Not so much a lie as an adjustment of the truth—Ive written essays on the distinction! Also—recalling Toms request that I didnt mention the meeting in front of Big Bum—I guessed the Denhams wouldnt know about it either.
OK—I should probably have kept quiet in front of them too—knowing the way they scratched if Lady D itched—but I couldnt resist giving Teddy a sharp prod to pay him back for forgetting me.
It worked like a dream.
Ted said—what meeting?—
I said—all surprise—sorry—was sure youd be going—its to tie up arrangements for the Festival of Health—you know—its marvelous of Dr Feldenhammer to be so receptive to new ideas—isnt it?—
Ess said—& what does it have to do with you exactly?—
I said—oh nothing—of course—Im just going for the lunch party afterward—
OK—I know—drinks & nibbles is hardly a lunch party—but I was seriously pissed with the Denhams!
I headed back into the hall.
Ess followed me out. I thought she was going to see me to the door—like a good hostess—but she just started up the staircase.
—Ill see myself out then—I said.
She didnt even pause—let alone reply—I might as well have been a parlor maid!—& I thought—Sod this!
I trilled—by the way Esther—did Teddy tell you?—I think we may have bumped into each other in Davos last Christmas—at the Bengel bar—you were dancing with a good looking local boy—Emil I think his name was—remember?—
Now she paused!
Gotcha!—I thought.
Dont know what shed have said—but before she could speak—behind me—a telephone on a ledge beside the door rang.
—get that—would you?—said Esther.
& I found myself getting it—just like a good little parlor maid!
But blessed are the meek—for they shall get their own back!
I said—hello—Denham Park—
Lady Ds unmistakable voice said—who is that?—
—its Charley Heywood—Lady Denham—I said—looking up to see the Ice Queens reaction. Not much—but I reckon I caught a flicker beneath that chilly surface.
I could almost hear Lady D choking back—what the devil are you doing there?—
Instead she said—peremptorily—I would like to speak to my nephew—
If the Ice Queen hadnt been listening—I might have said—hes just getting dressed—
Instead I said—hes rather busy just now—a business meeting—with Sidney Parker—
That got a sharp intake of breath—which was then expelled—or rather exploded—very Lady Bracknell!—into—a business meeting!—
I began to feel sorry for Ted—not only caught entertaining a woman of ill repute—but also holding a secret meeting with Daphs financial adviser—
Ess was moving back down the stairs—but Ted came out of the drawing room before she could reach me. Feeling sorry for him didnt stop me holding out the phone—& saying—its your aunt—
He winced like the phone was hot—& I made a rapid exit—not bothering to glance up to see how far Esther had got.
As I reached the car—a voice called—Charley—
I turned—& my heart gave a little leap. Sid had come out to say cheerio.
He stood on the terrace—looking down at me & smiling—& I started feeling guilty. It was one thing dropping Ted in it—but I had no reason for wanting to get Sid in Big Bums bad books.
—sorry youve got to dash away—he said—our business shouldnt take much longer. In fact—if—as I gather—thats dear Daphne on the phone—Im sure our meeting will be brought to a close with some expedition—so if you did have time to stay another few minutes—Id love a chance to talk with you—
Whatever was going on—Sid wasnt letting anything ruffle his smooth exterior!
I was tempted. But never show weakness—eh?—so I resisted—& said—no—Ive really got to go—but Im sure youll be coming over to Kyoto sometime—wont you?—it would break Minnies heart if you didnt—
He fluttered his long silky eyelashes—could I get a transplant?!
—if the well being of a fair young maiden is in question—I must definitely come—though hell should bar the way—
Like I said—takes real style to get away with that kind of schmaltz!
We stood smiling at each other—his smile sort of sophisticated ironic—mine more idiot grin—& I thought—hes the one—definite!
Then Ted the Bart came out of the door onto the terrace—& stood alongside Sid—& suddenly I wasnt quite so sure. Hard to compare—but I did my best! Teds all macho hunkiness to Sids elegant smoothiness—depends whether your taste runs to chalk or cheese. On the beach I guess the bart would have edged it. 20 points to 19+ for sex appeal. Here it felt the other way round. & then there was the Maz. Definitely worth twice as much as the battered old Range Rover—or even the Beast.
Ted looked a lot less shell-shocked than I anticipated. In fact he looked rather pleased with himself. How had he survived?—I wondered.
Then the answer came to me—diversionary tactics! Before she could quiz him about this business meeting with Sid—hed told her that her toy-boy Feldenhammer was having a party at the Avalon that she wasnt invited to!
I thought—shit—should have kept your gob shut girl—
Ted said—sorry youve got to dash off Charley—well do that mobike ride another day eh?—
I thought—if you imagine Im going to risk getting frostbite in my crotch by putting it where the Ice Queens has been—youve got another think coming!
The withering look accompanying this thought was wasted however—as hed turned to Sid—put his arm round his shoulder—& drew him away.
But as they walked back into the house—Sid turned his head—& winked at me—tho the way he did it—so languid & sexy & full of promise—calling it a wink is like calling his Maz a jalopy!
I drove away very slowly—to sort out my thoughts—& pretty soon I reckoned Id cracked it! There was something going on here—& it was going on behind Lady Ds back. Had to do with money—Teddy desperately needed it—& it was Sids profession. Teds one remaining asset—far as I could tell—was Denham Park. He could do anything he liked with it—except sell it—wasnt that what Mary had told me? So what might he & Sid have been talking about? Turning it into another hotel in competition with Brereton Manor? Possible—but you needed something else to hook in investors—some activity that had nothing to do with health & exercise & country recreation.
A gambling casino—I thought. Possible—except access wasnt great—& not even the sweet smell of money could mask the stench of the Hollis pigs. What about a retirement home? Do old folk lose their sense of smell sis? But I couldnt see Ted & Ess as your jolly carers!
Whatever they were up to—clearly Lady D—& Tom too—werent in the loop.
Could see Sid might not mind pulling a fast one on Lady D—but I couldnt see him going behind his brothers back—just to make a quick buck.
Whatever the game was—Id given it away to Lady D—with malice afore-thought—but I resolved not to say anything to Tom—both for his sake—& also cos I didnt want to get any further up the noses of the 2 dishiest guys in town!
Now I decided to compensate for my bad behavior by getting back to Kyoto in time to save Tom from the bicycle!
Neednt have bothered—Franny Roote had just turned up—& hed offered Tom a lift to the Avalon—so he told me to drive myself over for the lunch as planned. Tom was even more bubbly than usual—full of confidence his meeting was going to go well—& also chuffed cos hed rung Godly Gordon—& he was definitely going to attend!
I made some comment about his powers of persuasion—& I caught Franny grinning at me—as if he knew—which he couldnt—that Id put in my little twopennorth. I gave him the test. Wealth—4 at most Id guess. Wheels—only 1 for his mini ambulance. Social Skills—this was hard—Im sure hed have no problem smoothing a girls path—dealing with all situations—keeping the
talk bright & stimulating—but I get the feeling that from time to time hed enjoy dropping a handful of grit into the works! So 8 out of 10 there.
As for Sex Appeal—impossible to give points without more info. It could be like giving Sid 10 out of 10 for Wheels—then finding the Maz had no engine!
Hard—you say? Well—I remember who it was knocked 5 points off the vicars son after you found he had diabetes! The thought he might be pulling out his needle before he pulled out his dong—your words!—was a real downer!
Tom & Fran went off—leaving me with a good hour before I needed to make a move—so I thought Id bring you up to date.
Better dash now. Looking forward to seeing inside the famous clinic. Got a feeling at some point Big Bum may try to crash the party. If she does—I hope it doesnt come out who big mouth was!
Wont take Sherlock Holmes to guess that—I hear you say—not when your little sister has a mouth makes Julia Roberts look like shes whistling Dixie.
Youd better be careful—sis! When you come home with your bronze trophy doctor in tow—youre going to need all the friends you can find.
Love you
Charley xxxx
17
Well, Mildred, here I am, back from my first official outing, squatting on the khazi, and definitely not feeling like singing I could have danced all night!
First thought when I saw there were nowt but fizzy wine on offer was, Mean bugger! Thought these Yanks always lashed out the hard liquor. My first guv’nor, old Wallie Tallentire, used to say, Bubbly’s good for nowt but getting a girl’s knickers round her ankles.
Certainly got my trousers round mine!
Talking of trousers, remember to thank Cap. When I pulled mine on for the first time since she brought them, I were surprised how well they fit. Then I checked and realized they were brand new and three sizes down from my old ones, which would have hung around me legs like a mains’l in a dead calm. Bright lass! Dalziel, my man, you certainly know how to pick ’em!
So while I’m sitting here like patience on a fucking monument, I might as well make a note of Festerwhanger’s little “do” while it’s still fresh. Always prided myself on not needing to be taking notes when I were running a case. If I can’t remember it, it’s not bloody worth remembering! Big boast. Let’s put it to the test.
Yon clinic’s a fancy place. Makes our old Central Hospital look like a heritage center. Bet most of your common bugs and viruses turn tail and head back for town soon as they get a glimpse of what’s waiting for them there. One look at the car park tells the story. There were enough high-emission gear out there to punch its own small hole in the atmosphere. If the treatment fees match, then I reckon the patients will feel like they’ve paid for full privacy.
Pet led me to this lounge where there was a handful of people with glasses in their hands. I only recognized two of them. One was the landlord from the pub. He were talking to Stompy Heywood’s lass that I’d sat next to when I broke out of the Avalon. I went up to them and said, “How do, lass? How’s thy dad?”
She looked puzzled for a moment, then said, “Oh, it’s Mr. Deal, isn’t it? Didn’t recognize you with your clothes on. You’ll have met Alan Hollis from the Hope and Anchor.”
“Aye,” I said, laughing. I like a lass with a bit of spirit. “Nice to see you again, Mr. Hollis.”
The landlord said, “You too, Mr. Dalziel. You’ve not been back in.”
“Doctor’s orders,” I said. “But he’s letting me off the hook today so I’ll be down there shortly, you can bet on it.”
Pet came with a glass of fizz which I drank right off.
“Best get me another, luv,” I said. “In fact, why not bring a bottle over here so’s to save you getting in a sweat running between me and the bar?”
She gave me a glower but she went off again.
I said to Hollis, “Left your missus looking after the pub then?”
He said, “I’m not married, Mr. Dalziel. But I’ve got good staff. Just as well with the hog roast on Sunday.”
I’ve noticed this before—folk out in the sticks always talk like everything happening locally’s so important, complete strangers should know about it!
I said, “What’s that?”
“Don’t you know?” he said, surprised. “Lady Denham’s big do at Sandytown Hall. Everyone will be there, everyone important, that is. Sort of thank you from the consortium to everyone who’s helped in putting the town on the map. I’ll be organizing the drinks, so the pub will have to look after itself.”
I thought, When buffalo woman snorts, every bugger jumps!
Pet came back with a bottle. I took it from her and filled all the glasses. Mine fullest ’cos I were catching up.
I said, “Lady Denham sounds real important. She’ll be in this meeting then?”
Pet and Hollis looked at each other, then Hollis said, “No, I don’t think so.”
I said, sort of poking around, “Oh? Didn’t strike me as the kind of lass you could keep away, her and Dr. Feldenhammer being such good mates.”
Pet gave a kind of snort, and Hollis looked at the ground, and even young Heywood grinned. But before I could probe harder, the door opened and the folk from the meeting poured in. I saw Franny Roote in his chair. He gave me a wave, I gave him a glower. Then I spotted Parker, so I excused myself, and went to pay my debts.
He were talking to a bearded guy in baggy pants and one of them fleecy jackets hikers wear. Either a tramp who’d strayed in off the road or an eccentric millionaire patient, I decided.
“How do, Mr. Parker,” I said. “Here’s that twenty quid you were kind enough to loan me. Many thanks.”
He recognized me straight off, or mebbe Festerwhanger had warned him.
“Delighted I was able to help, Mr. Dalziel,” he said, beaming at me. “And how nice to meet you again.”
He sounded like he meant it too and not just because of the money.
“May I introduce you to Gordon Godley?” he said. “Gordon, this is Mr. Dalziel who’s convalescing here at Avalon. Mr. Godley’s a healer whom I have persuaded to bring his ministry to Sandytown.”
Wrong twice. Neither a tramp nor a patient but one of the weirdos Roote had been talking about!
I stuck my hand out. Godley didn’t seem mad keen on taking it, and when he did it were barely a touch before he let go. Mebbe he were scared I were convalescing from summat contagious.
“Healer, eh?” I said. “What’s that about then? Charming warts in a moonlit churchyard or sticking lepers’ noses back on?”
I were just being friendly, but I wished I’d not said it when he looked at me with his big gray eyes like a spaniel told he’s not going walkies today. I were just going to pour a bit of oil when a voice behind me said, “I’m sure Mr. Godley could help you with your warts if they’re bothering you, Mr. Dalziel. Which part of your anatomy are they affecting?”
It were the Heywood lass, giving me the kind of look her dad used to give before clattering your goolies in a line-out. Godley, who was looking more confused and unhappy than ever, mumbled something and moved off.
Heywood looked at me angrily and said, “Now see what you’ve done. Tell me, were you always a bully or did you do a course on it at Hendon?”
I had to laugh. These kids. Know everything, understand nowt. But I liked her style.
Parker didn’t seem to have noticed she were in a tizz.
Still smiling he said, “I’m so glad Gordon decided to come to the meeting, Charlotte. He’ll be such a valuable acquisition. All the other therapies are based on physical interactions. He provides a purely spiritual dimension. Charlotte, why don’t you introduce Mr. Dalziel to some of the others while I have a quiet word with Dr. Feldenhammer?”
“Meeting must have gone well,” I said as he moved off. “He seems happy.”
“Tom is always happy,” she said. “He believes everything is for the best in the best of possible worlds. Pretty well the opposite of your worldview, I’d guess, Mr. Da
lziel. Now, who’d you like to be rude to next?”
I got myself another drink, or rather, another bottle as the first seemed to have emptied itself. Then Charley whipped me round some of the others—a chunky Chink lass who stuck needles into people; an herbalist you could have sprayed green and sold as a pixie in a garden center; and a woman who looked like she’d been invited to a Halloween party and got her dates mixed. Didn’t catch what she did, ’cos while we were shaking hands, I was hoping her black nails weren’t painted with owt toxic. I began to wonder how come old Fester had got mixed up with this bunch of oddballs. If I’d found them setting up camp on my patch, I’d have escorted ’em politely to the Lancs border and pushed them across. They’re more used to loonies over there.
When Charley finally introduced me to a woman she said was Parker’s sister, I thought, Thank Christ I’m back with the sane buggers. Some hope! Took all of ten seconds to realize she were dotty as a Frenchman’s jock strap. Woman with her seemed okay, but. Name of Sandy something. Gave me an odd stare when Charley introduced us—or mebbe that’s just how she always looks at big sexy men. I wish!
I’d got one thing right, though. Suddenly the door burst open and buffalo woman charged in.
“Lester,” she declaimed. “I’m so sorry I’m late.”
Parker and Festerwhanger were in close confab over by the drinks table. I saw them look at each other, just a glance lasting a split second, but I’d put money on it each on ’em were thinking, You didn’t tell me you’d invited her!
But Parker being a cockeyed optimist and Festerwhanger being a smarmy Yank, neither of ’em had any bother turning on the full beam and coming forward to greet her.
“Lady D! Now we’re complete!” declared Parker.
“Welcome, dear Daphne,” oozed Festerwhanger, offering one of them air kisses, but she moved her head at the last moment and caught him full on the lips so hard it probably bruised his gums.
The bodywork might be a bit rusty but the old internal combustion was still pounding away!
She weren’t slow at lapping up the fizz either, I noted, getting through a couple of glasses at a rate of knots that made me feel like a Methodist and hitting the nibbles like she’d not et since Shrove Tuesday.
The Price of Butcher's Meat Page 14
