I quickly dial her number, always loving to be able to hear her voice on my lunch break. “Babe?” I ask as soon as she answers. I can hear my chaotic son babbling in the background. “How are things going over there?”
“It’s good,” she replies with a tired sigh. “Grey made a mess of himself during lunch, so I’m about to give him a bath.”
I instantly feel bad for her because I know how fussy my guy can get. I wish I could be there to help her. “Well, I’ll make this quick then. I just called to ask you about going out of town with me this weekend. Cat’s parents want to see their grandson, so I was going to drive out to Nevada this weekend, so they could spend some time with him. It’s Mae’s birthday, and I thought seeing her grandson would be a good present for her.”
She pauses for a moment to tend to Grey before finally responding, “I’d be more than happy to tag along, Trev. Are we going to be staying at a hotel? I can make reservations after I get Grey down for his nap.”
I smile at her words. She’s always so fucking organized and thoughtful. “That’d be great.” Looking at the time, I quickly say, “I got to get back to work.” I love you. I’d say the words if I weren’t such a fucking coward. “See you tonight, baby.”
“I’ll be looking forward to it.”
As I hang up the phone, I hope Cat’s parents will be happy with the fact that Grey now has two people in his life that love him very much. Although, I know I’m a poor substitute for his father and mother. I’m never going to be able to give him what they could’ve given him—but I can get pretty damn close. I don’t know what Cat’s parents are going to think of me—because I barely know what to think of myself. I know if I were them, I’d be downright pissed at the idea of me caring for their grandson. I wonder if they’re mad it’s not them who’s taking care of Grey… I wonder if they’ll try to take him away from me. Fuck, they could try—but that doesn’t mean I’ll let it happen. If I thought I wasn’t good for him—then I’d might consider giving him to someone who could do better than me. However, I love him more than I love myself, and we’ll never be separated. They’ll see that he loves me, too.
I’ve got to stop this shit. I need to let go of this feeling of always needing to prove something to someone. I’m always feeling that no matter what I do in life—it’ll never be good enough. There’ll always be someone who’s disappointed in me. Well, fuck it. Fuck them. If they don’t like me—that’s on them. I can’t keep beating myself up over the fear of other’s opinions of me. I’m doing my best and they’ll either see that—or they won’t. My actions will have to speak for themselves because I know my words won’t do shit. I can say I love Greyson all day, but unless I show it, they’ll never believe me. Although, how could I not illustrate my love for him? Ronnie says it’s practically written all over my fucking mug. Every time I look at him, I feel like he’s the only thing I could ever need. And the way he looks at me takes my fucking breath away because I just can’t believe I’m someone’s world. It’s too crazy to wrap my head around. To him, I’m everything. I wonder if he knows that I feel the same way. Without him and Ronnie—I don’t know where I’d be. So, fuck what anyone else thinks.
I snort at my mental pep-talk. I want to kick myself for always thinking the absolute worst about everything. I’m afraid of them judging me—so, I’m judging them. How fucking ironic. They could be perfectly nice people, yet I’m already fearing that they’ll try to steal my son from me. I guess I can’t help it. Grey’s always seemed too good to be true. He’s a fucking blessing and the thought of losing him is like a shot to the heart. I close my eyes and pray to whomever is listening that things will go smoothly. When I open my eyes again, I determine that things will run smoothly because I say they will. I’ll go with a positive attitude, and despite what happens there, I’ll leave with a positive attitude. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I can only control my actions; there’s nothing I can do about theirs. However, I can choose how I let their actions affect me. No one can make me feel like shit unless I let them—and I’ll be damned if I let them. I’m doing a damned good job, and if they can’t see it, then that’s their issue.
“Babe, can you come in here for a second?” I ask as I pop my head outside the bathroom door.
Ronnie smiles before joining me in my cramped bathroom which is still filled with steam from my shower. My skin’s still damp from the water, causing the towel wrapped around my hips to have a tough time staying in place. Ronnie doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, she seems downright pleased with my predicament. Her eyes are filled with lust, but sex isn’t what I want. At least, not right now. I’m too fucking nervous for that. As soon as she sees the anxiety on my face, she understands and her expression changes to one of concern.
“What’s up, babe?”
“Didn’t you say you used to cut your dad’s hair?” She nods with a smile tugging at her lips as she realizes where I’m going with this. “Do you think you could do something about this, then?” I ask, tugging on the ends of my overgrown, unruly hair. She smirks and nods again.
“Let me go to my apartment and grab my scissors and I’ll be right back.”
She turns on her heel and I can’t help but watch her sexy ass as she walks away, mesmerized as it sways from side to side. This only calms me momentarily because as soon as she’s gone my nerves are back in full fucking force. I grab a chair from my room and drag it into the bathroom, placing it in front of my mirror. I want to look my best during this trip and if that means cutting my hair—I’ll do it. Maybe a haircut will boost my confidence. God, I sound like such a fucking girl.
Ronnie comes back with scissors in her hand and a pretty smile on her face. Grabbing a towel from the rack next to the shower, she drapes it across my chest to imitate those capes at the barbershops. Placing her hands on my shoulders, she smiles at me in the mirror as she assesses my hair.
“What were you thinking?” she asks as she runs one hand through my mane.
“I don’t know… something shorter maybe? Something more ‘professional’ looking, I guess.” I sound so nervous I can barely stand it. I roll my eyes at myself in the mirror and throw my head back until it’s resting against her belly. Looking up, I get a nice view of the bottom of her tits, which I allow myself to stare at for a moment before finally meeting her eyes with a smirk.
“I think I can manage that,” she says, smirking back.
I headbutt her tits—because despite my age, it’s fun to be a tad immature—and sit up in my chair so she can go to work. She rolls her eyes at me in the mirror before picking up my comb and begins to work on my hair. I sit in silence as she cuts—mentally preparing myself for what lies ahead.
When I’m not brooding over the car ride ahead of us, I’m anxious over what’s going to happen as soon as we get there and meet Grey’s grandparents. If they dislike me, it’s going to make everything extremely awkward for all of us. However, I know all I should give a shit about is Grey and whether or not he has a good time. If they don’t like me—they don’t like me. This trip is about Grey getting to spend time with his grandparents.
As soon as Ronnie’s finished, she combs through my hair with her fingers and kisses the top of my head. “There,” she says with an accomplished smile, “now you’re perfect.”
My eyes widen as I look in the mirror. I can’t remember the last time my hair was this short. It was probably when I was in elementary school and my parents still determined how my hair looked. I’ve got to say—my girl did an amazing job. I look so much more “put together” as my mother would say. I smile at her in the mirror and reach back to rub my hand up and down her arm in a gesture of appreciation.
“It looks amazing, baby. You’ve got to cut my hair for now on.”
“Yeah, it can be one of the many reasons you keep me around,” she responds with a wink. “I’ll let you finish getting ready. I still have to get your son dres
sed, and God knows how long that can take.” She gives me a quick peck on the lips before stepping out of the bathroom to retrieve Grey.
Running a hand through my hair again, I smile at my reflection. Despite the copious number of tattoos I’ve acquired over the years, I feel like I look more “professional.” Or at least, what so many of my mom’s friends deem “professional” people look like. I’ve got to say, I feel much more attractive. And my newfound confidence makes me want to go grab Ronnie and relieve some of my pint-up stress. I’m so wound up—I need to do something to release my tension. However, I know we’ve got to get on the road soon, and I’ve never been good about keeping “quickies” quick.
When we finally make it to the car with everything packed and ready to go—it’s just past noon and I’m already mentally fucking exhausted. I just want a cigarette to calm my nerves, but since I’ve kicked that vice, I focus on Ronnie’s lips instead. As soon as Grey is safely buckled in his car seat in the back of her car I crash my lips against hers—searching for some sort of solace before we begin our journey.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive part of the way?” Ronnie asks, as soon as I pull away from her.
I know what she’s really trying to say: “Are you sure you’re going to be okay on this trip?” She has this gentle way about her, where she’ll show her concern without making me feel like a giant pussy for needing her the way I do.
“I’ll be fine, baby. I can drive the whole way without any trouble,” I assure her.
I give her one quick peck before opening the passenger door for her. As soon as I shut the door, I take a deep breath and hope this trip will go fucking well for us. I close my eyes—saying a silent prayer—and open them again to take one final look at our apartment building.
I slide into the driver’s seat and pull out my phone, handing it to Ronnie so she can program the GPS. After giving her the phone, I take a moment to appreciate how fucking hot my girl looks today. With pigtails, a sweatshirt that’s snug across her tits, and running pants that make her legs look miles long—I don’t know how I’ll keep my hands to myself during this trip. Maybe I won’t.
“What are you gawking at?” she playfully asks as she enters the address of our hotel on the GPS app.
“You,” I answer with an unapologetic smirk. “I love these,” I say as I reach out to tug on one of her pigtails.
She grabs my hand and pulls it to her mouth for a quick kiss on the back of my hand before letting go. “I thought you would. You want to stop to get some drinks on the way before we get on the highway?”
I nod and kiss her once more before putting on my seatbelt. I turn on the radio for Grey and look at him in the rearview mirror. He’s babbling in the backseat in what sounds like an attempt to sing along with the kids voices on the radio. As much as I fucking hate pop music—especially the type of shit that sounds like Kids Bop—I can’t exactly listen to metal with a little baby in the backseat. He’s heard my ringtone once when Ronnie called me and had a fit; he cried for ten minutes after hearing a few seconds of a song. Apparently, my little guy really hates the Deftones.
We listen to his attempts at singing as we pull away from of our apartment complex and onto the road. His babbles are beginning to sound like actual words. Well, they’re beginning to sound like some very small words. I wonder what his second word will be. I’ve been trying to expand his vocabulary, but I don’t know how much of it Grey is soaking up. Whenever Ronnie is out of earshot, I try to get him to say “mama.” He’s gotten close on several occasions, but he still stumbles around the word and ends up babbling randomly. Although, he almost did say “mama” last night. Ronnie had fallen asleep on the couch and while I sat beside her, I quickly coached him as he sat on my lap.
“Come on, buddy, try again. Try to say ‘mama,’ ” I quietly coax him as he looks up at me with curious eyes.
I give him an encouraging grin as I watch him move his mouth as he watches mine enunciate the word for him. His little mouth opens and closes in time with mine, trying to imitate exactly what I’m doing. He almost says it, but unfortunately his opened mouth transforms into a tired yawn. Then, much to my surprise, he opens his mouth again and I give him another encouraging smile as I listen.
“Ma ah ah,” he babbles before giving me a proud smile.
He’s so close I can’t believe it. I kiss his forehead and give him some praise, hoping the parenting book I purchased for myself will begin to start paying off. “Good, buddy! You’re so close. Can you say ‘mama’?”
I give him ample time to try, and just as he begins to say it, Ronnie awakens at our side. She rubs her sleepy eyes and gives us a lethargic grin.
“Ma me ma!” Grey screams, before clapping his hands together at his success.
Ronnie giggles at him, obviously oblivious to the word he’s trying to say. “What are you two doing?”
I shrug, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. “Not much. Just trying to learn some new words.”
I smile at the memory as I pull into the parking lot of the closest coffee shop I can find. Grey was so close to figuring it out last night—I’m sure he’ll be saying it any day now. I wonder how Ronnie will react to it. I hope it’ll make her happy, or at least, I hope it won’t frighten her off. It’s just that she’s practically Grey’s mom already and if I’m lucky enough to have her as my wife one day—I’d hope she’d want to adopt him. She loves him like he’s her own flesh and blood and Grey deserves a good woman in his life. I do, as well. I want him to have a real family. I want him to learn how to treat a woman by seeing the way I treat her. I want him to know what love is by watching the two of us as he grows up. He needs a stable environment—and I’ll do my best to give it to him.
As Ronnie goes inside to order us some drinks for the road, I get out of the car to pull Grey from his car seat. I want to hold him for a little while before we get on the highway. He begins to kick his feet in excitement as soon as I open his door and loudly squeals as I take him out of his car seat and hold him close to my chest. It’s cold outside, but Grey doesn’t seem to mind it one bit. He nuzzles his head against my jacket before looking up at me with a content smile.
“We’re going to see your grandparents tomorrow, Grey,” I tell him as if he could perfectly understand me. “Are you excited?”
His smile grows, and he babbles out a response, ending with “dada.”
“You, me, and mommy are going to stay in a hotel tonight and we’ll watch tons of movies and get some room service,” I tell him, trying to get myself hyped up by the idea. I know Grey will, most likely, be asleep by the time we get to our destination. As if on cue, he yawns in response before giving me another little grin. “Your grandparents are so excited to see you, buddy. I’m sure they have tons of stuff planned.” He giggles and gives me his little version of a hug. “Aw, I love you, buddy.”
I look up to see Ronnie coming out of the shop with a tray of two drinks in one hand and a little bag in the other. “Did you two miss me while I was gone?” she teases as she walks toward us. “I got you a quad-shot latte and a chai tea for myself. I also picked up some food for the road.” She waves the little bag brown at me and grins.
I give her a confused look as I put Grey back in his car seat. “What on Earth is a quad-whatever-the-hell you said? I thought you were just going to get coffee?”
“Well, this’ll give you more energy. It’s four shots of espresso,” she answers with a perky grin.
“Okay,” I respond, still not sounding very convinced. Since when did ordering coffee become so fucking difficult? Maybe I’d know more about these sorts of drinks if I could afford to get them. As soon as I’m buckled back into my seat, Ronnie hands me my quad-coffee-thing and gives me an eager smile as she waits for me to take a drink. I take one exaggerated sip as I try not to laugh at her.
“It’s good, okay,” I confirm. “Hopefully, this’ll keep me awake.”
“Just let me know if you want me to drive, babe. I’m per
fectly capable.”
“I know you are, but I’d like to do it.”
It’ll help me keep my mind off things. If I’m fucking lucky.
As we pull onto I-70, I roll the windows down and allow the crisp, November air to flow through the car. The scenery is picturesque and absolutely beautiful. I’ve forgotten how incredible Colorado could be. Since I’ve gotten back, I haven’t really had the time to appreciate it. This is going to be a long fucking stretch today. We’ve got a seven-hour drive ahead of us before we reach our hotel in Emery County, Utah. Grey’s already growing a bit restless in the backseat. I wish Ronnie had one of those cars which had those television screens on the back of the headrests of the front seats, so he’d have something to watch and keep him distracted. The radio can only do so much for him. When his cries become hysterical—I know I’ve got to pull off. With the amount of times I’ve stopped for Ronnie to use the bathroom so far, I wonder if any restaurants will be open by the time we make it to Emery County. Maybe we really will have to order room service, after all.
I pull off to the nearest rest stop; it’s just as shady as the last few were. Every time we stop, there’s always some prick eyeing my girl. I don’t get it. Can’t they see she’s with a man and a baby and put two and two together? I can’t help but stare the random pricks down, giving them a look, which screams, “She’s fucking taken!” Eventually, they get the picture and look someplace else. I was never possessive before I met Ronnie, but every time a man looks in her direction—it drives me bat shit fucking crazy. Luckily, my fighting days are in the past. Otherwise, I’d be tempted to lash out every time I see red if it weren’t for Grey settling my ass down.
The Blessing Page 31
