Ma spun around in her 1950’s apron. “Oh, good, you brought the pie.”
“I’m going to put it in the fridge.”
She nodded, but before I could make it to the fridge, Ma patted my cheeks with her wet hands. “Smile, beautiful girl.”
Smile? What was that? And at almost forty, girl was stretching it.
I mustered up a fake, close-lipped smile for the woman who gave me life.
She squinted her pale blue eyes, multiplying the wrinkles on her forehead. She still wore her long, gray hair pulled back in a ponytail most days. Her willowy figure was softer now, but I still saw the beautiful woman that raised us and did her best to keep us in line.
She patted my cheeks one more time for good measure. “You’ll get there.”
I let the cold of the refrigerator ward off any tears when I placed my pie on the middle shelf near what I assumed was the dessert Delanie brought. I wasn’t exactly sure what it was. Maybe a cobbler or crisp? It was hard to tell, and it may have been burnt. Delanie was challenged when it came to baking or cooking of any sort. Peter would be kind and eat most of what she brought and do his best to pretend it was the best thing he had ever eaten. Avery and I would each have some to be supportive because we knew Ma didn’t like her and we knew Delanie knew. But it wouldn’t be pleasant. That’s why I made an extra pie and kept it at home. Hopefully I would get some before Cody found it.
Avery was next. She got her hugs in while she stirred the Decker secret sauce that drenched any kind of meat we ever had. It was a barbecue sauce with a shot or two of whiskey, depending on the mood of the cook. It was a good thing it wasn’t me today, or none of us would have been legally able to drive home. Avery looked at home in the kitchen, but didn’t look like she ever ate a thing. Probably because she and my brother were that weird couple that thought running marathons was fun. And even though Avery was two years older than me, her blond hair and petite figure made me envious.
Then Peter went off and married Delanie, a red-headed, model-looking creature who was way younger than me. So not only was I now divorced, I also felt like the plain-Jane of the family. Divorce had a way of sucking the self-esteem right out of you. Did I mention my ex left me for a twenty-five-year-old? She was gorgeous too. I mean in the fake boobs, I-starve-myself sort of way, but I would be lying if I said she was ugly. She barely even showed that she was six months pregnant. Or was it seven? Regardless, I hated her.
Dad saved me from my complete self-loathing meltdown. He brought in some more grilled meat from the patio and finally noticed I was there. As soon as he set the platter on the counter he wrapped me up in his big, strong arms, made from working daily at Decker and Sons Landscaping. He wasn’t only the owner and boss, he showed everyone how it was done and wasn’t afraid to put in twelve-hour days. His beer belly said otherwise, but he was the hardest worker I’d ever known.
“Sammie.” Dad squeezed the air out of me. He was the only person to call me Sammie, probably the only person I would allow. “How’s my baby girl?”
I leaned into his shoulder and took a moment to answer. I wasn’t sure how I was anymore. I think I was over the shell shock and denial stage. I’d probably moved into the I-hate-almost-everyone-and-everything phase, but I wasn’t sure how to articulate that, so I went with, “Fine.”
He kissed the top of my head. “Liar.”
Before I could respond, Ma shooed him out of the newly updated kitchen with the stainless-steel appliances and granite countertops she’d been longing for. She didn’t like her territory invaded by him. And you didn’t mess with her when food was involved. It was probably one of the reasons Delanie stayed near Peter. Someday I hoped she would find comfort in our family, that Ma would realize Delanie was Peter’s choice. Like I said, no time to think about the lovebirds today.
In the midst of the chaos, the doorbell rang. I was surprised I’d heard it above my loud-mouthed family.
“Samantha Marie, will you get that?” Ma was juggling plates and silverware.
Without a word I quit tossing the salad I was working on and headed straight for the door. A surprise awaited on the other side of the heavy oak door. I swung it open expecting to see some kid in the neighborhood selling something or other for a fundraiser, but instead I was greeted with some mischievous blue eyes I hadn’t seen in forever. Eyes that always spelled trouble. But the face and body were all wrong. Those pair of eyes belonged to Peter’s scrawny best friend I used to babysit back in the day, not the tall, sun-kissed, well-built man that stood there holding a bouquet of daises.
“Reed?”
He flashed some seriously gleaming white teeth at me. “Samantha, you look surprised to see me.” He sounded disappointed.
“You’ve grown up.” That sounded ridiculous. Of course he had; he was thirty-four, the same age as Peter.
He laughed at me. “You might have heard. I have a big boy job now too and everything.”
Something Cody and Peter mentioned to me played in my brain. I had a vague recollection of Cody saying something like the new coach knows you and Peter mentioning at the office that his friend had moved back. I had been in such a fog the last several months that sometimes things didn’t register right away or at all.
“You’re the new football coach,” I stuttered. Now I remembered a letter coming home a couple of months ago mentioning Reed Cassidy would be the new head football coach, and something about Coach Gainer being let go for undisclosed reasons. It never occurred to me that it was this Reed Cassidy. Even when Cody said something, I didn’t connect the dots. The Cassidys moved forever ago and I hadn’t seen Reed in I don’t know how many years. He might have been at my wedding with his parents. Maybe?
“Your kid has a great arm, by the way.”
I shook my head, trying to let all this information sink in and reconcile that the man in front of me was the boy that annoyed me during my adolescent years.
“Thank you,” I managed to get out before realizing I wasn’t showing good manners. “Come in.”
“I wondered if you were going to offer.” His manly voice was throwing me off. It was nothing like the cracks and squeaks that used to frequently come out of his and Peter’s mouths twenty years ago.
“Sorry, I didn’t know we were expecting company.”
“Peter invited me over when we met for lunch yesterday.” He held out the flowers. “I brought these for Mrs. D.”
I hadn’t heard Ma called that in forever. “That’s sweet of you. She’ll love them.” I was sure I was staring at him, but I couldn’t get over that this was Reed Cassidy. I didn’t want to think it because it almost seemed incestuous, but he’d done a good job growing up.
Cody passed by and caught a glimpse of his coach in the foyer with me. “Coach Cassidy, what are you doing here?” It was the happiest I’d heard him in a long while. He even smiled.
While Cody made his way to his coach, several other family members clued in we had a guest. They all herded over like sheep to greet him. That’s when I made my escape. I did that a lot lately. Alone was better. Or at least emotionally safer.
Chapter Three
It didn’t take long for the let’s-make-this-uncomfortable-for-Samantha show to begin once we sat down to eat at the table that was probably groaning from the weight of the food.
It all started with the seating arrangements. The Decker family table, which was specially made for our clan, sat in the dining room that had been added on to accommodate our numbers and the abnormally large table. The table could seat sixteen, though we were now only eleven, down from thirteen. The space to the right of me had been empty for months, and the chair across from me and next to Avery would forever remain empty, a tribute and reminder of the sweet nine-year-old angel with bouncing blond curls that used to sit there. Our sweet Hannah, daughter of Avery and James, was taken from us too early when she was hit by a car while she rode her bike to the park two years ago. I could still see the vacancy in Avery’s eyes and the grief that lingered i
n James’s countenance.
I wondered if my own reflection looked like Avery’s and James’s. For months now I felt as if a death occurred, my own, my family’s. I wasn’t sure what or who I was anymore.
Dad blessed our Sunday meal. He asked the angels to watch over Hannah, like he did every week, and keep her until we could all meet again. So each of our meals started with tears. With the way this one was going, it might end up with them too.
The rectangular table always had Ma and Dad at each end, my family and Peter and Delanie on one side, with James’s family and Mimsy on the other. Not sure why, but Reed ended up where Neil used to sit. I thought he would have sat by Peter; after all, they had been friends since boyhood.
Reed started the commotion with an innocent comment when I passed the potato salad to him.
“So how have you been, Samantha?”
“She’s divorced,” Mimsy answered for me while rubbing her rosary beads and crossing herself. She didn’t stop there. She dipped her hands in her water glass and tried to flick some at me across the table while praying to Saint Anthony to help me find my way again.
“Mimsy, that’s not even holy water,” I complained, even though it was Cody that got hit in the face with the water.
Mimsy blew me a kiss before handing over her glass to Peter. “Can you bless this?” She also threw some cash at each great-grandson at the table.
Oh, help us.
Peter tugged on the collar of his polo shirt. “Mimsy, you know I’m not a priest anymore.”
That set Ma off. It was never good to remind Ma that Peter left the priesthood for Delanie. In reality it wasn’t for her; he was following his own heart. I always warned Ma that I wasn’t sure entering the seminary was the right path for him. Peter loved God, but I always knew Peter would want to be a husband and a father. Meeting Delanie only made him see where his true desires lay.
Ma started making comments under her breath about Delanie’s diamond stud nose ring and the vine tattoo down her arm that I found beautiful. Ma was old school and believed tattoos only desecrated your body. And did I mention Delanie wasn’t sure she believed in God? None of the rest of us held that against her, but Ma couldn’t understand how her sweet baby boy ended up with a heathen. Never one to let Ma intimidate her or make her feel less, Delanie grabbed Peter by the shirt and pulled him to her. I would label their kiss as the kind that probably would have been better saved for private. Peter sure seemed to enjoy it, running his hands through Delanie’s hair. Cody and my nephews hooted and hollered like the teenagers they were.
Ma couldn’t take it. She slammed her potato salad bowl so hard on the table that some egg and pickle landed on James. James took it in stride and laughed while wiping off his shirt. That got Peter and Delanie to pull apart, albeit with a too loud suctioning sound.
It was just another night at the Deckers.
I faced an entertained Reed, who couldn’t have looked any happier. “To answer your question, that basically summed up how I am.”
Reed’s laughter filled the crowded room. His jovial tones had a few others joining in. Thankfully, Deckers loved to eat, and before long, people were shoving their faces full of the feast in front of us. Besides, the men had a game to watch, so there was no time for idle chitchat, which was fine by me.
Except, Reed had other ideas. He was politer than the Decker boys and men and took breaths between bites; he was full of conversation.
“I didn’t realize you moved back here. I thought you were living in Chicago,” he said to me.
I took a sip of ice water before responding. “We moved back to Clearfield a few years ago. I didn’t want Cody going to middle school or high school in the city.” And I was ready to build the home I had been dreaming of. The one we saved for and Neil made me wait for. He was adamant that we should pay cash for everything. It was a lot of cash to save, but I guess I should thank him now since I owned it outright.
“So tell us where you’ve been, Reed,” Ma interrupted. She always had to be in the know.
Reed turned toward Ma. “After college I got a teaching and assistant coaching position in Wisconsin close to where my parents are now. But when the head coach position for the Panthers came up, I couldn’t resist being back at my old alma mater.”
I never went to Pomona High; it was built after I had graduated. Back in the day, it caused a lot of heartburn when our city went from one high school to two; now we had three. But I was proud to be the mom of a Panther. Matt and Jimmy attended James’s and my old school. Technically they were rivals with Cody. Thankfully, Matt and Jimmy ran cross country, so there weren’t any hard feelings between the cousins. They were happy to cheer each other on at their respective events.
“How are your parents?” Ma asked Reed.
“Good. Dad finally retired this year and they bought an RV to travel the country.”
Ma gave Dad the eye that said, See? It was her dream to travel with Dad, but Dad wasn’t done working. Dad grimaced before pretending like he hadn’t seen her glare.
Ma let it drop for now, but I’m sure Dad would get an earful later. She still had some questions for Reed. “Are you dating anyone?”
Poor Reed.
He took it all in stride. “Not right now.”
Ma got my attention. “What young women do we know at church that we could set him up with?”
I gave her a blank stare. I hadn’t been to church since Easter and I wasn’t up on all the single ladies. I’d had my own relationship issues to deal with.
Ma waved her hand at me like I was no use, but then a thought popped into her head and she was back to penetrating me with her all-knowing eyes. “We really need to come up with a list of single older men for you. You’re going to be forty in two months, and you know what the odds are of you ever getting married after that? You’re more likely to die in a plane crash.”
I dropped my fork and it clanged against my plate. “Ma, could I at least be divorced for a few weeks before we talk about getting married again?” Not like I was ever planning on it. Dying in a plane crash sounded better.
The “D” word set Mimsy off again. Dad saved me and grabbed her glass before anybody else got sprayed with her unsanctified water. But Mimsy still had her two cents to add. “Whoever she marries now will be committing adultery since she’s been married.”
Snickers of muted laughter filled the room.
I really needed that triple chocolate mousse pie.
Everyone guffawed at my expense, well, everyone but Reed and my son. I could tell from Cody’s stiff stance next to me that he didn’t need to think of both his parents as adulterers, even though he knew what Mimsy said wasn’t true.
While I touched my son’s knee, Reed, in a very unexpected gesture, placed his hand on my bare knee under the table. “You’d be worth it.”
He removed his hand as fast as he had placed it on me. Then he acted as if it never happened. Or maybe he was disgusted by how prickly my leg was. Shaving had gone way down on the priority list.
I wasn’t sure how to feel about his touch. That man hand didn’t belong to the boy I knew, and neither did his look. And why would he say something like that? What did he know? He was a kid.
Chapter Four
Nights were the worst. My mind not only raced, but it replayed every gut-wrenching moment of the past eight months. From the second Neil confessed his supposed one-time indiscretion to the real truth. Or at least as far as I knew. I wasn’t sure what was real anymore. He was gone, and all I knew was the king-size bed felt too big. Loneliness filled the room with the tray ceilings I had insisted on having.
I stared up at the ceiling fan spinning in a circle in the dark. It wasn’t far from how I felt. I needed to get off that track and start to live again. I needed to do more than go through the motions like the fan above me. Cody needed to see that his mom was thriving, not just putting one foot in front of the other. So I had been sidelined, benched really. That sparked an idea.
I sat
up and reached for my laptop on the nightstand. I was declaring my independence. Not like the divorce decree hadn’t made that clear already, but it’s different when it’s by choice. I did choose the divorce, but there was no other choice. Neil’s one-night stand turned into a full-blown relationship. He blamed it all on Roxie; she wouldn’t let him be. She threatened and bribed him. He couldn’t say no. Those were all excuses. I had believed his lies of it being a one-night stand. I even tried to work it out, and we sought counseling. The whole time he was still seeing her. I only found out about the pregnancy because I took his car one night. Over the car’s Bluetooth I heard her on his mobile phone when I pulled into the garage. Their conversation came through loud and clear. I heard the distinct words, “I’m pregnant, Neil.”
All the hurt and anger I already felt about his betrayal compounded and left me shattered. The man I had given my all to had decided I wasn’t enough. That was the last night he ever spent in this house. Now he lived in an apartment near downtown Chicago. Roxie lived there too, though he still wouldn’t admit it to me. I’m not sure why he bothered lying. I wondered if he was going to marry her. I asked him once out of masochistic stupidity. I had learned it was better to know the painful truth than live a lie. And I had a right to know because of Cody. He shook his head no, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye.
I turned on my laptop and logged into the blog I had started several years ago chronicling the Higgins Family. When the blog came up, our last family photo taken a year ago on the shores of Lake Michigan stared back at me. I almost lost it, but I was done losing myself. I was going to rediscover Samantha Decker. Tonight, I was more than starting a new chapter. I was ending one book and starting another. I began to type as fast as my fingers and mind would allow.
The Sidelined Wife Page 2
