by Hawkes, Cora
He came close, “Don’t look at me like that, you need to stay hydrated.”
I nodded and was touched that he cared. My eyes widened then as the deejay started to play a remix of Feeling This Way by The Conductor & The Cowboy.
“I love this song!” I grabbed him and pulled him to me. I turned in his arms so that my back was to his chest and we danced. I waved my arms in the air and raised my head. Kyle was moving with me but he wasn’t crossing the line. I wished that I could love him. He was everything that a girl could need and he had a wicked sense of humour that tickled me in all the right places. But he wasn’t Scott.
Kyle moved his hands to my waist but I didn’t mind, I knew he wouldn't take it further. The song was one of my favourites of all time to dance to and I let my body get into the familiar groove as I sang loudly and, probably, very badly. I had that feeling again, that I was being watched. I did a quick scan and saw Scott leaning against the far wall watching me.
My heart jumped into my throat. He was standing there like a dark phantom with his hands tucked into his front pockets. His head was lowered as he watched me through hooded lids. He knew I had seen him but he didn't care or try to look away. He watched me as though it was his right, without shame or inhibition. He was pure male and I wanted him. There was no two ways about it – I felt as though he was mine and I had for a long time now.
The reason I was so hurt when I saw him with other girls was the same reason I couldn't stop thinking about him – I loved him. Soon, he would be leaving for From Under's From Un tour and I knew that I would miss the hell out of him. I would be miserable, waiting for a call, wondering who he was with — could I put myself through that? The question was: would I put myself through that just to save myself from being hurt?
I watched him watching me, the words I sang dried up on my lips as the words blurred, meshed together. Desire curled low down and it had nothing to do with the person I was dancing with. I hadn't seen him with a girl since that awful night before I went into hospital. Maybe he had changed. Could he love me? Surely he would have told me — he had so many chances to say it over the last week.
It was no good, I wanted him. I needed him. It was useless fighting it when we would both be unhappy. He needed someone right now and I wanted to be that someone. I loved him and I only wanted him. At the end of it all, I would rather live knowing love and regret than die not knowing how it felt.
My mums words came back to me – You have family around you and you're strong, Emma. Don't miss out on life because you're afraid of what might happen, that is no way to live, darling. We all need to love whether we regret it or not and you are no different from anyone else, my heart. Scott sounds as though he cares for you a great deal and he is probably frustrated and confused by your behaviour – I knew I was kidding myself all this time. I had thought that I would never get hurt; that I could go through life with a security blanket around my shoulders but I was hurting anyway.
The song ended and I told Kyle that I was going to the ladies and I would find him later. I walked through the crowd, towards Scott slowly, savouring every look that crossed his face as he watched me near him. He looked away from me and I stumbled. Why would he look away? I carried on regardless of his indifference.
I took his hand when I was close enough but he shook it off, I frowned.
“Go back to Kyle.” He spat at me.
I flinched. "I told you, Kyle and I are friends."
He laughed cruelly, "Yeah?" His amusement died, "Like we're friends?"
I frowned. Why was he being like this again? "Have you been–" I was about to say drinking.
"You know what? Don't answer that – I don't fuckin' care." He turned his head away from me.
Did he really not give a shit? I wouldn't believe that. I went close to him, “Please, dance with me?”
He looked down at me for moment, his eyes quickly masked his hunger and his jaw clenched. “Don’t play with me, Emma.”
That wasn't the answer I expected. “You don’t want to dance with me?”
He shook his head.
That stung. How do I let him know? How do I tell him that I had changed my mind after all I put him through — after all my rejections? “Why are you here?”
“To keep a fuckin' eye on you, why do you think?” his eyebrows pulled together as his eyes widened faintly. He looked away from me.
“You came to watch out for me but you won’t dance with me, even though I want you to?”
He came forward then and grabbed my upper arms, “You and me; it’s never gonna happen – I get it — but it doesn’t mean you can rub salt in the wound,” he shook his he shook had like he regretted saying that and released me.
“I'm n–”
“Just go back to your fuckin' fairy boy.” He walked away into the crowd and left me before I could say a word.
Hypocrite; that's the only word I could think of as I watched him walk away like he had a dildo shoved in his ass and I remembered every time that I had had to watch him with someone else. He knew Kyle and I were just friends but when he was with someone, I knew he would be taking her home. So, he thinks it's okay for him because he's a man or something? Anger spiked within me, making my blood boil and my face started to burn.
He rejected me because I danced with Kyle and he touched my waist. That was nothing compared to what I witnessed a couple of weeks ago when I caught Scott at it with some dirty, drugged-up slapper. It was about time he knew what I had been through.
I marched out onto the floor, asking myself again why I let him upset me and push my bitch-button. I started to dance with the best looking guy I could find within my reach, I got his attention almost immediately and he put his hands on my waist. I egged him on further by running my hands up to his neck. His hands went lower and were resting just above my ass.
I hoped Scott was watching this. I hated him right now. No, I didn't hate him, I wanted him to come and get me. But how dare he get so worked up about a dance when he had done so much more?
I went up to my tip toes and kissed him on the mouth. His hands went straight to my ass and squeezed as he pulled me into him. I would be so pissed if I found out that Scott wasn't watching this and I had let this guy molest me for no good reason.
I pulled away from him and went to find another guy but I saw Kyle and took the opportunity to tell him that I was going soon to get my head down, I said I was tired. He offered to take me but I said I would get a taxi. He hugged me and told me to call if I needed anything. He was so sweet, a nice person through and through.
The second guy was someone I vaguely knew from school, he wasn’t so forward so I moved onto the next and thats when I saw Scott. He looked dangerous and a little thrill went down my spine. His body was bunched, the muscles in his arms flexing as his fists clenched. His eyes were slits as he warned me not to go too far with this guy.
The guy turned me around and thrust his hips into my ass while his hands fondled my breasts painfully. Scott was watching so I played along but I hated it, he made me feel cheap and dirty. The guy wouldn't stop touching me. He then put his hand on my tummy and slid his hand down low so he was cupping me through my jeans. My eyes widened and as I spun to tell him to stop a fist flew past my face like lightning and smashed into the guys jaw. He stumbled back with a wide-eyed, dazed look.
Scott gripped my arm tightly and my wide eyes looked into furious green ones. Scott hauled me away and didn't stop until we were hidden under the staircase.
He caged me in so I couldn't go anywhere. “What the fuck are you doing?” he shouted so loud that I didn't need to be close to hear him. His neck was corded and his fists were ready to fly — prepared to fight anyone that got in his way.
“I was dancing! You wouldn't dance with me and I didn't want to dance alone. Why did you hit him?” I yelled back at him but I knew m but I the answer. I felt like a bitch for secretly revelling in the thought of Scott getting jealous.
"Are you seriously asking me why?
" his eyes bugged out. "You didn't want his hands on you, that's fuckin' why!"
"How do you know what I want?" my hands went to his chest and pushed but he wouldn't budge.
"It doesn't fuckin' matter, you’re not dancing again tonight." He sounded decided and he pushed his chest closer to me to drive home the fact that he was bigger and stronger than me.
"Yes, I am." I went to walk past him but he scooped his arm around my waist; his other went into my scalp where it clutched a handful of my hair and pulled so I was looking up at him as he rose to full height.
"Let go of me."
He looked down at me darkly. “You’re not going back out there.” He growled. “You’re better than that. I won't let someone else touch you because you want to hit back at me, I'm not worth it."
I gasped.
"Fuck! Why are you doing this to me?” he shouted.
I relaxed in his hold then and reached a hand up to his face, my own softening. "Isn't it obvious?"
He closed his eyes, then let me go and stepped back shoving his hands in his pockets. "No, it's not."
He let me go? I didn't understand. Last week he was saying how much he wanted me and now, when I try to show him what I want, he lets go? I closed the distance between us. I slipped my hand around the back of his head and brought his head down to mine.
Our lips joined and I felt Scott stiffen but as I moved my lips over his slowly, softly, he relaxed. My hand slid up into his glossy hair while my other went around his back. His hand cupped my cheek affectionately as his lips took the lead and we begun a slow, deep dance that went on and on until my heart was swelling, overflowing with love for him.
My lips were released and he placed gentle kisses on my cheeks, down my neck, hitting the sensitive part on the way.
I slipped my hands under his shirt and skimmed over his back, every muscle defined. "Scott," I moaned as he nipped me tenderly.
Without warning, he gently put me away from him and held me at arms length. His eyes were wide as he stared at me in shock.
I frowned, why did he stop us?
"Fuck sake, babe." A hurt expression crossed his face. "This has got to stop."
Rejection was like a slap across my already heated cheeks. I stepped back from him. Everything crashed in — where we were, the people around us, the music…
His expression was one I hadn't seen before — hard to read. I looked down. He rejected me again? I had made my move and he didn't want me. I felt embarrassed all of a sudden. I clasped my hands together.
I looked up at him. "You don't want me," I stated.
Surprise flared in his eyes, his hands came out of his pockets and he took a stilted step towards me. "I don't know where I fuckin' stand with you; I never have. All the times you've blown me off — all the fuckin' shit you put me through…" His eyes burned into mine.
He was right, I couldn't just change my mind like that. What shit had I put him through anyway? I sighed, we had put each other through it, each of uit, eachs at fault in our own way. I couldn't unwrap the cotton wool from my heart and he couldn't stop sleeping around even though he wanted me at the same time.
I looked at him, his frown was in place, his anger still there. “I’m taking you home.”
“Im not going home, Scott. Go without me.” I wanted to be away from him now.
“No fuckin' way am I leaving you here, goddammit!” he gripped my wrist.
“Get your hand off me.” I said firmly. I was the worst kind of brat but I wanted space from him. Being blanked like that hurt and I didn't, couldn't let him see it.
He dropped his hand and looked at me like I had grown another head.
I stared him down before I brushed his body with mine as I went back out to the dance floor. I went with the music, raising my arms above my head and swinging my hips as I sensed his hungry gaze caress me. Touch Me by Rui Da Silva started playing. I opened my eyes and found Scott's blazing with need. Every part of him was pure male aggressiveness, I sensed a violent hunger flare in him as he crossed his arms and lowered his head without taking his eyes from me.
I was caught in his stare, in our own need. I loved him so much that I couldn't breath. Without realising, I begged him with my eyes to come to me. I needed him so bad that I ached painfully with it. I danced on but when he didn't come over, pain clawed inside my chest and my throat thickened.
Then he pushed away from where he was leaning and came towards me.
He pulled me into him roughly as his stormy sea green eyes glittered down into mine. I didn't have a second to catch my breath before his mouth came crashing down on mine. His tongue stroked mine firmly, and frantically. He gripped me tighter, his hands digging into my back but I welcomed it. This is where I belonged, in his arms. I felt safe here, he would never let anything happen to me.
His hand went into my hair and pulled me away from him, “Is this what you wanted, Emma? To drive me over the fuckin' edge?” he rasped loudly above the music.
I let my gaze wonder over his face, the face I had come to love so much more than I thought possible.
"Don't look at me like that." He closed his eyes tight, "I hate you right now," his nostrils were flaring and his jaw clenched.
His words slashed through me and broke me. I looked away from him wanting to hide my face from the pain that I knew was painted across it.
This wasn’t working out how I wanted it to, he was too mad at me to give me what I wanted. If there was a first time for us, I didn't want it to be out of anger.
I struggled out of his hold. “I'm going home."
ƀ
Chapter Thirty-six
As we entered our communal hall, Scott dropped my hand as though it would poison him.
He had followed me out of Soundz, took my hand forcefully and almost marched us home. The silent walk had been awkward and tense with sighs in between.
“Go to bed.” He turned his back on me, about to go upstairs without saying goodnight.
“I’m a big girl, don't tell me what to do.” How dare he talk to me like a child. Is that how he saw me?
He spun to me and stepped nearer, his frown in place and his mouth pursed. “You’re a big girl? What was that about tonight then?” he came closer. “You don’t think, do you? Any one of those guys could’ve taken you and it would your own fuckin' fault for acting like a hooker, fuck, you even tried to come on to me.”
I looked down at my feet, it was true and he had every right to be annoyed with me.
His hand caught my chin tightly and pulled it to him, “Don’t do that!”
I moved my head quickly to the side so he couldn't see my shame. You have the most readable eyes that I have ever known…
“You did it on purpose.” His voice was gruff, defeated. Then he turned and went upstairs.
I didn't do it to hurt him. I had tried to tell him that I loved him but it had all gone wrong. His rejection was too much for me and I fucked up. When it came to him I was impulsive and I knew I was but I had always been that way when I had been hurt.
I marched up the stairs after him a few minutes later after deciding what to do and I knew that I should apologise. I didn't want to hurt him, I fucking loved him and when he hurt, I did. I went into his apartment without knocking. The sound of Nothing Else Matters by Metallica reached my ears. It was dark apart from a lone floor-lamp lit in the corner of his living room. Scott’s silhouette stood by the balcony doors, his hands buried deep in his front pockets and his head down.
He didn't move when I came in and shut the door, he didn't look around or even flinch.
“I’m not in the mood, Emma. If I were you, I would leave.”
His quiet warning unnerved me but I needed to do this. My heart was hammering in my chest painfully as I walked slowly towards him. “I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is hurt you but I don't understand you. The other guys – I just wanted you to know a part of how I’ve been feeling when I see you with other girls and–”
He turned swi
ftly and paced angrily towards me. “Well, let me tell you that you did a good fuckin' job!” he grabbed my arms painfully and my eyes widened in alarm. “I’m hurting so much I’m fuckin' sick with it – I'm tired of feeling like this!” the muscles in his neck were corded, his lips curled back.
I could see pain in his eyes and I wanted to erase it more than anything.
I reached my hand up to his face but he flinched away from me and let go of my arms and, once again, turned his back to me.
“Get out – I'm done with this.” His voice was stilted, gruff.
Tears pricked my eyes, “No.”
“Leave, before I lose my goddamn temper.”
I took a shaky breath, “I’m not leaving you.” How could I leave now? I had made my choice and I was sticking to it. I knew he didn't mean any of what he was saying and I knew he would never harm me physically.
