Tonight, I’m going to A.A. with Travis while Ronnie gets everything ready for Grey’s birthday party at home. She told me I was “distracting” her, complaining she never can get anything done when I’m around. She definitely didn’t seem unhappy when she was bent over our bed screaming my name… Although I’d rather spend my time with her, I agreed to get out of her hair and leave her to the decorating. She had bags of party supplies all around the apartment when I left, so, whatever she’s planning must be fucking serious.
I meet up with Travis at a local church, where tonight’s A.A. meeting is being held. He’s early, like usual, and is waiting for me just outside the church entrance. I watch some people shuffle inside. Their faces look familiar, but I’ve never paid enough attention to learn their names. I don’t really stick around after meetings to socialize or make friends. I know that having people in your life who empathize with your situation can be a good thing. However, I’m not one for small talk or dancing around the elephant in the room. I don’t go out of my way to avoid other members—I just don’t make a point of reaching out to them either. Hell, I barely talk to Travis during the meetings and he’s one of my best friends. Usually after the meetings end, I say goodbye to him, grab some cookies and orange juice from the refreshments table, and head straight home to Ronnie and Grey. That’s my plan for tonight. Travis is pretty reserved when it comes to this shit anyway, so I know he won’t mind.
“Hey, man!” Travis calls out as he watches me approach.
“Hey, sorry I’m late. I got held up with things at home.”
“It’s cool,” he replies with a shrug. “The meeting hasn’t started yet.”
By the time we arrive to the room where the meeting is being held, everyone’s already in their seats and ready to get started. Travis and I take a seat in the back, away from everyone else in the room. I feel like no one can see me back here, and that puts my mind at ease. The man running tonight’s meeting isn’t here yet. I turn my focus to Travis and start talking to avoid the awkward silence that normally fills the room before these meetings begin.
“I thought I’d warn you before tomorrow… Evelyn may be coming to Grey’s birthday party.”
Last week I told Travis everything about the situation with Evelyn, my dad, and my biological mother, Felicity. To say he was astounded would be a fucking understatement. Travis was beyond shocked, but he found it wasn’t impossible to come to terms with. The way Evelyn treated me growing up gave my story another layer of credibility. She’d been fucking horrible to me. He wasn’t usually around for her outbursts toward me, nevertheless, he could still see she hadn’t loved me the way a mother should love their child. We made so many excuses for her, but at the end of the day, she didn’t even try to like me. She cast me off like I was less than nothing.
The one thing he couldn’t wrap his mind around, was the fact that my dad lied to me for so many years. I explained that it was “necessary” because of the shitty situation regarding Evelyn mixed with the even worse situation involving Felicity and her bastard husband, Vince. However, the necessity that influenced years of deception doesn’t make me feel better. Doesn’t make any of the heartache any less painful.
I know it’s strange for Travis to look at Evelyn as Dean’s mom and not mine. Fuck, it’s weird for me, as well. She loves Travis almost as much as she loves Dean. She had always told him that she thought of him as her son. I know he’s close to her, but not as close as he once was. He hasn’t talked to her much since Dean’s death. When you think about it, he was closer to her now than anyone in our entire family. He’s the only one she hasn’t had a falling out with.
“Will your mom be there, too?”
“Yeah, I invited them both. I hadn’t planned on inviting Evelyn because, like I said, I thought she was out of my life completely. Last night I had a change of heart, I guess. Grey’s her grandson and it wouldn’t be right for me to separate them. I just hope we can all behave like adults about everything.”
Travis gives me a small smile before saying, “I think it’ll work out fine. Well, at least I hope it will. It’s a kid’s birthday party for fuck’s sake.”
I snicker at this and pray he’s right. A few grown ass adults wouldn’t ruin a baby’s first birthday party because of their drama, would they? I mean, I know it’s going to be awkward as hell, but I hope they can find it in their hearts to focus on Grey instead of their shit. “I just hope it runs smoothly tomorrow. Ronnie’s been working so damn hard on planning this party. It’s such a special day… I’d be pissed if anyone did anything to ruin it.”
“I’ll help you out if shit gets out of hand,” he promises before we’re interrupted by the start of our meeting.
It starts off the same as it usually does. Tony, the man running tonight’s meeting, talks about acceptance, forgiveness, and all that crap. It’s important, but I’ve heard this so many times I tend to tune it out. I lean back in my seat and wait for the first member to speak up.
The first one up tonight is Heather, a housewife who’s been abusing alcohol for the past ten years. She lost her mother shortly after she graduated high school and says she was never the same since. I don’t know if it’s because she lost her mother in a car accident, but I can feel her pain. I’m able to connect with her words because it’s how I feel. It’s unbearable to lose someone in a violent instant. It’s nice knowing that I’m not alone. Even in my darkest of times, there’s always someone else who is suffering just as I am. Knowing I’m not alone is somewhat comforting.
“I realized that no matter how long I self-medicated my past would never be any different,” Heather goes on to say. “I was destroying my present and my future by drinking constantly and feeling like a victim. When I stopped drinking my entire life changed for the better. Now, when I talk about my mom, I feel nothing but joy. That’s something I haven’t felt in such a long time.”
I don’t know if it’s this woman’s story, or the fact that it’s Grey’s first birthday tomorrow and his parents won’t be here to celebrate it with him, but I want to share my story with the group tonight. Dean died almost half a year ago, but it still feels like it was just yesterday. I haven’t had the chance to mourn him fucking properly because I’ve had so much shit thrown at me in such a short period of time. I’ve reached a level of acceptance, but I still wish he was here every fucking day. I just want to share with the fucking world how amazing he truly was. He was an amazing son, brother, husband, and father and everyone should know that. I may not be able to tell the entire world, but I can share with the people in this room who are willing to listen.
All too soon Heather’s finished speaking. I stand up so fast I almost knock my fucking chair over. I’m so fucking nervous I’m shaking. I walk to the front of the room before I pussy out. Tony’s brows rise in, what I assume is, surprise as he watches me make my way to the podium situated by where he’s sitting. I don’t think he’s ever heard me utter a word, so I can understand his—and everyone else’s—shock.
When I finally stand behind the podium in the front of the room, I look out at the small crowd, peering over every nameless face until I see Travis’s. His expression is unreadable. I can’t tell whether he’s proud of me for speaking up or not. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and try to gather my thoughts before I begin to speak. I can’t believe I’m fucking doing this.
“Hey, I’m Trevor,” I awkwardly begin. Fuck! Am I really doing this? I take another breath before continuing. “Alcohol wasn’t my only vice. I left my home here in Colorado to travel the country, but somehow… I lost myself along the way. I tried every drug I could get my hands on. I rarely asked what they were, consuming them without a second thought. Coke, pills, shrooms… you name it, I’ve tried it at least once. I don’t know why I allowed drugs and alcohol to devour my life the way I did. It was as though I wanted to destroy my own life. I masked my actions as trying to live every day to its fullest. But now, I realize I was experiencing a self-destructive streak. Fuck,
my life up until this point has been one ginormous self-destructive streak. It was fun, an escape from reality, but it wasn’t until my brother died that I realized it had to end.
“Dean was my older brother. He was a father and a husband. He had the life people dreamed of having. Everyone who knew him loved him—it was hard not to. He was pretty much perfect. So perfect that I even hated him at times. He died about eight months ago, along with my sister-in-law, Catherine. Two amazing people who left this world way too fucking soon. They were killed in a hit-and-run accident one night on their way home from a date. Luckily, their son, Greyson, wasn’t with them. Cat died on impact. I just found out a while ago my brother was taken to the hospital in critical condition. He died in surgery a few short hours later. All this time I thought he had died in the car with his wife. I guess my dad only told me that to make me feel better. My dad tried to get ahold of me when he was informed of the accident and Dean had been taken to the hospital. I didn’t answer the call because I was too fucking high and drunk. By the time I checked my messages and called him back, my brother was already dead.
“For some unfathomable reason Dean and Cat made me their son’s legal guardian. So, I returned to Colorado for their funerals, sobered my ass up, and started taking care of Grey. Withdrawals would kick my ass at times; I felt so fucking sick all of the time, but luckily, I wasn’t addicted to the point where it got any worse than that. I was so busy with the transitions going on in my life, I didn’t have time to stop and pay attention to how sick I was. Instead, I focused all my time and energy on the baby. I stayed with my parents at first. They helped out, but eventually I was able to get my own apartment with the help of my dad. Long story short, I went from a druggie with an alcohol problem, to a father who has recently gotten engaged. Sobriety has changed my entire life.
“Dean believed in me when no one else did. He was always so positive, regardless of what was happening in the world around him. His optimism is one of the things I miss most about him. His son’s birthday is tomorrow. Greyson will be one. While it’s a happy time and calls for a celebration—I still wish Dean and Cat could be here to see it. They would be so fucking proud of him.” I stop for a moment. I choke on my words and my heart drops to my fucking stomach. Talking about what Grey has lost—two parents who loved him more than absolutely anything—fucking guts me. After a pregnant silence, I’m able to continue. “He’s such a smart and amazing little guy. I honestly can’t believe I get the honor of filling the role as his father. I worry all the time that I won’t be good enough for him… I constantly worry I’ll relapse and lose everything important in my life. Honestly, if it weren’t for him and my fiancée, Ronnie, I don’t know if I’d be sober right now. If it weren’t for Grey, I think my life would’ve spiraled out of control after Dean’s death. I was so fucking heartbroken when he died… still am. I think if I didn’t have his son to care for, I might be dead right now, as well.
“Every day I tell myself to stay strong. I tell myself to make Dean proud. I can turn my back to my old ways because I have everything to live for now. I want to say the desire to get drunk or high is gone completely, but that wouldn’t be true. It’s still fucking there, lurking around with every step I take. I wonder if it’ll ever go away.”
Saying this out loud makes me fucking shake. I’ve barely been able to admit this to myself. I knew the inclinations wouldn’t diminish overnight, but I hoped if I fought against it hard enough, they wouldn’t possess me. However, it’s still fucking there. I can still taste the burn of tequila on my tongue, the rush of adrenaline, and the weightless feeling of floating through space as I was tripping. I also remember the bad shit, as well. I remember watching my friend pull her hair out during a bad trip… I remember being too high to stop her. I remember the feelings of helplessness I’d have when I was too far gone. I remember choking on my own vomit on the cold, hard floor of some rest stop bathroom. I don’t miss a single thing about my old life, but my body misses the feelings which self-medicating supplied. It scares me sometimes, and if it weren’t for Ronnie and Grey, I’m really not sure whether I’d have my impulses under control.
I can feel everyone’s eyes are still on me, but I can’t bring myself to look up. I want to look at Travis. I want to see if he’s as heartbroken as I am after my little speech. I can’t bring myself to do that either. I stare at the ground as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
“Trevor…” I hear Tony begin in a concerned tone.
Feeling more vulnerable than ever, I leave the room, feeling as if I’m about to puke. I hear the door slam shut behind me as I walk down the empty hallway toward the entrance as tears sting my eyes. Thankfully, I don’t hear the door open again. I didn’t want anyone to fucking follow me. All I need at the moment is my space. I exit the church and go straight to my car. Happy to get the fuck out of here.
I can’t get control of myself; my tears feel endless. Not gut-wrenching sobs, but silent tears instead. I blare Joy Division in my car in an attempt to distract my mind. My mind is blank and my body is numb. While my fucking heart hurts, the smallest part of me feels relieved. I never thought I’d be able to speak in front of a group like that, and yet, I did it. I should be proud of myself, but as I trudge through my inner turmoil, I can’t anything other than pain.
I’m too upset to go home. So, I pull off the road and park outside a gas station. It looks to be standing on its last leg. There’s no one around, so I let myself relax. I turn up the music some more and close my eyes, letting my mind clear as one track slips into the next. I want to go inside and buy a pack of cigarettes, but instead, I gnaw on my lip and wait for the craving to pass. It never does, of course, so I pull out my emergency package of gum from my glove compartment and pop a piece into my mouth. I wipe my face with the sleeve of my shirt and close my eyes once again. Pink Floyd eases my mind, but my heart’s still pounding in my chest. When I open my eyes, I drive. I drive until I can breathe again.
I don’t get home until just after ten o’clock. I check my phone before heading up to my apartment. I have a few missed calls from Ronnie and a worried text. The meetings usually end around eight, and I always come directly home afterward. As guilty as I feel, I wasn’t ready to come home a moment sooner. I didn’t want her to see me like that. I needed the time in solitude to control my emotions before coming back to reality.
I open the front door to find my apartment is decked out for Grey’s party. It looks fucking fantastic and I can’t believe Ronnie did this all by herself. There’s Winnie-the-Pooh stuff everywhere. My eyes fill with tears. I feel so fucking sappy, crying over a giant display of balloons that are arranged to look like Pooh. Grey’s going to fucking love this! I manage to pull myself together by the time my girl greets me.
“Thank, God, you’re home. I was getting so worried about you,” Ronnie says before placing a kiss on my upper back and wrapping her arms around my waist.
I enjoy the feel of her warm body against mine, as it calms me down. I feel every one of my muscles relax as I feel her heartbeat vibrate against my back. She’s so fucking soothing. Now, I regret staying out so long. “Sorry, baby. I just had to have some time to think.”
“Is everything all right?”
I gently grab her arm and bring her around so I can look into her eyes. “Everything’s okay now.” I give her a long, passionate kiss and everything else evades me. I don’t know how she has the ability to make me feel so wonderful, but I’m grateful for it.
“Are you excited for tomorrow?” she questions as she shyly looks around the room.
I realize I haven’t told her how fucking incredible everything looks. I’m so fucking proud of her. “I’m excited, babe. This place looks incredible. I can’t believe you did all of this.”
She blushes and smiles at me. “Well, I called Eden for some help with the balloons… but I did everything else myself. I had Harper play with Greyson in his room, so he hasn’t seen any of it yet.”
“He
’s going to love it,” I assure her. Fuck, Grey’s going to be over the moon thrilled. I can’t even begin to imagine.
“I’m so excited to celebrate with him. I can’t believe he’s turning one tomorrow!”
My little boy is going to be one! I can’t believe I’ve had him for eight months and he’s still healthy and happy. I can’t believe we’ve come this far together. I can’t believe I’ve been successful at this “parenting thing.” I hope tomorrow is filled with so much love and happiness. He’s lost so much in his short life already. I made a promise to myself I would do my best to make him happy and give him as much love as humanly possible. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.
Grey is up before dawn, as if he could sense the excitement this day promised. My heart felt as if it were going to burst as I picked him up this morning; I was holding my one-year-old son for the first time. He feels the same, smells the same, and sounds the same. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I thought there would be something different about my little guy. He’s the same baby I’ve grown to love. Maybe I was just worried. Fearing he’d be so much older overnight. I don’t know where this fear came from… Maybe I’m just afraid of missing a crucial moment in his life. After losing Dean, I can admit that I’ve been a bit obsessive when it comes to Grey. I’m just so fucking paranoid, and I don’t even realize it until moments like these.
“Dada!” Grey squeals as I take him to the bathroom to get ready.
The Blessing Page 56
