CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Because it was Sunday, I made a simple breakfast of porridge and toast to eat. I had wrapped my hair in rags the night before to make it curl and gathered it to one side so the ringlets fell to my shoulder on that side. I felt excited about wearing my best bonnet and dress to attend church in after over a year of not going. I wore a bib apron over my dress, to protect it while I prepared the meal, and since the meal was so simple, I did not ask for Rachel’s help. She seemed excited too, but I suspected it was because she knew Calvin would be meeting us at church. Martin had brought his dress uniform to wear to church and he looked very dashing in his red coat with the gold buttons spaced along a white border, white shirt, white trousers and high black boots.
As Martin entered the kitchen, he gave me a pleasing smile, raising his eyebrows at me.
“I don’t believe I have seen you look so fetching before,” he said, letting his eyes appraise me.
“It is Sunday,” I laughed. “It is just that you have never seen me dressed up like this before.”
“Which is a shame, because you are so becoming, you shouldn’t be dressed in working clothes all the time.”
“Enjoy your breakfast. I have eaten mine so you and Rachel can eat yours here in the kitchen. I have to go dress Ben so we won’t be late,” I said, slipping past him in the doorway.
Only he grabbed my wrist, as I passed and looked down into my eyes.
“I will feel proud sitting next to someone as beautiful as you in church today,” he whispered, and then released my arm.
I tried to ignore Martin’s flirts. He knew I was supposed to be married and loved Wolf, so it bothered me if he thought his flattery would make me feel closer to him. However, perhaps he was just truly giving me a compliment and I was seeing more in it than there was because of my suspicions that he played a hand in driving Wolf away.
We had to ride in the wagon, all sitting on the bench since the buggy had been left in town when Martin brought Rachel’s belongings out. We were pressed shoulder to shoulder, with me sitting next to Martin, holding Ben in my lap, and Rachel next to me on the outside of the bench. Martin moved his arm and placed it around my waist to steady me as the wagon rumbled over rough spots in the road, and I was overly aware of the feel of his hand, resting on my hip. I tried to ignore that as well and worked at thinking of other things.
The ride was enjoyable, though, because we laughed and joked most of the way to town until I had almost forgotten about my uncomfortable apprehension about Martin’s hand on my waist. When we arrived at the church house, Calvin and his family were waiting. Calvin eagerly helped Rachel down, and Martin dismounted, taking Ben in his arms and then giving me a hand down as well.
I felt like all eyes were on me and my half-breed child as we paraded together to a pew in the center of the church. Martin kept smiling at the members of the congregation, while he guided me with one hand on my waist, still holding Ben in his other arm as though daring them to say anything about my child. However, their heads were bobbing towards each other as they talked in whispers, letting their eyes dart at me and then to little Ben, as they did so. I knew what they were saying and I suppose, Martin did too. Only he acted as though he had no idea what was causing a stir to go through the building as we entered.
Once the minister approached the pulpit, the congregation quieted down. I noticed that Rachel had slipped into the pew behind us with the Hanford family, acting as though she was with Calvin and his family, not with me and Martin. It felt as though she was trying to distance herself from us so she would not be the center of attention as well. This bothered me since she was supposed to be helping me out and was actually a part of my household. I turned and glanced at her, but she averted her eyes and acted like she hadn’t seen me turn and look at her. I noticed Calvin looking down at her with adoring eyes and wondered how long it would take him to profess his attraction to her? If he asked for her hand, she may not wish to remain in my home, despite the fact that Calvin would be working there. She could move in with him and his family and see him every day on a more intimate level then.
I turned my attention back to the minister, who asked us to rise and sing. Afterwards, he began his sermon. It was all about forgiveness and loving our neighbor. Hopefully, the members of the church would take it to heart and find a way to forgive me for having a heathen child, I thought.
As we left through the doors, shaking the minister’s hand, he stopped me.
“I hear you are married to an Indian brave,” he stated, but he looked kindly at me. “You know God won’t approve until you are properly married in a church. Why haven’t you brought your husband with you today?”
“He is away,” I said quietly, not making contact with his eyes.
“When he returns, bring him to church, so he can learn our religion. I understand the Indians have heathen beliefs about God. He needs to learn the truth about what God expects of us.”
“The Lenape believe in God,” I said defiantly. “They just have never read the Bible since they have no written language or know how to read. They know nothing about Jesus Christ, but they do have spiritual beliefs that are handed down from generation to generation that they follow. In fact, their story of creation is somewhat like the story in the Bible, only there are a lot of talking animals involved and things about working closely with nature. However, even the Adam and Eve story had a talking snake in it so maybe all the animals talked back then, for all we know. Therefore, you can’t fault them for their beliefs about the part animals play in the scheme of things.”
“I know nothing of their beliefs,” the minister told me with a serious look in his eyes. “However, if you intend to take your marriage seriously, it would be best if your partner learned of our beliefs is baptized and agrees to get married in the church, to make it right with God.”
“I will speak to him about it. However, he will be away for a long time, so it will have to wait until he returns.”
Once enough time had passed, I would pretend that something awful must have happened to Wolf to keep him from coming home. After a year or so, people would stop asking me about him and assume I was a widow. I just wondered what I would tell Martin in the end?
We started to climb back up in the wagon, but Rachel informed us that she would be riding with Calvin and his family to have Sunday dinner with them. It turned out they had a black slave who cooked their meals, so dinner would be ready when they returned from church. She said Martin and I had been invited as well, but I cried off, stating I had a headache. I was upset with Rachel for pretending that she was not with us, choosing to ride with the Hanfords rather than with Martin and me. At least now, there was more room on the bench, and I could sit a decent distance from Martin. He seemed disappointed that I chose to stay to my side of the bench, but did not say anything to me about it. Instead, he informed me that he would take me to his barracks to retrieve the buggy, which would be more comfortable to ride in. I was relieved to hear it. I waited as Martin changed the horses from the wagon to the buggy, and then we proceeded back to my homestead.
As soon as we arrived, I complained to Martin that my headache had gotten worse and I would have to lie down. He offered to stay and help with Ben, but I assured him that Ben would be put down for a nap, so I wouldn’t need him there but thanked him for the offer.
Martin shrugged. He seemed disappointed. I am sure he thought he would have some time with me alone, but I was not going to encourage him on that account. Therefore, he collected his clothes he had left in my parent’s room and then returned to the buggy, giving me a wave as he departed. Although I did not actually have a headache, I felt weak and listless. I needed to rest. Then I took in my breath as it dawned on me that I had missed my cycle. I must be carrying Wolf’s child again! The thought devastated me and thrilled me at the same time. I wanted Wolf’s children, only he would never know that he was going to be a father for the second time. Still, it meant that there would be more than just Ben
and myself to make up my new family. He would have a little brother or sister. I was hoping for a sister.
I thought back to when Wolf had bragged to his friends that I was happy to bear his children and he planned to have many children with me. It was bittersweet. Back then I had resented it. Now I wanted to fulfill that prediction only Wolf was no longer with me.
This time, I went up to my parent’s bed and brought Ben with me. I relived the last time Wolf and I had shared each other’s body in that bed. It must have been when I conceived our new child, I thought sadly. I wished that Wolf was with me so I could tell him the good news. I wondered if I would ever see him again?
Eventually, I drifted off to sleep but was troubled by dreams of Wolf leaving me and the new baby I was to have dying. The dream shocked me awake, and I lay shivering in my lonely bed. I hugged Ben tighter, as though to protect him in the event that he was the child that may die. It was only a dream, I kept telling myself. I began praying that Wolf would return to me and my life could be happy again. However, since the Indians came and captured me, there were very few happy moments in my life. I think I had forgotten what being happy felt like. Maybe I would never be happy again, I cried to myself.
Finally, I dragged myself out of bed. Ben was still sleeping and I propped some pillows around him, so he wouldn’t fall off the bed, and then went downstairs, leaving the door open in order to hear Ben when he woke up. As I came downstairs, I heard the front door opening, and Rachel appeared, with a happy smile on her face.
“Did you enjoy the dinner?” I asked, knowing full well she must have.
“It was splendid!” Rachel cheered. “I got to know your kin much better. They are wonderful people. Their cook is so talented. You should get a slave to cook your meals, and then we would have less to do,” she suggested.
“I can’t afford a slave. Besides, I won’t have slaves in my house,” I said emphatically. “My father did not believe in slaves. He believed in good honest work, and if we couldn’t do it, then we would hire someone to help. Even though my father could afford to buy slaves to help with his furniture business and the farm, he hired someone instead. It is the honest way of doing things.”
“I am sure it is,” Rachel mumbled. “We hired servants in England, but here you can buy your own slaves. Once they are paid for, you don’t have to worry about paying them any longer.”
“But you must provide for their needs. Besides, it is not right for one person to own another. I was considered a slave when Wolf first took me. I had no rights. I had to do as Wolf bid. It is not pleasant being a slave. All the more reason I refuse to use another human being like that!”
“It must have been horrible,” Rachel stated, her eyes reflecting the sympathetic pain she felt for me.
“It was, which is why I escaped. At first, Wolf was very kind to me, but when I became his slave everything changed.”
“Then why did you marry him?” Rachel wanted to know.
“I knew the kind side of him. I think I fell in love with that person. When he came back to find me, he returned to the kind person he had been in the beginning. I think he had to pretend to be mean to me when I was his slave because it was expected. Even though Indians can be cruel at times, they are much like anyone else. They have their good points and Wolf tried to make it up to me, once he discovered I was carrying his child and I wished to be with him.”
“You must miss him very much then,” Rachel murmured.
I nodded.
“More than I expected to. I truly wanted him to go and fetch Jamie and his sisters. I just worry that he may not be able to get them released from his people. If he felt like he was losing face because he couldn’t bring them back to us, he may decide not to come back at all.”
I was finding ways to cover for the fact that Wolf had no intentions of returning, with or without my cousins. Just making the statement saddened me with guilt and regret.
I managed through the rest of the day, taking time to read the Bible, and then milking the cow that evening before fixing a simple supper of cold-cuts on bread. I thought of the soldiers that Martin was in charge of. They were lucky to get salt pork and cheese on biscuits to eat. They had to pay for all of their supplies including their meals, which left them just about eightpence left over from their pay each month. Their bedraggled families followed them wherever they were sent, helping to care for the wounded, and raising their children up to be soldiers or wives of soldiers. Sometimes their sons entered the military at the age of twelve as drummer boys and then progressed up the ranks from there. If a wife lost her husband in battle, she had a month to get over his death and find a new husband or she would be turned out of the regiment to fend for herself and her children. As long as she remained part of the troops, she would be cared for by the military.
However, I knew that officer’s wives were treated much differently. Since an officer voluntarily entered the service and paid a commission to do so, he was usually independently wealthy and could care for himself and his family. The wife did not have to follow the troops if she chose not to, but it was desired since a man would want his wife close by as he remained with his regiment. Martin had once asked me to be that kind of wife, but I knew that I could never leave my homestead behind. Even if I did end up marrying Martin, I don’t think I would agree to follow him from one place to another. However, he and his men were stationed in the Philadelphia area to fight the French and then protect us from the Indians. Now that the Indians had been pushed out, they were merely responsible for keeping the peace. It could be that Martin would be sent back to England, for all I knew. I would never leave the American shores though, so prospects of ever marrying Martin dwindled in my mind. Besides that, I did not love him except as a friend.
My future appeared bleak, but I was strong and would make it through. I had given birth to one child and knew what to look forward to when I was ready to deliver my second child. The only difference would be that Wolf would not be there to help me or give me the kind of support I needed from a husband and lover.
I knew I could never love again if Wolf never returned. He had my heart completely in spite of how we came to meet each other. I knew the gentle and kind side of him and knew he regretted having killed my family. I just believed that he couldn’t possibly love me the way I loved him because he had chosen to leave me, rather than conform to a white man’s life. He was too much Indian and I knew I could never change that.
Even if Rachel was still with me when my baby was due, I knew she knew nothing about birthing a child. I wondered how much help she would be to me when the time came?
After supper, I decided to uplift my mood and suggested that Rachel sing while I played the piano. She was happy to comply, and Ben loved listening to the music as he played in his little sectioned off play area with Happy keeping him company. Rachel was in a good mood, and I suspected that things were going well between her and Calvin, even though she had barely met him. I felt that Calvin would be a good match for Rachel so I was happy that they were getting along so famously.
When I finally went to bed that night, my heart was lifting. I did not have worrisome dreams. At least the homestead was being productive and I knew I would be able to live out the winter without much worry. Eventually, I was sure my heart would heal from the loss of Wolf and I would be able to find some worthy purpose in life. One being able to raise my two children. Before the Indians raided us, having children was the farthest thing from my mind.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Calvin came each day, finishing the planting and then coming to tend the plants and help with the livestock. The piglets had grown into well-sized pigs and by the time fall came around, they would be ready to slaughter and salt, hanging in the seller to be used over the winter. There would be a lot of tallow for making candles and soap. I supposed I would have to teach Rachel how to make candles since apparently, she knew very little about anything having to do with preparing for the winter. I wondered how she would ever become
a helpful wife if she and Calvin wed? Each day it looked like their relationship was leading in that direction.
Rachel was frightened of the bees so I knew she would be of little help with harvesting the honey. She did like picking fruit but I was the one who did most of the jelly making, sealing the little clay pots with beeswax to keep it preserved and tying a piece of cloth over the top of each pot. What fruit was not used for jelly, we dried on cheesecloth out in the sun, stretched across a frame with more netting placed over the fruit to keep the bugs off. We would also dry some of the pork, after the pigs were slaughtered but I would do that in the oven warmed by a low flame, keeping the oven door open so it wouldn’t get hot enough to actually cook the meat but merely turn it into Jerky. During hot weather, there was an outdoor kitchen that I used, which consisted of a fireplace with grates over the place we burnt the wood, and an oven built in at one side. That is where I made the jelly and jams and worked at pickling food.
My days were filled pickling eggs, turning new cucumbers into sweet pickles and larger cucumbers into dill pickles. The dill pickles were easier than the sweet pickles because all you had to do was put the vegetables, dill, and seasoning into crock pots and pour boiling water over them before sealing them off. With sweet pickles, I had to cook the sugar and vinegar, pour it over the cucumbers in a crock, cover it, then the next day, pour the vinegar brine off and cook it again. This took several days of cooking and soaking the pickles in the vinegar brine before the pickles would be done.
Ben was growing and I had to make new clothes for him to wear. I knit little mittens and shawls and hats for him to use during the winter as well. It turned out, that Rachel took to knitting and became quite proficient at it. The sheep had grown but there wasn’t a lot of wool to cut off of only two sheep, however, every little bit helped. I decided I would teach Rachel how to spin the wool into yarn since she enjoyed knitting so much, also showing her how to make dies for the wool using various plants, herbs, and flowers. I discovered she was good at embroidery since it was a ‘lady’s past time’ along with painting and pressing flowers, which were considered hobbies that women of leisure could indulge in to keep busy.
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