Soon enough Sally and Tina were excusing themselves to retire and Steven said his goodbyes too. Craig and I sat on the sofa looking at each other like we'd just met. He took my hand ever so gently and a hundred visions of the same action passed through my memory.
"Do you want me to stay?" he asked, looking more like he was begging than asking.
I shook my head. I couldn't say anything as he nodded that he understood, stood up and left the room. When I heard the front door close I went into my room and cried till I was asleep. How could I feel so empty about someone I had loved for so long? And how long would my emotions be like this, overloading and possibly threatening any likelihood that Craig and I could rebuild our friendship?
Chapter 3
To wake on a Sunday morning and know that you have to clean up after a party is never an enjoyable experience. And when I got to the living room I could see that Sally and Tina were thinking exactly the same thing. But once we all got stuck in, it was amazing how quickly the rubbish was removed and the flat was cleaned and in the process of being aired out.
When Sally and I were left alone a statement left my mouth before I had even really thought about it. "Sally, I would really love to see Steven again."
She looked a bit stunned for a moment and then started laughing. The unconfident girl inside of me was embarrassed, certain that Sally must view the idea as some kind of joke. As hard as it was for me to do so, I had to ask what was so funny.
"You sound like you want me to help you but I know, Debbie, that Steven would love to hear from you and that you don't need my assistance at all."
Still not having the confidence to believe what she was saying, I looked at her to see if she was joking or not, and then she became very serious all of a sudden.
"Steven is a nice guy, Debbie, but he is very sensitive. If you aren't sure whether you do really like him or not, please don't push because he'll only get hurt. And even though it's easy to forget sometimes that he can't walk, don't, because it will be important later on that you can handle all his problems related to it." She smiled and took my hand. "Please just think carefully before doing anything, okay?" I nodded in return.
I didn't think I would need a week to decide whether to telephone Steven or not, but I took it anyway. I was very aware that my emotions might not quite be settled yet, after seeing Craig. But when Friday came, I knew I'd have to ring him. Craig had called a couple of times but we hadn't seen each other again, and I felt like right now I didn't really want to anyway. Sadly, at this time, Craig seemed to be turning into a figure from the past, and not a part of my present at all. I was greatly aware of this feeling and was saddened by it. When I had planned to return back to Dunedin I had dreamed of us falling straight back into being best friends, and everything being just happy and fulfilling, and even now I couldn't identify why I wasn't automatically feeling that with him. He was still the same person on the inside, as I was, but something kept holding me back from letting myself just fall into the level of friendship we had before.
* * * *
Friday night I sat down and stared at the phone, trying to make a decision. I could almost hear the words of my mother from many years before: "Never chase boys, let them do the running!"
Finally I let all pride drop and dialled the number Sally had given to me. Someone picked up the phone at the other end even before I heard the dial tone begin.
"Hello?" a male voice answered and I had to take a deep breath before plunging any further.
"Hello, may I speak to Steven please?"
I sighed in relief as the male voice answered that he would go and get him. When the voice appeared that I did know was Steven's, my heart jumped a beat.
"Hi Steven, this is Debbie."
I halted for a moment, expecting him to ask "Who?" But he didn't.
"Hi Debbie, how are you? Did you get the flat back to normal after Saturday night?"
And from there we talked about anything that I guess two nervous people can small talk about.
After a while he said, "Hey, Debbie, my folks are expecting an important phone call so I have to go, but I'd like you to call again. Maybe you could come over here sometime?"
He sounded so nervous that I had to smile.
"How about tomorrow, Steven?"
I heard a sigh, which I hoped signified relief or happiness.
"Okay. Would 2 o'clock suit you? My parents will be out then."
After hanging up I felt like I was about to go on a first date and that nothing could bring me down.
* * * *
Despite the fact that I didn't get much sleep that night, when I awoke Saturday morning I did feel alive and refreshed. Walking to Steven's house that afternoon, I wondered if I was really doing the right thing. I had never pushed myself on anyone before, but now I put down all fear that I may have had once upon a time. The feeling of needing to see Steven, rather than just wanting to see him, had built and was too great. Before my time away from my home town, I would never have approached anyone - except Craig that day. The fear of rejection was etched so deeply inside of me that even now there was a concern that I would be rejected by Steven, but at the same time I determined that it would not hurt to face that rejection if it did happen.
I needn't have worried - as soon as I rang the doorbell, there he was. And, to my relief, he didn't in any way seem disappointed to see me. After leading me into the lounge and us both getting comfortable on the sofa, a silence fell that was shattering. As if feeling my nervousness, Steven started talking full steam ahead, and that was enough for us to both relax and slowly begin getting to know each other. I had never met anyone with a disability like Steven's before, but I never imagined someone in that position to be so alive - like not being able to walk was just a minor setback in life. As he talked I couldn't help but wonder - would I be able to handle it if suddenly I could never walk ever again?
The front door opening broke my chain of thought and Steven and I both looked up to see his parents looking somewhat surprised at the sight of us. "So this is the young lady who rang yesterday. I'm very pleased to meet you." Steven's father shook hands with me and Mrs Chalmers introduced herself also.
"Mum, Dad, this is Debbie. She flats with Sally just down the road," Steven said to both as they sat down on the sofa opposite us. I felt like I was a being from outer space, being subjected to extreme scrutiny and examination.
"Dear, how about we make a cup of tea?" Steven's mother asked his father. "Would you like some, Debbie?" She asked and I nodded. "Yes, please."
They made their way out of the room, giggling like a couple of young children, and when I looked at Steven he was looking very embarrassed.
"Sorry. They just never thought they'd see the day where a lady would be sitting here beside me," he said before pausing and looking right into my eyes, and I felt a chill go down my spine. "Especially someone as pretty as you."
I was speechless and could feel my face burning in an intense blush but I had a longing to kiss Steven that was so strong - more than anything I had experienced before. Maybe if his parents hadn't returned right then I would have found the courage to kiss him, even in expectation of him not wanting to kiss me.
For the next couple of hours we all laughed and I found Steven's dad to have a similar sense of humour as I did, and that managed to make me feel right at home. As if Mr and Mrs Chalmers sensed our feelings, they eventually got up to go out for a walk and left us alone.
"I like your parents. They are really neat," I said, trying to make conversation when in fact it was kissing that I most desired to do with the man sitting beside me.
"They're pretty impressed by you too," he returned and as much as I tried, I couldn't keep my mind on the conversation. There was only one way to approach the subject, although being forward about such things wasn't something I was used to.
"Steven," I said and tried hard to look into his eyes, not at his lips. He hummed back ever so quietly, with a soft question in the sound. "I don
't know how to ask you this because I don't usually do this, but would you..." I didn't have to finish the sentence because as if reading my thoughts he asked, "Kiss you?" and I nodded.
His hand came up and stroked my cheek ever so gently before he leaned in and kissed me. To me it felt like Steven was treasuring the moment to remember for always. As nice as it was, when he drew back I couldn't let that be all. I leaned in and kissed him with more longing than I could ever have had for anyone before that moment. It was such a new sensation for me, like something I had only dared dream of when I was growing up. Always in reality I had always been too scared to even talk to people, but in my thoughts I had dreamed deeply of someone liking me just enough to want to kiss me.
We broke apart, breathless, and by now all I could do was hold Steven tight - I felt like I didn't want this man to ever leave my side. As if he felt the same way, he held me just as tight in his arms. After a couple of minutes I leaned back and took his hand. When I looked into his eyes all I could do was smile. And then he smiled. And all both of us could do was laugh until tears flowed down my cheeks. His parents returned then and I couldn't believe an hour had passed - it wasn't long enough! But I had to go, and when I was alone with Steven once more I felt just so relaxed.
"I really have to go," I said and he nodded. "Call me okay?"
He nodded again as I quietly let myself out the front door.
All the way home all I could think was 'Wow!' and that dreamy smile didn't leave my face for a minute. Well, not until I got to the flat anyway. Tina was preparing some food for herself in the kitchen and yelled to me as I walked through.
"Craig has phoned for you three times, Debbie. Can you call him back, please?"
I felt confused at having just come from Steven and was now being forced to think about Craig. The confusion made me want to ignore the message, but I could hear the pleading in Tina's voice.
"Okay, thanks Tina."
I felt angry with Craig. It was almost like I felt he was invading my space, but he was my best friend, wasn't he? Why did his being back in my life play with my emotions as much as it did? And why weren't the emotions positive ones, when he had been such a huge influence and person of importance in my life?
Slowly I dialled the number and straight away that all too familiar voice was on the phone, "Hello?"
"Hi Craig, how are you?" I blurted out, knowing very well that I sounded annoyed - not at all how I wanted to sound to the man who had for such a long period of time been my best friend.
"Debs, I have been trying to get in touch with you. Where have you been?"
And that was all it took for me to feel the worst feeling of all - guilt.
"What's up, Craig?" I asked, purposely avoiding the question.
"Nothing. I just need to see you, to be with you and talk. Would you like to come over?"
I sighed, not knowing what exactly was the best thing to do, given the very strange mood I seemed to be in. My emotions made no sense to me but I couldn't seem to control them. It was like two parts of my heart, my head and my nature were fighting with one another - one half wanting me to just embrace the new thing I'd started with Steven, but the other half wanting me to not bother with him, and instead just give myself to Craig.
"How about you come over here, Craig? I just got home and I don't want to go out again. Just wander over whenever you like, okay?"
Sure enough, within ten minutes there was a knock at the door. Tina let Craig in and when I arrived at the door we both had the same reaction as we'd had the night of the party - just standing still, staring at each other, taking in how much we had both changed physically. Tina looked from me to Craig and back to me before turning to leave. After a moment I took Craig's hand and led him into my bedroom. As soon as the door closed Craig put his arms around me and held me so tight. Two years ago I wouldn't have ever wanted to leave but now I just felt suffocated. I pushed him away gently and went and sat on the bed. In a minute he was sitting beside me with his big brown sad eyes and I thought I would cry at any moment.
"What has happened to us, Deb? I thought that if we both changed for the better, our friendship would be better too. But instead it feels like all we've done is drift further apart, like our friendship means nothing to you," Craig said, taking my hand in his and holding it firmly.
I held back the tears as I gripped his hand as hard as I could.
"Craig, you are so very important to me, but we have both changed a lot, and perhaps are both still changing." I paused for a moment and tried to think of what exactly I wanted to say. "I want to spend time with you and I love the thought of us getting in a band together again. But just for now I need a little space from you. I feel confused about everything, and I need to let my head and my heart catch up a bit. We need to get to know each other again slowly, not jump right in like you're trying to do." I paused. "Can you understand what I'm saying, Craig?"
There was a moment's quiet as I looked into the eyes of a man who just didn't seem to know how he was supposed to act or what was the right thing to say. "I understand what you're saying, Debs, but for so long I have wanted to be with you. I love you, don't you know that?"
I was speechless and as much as I knew I should, when Craig kissed me I didn't have the strength to turn away from him. For that moment it seemed like it had been a long time since I had let any man make me feel wanted and needed physically, even though it had been only that same day that I had been kissing Steven. And for a while Craig made me forget everything, including who I was with.
As soon as we lay down on the bed I knew I should stop what was going to happen but it wasn't until I felt Craig's hands being really intimate that I snapped. In one move I was off the bed and standing beside the door. "Craig, you have to leave. I'm sorry but this isn't right..."
Craig stood up and yelled, sounding desperate, "Yes, it is. It is right!"
"Not for me, Craig. I need time to get to know you again." I looked at him before slowly opening the door. "Please just leave."
He stared at me with a very 'I don't believe you' look before storming out of the flat, slamming the front door behind him.
Tina came running in. "Is everything okay, Debbie?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah, thanks for asking but everything's fine."
Chapter 4
Sunday morning I woke up feeling like my head was going to split open. If I had seen myself from another's view I would have sworn I had a hangover, but all it was from was too much crying and too little sleep. How could I feel so miserable over the actions and words of my best friend? And was it really Craig I was angry at, at all? Or was it guilt inside of me from kissing him and Steven in the same day, and me just subconsciously needing to convert that guilt into blaming someone else for my own actions? As if my thoughts had travelled through the walls and down the hallway, a knock came on my door. Sally appeared.
"Good morning, Debbie. I thought you might like a cup of coffee," she said, smiling as she entered.
"Great, Sally. Thanks. But what is this for?"
I knew her too well to think this was purely out of goodness. She sat down on my bed.
"Tina told me that Craig visited last night. Is everything alright between the two of you?"
I smiled at her.
"Craig has always been such a good friend of mine but right now he's a bit confused and I need time out too. He just has to accept that we've both changed and I am finding it difficult to determine where we stand with each other right now." It seemed clear now what had happened the night before and I began worrying about Craig. It was the same feeling I'd had while I was away for those two years - those very long two years. "I just don't know what direction Craig and I are supposed to be moving in."
"Well, what about the directions involving my cousin, Debbie?" Sally asked and I kept quiet for a moment, looking at her and trying to read whether she'd rather I was, or wasn't, seeing Steven. "I don't want to pry into your business but I care about him and I would like to know."
"Sally, I am very attracted to Steven. I like him a lot but I do remember what you said and I am treading very carefully." I paused a moment. "If you asked me to leave him alone, I would. I don't want you to resent me for being with him."
"I won't resent you Debbie. I have told you my thoughts and you have listened. Whatever happens now is totally just between the two of you." With that she arose. "Now get up, would you? Anyone would think you had a hard night last night."
When I was alone again I started rethinking about Craig. Maybe I should call him? No, the best thing to do was to leave him. Wasn't it?
* * * *
The rest of the day I spent at the flat, doing little jobs - anything in fact to hide that I was really waiting for a phone call, from either of two people. But no call came - not that day or the next, or the day after that. I felt that I had deceived everyone and now I was being made to pay.
On Wednesday night I was resigned to the possibility that no-one was going to call me at all, but I needn't have worried because on Thursday the phone did ring - Steven.
"Sorry I haven't called before now but it's been impossible to get any privacy around here!"
It sounded like he had just found a quiet moment but then his parents had returned. Once again I had a smile on my face. "Would you like to come over later, Debbie? Mum and Dad are going out, right Mum?"
"Yeah, I'll come over. See you then, Steven."
Those quickened heartbeats started up again and I was again amazed at how even just the thought of Steven excited me, even when he was nowhere to be seen. All I could think about were his kisses. It felt like I was experiencing the opportunity to begin my life all over again - well, my adolescence anyway. I had to make a conscious effort not to sprint down the road, but when I got there I realised that it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Once I was inside and on the sofa beside him, that was all that counted. Even though I had only seen him two times, something about Steven had reeled me in, making me feel like a giggly schoolgirl. Like any shred of maturity I might have gained over the previous two years no longer existed.
Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1) Page 2
