaned hoarsely, everything hurt so much, every joint, every muscle.
Then something cold got stuck in my ear and arms held me down as I tried to get it out.
"Jesus christ, it's one-oh-five." A guys voice said.
Newton? What is he doing here in my room?
"I'm calling the doctor." Ash said. I could hear the worry in her voice.
"No, I want to sleep."
"She's out of it, babe, just call him and I'll keep an eye on her."
A heard a distant thud.
"Who's that?" Newton asked.
Ash mumbled something and then the room was quiet apart from my rapid breathing. What seemed like an hour later I heard a commotion getting closer.
"I'm not lying, Scott, she's sick."
"Ash, I saw her five hours ago and she was fine so don't fuckin' lie to me, I need to talk to her." Scott was there too.
"Five hours ago?" Ash said.
It must still be early.
"God, what's wrong with her?" Scott said.
I didn't want him to see me like this. I started crying and turned onto my side. I was so cold.
"Flu probably, I came in an hour ago and found her like this. She's got a temperature of one-oh-five."
I still couldn't open my eyes, my head was pounding and so sore. My scalp even felt sore. Warmer hands were suddenly on me, I knew instinctively that they were Scott's. He lifted me into his arms and I moaned at the pain in my head and body.
"Okay, baby, I got you." His voice was soothing but I caught a hint of shakiness in it.
"What're you doing?" Ash said, concern in her voice.
"Have you checked her for a fuckin' rash?" He growled and pulled my top up.
I moaned and tried to push his hands away but it was no use, I was too weak to fight.
"Why do you care, Scott? The way you've treated her since you got back is disgusting." Ash was angry.
I could imagine she had her fists balled and she was turning pink. A giggle escaped my lips.
I felt Scott stiffen beneath me and wondered why he would care.
"She can't sleep because of you and she barely eats! This is your fucking fault and I goddamn warned you to stay away from her." Ash was getting hysterical.
Scott sat me up and leaned me forward. His fingers run over my back, "Get me a clear glass." He ordered.
There was a pause and then a gasp.
"Oh god, I didn't think." Ash whispered.
"Ash, glass now," Scott ordered.
Everything was fuzzy. Was I dreaming this? What a funny dream to have. Like Scott would give a shit about me. I was really losing it. Was last night a dream too? I giggled.
"Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." His voice broke as though he was crying. He squeezed me close to him and kissed my forehead.
Scott's crying? Okay, I really am losing it. I giggled again and then winced and cried more. I didn't know why I was crying but I was far away from myself.
I felt weird. I wanted it to go away, I needed to sleep. A coldness was laid against my skin on my back going right through me and I bucked. Strong arms held me still. Scott's strong, uncaring arms that had been wrapped around girl after girl. I sobbed louder, at least I thought it was.
"Call 911, Ash."
I heard Ash in a panic on the phone crying. "Oh my god! I need an ambulance — my cousin — she…"
"Ash?" I rasped. I wanted to comfort her.
"She's okay, baby. Just relax."
I felt as though I was slipping away. My body started to shake uncontrollably from within and it wouldn't stop. My eyes shot open in fear. What is happening to me? I’m dying!
Scott's eyes were wide as he held me. "Emma, no!" Scott shouted before everything went black and a deep peace blanketed me.
I had flashes of bits and pieces but I couldn't tell one minute from the next or what order those moments went in.
My eyes opened and I knew straight away that I was in hospital. I had tubes attached to me.
The do
or opened quietly and Ash walked in. She had a coffee and she was typing something on her phone. Her blonde hair was tied back with wisps falling down around her ashen face making her eyes look sunken and tired. Her clothes were rumpled too and I frowned, Ash was always so neat.
She glanced at me, then back to her phone. Then she froze and slowly looked up, her eyes growing. "You're awake." A relieved grin spread on her face as tears made her eyes glisten. She pocketed her phone, put her coffee down and came to me.
I tried to smile but everything felt alien to me.
She sat down on the bed beside me, "How are you feeling? You gave us such a scare." She put her hand to my forehead in concern and tears rolled down her cheeks and her lips trembled. "I'm so happy you're okay." She took my hand and sniffed, "You nearly died, Em. I–" she squeezed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, "I nearly lost you."
I tried to smile but I felt as though it came out wrong. I remembered Ash calling an ambulance in a panic like I had dreamed it. My memories were surreal, like I had been drunk or tripping out.
