"I have been wanting to be close to you since we came back, but I didn't want to seem like I was pushing for anything," he said, guiding me to sit with him on his sofa. "It has been on my mind, that day…"
"I know. It has been on my mind too."
He paused, taking my hand and holding it close to him. "When we arrived at Dunedin Airport, I was blown away by what I saw."
I smiled sadly at him. "I was, too … I didn't know he had been working toward that particular goal."
"He accomplished that just while we were away?" Craig asked, with an odd expression on his face.
"No, he had been working toward that for quite a long time, on his own, without me knowing about it."
Craig sat silent again, and I could tell from his face that he had a lot of thoughts that were rolling around in his head. I waited until he was ready to speak again.
"There were so many things I had been thinking I could offer you that he can't … seeing him like that brought me back down to Earth and reminded me that he isn't just a boyfriend you can dismiss. He is your husband … Chris's father." Pause. "I can't compete with that."
"Craig, please don't think about 'competing' or 'winning' - you are as important to me as he is."
"Since that day, have you asked yourself how life would be if you were with me instead?"
Now he was looking at me with a great depth in his eyes. He hadn't taken our time together as lightly as I had thought he had.
"Yes."
"I wasn't forward enough, was I - in making sure you knew what I wanted us to be?" he asked and I took some time to think about that. He was right - over all the time since I'd returned to Dunedin, he had said things a lot but he had never actually asked me if we could be together, in a relationship. A pursuit, without any declaration, I thought to myself.
"You have always told me how you feel about me. And who knows, if I had turned toward you instead of being out of your reach, you might not have been so eager for the long haul…" I started and he jumped in to object.
"I've always loved you. That has nothing to do with you being in a relationship with anyone else," he said, sounding wounded and hurt by my words.
We sat in silence for quite some time before I could think of anything more to carry on the conversation.
"Did Andrea suspect what had happened between us?" I asked and he shook his head.
"No … well if she did, she didn't mention it to me. She knew that the end of my relationship with her was close - that was all she was focused on then. I don't think even now she has any real comprehension of how much I feel for you … she wasn't hurt by us, if that is what you are worried about," he said quietly. "But things are okay there. We are getting on with the recording this week, and she seems fine, doesn't she?" he asked.
"Yes … she does. But do you miss her … as a partner?"
He shook his head quickly, not even needing to take any time to consider that question.
"No. We tried and it wasn't right. I think we both agree on that. There is nothing to feel sad about there."
I continued to look at him, as he seemed to struggle with having something to say but not being sure if it could do damage in some way if he voiced it.
After a few minutes he spoke again.
"Debs, I need you to tell me where I fit in to your life - what do you want from me? Where should I be and what should I be doing? I don't know whether to come forward toward you, or stay back and let you come to me. I don't know what you want."
I was temporarily shocked, as many possible interpretations ran through my mind of what Craig could be asking me in what he had just said. Before I could answer what he had asked, I definitely needed clarification.
"Craig, I don't know what you are asking me," I said, searching for meaning in his face.
"Yes you do," he responded quietly.
"Please tell me more clearly, or ask more clearly…"
And yet another silence ensued, and I thought that this was another example of us being in a situation where Craig wanted something from me, but seemed to find it difficult to share that openly with me.
He spoke, finding strength even though I could see he was embarrassed.
"I know that you are married to Steven. I know you are a mother. I know you won't leave them." Silence. "But I can still be here for you if you want me…" Now he was getting flustered and I was starting to see where he was going.
"Wait, are you asking me to be with you, physically?" He nodded slightly, looking down. "You want us to be lovers - to repeat our time alone together, like in Australia? Ongoing?" He nodded again. "Oh, no, do you realise what you are asking?"
"Yes! I am asking you to let us have some happiness like we could have done if you hadn't married Steven. I am asking you to let me also make you happy … to fulfil you."
"Oh, Craig…" I started, feeling an overwhelming sense of … well, loss really … "I love you, I don't regret our time together … but don't offer yourself part time to me or anyone - you are worth so much more…"
"Well, obviously I'm not, otherwise you and I would be together!" he lashed back at me with a slight trace of anger in his voice, and in that moment I was reminded of who we were when we first met, as teenagers with such ingrained senses of not being wanted or worth anything to anyone.
"You are worth more than that! You need someone who can give to you fully, to help you believe in who you are, to make you see how beautiful you are - you can't get that from me, or anyone who is already in a relationship."
He sat silent, head down, with an incredible wave of sadness and sorrow coming off him.
"I just want to be with you - completely," he said quietly, and I felt tears really threaten in my eyes as I was presented with the thought in my mind that in that moment, if there weren't so many other people to consider, I could have just so easily accepted his offer to at least continue to be lovers, if not more. But there were other people to think about.
"Craig, I don't know if you and I would have been better long term than me and Steven - none of us know that. But we've all made our choices, and there is a child involved, and I won't risk upsetting her home life…"
"I'm not asking you to…"
"Yes you are! If we embarked on that, there would always be times where you wanted me to be with you and I couldn't be. Or I would want it too but it would be at the expense of my home and family." I paused a long while before continuing. "You are my closest friend, I adore you, I want you in my life … but the time when we could have been together has passed. And we can't go back and choose a different path now…"
He jumped up. "I can't talk about this any more right now. Come … let's eat."
Chapter 33
The following week Steven and I went out to purchase materials to decorate a new nursery and two bedrooms.
In the weekend we all got up early. The first bedroom to be tackled was the nursery - or the spare room, as we told Chris. We didn't want to tell her she would have a brother or sister until closer to the due time.
"Pink or blue? We got both!" I laughed and Chris came up with the idea.
"How about these two walls pink, and those two blue?" So we did. Well at least no-one could say it was dull!
"Can my bedroom be pink too? I like pink," she said, and the look on her face when we'd finished painting was awesome - she looked like all her Christmases had come at once.
During the week we moved all the furniture upstairs but we didn't tell Chris her room was ready till she went into her old room after school. She came out, looking confused at us, then screamed, "It's ready", as she ran upstairs. We followed her and I had to admit, I wished I had had a bedroom like that when I was a kid.
We had put our bedroom between the two kids' rooms - unsure of whether that would be a great idea when they got older. When I sat on the window seat I could look out at the ocean for ages. Steven sat beside me. "All the years we didn't even come up here - a waste, huh?" he said and I smiled sadly.
"When
Chris was born I spent lots of time up here. It was my escape - this and the beach."
Thinking back to that time when I felt like I couldn't face or spend time with the people I loved, hurt - a lot.
"Yeah, after my rehabilitation I spent a lot of time on the sand while you were away. There's something reassuring about the sea and the sound of the waves, isn't there?" He was quiet for a few minutes, both of us looking out the window. "Is something wrong, Debbie?" he asked and I shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't know. I think something might be wrong with Craig - I just can't shake the feeling."
"Then phone him," Steven said and I did just that, but there was no answer at Craig's house.
Just then the doorbell rang. I ran downstairs, knowing who it was before I answered the door.
There stood Craig, with tears flowing stronger than I had ever seen. I took his hand and we went to the beach, not saying anything.
Finally he spoke. "Hey, I've made a decision - the hardest decision I have ever had to make." I urged him to go on. "I'm leaving New Zealand."
I was in shock. "What?"
He started crying loudly. "I love you so much. Do you think I have forgotten that day? I haven't - I can't. I know you're happy - I have to find happiness too, and I just can't do it when you're so close." He paused. "Do you understand?"
The tears came to my eyes but I nodded. "Of course I understand. But what about the band?"
He shrugged. "It couldn't have gone on forever. We've had a fantastic six or seven years. I'll never forget it - I'll never forget you."
We sat in silence and then I took his hand in mine.
"Well, please just make me one promise," I said and he asked what that would be. "I'm expecting another baby. Stay until it's born, please." He looked unsure. "If I go through what I did last time, I'm going to need you."
He sat silent for a few minutes, and I could see thoughts churning around in his mind. Finally he spoke.
"You're pregnant?" he asked and I nodded. "Is there any chance that it is my baby you are pregnant with, Debs?" he asked, surprising me - not because he had asked it, but rather because I had not even considered that I wasn't already pregnant before that day in the hotel.
Although, of course, not absolutely certain, I shook my head. "No."
He stood up and pulled me to him. "You aren't going to go through post natal depression again. You are a wonderful mother, and you don't need me for this." Silence. "I have to go. I know that you of all people will understand why I have to. Just like you had to go, way back then."
I nodded to him.
"I have things to tidy up anyway - selling my house, finishing up with the band - it will be a few weeks yet before I head off."
"You are selling your beautiful home? But you love it…"
He shook his head, looking at me so sadly.
"I bought it with you in mind, Debs - it was going to be for us. It is now time for me to move on from that."
We hugged and I walked him to the front door. Steven appeared and Craig gave him a look that was unfathomable to me - not dislike, not hatred, not jealousy … but perhaps resignation.
They didn't say anything to each other, this being the first time they had been in close vicinity since Craig and I had returned from the tour. It was unspoken - Craig and I had been together, and Steven knew that Craig and I had been together.
I ushered Craig to the front door, frightened of what might eventually be said if we all stood like that long enough.
"Please don't leave without saying goodbye," I pleaded with him, knowing it was a distinct possibility.
He hugged me tight. "I won't."
Chapter 34
Over the next three weeks, things moved quickly. We liaised with the record company to make sure there would be no ramifications to us splitting apart from each other and from them. Craig's house was listed and, of course, easily sold. It was a beautiful home, and perfect for a loving family.
Once it was all tidied and done, Craig came to my home and once again we walked down to the beach, to be alone, away from everyone.
"You are ready to go?" I asked, as he hugged me.
I looked up into his eyes and saw he was trying hard not to cry, but his eyes watered, giving him away.
He looked at me so closely, so intensely. "Yes, everything is in place now. I am going to fly out to Sydney early tomorrow morning, and see where fate leads me from there."
We sat down on the sand, looking out over the waves, as we had done so many times in recent years.
"You know I would take you with me, easily and quickly, if you want," he said and I had to look at him to make sure that he was joking. He let out a small laugh. "Okay, maybe that wasn't so funny, given where we are."
I smiled at him - at his attempt to lighten this whole situation.
"I do love you, Craig - please don't ever forget that," I said, taking his hand and holding it tight.
"I know," he replied, his eyes now overflowing with moisture. "Unfortunately that only makes it all the harder for me understand why you are with Steven and not with me."
We sat closer on the sand and he put his arms around me. It was a comfort I had known for so long, a comfort that would soon not be available to me. My mind started churning, questioning if I had made the right decision, living the life I was. Was everything I had done, worth losing my closest friend for? But of course it was - even setting Steven aside, out of the picture, I had a beautiful daughter and another baby on the way, and they were everything to me. They were what was most important.
I did not want to move, I did not want to say goodbye, and I definitely did not want to leave that spot.
Dark started to encroach and envelope us, and Craig pulled his arm back from around me.
"Come on, we can't keep sitting here. We have to keep moving forward, not sitting still," Craig said, and I knew he was applying those words to our lives in general, not just sitting on the beach.
We walked inside through the back door, dropping hands as we passed through and into the house.
Steven appeared and Craig called his attention. "Take real good care of Deb - she needs it more than she'll ever admit."
He turned to walk away and I couldn't hold back the tears. "Craig?" I asked and he turned for a second.
"I know. I won’t do to you what I did the last time we were apart. I will write, okay?" I nodded. All I needed was that reassurance.
He hesitated, considering whether to move finally toward the door or back toward me, before turning around and pulling me into his arms.
"I really do love you, Debs," he whispered into my ear, before he broke down, visibly crying.
I put my arms around him and held him tight. I did not want to let him go. I did not want him to leave.
"I know you do. I love you too," I whispered back, and then he was gone.
* * * *
After Craig left, Steven pulled me into a hug. "What was that all about?"
"Craig's leaving to go overseas tomorrow."
We sat down. "It's really freaky to me how you guys can know when the other's in trouble or upset. Why do you think that is?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. It is just something that has always been."
"Well then you don't have to worry, do you? You'll feel if he ever needs you again," Steven said and smiled sadly. Would I?
Chapter 35
Our new baby girl, Samantha, seemed to be born happy, and her happiness continued as Steven, Chris and I all devoted time to her, and to ourselves. Although I was fearful that post natal depression would strike again, fortunately this time it didn't.
I waited and waited for a letter from Craig but nothing came - until two years later. Steven handed me the envelope, knowing exactly who it would be from.
Opening it, I found no letter - just an invitation … to his wedding. I looked at Steven in a mixed state of feelings and he took it from me.
"Getting married - in Italy no less - wow! Do you want to go?"
<
br /> "I don't know. Can we afford it?" I asked and he pulled an envelope out of his pocket. Pulling a cheque out and handing it to me, he grinned.
"My latest royalty cheque came today - I think we can afford it!"
I laughed and hugged him. "Congratulations! I didn't even know you had sent a new book away."
He blushed. "Well I wasn't sure the publisher would like this one - it is a bit different than my previous books."
"Well they obviously did like it!" We kissed. Wow, a famous author for a husband. He never ceased to amaze me.
We sat down. "I think that we have done a fantastic job bringing up our children so far. If you want to go to this wedding, I want you to go. You deserve a holiday…"
I cut him off. "Wait, you seem to be putting this just on me. I'm not going to Italy by myself!"
"What about the kids?" he asked but answered before I could. "No, Mum and Dad would be glad to move in here for a couple of weeks."
We sat in silence for a few minutes, pondering options. "Shall we?"
"Two weeks - alone?"
"A second honeymoon?"
We started to giggle like children.
Chapter 36
A month later we were off. We allowed a week either side of the wedding in Italy to relax and just be full time lovers. When we arrived in the city where Craig's wedding would be held two days later, I pulled the envelope out again. The invitation had only the wedding date and venue written on it - the hotel we had booked into. I turned the envelope over, again hoping to see an address, or any clue as to how I could find Craig before the wedding. Nothing was there - he had left it off. On purpose? Or an oversight by whoever sent the invitation?
We climbed out of the taxi we had caught from the train station, and entered the hotel - a beautiful, grand building like so many we had seen in our travels to date.
As we walked into the hotel we moved forward toward the reception desk, and Steven approached the receptionist to check us in. As he did so, the sound of someone playing the piano caught my ears. It was music that was so familiar, yet different. Like I knew it, but it was a different interpretation of the original version. Slower, softer and more melodic.
Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1) Page 16
