“Speaking of dating, what advice do you have?” Marla asked.
“Proceed with extreme caution,” rolled off my tongue. “And try dating yourself. It might be the best time you ever had. That goodnight kiss is a little awkward, though.”
Why was everything I said so funny to these people? Laughter pealed through the studio.
“I guess that means a second marriage is off the table for you?” Manny asked.
I tossed my head from side to side. “I wouldn’t say that. But when I see women jumping from one marriage to another, I’m like, honey, you just got your one-way ticket out of hell—oops, can I say hell?”
“Well, you just did.” Marla slapped my arm playfully.
“Anyway, I just think, enjoy the clean toilet for a while.”
Manny leaned back. “Hey, now.”
“You know it’s true.” Marla gave her co-host a wink.
“Let’s get back to the protein balls,” Manny suggested.
You could never go wrong with a protein ball. That was going to be my new motto.
Chapter Forty-Three
Giddy. I felt positively giddy. I survived the interview, my house smelled heavenly, like red wine stew and the homemade rolls I had thrown in the oven a few minutes ago. Cody was surviving per Gelaire. She said it was tense between him and Neil, but Cody lingered wherever baby Farrah was. I took that as a good sign. Not only that, in moments my spine would be tingling. I planned to pull Reed in the house and kiss him thoroughly. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed him.
I was flitting around my kitchen like Doris Day, checking on the last-minute details of our candlelit dinner that was way overdue. I had set everything up at the breakfast bar. For some reason, I still couldn’t do the formal dining room. The candles flickered to the tune of Frank Sinatra on the surround sound. The wine was chilling and the glasses sparkled, waiting to be filled. I stirred the stew one more time and turned on the oven light to check on the rolls before the doorbell rang.
I hustled out of the Marla and Manny apron I was given today before I left the studio. I smoothed my little black dress and checked to make sure I put on deodorant and that my armpits were still smooth. A lot of skin was showing. I had to moisturize the heck out of myself this afternoon. Don’t even get me going on the hair removal. When I deemed myself passable, I headed for the door in my heels, clicking against the hardwood floors. All in a rush to see Reed.
I swung the door open and before I said a word, I looked to the left and right to make sure he wasn’t seen. I didn’t even see his jeep. He must have parked far away. Good plan.
I pulled him in by his red tie and shut the door before wrapping my arms around his neck. I let my lips say hello.
Reed didn’t reciprocate the way I thought he would. It took him several seconds to wrap his cold hands around me. His lips were hesitant. No tingling spine moves.
I pulled my head back. I was eye level with him in my heels. “Hi.”
He pressed his lips together. His blue eyes studied me. “Hi.”
“I’m glad you could make it. I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” he replied, but it sounded against his will.
I took his hand. “I hope you’re hungry.” I pulled him toward the kitchen.
He didn’t respond, but followed me.
“Did you see my interview?” I continued to drag him along.
“Yeah,” he sounded off. What was going on with him? He was probably bummed about the season being over.
I led him to a stool and sat him down hoping to kiss him again, but his tightened jaw was flinching in addition to his stiff posture.
I stood for a second, not sure what to say or do. “Is everything okay? Did you think I was awful?” Delanie and Avery had called it fantastic, though I wouldn’t go that far.
He looked me over and I couldn’t tell if he liked what he saw. I’d hoped by this point he would have told me how much he loved the barely-there dress and that I’d be needing to fix my hair.
My heart raced. “Reed?”
“You were great.”
I tilted my head. “You don’t sound so sure.”
“It gave me a lot to think about.”
“Are you going to give up cookies for protein balls?”
He didn’t even crack a smile. “Sam.” He took my hand, but not as a romantic gesture. It felt more out of necessity than want. “Did you mean what you said today in the interview?”
“The part about protein balls lasting for up to a month in the freezer?”
“Could you stop it with the protein balls?”
I stepped back. I had never heard him upset before. “Okay. What part?”
“The part where you dismissed relationships. Is that how you really feel?”
“You mean about marriage and dating?”
“Yes. Is that not something you want?”
I braved edging closer. “Reed, we date.”
He let out the heaviest of breaths. “We don’t date, Sam. You squeeze me in when it’s convenient for you, all secretly. All on your terms.”
Where was this coming from? My feet shifted. “I thought you understood my circumstances and that you were okay with the way things are.”
“I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. I told you sneaking around wasn’t my style.”
“You know how Cody feels about it. I can’t change that.”
He shook his head. “You don’t know how Cody really feels about it because you won’t talk to him. And you don’t want to.”
“I was going to.”
“Sam.” He pulled me closer. “You were relieved when you didn’t have to. You used Cody as an excuse.”
My first instinct was to deny what he was saying, but the truth rang in my head. He was right. “I still don’t get why that bothers you. You’ve never indicated you wanted a serious relationship with me. You even talked about dating Penelope.”
“I only said that to your mom to keep playing your game.”
“I’m not playing games with you.”
“Maybe that’s the wrong word, and maybe I’ve been playing games too, all in hopes that you would come around and let me in.”
Confusion continued to swirl in my head. “What do you mean ‘let you in’? I’ve been open and honest with you from the beginning.”
A softness washed over his features. “You’ve done your best to keep me at arm’s length. And I don’t blame you. I probably should have waited to ask you out. I knew you were hurting, rightfully so. I thought if I played it cool, with no pressure, you might open yourself up to the possibility of a real relationship. But every time I tried to talk about it or tell you how I really felt, you would change the subject or say something funny to brush over it.”
“I didn’t—”
Reed placed his finger on my lips. “Think about it, Sam.”
I thought back to all the times we were together and suddenly, as if a light went on, I saw them in a whole new way. He was right. I ran my fingers through my hair, taking shallow breaths.
“I think today on that show is the most honest you’ve been. You don’t want to date, and you certainly don’t want to get married.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and peered into my eyes. “I do, though. I want those things. I see myself having those things with you.”
It was as if a wave of ice cold water hit me, tossing me every which way. I wasn’t sure what was up or down. “You want to marry me?” I stuttered.
“I’d like to explore that possibility someday, but I can’t until you’re willing to move on and let yourself be vulnerable again. I’m through sneaking around and pretending this is all for fun. Don’t get me wrong, it is the most fun I’ve ever had and I don’t regret a second of our time together. But I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep falling in love with someone who has no intention of loving me back.”
“I . . .” What did I say? My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my head. I could barely hear over the blood ru
shing through my ears. “I care about you. I don’t want us to end.”
He pressed his lips to my forehead. “You didn’t let us begin.” He pulled away and stood up.
“You’re leaving?” My voiced cracked.
“I think it’s for the best.”
“So that’s it?”
He shook his head. “If and when you’re ever ready, call me. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve waited a long time for you. I can wait some more . . . but not forever.”
I stood staring at him, dumbfounded, tears pricking my eyes.
“Goodbye, Sam.”
He left. He just left. It was like watching Neil leave me all over again.
The timer went off for the rolls, giving me a heart attack. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I took them out of the oven and threw them on the counter. The sound of metal against the granite reverberated through the kitchen. I looked at the melting candles and flickering lights, trying desperately to think of all the reasons he was wrong and how unfair this was of him. I was over Neil and my divorce. I was only trying to protect my son. I hadn’t known how deep Reed’s feelings ran. Or did I?
I looked at the breakfast bar, set for dinner. It was glaring proof; Reed was right. I couldn’t even face eating in my dining room because Neil’s ghost still haunted it. And maybe I was trying to protect Cody, but it was my heart that I shielded more than anything.
But in trying to protect my heart, did I forfeit what it had truly wanted all along?
Chapter Forty-Four
I should have been basking in the glow of more offers than I could count, of TV interviews, book deals, and sponsorships. Instead, I felt like I was wandering around in the dark, all while reality hit me.
I wasn’t as whole as I thought I was. Sure, I knew I was a mess, but I truly believed I was over Neil. But not wanting to be with someone and being over them are two starkly different things. That realization had me hating Neil more.
I hurt someone I truly cared about, albeit unintentionally, but he was hurt. I saw it in his eyes. And worse, I knew how it felt to love someone that didn’t love you back. Neil could profess that he still loved me all he wanted to, but his actions spoke the truth. Just like my actions spelled out to Reed where he stood.
The worst part was I didn’t know how to fix it or if I could. Was I damaged beyond repair? All I knew was when Reed left, he took something. Something I missed. Him.
Not only did he disappear from my life, but from every Decker, even Peter. It hadn’t gone unnoticed.
Peter stopped by my office the Monday before Thanksgiving. He and Delanie were leaving the following day for New York. I was probably more depressed than I had ever been, but like always, I was trying to hide my emotions. It was a horrible habit and had cost me dearly. But I didn’t even know where to begin.
Not only had Reed walked out of my life—or more like I’d pushed him—but Peter, Delanie, and Ma were still on the outs. It was causing marital discord between my parents. More and more when I was at my parents’, Dad was disappearing into their garage to tinker on the boat Ma hated. And Ma was digging in her heels, unwilling to even talk to Peter or Delanie until they apologized. Peter and Delanie, like the rest of us, weren’t sure what they had done, and Ma couldn’t articulate it. To top it off, it was the first time I would ever be spending Thanksgiving without Cody. I saved the advanced copy of A Black Night to help get me through, though I wasn’t sure it would help. Reading a romance was probably the last thing I needed, seeing I was incapable of having one of my own.
I was beginning to wonder if August Moone had some supernatural abilities beyond being unknown. She sent a card with the book that read, Embrace the night, learn what the darkness has to teach. You can never appreciate the light until you do. Then once the light comes, it will warm you and illuminate your path in ways you never dreamed of.
It was like she knew what I was grappling with. Maybe I should have been creeped out by it, but I took solace in her words. Though I had no idea how to embrace the night. I was afraid of the dark.
Peter peeked his handsome head into my office. Like all of us, some of the light was dimmed in his eyes. He was team Delanie one hundred percent, as he should have been, but family was important to Peter and he hated the separation between him and Ma. He had been a mama’s boy growing up. And James and I always suspected Peter was Ma’s favorite.
“Hey, sis. Can I talk to you?”
“Sure.” I turned away from my monitor. I was tired of updating vendor accounts anyway.
He shut my door and took the only other seat in the office, in front of my desk. He looked worn, with red cheeks from working out in the cold. They were finishing up a job for the city park, winterizing and redoing the mulch before the big snow came. He rubbed his cold, dry hands together and blew into them.
“You look like a lumberjack in your flannel shirt.”
He gave me a small smile. “Delanie finds it sexy.”
I knew someone else that liked flannel, but I didn’t mention it. “That’s true love, there.”
“Speaking of love.” He leaned forward. “Do you want tell me what’s going on between you and Reed?” Peter’s knowing eyes weren’t going to let me off the hook.
I took a deep breath and let it out. “I can honestly say, nothing.”
“Let me rephrase. What happened between you?”
My eyes betrayed me; they pooled with tears.
Peter handed me a tissue from the box that sat on my desk.
I took it and dabbed the corner of my eyes. “We were secretly dating, or at least I thought we were.”
He tilted his head. “Either you were or you weren’t.”
“I thought we were, but what I was really doing was hurting him.” Moisture continued to accumulate and run down my cheeks.
He handed me another tissue. “It looks like he wasn’t the only one hurt. What happened?”
I wrung the tissue in my hands. “I didn’t realize—or I wouldn’t admit it to myself—that he wanted more than I could give, more than I was ready for. I’m damaged goods, and I really suck at relationships.”
Peter shook his head. “That’s not true. You are a great friend, sister, mother, daughter, and you were a good wife.”
“Then why did Neil leave? And now Reed?” I begged to know.
Peter’s eyes said he wished he had an answer. “Have you ever asked Neil?”
“He thinks I made him leave.”
“What about Reed?”
“He says he’s willing to wait until I figure things out. He thinks I’m still hung up on Neil and closed off.”
Peter leaned back. “Is he right?”
My fists balled up. “I don’t love Neil.”
Peter reached across and placed his cold hand on top of my clenched one. His eyes were trying to reach me and understand my pain.
“You were married for a long time. That kind of love just doesn’t go away, even when a betrayal so deep has occurred. Maybe you’ve been hiding from the love to lessen the pain. That’s a natural reaction.”
“How could I still love him after everything he did to me?”
“Because you’re human, Sam. Loving him doesn’t make you less of a person, nor does it mean you should be together. But you have to go through the pain.”
“I feel like that’s all I’ve done,” I cried.
He squeezed my hand. “You have to forgive him, for yourself.”
“How do I do that?” I desperately wanted to know.
“We think that time heals wounds, and maybe it helps, but I’ve found that we must actively be doing.”
“Doing what?”
“All that we do requires action, faith, love, forgiveness. Even letting go and receiving love.”
I wiped my eyes. “It might be too late for Reed. He said he wouldn’t wait forever.”
“Sam, if we all waited to be whole to give or receive love, we would live in a very dark world indeed. We’re all broken. Some more than others, and s
ome less than they think.” He gave me a little wink.
“I bet you were a good priest.”
He sat back. “I hope I’m a better husband.”
“I think you do okay there.” I gave him a small grin. “Thank you. I guess I have some work to do.”
“You’re not the only one.”
Was he talking about himself or someone else?
Chapter Forty-Five
I sat cross-legged on my bed late that night. My hand shook as I dialed Neil’s number. I tried to take Peter’s advice. I had to feel the pain, and the only way I could think of was to get the whole truth, the why of it all. Maybe if I knew, I could deal with it, as painful as it would probably be.
His phone rang a couple of times. Perhaps I should have waited until morning, but I figured he had a newborn, he would be up. According to Gelaire, the bundle of joy had her days and nights mixed up. Cody had attested to that and her set of lungs.
I almost hung up.
“Sam, is Cody okay?”
“Uh, yeah.” His query caught me off guard. “Why wouldn’t he be?”
“I can’t think of why else you would call.”
“I hope I didn’t wake you.” I stalled to tell him the reason.
“I’ve got a long night ahead of me.”
“I bet.”
“What’s wrong, Samantha?”
I guess he still knew me. I breathed in deep to not only draw some courage, but to stave off the tears. “Where did it go wrong for you?”
He paused. “Where’s this coming from?”
“I need to know why you left me.”
“You told me to leave.”
“That’s not what I mean. You left me long before you moved out. What changed for you?”
“Sam, does it really matter? It doesn’t excuse what I did.”
“It won’t change our circumstance now, but it does matter.”
I could almost see him pinch the bridge of his nose. Maybe take off his reading glasses and rub his eyes. He had probably been reading.
“You changed, Sam. You went from being my wife to Cody’s mother. I admit I was jealous, and it’s why I never wanted another baby.”
The Sidelined Wife Page 26
