“Are you ever planning to find a permanent place of your own?” Why had she not ever asked him that before? They had discussed her living situation. He’d teased her, saying she was safer there with her father to look after her. She’d half thought he meant it.
The real reason she’d moved in was because she missed Ally and all the kids. After Ally's divorce, the older woman had struggled with making ends meet. So Kelly had fabricated a story about needing a place to stay for a while. That had lasted until after their relocation to St. Louis and after Ally and her father's one night stand had resulted in the twins. She'd lived with the other woman for almost a year before that. She’d become a part of their lives; after they'd moved in with her father she'd missed them.
And Gracie and Emma had both been there as well. She'd wanted the opportunity to live with her sisters without her mother's interference. Before Gracie was old enough for college. And she'd wanted to know the twins. And she wanted to help Ally, her best friend with the babies. She was free to choose how she spent her time.
That included having male guests, even though she hadn't yet.
She couldn't even imagine it; not with her brothers and sisters upstairs, even at her age.
But Josh would be just across the small hall.
***
“I'll have a place of my own someday.” Honestly, the only thing about the break-in that bothered him was the fact that someone thought they had the right to do it. He had no real attachment to the house. He liked the looks of it. The idea that he could breathe life into it. Liked that it was so close to Dan’s. But other than that? Could he see himself living there permanently some day? He didn’t know. He hadn’t been attached to a house since his mother had died and he’d had to sell hers to cover the rest of his college tuition. Houses were just places; home was where he slept at lately. That was just about it.
Something else to think about. Did he want more than that?
“I'll drive you home, Kel.”
Chapter 37
They would have to talk; of that he had no doubts. Josh would take the next few hours and plan what it was that he would say to her. Something would have to be said, wouldn't it? You didn't just almost have sex with one of your best friends and nothing be said about it afterward. But if he knew Kelly she'd try to pretend nothing had happened. Hide her head in the sand, be the little turtle he always teased her about. Maybe this time he just wouldn't let her.… He'd make her look him in the eye and demand to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling.
Wasn't that the only way he would know? And Josh needed to know.
Maybe it was crazy; maybe all of his focus should be on finding out who had vandalized his property instead of what Kelly thought about what had almost happened between them? That would be the logical thing to do, wouldn’t it? Think about the things he could control, instead of the woman he couldn’t? Wouldn’t, even if he could?
He wanted her to want him.
But for once in his life he wanted to do the irresponsible thing. To not take care of everyone else and everything else. He wanted to focus on the woman that he wanted, not on the trashed old house. Yeah, it could be a nice house. Yeah, it could turn a nice profit—but that wasn't what was important. What was important was the woman right next to him. And they would deal with that tonight, as soon as they return to her father's place.
Who cared what her father thought? They were well enough to know what they were doing.
She was not going to hide behind the excuse of her father and her family anymore. If they were going to do this, they were going to do it, and things would change between them forever.
Fine, they could deal with that. If she couldn't accept that, then they would just take the something between them off the table. And somehow force themselves to go back to being friends. Josh did not know if he could do that if he could see her and not want to touch.
Eighteen months ago he never would've expected to feel this way. But now he did. And it was time he dealt with his feelings rather than suppress them? Wasn't it? But then again, maybe that was part of it eighteen months ago, as well?
Maybe that was why he'd taken one look at her and felt this immediate rush of feeling toward her? Possibly because of everything that happened in the months preceding her arrival in St. Louis— Stephenson, Carrie’s ordeal, Georgia's, Dan getting shot—maybe all of that had combined to make him throw up some sort of barrier in front of what he felt for Kelly and what was possible between them.
She hadn’t been in St. Louis two weeks before someone had targeted her. He would never forget how she’d looked bleeding in the alley behind Smokey’s Bar. He didn't even know why he followed her out that night, but he had always been thankful that he had. How could he not be? He'd saved her life that day, and he knew it. And when that same bastard had targeted the lab personnel he had been the one to carry Kelly out of a burning building.
She’d impressed him with how bravely she handled what had happened. And he had seen the scars of the burns she’d suffered when she’d knocked her pregnant best friend out of the way. He had no doubt she had saved Ally's life and those of the twins. By the time she was back on her feet, they were friends. He'd been content with that. At least for the last year he had. But where was it written that once someone was friends with a woman that you stayed friends for life?
Sexual attraction was normal, healthy. Not unusual in the least. Why did he feel the need to keep rationalizing it away?
That was just as damned bad as not admitting it.
***
Something about him had changed, and Kelly had no problem seeing that. Something about the way he walked, the way he cut between her and her father. It said something—but she was definitely no behavioral analyst to tell what. He looked at her, and there was more heat in his eyes than she'd ever seen before. She could tell that even in the low light of the front porch. She followed her father into the entryway, ever conscious of the big strong male body beside her. Josh is at least eight inches taller than her father who was around Kelly’s height, and though they were both built lean and muscled, there was something about the way Josh moved tonight. What was on his mind, and what did it mean for her?
There was definitely something. Her mouth was dry, and she did the one thing she always did when she was nervous. Kelly ran. Proverbially. She declined when her father asked if she wanted something to drink, saying instead that she was tired. That it had been a very long day.
It didn't surprise her when Josh agreed when he followed her down the stairs to the basement. The empty apartment was on the left. Hers was on the right. “Everything you need should be in there.”
“Not everything. I think you know what I need.”
“Here? With everyone upstairs?” Had she squeaked when she talked? Why did she feel like he was about to gobble her up? She tried to tell herself that she was being ridiculous.
“I'm tired of waiting, Kelly. And it's not like one of the twins are going to crawl down the stairs. I can’t think of a more private place inside this house than right here.” Kelly looked around the entryway between the two small apartments. She swallowed. He was right. They were completely alone. And other than Ally and her father upstairs, everyone was probably asleep.
Alone. With him.
With a choice to make.
“Josh… I know. I don't know what I think about all this. Or even if this is what I want.” She closed her eyes and pulled in a deep breath. Confrontation was always so hard for her. Especially with the people that mattered. And there was no way she'd ever be able to deny it—Josh mattered. He probably always would. She wasn't ready to decide just how he mattered. How did she make him understand that?
At his place, it had been one thing, a rash decision that she probably would have regretted in the morning. Perhaps it was good that they'd been interrupted? “I—”
He swooped. There was no other way for her to even think about it. He swooped down, wrapped his arms around her waist, an
d pulled her up against him. This was nothing like the kisses they’d shared before. This was real. This was hot. This was passion. And that terrified her.
It took a moment before she could respond.
Not because she didn't want to—because she couldn't. She buried her fingers in his hair, forgetting all about the cast that was still on her arm. She clung to him. And she kissed him back. Really kissed him.
She couldn't find the words, not that it mattered with his lips on hers. He didn’t give her a chance to say anything at all. Even if she wanted to.
This was a man wanting a woman. Really wanting her. His hands were on her butt, holding her. He lifted, and she felt him pressed up against her, completely. His heart beat against her, strong and sure.
He didn't feel so safe now, did he? She pulled back, just to breathe. His eyes stared into hers. “Your choice. Make it now. But know that everything changes—no matter what you choose. I can't go back to being just a friend. I won't.”
“I… I… I'm terrified.” She was; how could she not be? “I never have been good at this, good with men. Good knowing what they want from me. What I want from them. How I want things to end. Every relationship I've ever been in has gone south. And I know most of it has been my fault. I don't share easily. I definitely don't trust easily. I'm not sure I am meant for relationships, Josh. I'm not. Any kind of relationship.”
“That's bullshit. I've seen you with people. I’ve seen you with your sisters, with the babies. Hell, even Ryan and Aislin. You love them like they were a part of your family from the very beginning. You do just fine with relationships; what you don't do well with is confidence. Trust. Appreciation of who you are.”
Chapter 38
She was blaming herself, and that angered him. But he understood it. Understood how vulnerable she actually was. “Not to mention the fact that you’re sexy as hell.”
And all he wanted was to take her clothes off and show her. But the look in her eyes told him that she didn't believe him. Dammit, it angered him to see how she didn't see the person she was. “Dammit, Kel, I wish for just a moment you saw what I saw when I look at you.”
He used the hand he still had in her hair to pull her closer. He tangled his fingers in the soft purple and red—purple and red, so utterly Kelly. Of course she would use something so eye-catching to draw attention her way. It was her way of hiding in plain sight.
That had his gut clenching with a rush of pure emotion. He didn't know what else to do with it but show her physically.
He held her close with the hand still on her hair, and then he bent down and slipped his other beneath her knees. He scooped her off her feet. It was a little more awkward than he thought—her legs were a mile long, after all. But he had her in his arms and instead of clunking him in the head with the cast she wrapped both arms around his neck. “Your apartment unlocked?”
“Yes… Of course. I never lock it from the inside. No need. They… Are you sure about this? I can't lose you, Josh. I care about you too much.” She wasn't going to lose him. As he looked down at her in that moment, he knew what he had been fighting for the last eighteen months. He had wanted her, why else had he been the one to stay with her after she'd been hurt—both times? He hadn't had to do that—he knew she had people that cared about her. Her sister. Her father, Ally, Cody, Payton—she hadn't come to Indianapolis alone. No, she had people who cared about her, people she cared about. She hadn't needed some stranger, a friend of her father's, not really. Why he had felt the burning need to be there right beside her throughout it all was the real question, wasn’t it?
He hadn’t gone to the trouble of learning Cody’s schedule or Payton's or Sam's or anyone else's. He didn't even know J.T.'s and he was his closest friend in the city. No; but he could tell anyone who asked every detail of Kelly's. He knew where she was all the time—work, with her family, with the band she played around with or volunteering at one of the runaway shelters with abused teens. That's basically all she did when not at home. And he did a lot of it with her—especially in the last six months or so. Whenever he felt seriously down, the one person he'd want to be around was her. Not anyone else, just her. Why hadn’t he seen it before?
There was something about this woman that just felt right. “Last chance, babe.” He knew what he wanted, but he also understood her fear. And he wanted to give her an out. Give her a chance to say no, stop, this wasn't what she truly wanted. She just tightened her arms around his neck and laid her head on his shoulder.
“It's unlocked, Josh. All you have to do is turn the knob.”
Brave, bold words from her. But he felt how she trembled. She was scared, nervous. And that made him feel both ten feet tall and less than an inch— at the same time. So vulnerable, his Kelly. Would she always be?
Part of him hoped so. Because it meant she would always need him. But he would think about that later. Right now—right now he had the woman he wanted in his arms. And neither one of them had to work the next day. They had hours to explore what was between them.
And if Josh had his way they'd be taking those hours. Slow, steady, hot. He planned to enjoy her. However, he could.
They’d just have to keep it quiet for the people sleeping upstairs. She grabbed the knob, turned, and pushed it open. He carried her through. He knew exactly where her bedroom was. He wasn't stopping until he got her there.
Chapter 39
Kelly was the first one awake the next morning.
A large male body was not something she was accustomed to in the middle of her full-size bed. Especially one that hogged the covers and apparently loved to snuggle. She tried to roll over and climb out of the bed, but there was no way he was letting her. He hooked a long arm around her waist and pulled her back against his chest. After having him completely naked, there was no way she would ever mistake him for a quiet little nerd.
There was nothing little about Josh Compton.
She snuggled back against him, enjoying the feel of him around her. She had no regrets. No matter what happened between them, she couldn’t regret what they'd shared last night. It had been something more than just sex. Of that she had no doubt.
Her phone beeped, and she grabbed it where it rested on the nightstand. Ally. At eight-thirty in the morning. She quickly read the text. Your dad is on his way down. Looking for Josh. He going to find him in your bed?
Any feeling of contentment she had been experiencing walked—ran—away in that instant. The idea of her father finding her in bed with a man in his basement absolutely horrified her. She pushed against Josh's chest. “Come on, Josh. Hurry, wake up.”
Hazel eyes opened. He grinned, that slow warm expression that she'd always loved. Faint dimples that just melted her. But they didn't have time for that. No time for melting. “My father's on his way downstairs.”
Those eyes widened, and he tensed around her. Then he relaxed. “Even at thirty-two years old those words still terrified me. But only for a moment. He can find me right here, right where I'm at. I don't care.”
“Are you crazy, he carries a gun.” She smiled as she said it. She didn't know why the idea of her father finding them in bed together embarrassed her so much—except the fact that he was her father. But it did. But not that it mattered—she could hear his footsteps on the stairs. Josh had nowhere to go. It's not like a six and a half foot tall man could hide in the closet. Her dad was going to find them in bed together—the only thing that she could control was how much of her skin her dad would see. And it wasn’t like he had to come in her bedroom, was it? The hallway would do.
“Kelly Danielle?” She knew right where he was—her living room. The room was small, and only about eight by ten. Her apartment was barely bigger than efficiency. It had an open living area, kitchen, and hallway. The bedroom and bath were connected and tiny. It was the smallest place she had ever lived. She didn't spent much time there. Not with everyone who mattered only two floors up. Almost everyone who mattered. There was still the man in bed beside her
. Who was starting to look a little bit haunted.
“We can’t escape him, Josh. Might as well just go with it.” She laughed, liking the idea that control was in her hands for once. She raised her voice a little bit. “Hang on dad, we’re not dressed. We will be out in a moment.”
***
She was enjoying this, wasn't she? He’d known she had a sense of humor buried in there somewhere. But he didn't expect it to be at his expense. He loved it. He wrapped his hands around her waist and pulled her back against him. Before they dealt with her father, he was going to at least kiss her one time. She didn't resist, but her cheeks did turn red when he pulled back.
“You'd better put something on,” was all he said to her. He grabbed his jeans. And his shirt. But he didn't take the time to button his shirt. He ran his fingers through his hair.
Dan would take one look at them and know exactly what it was they'd been doing. They were two consenting adults. It wasn’t like the older man could say anything that would change how they felt. Still, part of Josh felt like a randy teenager caught sneaking into his girlfriend's room at night.
Time to face the music.
He stepped back from the bed and took a moment to look at the woman across from him. Kelly was grabbing a pair of jeans from her dresser and a bra and T-shirt. Her hair stuck up on top of her head in red and purple clumps. Her fair skin was slightly red from where he hadn't shaved the night before. Her lips were swollen. From his.
Ghosting (PAVAD: FBI Romantic Suspense Book 10) Page 12
