I turn to Ronnie to thank her for taking the pictures, but she stops me with her lips before I can even open my mouth. Her lips are soft and needy against mine and I want her so terribly bad. She slips her tongue inside my mouth and teases me so deliciously before pulling away. She gives me a shy smile and runs a nervous hand through her hair.
“What was that for?”
“I don’t know,” she says, breathlessly. “You’re just so cute with him.”
“I want a few photos of you,” I say as I hand her Grey and pull out my phone. Saying she looks happy is a complete fucking understatement. She holds Grey and smiles proudly at the camera. I snap a few pictures, some with her smiling brightly and some that are just silly. We feel so much like a little family, I can see us easily transforming into one.
“How do they look?” she eagerly asks as she gets off the hay covered ground with Grey in her arms. “I never look good in pictures.”
“What are you talking about, Ronnie? You look just as fantastic as you do in real life,” I tell her as I admire her beautiful face on my phone. When I look up at her to show her the photo, she’s blushing at my previous comment. “Come on, you know you’re gorgeous.”
She playfully shoves me and looks down at the picture. “Well, I definitely don’t look as cute as Grey.”
I didn’t know that, like me, she doesn’t know how to take to take a fucking compliment. I bend down to kiss her cheek, feeling more and more comfortable with the physical side of our relationship after the kiss she initiated a few moments ago. I take her hand in mine and together we walk towards a concession stand to buy apple cider and caramel apples—just like I used to do when I was a kid.
“So, you grew up coming here?” Ronnie asks as we take a seat on a nearby hay bale.
“Yeah, I used to love coming here. Closer to Halloween they’d have these awesome hayrides and I’d sit in my dad’s lap, while Dean would sit in my mother’s. We’d get so scared at the littlest things. I would burry my face in my dad’s shirt and stay like that until the ride was over. Dean loved it, though. He’d always get a kick out of anything scary when he was a kid. The only thing he hated was how my mother would make him pose for all these pictures. He hated getting in front of the camera. Even when he was really popular in high school, he never liked getting his picture taken.” I pause, realizing this is the most I’ve talked about him since his death. Sure, I’ve talked about him dying and how desperately I missed my older brother, but I’ve never just talked about him. I haven’t shared a memory without bringing up the fact he’s not here. Doing so feels so freeing and I can tell that the small memory I just shared has really been a big step for me. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t over thinking shit. Maybe Ronnie caught me off guard since I’m so relaxed around her and I couldn’t help but want to share. Whatever the reason, I’m glad I talked about him. Now, she knows a little bit about the type of man my brother truly was.
She smiles, seeming to be just as proud of me as I am. “So, your mom never made you take any pictures.”
“No, not really. I was usually off doing something with my dad.”
“Well, hopefully there’s some photos of you. I’d love to see what little Trevor looked like,” she teases me.
“I looked a little like my brother, Dean. Just a little rougher around the edges, I suppose. He was clean cut and straight edge and I was his complete opposite. But everyone said we had the same eyes and smile. Dean looked a lot more like my mom, though, where as I look nothing like her at all. My aunt used to tease me about being adopted,” I say with a laugh.
While I looked a little like Dean—I didn’t look exactly like anyone in my family. Which I suppose is fitting, considering I grew up being the outcast. It’s funny because my aunt would tease me about being adopted because I used to feel like I didn’t belong. I suppose I felt more like a stepchild. My brother was the apple of their eyes and I was just a nuisance.
“I’m sure you were very handsome,” Ronnie says with a smile. “Just like Grey.”
Completely spent by the enjoyable, yet, emotionally draining day, we end up watching movies at Ronnie’s apartment instead of going through with my plan to carve pumpkins with our little guy. He doesn’t seem to mind, though. In fact, he fell asleep on my lap after the first Disney movie of the night. Knowing he’s asleep causes the tension in the room to become fucking palpable. I want to touch Ronnie so desperately, yet, I restrain myself. God, she’s beautiful. Someday soon, I hope to show her physically just how much I care for her—just how much she means to me.
chapter 17
acid tongue
As the week nears its end, leaves are littering the ground and the air has quickly grown colder. I feel the bite at work and wonder what I’ll do when winter comes. We’re almost midway through September and the chill is beginning to become unbearable. I guess my body became accustomed to the hot California weather and doesn’t know how to deal with temperatures below sixty degrees very well. The cold season also brings with it my mother’s birthday. I’ve missed her birthday the last few years and hadn’t even bothered to call while I was in California. I felt bad, but not bad enough to do anything about it. This year I’ll make it up to her by actually showing up. Dad even called me last night to confirm I was still coming. I guess he didn’t really have faith in me to show up. Although, I can’t really blame him.
All week I’ve considered what I should get her for her birthday. Our relationship has always been strained, but now that I’m taking the time to look at my own faults, I wonder if the lack of warmth in our relationship is something which I caused. If anything, we could both be equally to blame for the lack of amity. I wasn’t the model child, and I treated both my parents terribly for so long—so, I can see her problem with me. I’m fuck-up and who honestly wants to admit to parenting that?
After work, I take Grey shopping to find the perfect gift for her. Is it sad that I don’t know how old she’s turning? She never talks about her age, and her multiple cosmetic surgeries make it hard to decipher, but I should at least know how old she was when she gave birth to me. As I walk around the mall with Grey, I feel like I’m shopping for a stranger in many ways. I don’t know what she likes, what her hobbies are, and I don’t even know what her favorite movie is—or if she even has one. No wonder she dislikes me, I don’t know shit about her. I know she likes to hang out with her friends, going to cocktail parties, and having spa days; you know, that girly type of shit. I really don’t want to buy her a gift card to a spa, it seems too weird and impersonal.
My heart is sitting heavy in my chest. The muscles in my jaw are so tense, that when I open my mouth to speak with the saleswoman, my muscles feel like they’re being ripped apart. I stop and rub my jaw, rubbing the knot in my cheek with my thumb in hopes that it’ll disappear. Although, with all the stress in my life recently, I doubt that’ll happen. For some reason, as I shop I can’t help but feel fucking angry. I feel like I’ve been robbed of a mother. She’s been around all my life and I barely know her. It’s like she’s erected this wall between us and I can’t figure out a way to climb over it. She’s so far removed from my life, at times it feels as if she died along with Dean. It’s like all of her love was buried with him and I just can’t understand it.
Feeling defeated, I walk into a jewelry shop and settle on the first necklace I see. It’s sterling silver and has two birds, one big and one small, and it’s not like anything I’d normally buy. I feel almost embarrassed as I purchase it, mainly because I’ve got no idea what her reaction will be. That thought alone is enough to put me on edge. When I add all the other shit to the mix, I almost want to make up an excuse to avoid going. Thank, God Ronnie agreed to accompany me tonight. I’m always so much more at ease with her near. It’s like her presence alone calms flames within me and keeps me from doing something rash.
Fuck, I just want things to run smoothly tonight. I’ve been mentally preparing myself since I woke up this morning because I know how terrible
these evenings usually end up being. At least this party will give me a chance to show off my awesome girl. She’s so intelligent and absolutely gorgeous; I know she’ll impress everyone she meets, which will be a good thing considering I won’t impress anyone. As I drive back to my apartment, I try desperately to lighten the fuck up. I don’t want to come across like I have absolutely no self-esteem. Ronnie deserves a strong man at her side and not some insecure asshole. Hearing Grey’s laughter in the back seat of my truck cab as he babbles along to his kids’ music definitely helps my spirits. I pray that by tonight I’ll be in the proper mood. Tonight isn’t just about dealing with the party; I need to get Grey’s records so I can begin the process of filing to for his benefits. I can’t believe my parents didn’t mention the benefits sooner. It seems like a vital piece of information to just overlook. I doubt a mistake like that could be an intentional one. If it were… I shake that idea off before I can dwell on it. I don’t want to believe someone could be working against me like that. Even if it was my mother.
I need to distract myself so, as soon as we return home, I focus all my energy on getting Grey ready. I want him to look his best tonight so my family and friends can see I’m capable of doing something right. I know they’ve had their doubts about me taking care of him, and I know it’s all warranted. I was a complete shithead before this and I know that—but it still stings to see the doubt on their faces.
“Are you going to be good for me, buddy?” I ask Grey as I fill up the tub to give him a bath.
He squeals as he watches the water rise and begins to kick his feet as if he were trying to jump out of my arms and straight into the lukewarm water. I laugh at his enthusiasm and as soon as the bath is a few inches deep, I shut off the water and place him in his bathtub seat. Grey immediately laughs and brings his hands rapidly up and down to splash the water. His eyes widen as the water makes waves and his smile soon becomes infectious; it’s not long before we’re laughing together. The tension in my body begins to dissipate as I watch him cheerfully play in the water. It’s hard to stay stressed for long with so much positivity surrounding me. I sit my ass down on the floor beside the tub and begin to wash his hair to the best of my ability. He wiggles away from me and does everything in his power to make sure he doesn’t get cleaned. As I go to wash his body, he splashes water in my face, then giggles uncontrollably at my shocked expression.
“You think that’s funny, little man?” I ask as I reach down to tickle his chubby, little stomach.
Grey throws his head back in laughter and reaches up for me, always eager for me to hold him. I push him gently back, needing to get him cleaned up for the party tonight. He doesn’t stop and continues to try to stand up while still seated in his bath seat until I give in and pick him up.
“Wait a sec, buddy, Daddy has to wash you.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth I stop what I’m doing and let go of him to settle back in his seat. I fall back on my ass and stare at the little boy who’s so eager to be in my arms and wonder what the fuck I think I’m doing. I’m his guardian—his fucking uncle; I’ll never be his father. I can’t fill that role for him. Just thinking it makes me feel as though I’m dishonoring my brother’s memory. However, I should’ve known it would’ve come to this one day. Grey deserves to have a father and my brother is dead. Dean would’ve wanted his son to grow up having parents and not people who were just raising him. How will I tell him his biological parents are dead? Will I tell him while he’s still a kid? If I don’t tell him when he’s old enough to understand, when the fuck should I tell him? Since Dean’s death, I’ve been Grey’s father in every sense of the word; I love him like he’s my child. I wish I could talk to my brother and ask him what I should do. I look up at the ceiling as if he’s going to fly down out of nowhere and give me some advice. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and try to think of what my brother would say to me if he were here. While I don’t hear an audible answer, I believe I know what he’d want, and that’s for Grey to have a dad; even if I will just be a piss-poor substitute for his real one. I’ll love him like he’s my own son and do the best that I can by him.
I test the term out again, “Let Daddy wash your hair, Grey.”
He gives me a big grin that lights up his whole face. He points at me and begins to babble. Finally, he says, “da” and it makes my heart stop. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part. He was babbling on for seconds before he managed to say that, so it could’ve just been a meaningless accident. Whether he meant to call me “da” or not, just visualizing him calling me by that name makes me feel ten feet tall.
“Daddy’s almost done, buddy,” I say, testing it out one more time in hopes that he’ll try saying “da” again.
He babbles incoherently for a moment, before he points again and says “da.” I smile at him for a long time, unable to help the emotions which are running through me. I’ve never felt so fucking full—so incredibly complete. Who knew having a baby would give me this sort of happiness? The old me would’ve been shocked if he realized that being called “da” would be the highlight of his existence.
“I love you so much, Grey.” His eyes twinkle when he looks at me and I wonder if he can understand I’m telling him. Or at least sense my emotion. “Daddy loves you so much.” I reach down to tickle his stomach once more to break up the heaviness in the room.
As soon as I feel he’s as clean as he’s going to get, I pull him out of the tub, wrap him in a towel, and drain the water. He nuzzles his little head against my neck and begins to nod off as I take him to his room to dress him. I take my time getting him ready, making sure he’s perfectly presentable for the party tonight. I find a polo shirt that’s pretty nice—at least I think it is, I don’t know shit about clothes—and a pair of jeans that are easy for him to move around in.
He kicks his legs as I try to slide on his jeans and babbles a bit before pointing and saying, “da.” He giggles and says “da” again before letting me dress him without giving me too much grief. I can’t wipe the smile off my face as I listen to him call me that. Maybe I’m just being too hopeful or just plain ridiculous, but I love to think that Grey sees me as his father. There’s a knock on the door and I know it’s Ronnie—punctual as usual.
“Come on, buddy. Our girl is here.”
Although I put great care into our appearances—Ronnie has outdone us both. As soon as I open the door, she takes my fucking break away. God, she’s gorgeous. She looks sexy, yet, so incredibly sweet in a white cocktail dress. Her purple cardigan covering her shoulders causes her skin to look like cream. I’m so in fucking awe of her; I still can’t believe this girl is mine. I need to ask her to officially be my girlfriend soon because if I don’t snatch her up now, I’m sure someone else will. I’ve never seen a woman who I want to worship as much as I want defile—but that’s Ronnie. Glancing down her cleavage I notice her tits are perky and deliciously full in her dress; I want to do very, very, bad things to her.
“What is it?” she coyly asks, causing me to realize that I’ve been gawking at her for far too long.
“Sorry,” I mutter, running a nervous hand through my messy hair before adding, “You just look incredible tonight.”
She blushes and gives me a smile as she bites down on her plump bottom lip. “You look pretty amazing yourself, Trev. As do you, Greyson,” she coos as she steps forward to tickle his belly. He squeals and reaches for her; she readily takes him. He rests his head on her tits and I can’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy. What I wouldn’t give to be in that position.
“You ready to go, beautiful?” She gives me a pretty smile and a slight nod as we head for the door. “I thought afterward we could grab dinner somewhere. I wasn’t planning on being at this thing all night.”
“Sounds good, Trev. Whatever you want to do.”
Grey makes a garble of noises, as if he were trying to talk to her. Ronnie is a complete sucker for his baby talk, so she immediately nuzzles his neck before kissing
the fuzzy hair atop his head.
“I think he’s got a crush on you,” I tease her as she follows me out to my truck.
“I guess you’d know a lot about what it’s like, wouldn’t you?” she teases right back. “With the way you constantly look at me I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to contain yourself.”
I stop walking to regard her for a moment. She pauses her steps for a second—just long enough to wink at me—before continuing on toward my truck. I can’t help but to burst out into laughter. She’s so funny. I’ve never really known a chick who had a sense of humor. I never knew I liked that in a woman. I reach and gently pull her into my arms, giving her a quick kiss before letting her go. I find that she gives me more than pleasure—she gives me comfort as well.
The drive across town is too fucking short. We arrive at my parents’ house to find the street littered with cars I don’t recognize leading up to the driveway. It looks like they’ve invited the whole fucking town to this party. I can’t even fathom how they know all these people. I end up having to park on an entirely different street. As we walk toward my parents’ house I wonder if my mom literally invited every person she’s ever fucking met.
I look over at Ronnie—who’s obviously uncomfortable in her heels—and frown. “Fuck, I’m sorry, baby,” I comment as we trudge toward my parent’s home.
“It’s fine,” she says with a shrug of her shoulders. She’s never one to complain, she’d rather suffer in silence—just like me. “This is why I never wear high heels.”
The Blessing Page 18
