“Do you want to talk?”
I snuggled in closer. “Neil called me. He’s a new dad.”
Reed ran his fingers down my arm, again, not saying a word.
“He was crying. He never cried once when we were married. He wished the baby was ours.”
Reed’s hand froze in place, mid stroke. “And what do you wish for?”
“For a long time, I wished for a little girl with him and another little boy. I wished for a lot of things.” I kept the tears at bay.
“You could still have those things.”
I spat out a laugh. “I’m forty. I don’t even know if those parts of my body still work. And before I know it, Cody will be in college.”
“What do you want, Sam?”
I thought for a second. “I’m trying to figure that out.”
“Do you still want Neil?” He tensed.
“No.” I knew that for sure.
Reed relaxed and kissed the top of my head. “What about Gary?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Too much like Neil.”
Silence hung between us for a moment.
“I’m sorry I woke you up in the middle of the night and cried all over your shirt again.”
“I put it on especially for you.”
“Oh.”
“You sound disappointed.”
Oops. I bit my lip. “I was kind of hoping you would be shirtless like the time we brought you dinner,” I admitted.
“You liked what you saw?” He sounded as happy as could be.
“Yes.” My cheeks were burning. I don’t remember being this forward.
He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. “If we’re being honest, I put my shirt on because I wasn’t sure why you were coming over. But let’s just say I was hoping the shirt would come back off.”
I stopped breathing. I had a feeling he might think that. The only sound was the beat of his heart. It was louder and more frequent now. “Reed.” His name came out as a breath.
“But . . . I know you’re not ready for that step, and as much as I want to pick you up and take you to my bed, I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize what we have.”
What was it that we had? Thoughts of . . . well, thoughts of us being together were tempting. And he had no idea how good it felt that he wanted me. It had been a long time, but I wasn’t sure I was that woman. I needed commitment, and not because of my mother. I knew how intimate that act was, and for me, love must be there, the all-encompassing kind.
“Waking up in your arms sounds lovely, but you’re right, I’m not ready. And could you imagine Sunday dinner? I have a feeling if I ever had sex without being married, some radar would go off to alert my mother. Mimsy, too.”
He ran his fingers through my hair. “I would hate to be the cause of that wrath, and I don’t think I would fare well in that scenario either.”
“Not at all.” I laughed.
Reed didn’t laugh with me. Instead, he tilted my chin up and leaned back so we could see each other. In his eyes, I saw myself again.
He brushed my lips before letting out a deep breath. “You are tempting.”
“Next time I’ll show up with bad breath.”
“If only that would help. But, Sam . . . I want there to be a next time. I’m tired of sneaking around. Football season is almost over. I would like to date you out in the open.”
Was I ready for that? Now my heart was pounding. “I don’t know how Cody would feel about it . . .”
“I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit. Have you even broached the subject with him?”
A thousand thoughts ran through my head while I peered into Reed’s beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that were waiting for an answer. “How would his teammates treat him if they knew?”
“It might be a little weird at first and he might get razzed some, but they’re good kids. Cody is well liked and respected. It would blow over.”
I bit my lip and thought some more.
Reed ran the back of his hand down my cheek. “Sam, we can’t keep going on like this. You’re getting to be too well known; it’s bound to come out, one way or the other. And as fun as sneaking around with you is, it’s not really my style.”
There was a lot of truth to what he was saying. I leaned back against him and closed my eyes. “I’ll talk to Cody.”
Chapter Forty
“How are you holding up, love?” Gelaire asked over the phone.
I stared down at my pajamas. It was noon, so that’s how I was. Granted, I didn’t get home until four in the morning. Reed’s arms were hard to leave. We hardly said a word, barely even kissed. He just held on and I soaked it in. I knew what I had to face today, and I needed what he had to offer.
Cody would find out he was a brother and that I had been dating his coach. I was going to see how the whole baby thing went before I sprung the latter on him. Maybe Reed was right. I wasn’t giving him enough credit. Cody did adore Reed. But if Cody knew, my family would know. And I’d heard Avery last night. She thought it was a joke.
I let out a deep sigh into the phone. Gelaire responded with one of her own.
“I’m okay. What else can I be?”
“I would say you have room for a gamut of violent thoughts and emotions.”
“I’m tired of feeling that way.”
“Love, I’m so sorry. Neil is sorry.”
“What good does it do now?”
“Unfortunately, it is too late for the two of you, but I hope for my son and my grandson’s sake, and . . . ,” she hesitated, “for Farrah’s sake, his remorse will be meaningful. That he will be the father I know he can be.”
Gelaire had mentioned the baby’s name earlier too. Come to think of it, Roxie reminded me of a young Farrah Fawcett. It was a fitting name for her daughter. And though Gelaire was unhappy about how the child entered the world, she was thrilled to have a granddaughter. She tried to not let that come through for my sake, but she’d wanted another grandchild forever. Neil’s older brother and wife had decided parenting wasn’t for them, and Neil pretty much had too, so she never thought this day would come. She had already been to the hospital.
“I hope so too.” I meant that for Cody’s sake.
“You are queen among women, love. Never forget that.”
“I love you. I should probably go. I need to get ready for the day and get Cody. He needs to know.”
“Do you think Neil could tell him?” Her voice shook.
“Does he want to call him?”
“He was hoping to come over.”
My heart stopped at the thought of having to see him today. “Why didn’t he call me?”
“He feared he upset you last night, rightly so. It is unfair of him to tell you of his feelings now.” He must have told his mother what he said.
“Agreed.”
“But don’t you think this should come from Neil?”
I did, but seeing him today was not on my to-do list. I rubbed my face with my free hand. “When did he want to come over?”
“This evening. I was going to go back to the hospital to stay with the baby while he’s gone.”
“Where’s . . . you know . . . ?” I couldn’t say her name.
“I’m doing my best to be positive, but that woman is positively unfit to be a mother. My son will have his hands full. I fear I may have to step in and help during the day. You know I’m not a religious woman, but pray for me, love.”
“I can do that.”
“Can Neil come by?”
I closed my eyes and soaked in the afternoon sun filtering into my bedroom, hoping to find some strength in it. “I suppose he should. Please don’t let him disappoint Cody again. I don’t want to tell him his dad is coming only for him not to.”
“He’ll be there.”
For my son’s sake, I hoped she was right.
That changed my plans for the day. I would have to cancel Sunday dinner with my family and Reed. A twinge of guilt panged me; I was kind of glad for the excuse—d
inner wasn’t the same without Peter and Delanie. Though I would miss seeing Reed.
Now, though, my focus had to be Cody and getting him through this day. I wished for a hand to hold to help get me through.
~*~
6:00 p.m. He should be here. I knew it, he wasn’t going to show and there my son was sitting on the living room couch doing his best to act unaffected. But he was fidgeting and staring aimlessly at his phone. I wanted to brace him for the news he was about to receive, but it would be best coming from his father.
I continued to pace the kitchen, pretending like I was doing something useful like checking the empty oven and opening the refrigerator half-a-dozen times.
When the doorbell rang, I jumped. I turned to Cody; he was stiff with wide eyes.
“I’ll get it,” I offered.
Cody nodded his appreciation.
Have I mentioned how it sucked to be the adult sometimes?
For the love of my son, I straightened my black rayon blouse. I was dressed nicer than normal, with newly acquired thigh-slimming jeans and some leopard print shoes. I don’t know why, but leopard print shoes said you were ready to roar. I didn’t feel like that at all, but I was faking it.
I gave Cody a quick this-is-going-to-be-alright smile before I opened the door. A wave of cold wind rushed in. It was enough to ruffle Neil’s hair plugs. I maintained my composure and didn’t laugh.
“Come in,” I said in a rush.
He didn’t hesitate until he stepped inside. He looked so out of place here now. At least he wasn’t wearing skinny jeans and some of the dye had faded out of his hair. But he didn’t belong here.
He looked around as if he hadn’t ever lived here. “I like the new curtains,” he stammered, staring at the tall windows that stood on either side of the fireplace.
I doubted that. They were cream and ruffled. “Thanks.”
We both focused on Cody, who was now standing in the living room. The gas fireplace illuminated him from behind. I looked between the two. For Cody, I had a warm smile; for Neil, I had a warning.
“Don’t blow this,” I whispered. It was then I realized he held two cards in his hands, red from the cold.
The shimmering envelope had my name on it. Neil handed it to me. “I know it’s a day early, but happy birthday.”
“You shouldn’t have.” I took the card, but only because I wanted to set a good example for my son.
“There are a lot of things I shouldn’t have done; this isn’t one of them.”
“I’ll leave you two alone.” I didn’t need any more confessions from Neil. I passed by Cody and gave his hand a quick squeeze on my way to the family room.
His eyes said, don’t go too far. I had no intentions of doing so.
I sat on the sectional, holding my breath and sending up prayers to heaven. In my heart, I knew this needed to happen, but it didn’t make it any less difficult. It didn’t help when I opened the card. Thinking of You on Your Birthday. I refrained from scoffing. His written message inside was worse. It started out like a Cher song, If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t miss a single moment with you. Happy birthday. All my love, Neil.
It was going in the fire as soon as Cody went to bed.
I tuned into the uncomfortable conversation in the living room.
“How have you been, son?”
Cody didn’t respond verbally, but I imagined him shrugging.
“I’m sorry I’ve missed your games. I’m probably not going to make any of them this year because, well, I have some news for you. But I promise next year I’ll make every one.”
“Right.” Cody wasn’t buying it.
“I know you have no good reason to believe me, but I’m going to change that.”
Cody was silent.
“Son,” Neil paused and paused some more, “your sister was born last night.”
I desperately wanted to see Cody’s reaction, but I would have had to go into the kitchen, and that would have been obvious.
“She resembles you, same chin and eye shape.”
So she looked like Neil.
“I want you to meet her.”
Cody still said nothing. That worried me more than anything.
“Maybe this coming weekend you could come stay with us.” Neil’s nerves were coming through.
Cody was quick to respond this time. “I don’t want to stay at your place.”
“Understandable.” Neil thought for a moment. “Would you stay with your grandma? I can bring Farrah, your sister, there. We could spend our time together there.”
“I can’t. My girlfriend is having a party.”
His what!? When did Rory become his girlfriend? Last I heard, the homecoming date was awesome and he kissed her goodnight, but there was never any talk of steady dating. My heart couldn’t take all this.
“You have a girlfriend? What’s her name?”
“Rory.”
“That’s nice.”
It wasn’t nice. And what did Neil know? He wasn’t the one dealing with it.
“Well, what about the following weekend?”
Cody took his time to answer. “Maybe.”
“All right, I’ll call you this week.”
“Yeah,” Cody didn’t sound like he was buying it. I couldn’t blame him.
Neil tried to make some more small talk, but Cody wasn’t having it. Neil finally said, “I better get back to the hospital. Take care of yourself and your mom.”
It was as if I could see Cody glare when he responded, “I’ll do a better job than you ever did.” Anger wrapped around every word, and if I wasn’t mistaken, I heard his voice crack as if he was holding back tears.
I was ready to rush in with my tear-filled eyes, but I let him own his emotions. His father needed to see them and feel them. Cody needed to feel them.
“I know you will, son.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood and walked into the kitchen. There I saw two men face-to-face, one standing proud, the other dwindling in his son’s shadow.
Neil handed Cody a blue envelope. “I know this doesn’t make up for anything, but maybe you can put it toward the car you’ve been saving for. I’ll call you.” He tried to drive that point home.
Cody took the card but said nothing.
Neil knew he could do no more. He gave me a wave and walked out looking like he had lost a few inches. His stature had certainly been lost in our son’s eyes.
We let Neil see himself out.
I paused in the kitchen, waiting for a cue from Cody on how to proceed. I got one all right, and it brought me both joy and heartache. He hurried to me in the kitchen and put his arms around me.
I held my man-child—who stood taller than me—like I once had long ago to keep him safe from the monsters he was afraid of under the bed. Unfortunately, this time there was nothing pretend about the situation. And I would have to help him see that his father wasn’t a monster. Along the way, I would have to learn that too.
There were some other lessons in store for me.
“Mom, I’m glad you’re not with anybody.”
Chapter Forty-One
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell him after that.”
Like a teenager, I was sitting on the floor of my closet having whispered phone conversations with a man I was secretly dating and would be for the foreseeable future, as long as he was still okay with it. Was that wrong? Was I lying to my son now?
Reed was awfully quiet for longer than was comfortable. “It’s understandable.”
“He’s been through a lot.”
“You both have.”
“I really am sorry.”
“Don’t be. Cody comes first, I get that.”
“We can still grocery shop tomorrow. It’s what I’ve always wanted for my birthday.”
“It’s probably not a good idea for us to go out in public anymore.”
I leaned back against the wall in my closet. “You’re probably right.”
“I’m beat. I’m going
to head to bed.”
“I guess that’s what happens when emotional women show up at your doorstep in the middle of the night.” I tried to add some humor and longevity to the conversation. I didn’t want to end on this note.
Reed wasn’t taking the bait. “Goodnight, Sam.”
“Goodnight.” I stared at my phone after we hung up. Loss filled me. What was I going to do? I felt like I had moved into the space between the rock and the hard place. No matter which way I went, I felt like I would hurt someone I cared about.
Reed was right, though, Cody came first. Maybe in a couple of months Cody would feel different. So maybe Reed and I couldn’t see each other as often, but we could still see each other. It’s not like anything had really changed, except it felt like there had been a major paradigm shift. I couldn’t understand it. If we were only having fun, why did it matter if it was private or public?
I took to my blog. My feelings needed an outlet, even if I couldn’t express exactly what I was going through.
Tomorrow I turn the big 4-0. I smell a mid-life crisis the size of the Sears Tower coming on. Okay, it will probably be more like me going crazy and throwing in some towels with my jeans when I wash them. I know, I live on the wild side over here. I should probably invest in more lint rollers. Besides that, I will probably down half the chocolate pudding cake I plan to make myself. Which brings me to some life lessons I’ve learned during this supposed first half of my life:
Don’t buy jeans that you think you will fit into. You never will.
Don’t wear those jeans. Just because you can zip them up with the help of a crane doesn’t mean they fit. UTI’s are not fun, sisters.
If something feels wrong, it is. Don’t run from it. If you do, it will run right over you when you least expect it. Face it head on. It won’t take the pain away, but there is power in choice. Choosing to go through the obstacle rather than being forced lends you amazing strength and a sense of control.
Act. If you don’t, someone else will, and you won’t like it. Guaranteed.
Leave the dishes until morning. The world will not come to an end. I promise. I didn’t used to believe it, but I’ve tried it a few times and I’ve never died. There’s always tomorrow, though.
The Sidelined Wife Page 24
