“But you weren’t there. You weren’t there when I needed you.” Fuck’s sake, I was getting teary again. I hated this. Hated it. “I needed to master the darkness. I needed to save Drayton and you were silent.”
I’m sorry.
“Sorry? Great. That’s fucking great. Who the fuck are you anyway? Why the heck am I even listening to you?” Something clicked in my mind, a piece of the puzzle I’d been subconsciously putting together, and gooseflesh broke out on my skin. “You’re him, aren’t you? You’re Merlin!”
With Malphas’s revelations clear in my mind, the connection was obvious. Even without everything he’d told me, I should have made this connection sooner. Merlin had created the daggers. Maybe this was him communicating with me somehow. It made sense. Malphas had said that Merlin vanished after Arthur died, and the only things he’d left behind were the daggers. Why forge them and leave them? They served a purpose; there was no doubt about that. And maybe Merlin was somehow linked to them.
“Are you Merlin? Answer me. And don’t you dare give me some cryptic, bullshit response.”
Ambrosius snorted. If only that were true. I am merely a construct. I am the consciousness he gifted to the daggers. A guide for whomever they were to choose. Your guide. And I promise that you can count on me.
“You know where he is, don’t you?”
My question was greeted by silence. Damn him, he wasn’t going to answer. I strode up and down the corridor, struggling to bring the anger back under control. “Okay, so you’re a guide, huh? For what? Answer me. What am I being guided toward?”
When the time is right, then all will be revealed.
God, I wanted to smash something. “You’re so lucky you’re a disembodied voice, because if you were here in the flesh I’d have punched you by now.”
I’m sorry, Serenity. I do not mean to upset you. If I could tell you, I would, but the words are locked away until the time is right.
What choice did I have but to accept what he was saying? He’d saved my life and, so far, hadn’t steered me wrong. “Fine, then guide me now. Teach me to assimilate.”
I wish I could. But you’ve blocked your demon for so long I wouldn’t know where to begin. The only thing I can suggest is to leave your shields open and allow her to get to know you, to bond with you.
“And how long will that take?”
I don’t know. Weeks, months.
“Cannot say, don’t know, what good are you?”
God, I was being a bitch, but I didn’t care. I needed this. I needed to rage and vent and blame anyone but myself for what had happened.
It will take time.
He faded away, leaving me alone and cold in the aftermath of my ranting.
There was no way I was waiting weeks or months to become whole. Even without the daggers, there was power in the darkness, power within the demon, and I wanted it. I needed it. And I would have it. Bane. I needed Bane.
***
My knock went unanswered, and still on a high from the adrenaline Ambrosius’s visit had flooded my body with, I entered Bane’s chambers.
It was dark. No moonlight, just a couple of bedside lamps. The bed itself was unmade, as if Bane had just climbed out. A book lay open but face down on a wingback by the window. There was no sign of Bane.
Where the heck was he?
I was about to leave when a door to my left clicked open and Bane ducked out, huge, muscular, and totally naked.
“Oh, fuck!” I spun around and slapped my hands over my eyes.
There was a long beat of silence, and then, “Did you want me, Harker?”
Want him? What? Oh, yeah. “I wanted to ask what Dorian said.”
The rustle of fabric teased the air. Thank goodness he was getting dressed.
“He had little choice. If he declined, he would have looked like he didn’t have faith in his chosen representatives.”
The band around my chest eased slightly. Of course, I’d have gone solo if need be—that had been the original deal—but I was no fool. Having Bane and Ryker along would make the task seem less daunting.
“Okay, good.”
“You can turn around now.”
I faced him and swallowed the lump in my throat. He’d covered up his legs and his … stuff, but his chest was still awesomely bare.
I averted my gaze. “Ambrosius says it could take weeks, even months, to become one with my demon.”
“You want a faster solution.” His tone was a low rumble that had the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end.
“There has to be something we can do? Do you know anyone who might be able to help me?”
He was silent for so long I couldn’t help but look at him. He’d tucked in his chin, hands on hips.
“Bane?”
“This is important to you? The only way you can be whole?”
“Yes.”
He locked gazes with me. “In that case, I know someone.”
I exhaled in relief. “Thank you.”
He nodded. “Leave it to me. I’ll make arrangements. Meanwhile, find Ryker and get warmed up for some training. Focus on stamina and hand-to-hand; we’re going to need it. I’ll be with you in half an hour.”
I slipped out of his room, leaving him to his thoughts, and headed off, eager to find Ryker and begin the training.
***
Bane held me tight, but not so tight as to bruise. “Remember what I taught you.”
It was our fourth training session and the techniques the guys had been drumming into me were finally beginning to stick. I twisted and used my momentum and body weight to flip him. He hit the mat and rolled back up.
“Not bad.” He flashed fang. “Not bad at all.”
I was breathing hard, sweat pouring down my back, but he looked cool and unaffected. We’d been at this for a couple of hours. Hand-to-hand maneuvers. Ways I could get away from a larger opponent, that kind of thing, and damn if I wasn’t sweating like a pig in a sauna.
Bane stepped back and cracked his neck. “Let’s try the pin position again.”
My pulse lurched. But I lay down on the mat. This one was hard, more due to the distraction factor than anything else. Bane straddled me and pinned my arms to the mat with his huge hands. I was completely at his mercy. The heat of his body, his scent, and his inner thighs pressing against mine combined to turn my head to mush and awake a thrilling carnal hunger. The urge to touch him, to be touched, was almost a physical pain. Focus, Harker. Time to turn it into aggression. I bucked and writhed.
“Lead with the leg, hook, and turn,” Bane said. “Come on, you can do this.”
I twisted under him, rubbing up against him, biting the insides of my cheeks to quell a throaty moan. “You’re too heavy.”
“Yes. I’m heavier than you.” He leaned in, his face inches from mine. “I’ve got you. I’m in control. I can do whatever the fuck I want to you, so what are you going to do to stop me?”
His words sent a thrill through me, part fear, part desire. Oh, God. I hated this exercise.
“Stop me, Harker.” His breath fanned my lips, and then he adjusted his grip so he was pinning both my wrists with one hand. “Stop me.” His other hand slipped down to tease the edge of my slacks.
My body tensed and then began to buzz with crazy energy. He tugged gently on my slacks. He was giving me a chance to act, because I was meant to be stopping him. Shit. Okay. Concentrate on the move. Raising my knee, I slammed my outer thigh into his inner thigh, raised my hips, and turned my body. He toppled to the side, and I was up.
“Finally.” He pulled himself up. “You should go shower and change. Lilith will be here to help you with your demon soon.”
“What?”
He swallowed and averted his gaze. “She’ll be here in a couple of hours.”
Lilith was the person who could help me? Of course, it made sense, she was a succubus—the original, if legend was to be believed—but the thought of working with her on anything had my stomach turning with
nausea.
There’d be a price with her. I just knew it. “What does she want in return?”
His expression shuttered. “What makes you think she wants anything in return?”
Because I see the hungry way she looks at you. “Because she’s a bitch.”
Bane’s lips twitched. “Maybe so. But she’s the only one that can help you, and we will pay what we must to give you what you need.”
Great. “What do I need to give her?”
He walked away toward the benches. “You don’t need to give her anything.”
I didn’t … wait … “No. Not you.”
He grabbed his water bottle and glugged. “Don’t worry, Harker. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”
Then why was the skin around his eyes so strained, and why were the violet depths filled with darkness?
Sod this. “No. We are not doing this. I can wait. I’ll just let it happen naturally over time, like Ambrosius said.”
“It’s too late. The deal has been struck, and she arrives shortly.”
Panic squeezed my lungs. “Then un-strike it.” The thought of her getting her claws into him, of making him do things he didn’t want to … I walked up to him and grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at me. “Please, just tell her we changed our minds.”
“Don’t forget who’s in charge here, Harker,” he snapped. “I don’t take kindly to my decisions being questioned.”
I flinched at his harsh tone but held my ground. “Then maybe it’s time you got used to it.”
“And maybe it’s time you remembered who the fuck you’re talking to.”
We stared each other down for a long beat, and then he exhaled heavily, the tension draining from his massive shoulders.
He shook his head and reached out to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear, his fingers lingering a fraction too long. “I can handle Lilith.” His tone lowered. “Don’t worry. Just use what she has to offer.”
His hand was still hovering at my cheek, and I reached up to partially cover it with mine. The words weren’t spoken, but they were there, hovering between us—the memory of what I’d seen, what he knew I’d seen out in the forest. “I can’t bear it.”
“Then I will bear it for the both of us.” He slipped his hand from beneath mine, and the warm, open expression withdrew and closed off. He turned away. “Go get showered and rest. I have no idea what she has in store, but no doubt it will be draining.”
Lilith was coming and she’d want Bane’s body as payment. Bile rose up in my throat. I couldn’t let him do that, not for me. There had to be another way to give her what she needed.
And then a light bulb switched on in my mind.
I knew what I had to do to protect Bane.
Chapter 14
I paced the lounge, hands on hips. Lilith was due to arrive any moment. According to Bane, she owned several properties in Midnight, and sometimes even vacationed in Dawn. The succubus had clout, and she’d probably never go for my plan, but I had to try. It was bad enough that Bane had to endure her attentions every few months due to a deal he’d struck with her. There was no way I was making him go through another session just for me. If she agreed to my terms, then we’d work together. Otherwise, she could piss off back where she’d come from.
Bane appeared in the archway, and the clip of heels alerted me to the succubus’s presence. She glided into the room, brushing up against Bane in the process, and came to stand by the hearth, less than a meter from me.
“Well, well. I see you’ve finally acknowledged your problem,” she purred.
I clenched my teeth and forced my lips into a smile. “Can you help me?” Or are you just here to gloat.
“I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t.” Her lips curled in a sly smile as she gave Bane a sidelong glance. “Besides, the price is more than worth the journey.”
This was my cue. “Yeah. About that. I want to renegotiate.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Oh?”
“Yes. You still get your sexual energy, but you get it via a middleman.”
She made an ‘o’ with her mouth. “So, the rumors are true. You can not only siphon, but you can expel the power into another.”
“Yeah. I can.”
The corner of her mouth quirked. “How perfectly, wickedly delicious.” She paused and pouted. “Wait, so you wish to create the sexual energy with Bane, and then expel it into me?”
“Harker, what are you doing?” Bane said.
I shot him a hard look. “Shut up.”
He opened and closed his mouth, and Lilith burst out laughing.
“Oh, my.” She pressed a red-taloned finger to her crimson lips. “This is interesting. It takes gumption to negotiate with me. I like it. It’s … refreshing.” She clapped her hands together. “I agree to your terms.”
I blinked at her in shock. “Really?”
She laughed again, a sexy, sultry sound. “Yes, really. Why shouldn’t I?” She shrugged. “I get the benefit without any of the work. Although, I do enjoy our time together, Bane.”
Bane’s gaze was a hot brand on the side of my face, but I couldn’t look at him right now. I was still reeling from the relatively easy win.
“Now, shall we get acquainted with your demon?” Lilith indicated the sofa. “Have a seat.”
I parked my butt and waited as she hitched up her pencil skirt and crouched in front of me. This close up, you’d expect to see some imperfection, a pore or two, but her skin was smooth, flawless, and unblemished, almost as if it had been carved out of marble. Her lashes were thick, long, and uncoated with mascara. There was no softness to her features, just harsh lines and cold planes. Hers was a cruel beauty.
She cupped my face, tilting my head this way and that as she examined me. For what, who knew?
“We need to coax her out,” Lilith said. “Bring her into the forefront of your consciousness. I can do that for you, but then it is up to you to convince her to remain.”
“Convince her?”
“Why, yes. You must speak to her. Tell her why you have kept her a prisoner for so long, and beg for forgiveness for your mistreatment of her.” There was a flash of anger in her dark eyes, and a needle of fear slid up my spine.
My mouth was dry. “I didn’t do it maliciously. I didn’t know what I was, or what I was dealing with.”
The spark of danger evaporated, and she sniffed. “Yes. Well, that is something you must take up with your demon. Now close your eyes and relax.” Her fingers dug into my skull. “Come out, my child. Come to Mother.”
My darkness unfurled and began to rise. I’d felt her all my life but never like this—larger than life and almost tangible.
“Serenity, let go,” Lilith said.
Let go? Let go. And then I was falling into my mind, losing grip on the world and tumbling into her—into my darkness.
“Hello?” It was cold here—cold, misty, and gloomy. “Is anyone there?”
“I’m always here. I’m always there. I’m always everywhere.”
That voice? It was raspy and rough, but it was mine.
It was anticipation that made my pulse flutter. “Come closer. I need to see you.”
“Not yet,” the demon said. “First tell me why you have come. Why acknowledge me after so long?”
Was I standing? Was I sitting? It was impossible to tell. “We need to talk.”
“Isn’t that what we are doing?”
“I didn’t know. I didn’t understand what you were.”
“Are, not were. You didn’t want to understand. Not really.”
Okay. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right. I know you. Every part of you.”
“Have you heard me calling you?”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t answer. You’re angry with me.”
“Yes.”
“Is that why you didn’t help me? Why you didn’t join with me when I called to you?”
“Partly, but mainly because
you cannot be trusted.” The voice vibrated with suppressed rage. “You use and then you lock away. You feed, but then you starve. I protect you because I must, not because I wish to.”
Oh, God. Shit. She was mega pissed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. If I’d understood what you were …”
“You would still have locked me away. You locked me away to play at being human. You are ashamed of me. Of us. But now … Now, you want me. Now you want me to be you and you want to be me.” The voice was moving, circling me.
“Yes. Yes, I want you. I want us to be together, to be whole. I know I don’t deserve it. I know I’ve hurt you, but if you’ll forgive me, I promise I’ll never shun you or push you out again.”
“Never?”
“Never.”
“Your solemn vow.”
“I give you my vow.”
She was silent for several agonizing beats. “I accept your vow. I will join you.”
“So, what now? What happens—”
A twisted, dark thing leapt out of the mist and smashed into my mind. I was being torn, shredded, and invaded, and the burn was brighter than a supernova. I glimpsed the light just for a moment, shimmering pure and powerful. It was the light from the lake—the light in my dream. And then I was staring into dark eyes—Lilith’s eyes—and the world was bright and sharp and new.
“There you are, little one,” Lilith said. “And what is that?” She probed deeper, pushing into my mind, and my demon reared up and smacked her back.
Lilith released me with a surprised chuckle. “Feisty.” She dusted off her hands, stood, and sashayed over to the drinks tray. “Well, I can say with confidence that was a success.”
Did I feel different? I stood and looked inward. My shields were down. But where was the darkness?
“Where is it? Where is my demon?”
“Inside you, where it’s been all along. You are the demon now, Serenity. It is truly a part of you. It is your flip side and your protector. She will come to the forefront when needed, when you call. You will have control.”
The daggers. I needed to know if I could will them into being. But Lilith wasn’t in the know about those enchanted objects, so I clenched my fists. “I need a minute.” I strode out of the room, up the stairs, and onto the landing. Taking a deep breath, I stared at my hands. Daggers, please. Was that a chuckle in my mind? My hands stung and then the daggers appeared.
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