“You needed him to be home more…” I began.
“That was part of it,” she admitted. “And I was the happiest woman in the world when you and Randy came along. But I always had dreams about becoming a teacher,” she said, almost in a whisper. “And he couldn’t… he wouldn’t consider the idea of my having a career of my own.”
“I… I had no idea, Mom…”
“I know you didn’t, sweetheart,” she said. “I never wanted you to think that being your mother wasn’t enough for me,” she sighed. “Things were different then… although they weren’t that different. Most women had careers. But your father was very old fashioned in so many ways. The funny thing is, it was one of the things I loved about him most, when we met…”
We paused, each settling into our own thoughts. Flashes, memories of my childhood flew through my brain. How many assumptions had I made… how many things had I misunderstood…?
“I never saw a man in more pain,” she said, “when you gave Jason that ring back and told him you never wanted to see him again. I know it was every bit as hard for you too, Emmy. I was there. I saw. I just don’t want you to get hurt again. You need to open up more to him than just your heart. You need to tell him what you want, what you need… how you feel. And you need to listen to him, too. I know the idea is scary, but it’s better to put all your cards on the table in the very beginning…”
I nodded, knowing she was right. She and Connie were the only two women in my life who truly understood. “He’s giving it up,” I said, curving one hand protectively over my flat belly. “Once this job is done, he’s giving it all up. He’ll fight for the environment through his foundation instead. And we can finally have the life we dreamed of… and a family of our own.” I heard her take a breath in to speak, then she exhaled instead. “He’ll be safe this way, Mom,” I went on. “That’s the most important thing.”
“You’ll be marrying a firefighter,” she said softly. “And they’re a different breed of man altogether, whether they’re on the job or not. Maybe loving him for who he is might be the most important thing…”
“And I do,” I said, reassuringly. “I feel like the luckiest woman alive. I called you first… and I’m calling Connie too. I need all the help I can get, putting a wedding together so fast. I want everything to be perfect when he gets back. I’m thinking we’ll have the ceremony in the glade behind the house where the pine trees arch up overhead, and the reception here in the cabin where we can all warm back up again. Just family and a few friends…” I stopped to catch my breath. “I want everything to be so perfect, just like I always dreamed.”
“I can be packed up and on my way by Friday afternoon,” she said, indulgently. “I love you so much, Emmy, and I’m just so happy you’re finally happy again. Jason’s always been the only one for you. And I know there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do to make you happy…
“I just want you to remember that a wedding is just a day. One day. It’s the life you make together afterwards that matters.”
“Holy shit…” Connie said. “So he gives it all up, just like that…
“I wonder what I’ve been doing wrong all these years…?”
I laughed and switched the phone to the other ear. “I couldn’t believe it. I opened the door and there he was.”
“He came back to claim the woman he loves,” she said, dreamily. “You know, you two are the only couple I know that could turn an awful breakup into a fairytale.” She chuckled into the phone. “You know I’ll do anything I can to help… I could arrange for flowers while I’m here in town, maybe bring some bridal magazines…” I could hear her tapping her nails. “You two sure didn’t leave a hell of a lot of time for planning this…”
“He wants to get married as soon as he and Randy get back.”
“And he’s willing to give it all up…” she murmured. “After the first year, I gave up all hope for that. Somewhere between baby number one and baby number two. Tell you what… If Sarah’s not going to be there till Friday, how about I drop the kids at the sitter’s and head up in the morning? We can make our game plan and drive into Aspen on Thursday. We’ve got a lot of choices to make, and a lot of dresses to try on… We need to use every second we’ve got.”
“...Con…?” I started, uncertain.
“Hmmm…?”
“I need you to bring something with you when you come,” I said tentatively, my heart pounding away. “You’re right, there’s not a moment to lose…
“And one thing that just won’t wait…”
26
Jason
“Cap’s on a chopper to Denver,” Carl said. “They didn’t take off until he knew you were on your way back.” He was a good man, a senior on the crew, and had to yell over the roar of chainsaws and the sharp, shattering sounds of cracking wood. “Broken leg and possible concussion,” he shouted. “He left Randy as squad leader only until you got here… Might be a chance of flying in another captain, but until then, you’re it.”
We both looked up, just as forty feet of frozen timber came crashing down. The sound was deafening, unearthly, something you never forget and never become fully accustomed to. And the silence that follows is always more than simple silence. It’s the utter absence of sound and movement. As if life, for a moment, has ceased altogether…
It lasted only long enough for me to take a breath and shout directions to half a dozen men. My breath froze in the air in front of me as I stomped through the dense underbrush, branches snapping under my heavy boots. The wind was picking up again, and it carried that faint, all too familiar scent. I needed to look at the reports and maps… maybe even to fly over the active hot spots and see for myself exactly what we were facing. No California fire in history had ever made it this far east before, and my gut told me that strategy was imperative now. I had that sense again of facing an opponent; an energy. Not mindlessly roaming, but with intent; a darkness searching to make itself more powerful than ever…
Randy came toward me, a radio in one hand and a pack on his shoulder. “You should be the fuck asleep while you can,” I said, catching his stride. “You need food…”
“I got a few hours,” he answered. “More than some of the guys. I had them put some sandwiches in the pack… I had a feeling you’d want to take a look from the air.”
“You read my mind,” I said, clapping a heavy hand on his back. “I gotta get up there, the sooner the better, and look this demon straight in the face,” I said as we headed for the base. “This thing seems to be winding its way around every line we’ve drawn. It should have stopped altogether… slowed at the very least. Instead, the fucking thing seems to be growing by the second.”
“I’m going up with you…”
“I need you on the ground,” I cut him off. “If my instincts are right, it’s going to track the west ridge of this range.” I took the map from his hand and pointed.
“But the winds are to the south now.”
“And my gut is telling me that’s about to change,” I said. “I don’t have a helluva lot more to base it on than that. Common sense says it’d go through the populated areas because there’s more fuel…”
“But you think it’s not?” We were getting closer to the clearing where the chopper waited and we were leaning close to hear each other.
“It’s something in the smoke,” I said loudly, holding up a hand to shield my eyes. “It’s still a ways off, and I could be wrong. But I think it’s out of the cedars and in the pines now. It’s a different scent when they burn… and the needles don’t have the same scent as the wood…”
“That range extends for miles, Jace. We burned and cleared for days up there. It simply can’t get into those canopies…”
I climbed into the seat next to Frank and clipped my belt into place. “It never should have. And maybe it hasn’t. But I need to get my ass up there and see for myself. I need to know which lines are holding and which ones aren’t. I have to know exactly which way this thing is head
ing and what’s still fueling it to know how to begin the fight…”
Randy handed me the pack, dirt forming dark lines in the creases of his forehead. “You think it’s going for the gorge?”
“I think it wants that whole fucking western range,” I replied. “It’s already made half a dozen shifts like I’ve never seen before. I pray to god I’m wrong… but if I’m right…” Randy looked at me and I knew every thought running through his mind. “Take us up, Frank. Now.
“If I’m right… then we aren’t just working containment anymore…”
27
Ember
“I got here as fast as I could,” Connie said, bundled and breathless from the cold. She had bags in both arms and handed me one as a gust of wind nearly blew the door shut on us both. Reilly came running and I held it open just long enough for him to slip inside. Then I slammed it shut and bolted it against the icy blast. It was colder than I ever remembered, and still it refused to snow. The wind blew sharp, gritty dust instead, and I could see the tops of the trees bending.
“I got everything you asked for,” she said, shivering as she took her coat off. She dug inside the larger bag and brought out a smaller one. “These things are so much faster than when I used one the last time,” she said. “I can’t believe it. Are you having any signs?… Do you really think…?”
I smiled at her excitement, feeling my own heart fluttering nervously. “I think it’s too soon for morning sickness or anything. And it isn’t like I haven’t been late before…”
“But something feels different this time, “ she said for me. “Am I right? It’s like your body is trying to tell you…”
“I don’t want to get my hopes up,” I said, fiddling with the little box in my hands. “We tried after we got engaged the first time.”
“But you haven’t been trying now?”
I blushed, feeling hot suddenly. My cheeks tingled and burned. “Not exactly,” I said, with a lopsided smile. “We just haven’t… well… after that night at the hot springs…”
“I totally get it,” she said with a conspiratorial smile. “That’s how Joey was born.”
“We always wanted to have a family,” I said. “Maybe we should have waited until after the wedding, but I know it’s what Jason still wants. It’s part of why he’s willing to give up being a hotshot… so he can really be here to help raise his children.”
She nodded. “Jason’s a good man; he’s got a lot to offer as a father. Like Randy…” She stood up and reached a hand towards me. “So are we ready to find out?” she asked. “This is gonna make one hell of a wedding present, if you can keep it a secret that long.”
I grinned, and swept back a handful of hair, looking up at her. “Not a chance,” I said. “He’d want to know the minute I do. If this is positive, I need to tell him as soon as I possibly can. For the last few weeks they’re out there, he’ll know what he’s coming home to; a woman who loves him more than ever before, who has his baby growing inside her.
“There won’t be any running away this time, not for me… not ever again…”
“I told you I tried… I just… couldn’t.” I took another long swallow of tea as I paced. “I’ll try again in an hour. I’m just nervous and it shuts off the waterworks.”
“Then come over here by the fire and warm up,” she said. “I brought some magazines so we can look at the dresses and maybe pick out a color scheme…”
I sat down next to her and flipped through the stiff, glossy pages. “Do you think we’re doing the right thing, Connie?” I asked. “Moving so fast with all of this, making such huge decisions so quickly…?”
“I think it might be too late to be asking that question,” she replied, putting her own magazine aside. Reilly strolled over and rested his huge head on my lap and looked at me with doleful eyes. He was tired of being inside. “Am I hearing doubts…?”
“I think I’m just nervous because he’s not here,” I said. “This is exactly the sort of thing I need him here for.”
“He’ll be back soon,” she said soothingly. “They both will. You’re giving him a wonderful life to come home to.”
“Am I asking too much in return?” I blurted, startling us both. “I talked with Mom and she opened up more in one conversation than she did in my entire childhood.” I swallowed more tea. “I know she’s happy for us… but I got the impression that she’s not convinced Jason’s giving up his work because it’s what he wants…”
“Does it matter so much, as long as he does?” she glanced at me sideways.
“Maybe his job isn’t so much what he does, as who he is,” I said, getting up to pace again. Reilly gave a soft snort and paced circles of his own in front of the fire before he finally settled down. “Maybe I don’t have the right to ask so much…”
Connie stood up and took my gently by the shoulders. “There isn’t any right or wrong answer to that,” she said, sagely. “There’s only what works and what doesn’t. Have you two talked about this… I mean really talked about it since you’ve been back together? Three years ago, you gave up a promising career in photography, in part because he wasn’t all that crazy about the idea of his wife traipsing around in the middle of nowhere, risking life and limb.” She looked at me sternly. “He wanted to keep you safe, just like you want for him. But what do you both want now?”
A new wave of nervousness ran through me, and I felt my body clench in response. “Now I want to pee,” I said. Had we really said enough? Had I really listened to his needs… and had he listened to mine? Had I ever even told him how I felt…?
She picked up the box on the coffee table and smacked it into my hand. “First things first, “ she said, “and then you’ll know.” She smiled at the look on my face and gave me a push toward the stairs. “Trust me,” she said.
“You’ll know.”
28
Jason
“It’s broken the lines… there… and there…” I pointed toward the eastern ridge. “Take us up higher; we’ll follow it north,” I shouted to Frank over the noise of the blades and the engine. “I need to see how far that blaze extends…” I gestured with the map in my hand.
We’d flown around behind the fire to see the charnel path of blackened destruction it had left behind. In the cold, the earth steamed, even in places where the fire had long since burned itself out. The wind continued to drive the fire eastward; in following behind it, we stayed clear of the billowing clouds of suffocating smoke. From the sky, I could see the fire’s trail. I prayed to god I’d also be able to get a sense of its intent, a forecast of its destination…
“It’s moving on nothing but surface fuels and wind,” Frank shouted. “The nearest canopies are a hundred miles off.”
“And the elevations are increasing fast,” I answered. “So is the fucking wind.” I stuffed the maps into a jacket pocket and leaned forward. “It’s already escaped the control lines… it never should have made it anywhere near this far… What’s the word from Helitack?”
“As long as the winds are high, we can’t use the air tankers to drop the retardants,” he shouted back. “There’s still one lake over that ridge that’s not totally frozen over. We might get some use out of it, but I think this whole thing could die a natural death before we even have to worry about that.”
But the pattern I was seeing told a different story. The wind had carried embers along with it, creating half a dozen new spot fires far beyond the barriers we’d made. As the elevation increased, low grassland turned into dry shrubs; ladder fuels that could help a fire reach the forest canopy. And there was one particular blaze that was burning hotter and brighter than the others, heading for the most indefensible space of all…
“Take us back,” I shouted.
“So drop a crew for an underburn,” Randy said easily. “Not that I think your instincts are right. I think Cap was right. This bitch is gonna just burn herself out. She’s getting tired, Jace. Like the rest of us.” He grinned, lopsided. “I think you�
�re giving this one too much credit.”
“I saw it, Randy, I felt it,” I answered over a mouthful of stew. “It’s a different perspective from the air. You can see how hot it’s burning. I agree that most of the spot fires don’t pose a real threat… not where they’re located, at least right now.” I tossed my empty plate down on the thick bed of dry needles next to the log where we were seated. “Most of what’s left can be handled with cold trailing,” I said, referring to the tedious and exhausting work of going over the carcass of a dead fire by hand, putting out any live spots that remained. “But there’s one goddamn finger that’s headed north. If the wind keeps up, it could carry embers right to the neck of this gorge,” I pointed to the map. “It’s fucking indefensible,” I said, feeling the stew heavy in my stomach. “The winds will seem slow down here, compared to how they’ll fly through those steep walls. We can’t underburn that area, the risk is too fucking high we’ll set off the canopy and lose control completely.” I shifted my legs and reached for my gear.
“So we go in and clear by hand,” Randy said, “sweat and muscle.” He sighed heavily, dragging himself upright beside me. “You’re sure about this…?”
“More sure than I want to be,” I answered. “If this doesn’t stop it, we’ll have to go old-school bucket brigade.” I smiled and thumped his shoulder with mine. “And I’d rather have an axe in my hands any day.”
The helicopters left us in the drop zone, the only area that was clear. The ground was charred and still steaming. We had to hike in the rest of the way, every man loaded with twice what he would normally carry. We needed to be prepared for anything. I’d seen blazes smaller than this that had blown up, flames spinning from ten feet to a hundred in less than a minute…
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