“I think you were trying to tranquilize me.”
He bites my lip. Not softly either.
“You have a tattoo.” I kiss him back.
“I do.”
“You shaved.”
“I did.”
“I love it. It’s very sexy. Like over the top sexy. Like I want to lick you all day sexy.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.” I smile. But then I frown.
“What?”
“Do you want me to shave?”
“I love you just the way you are. It’s your decision. I shaved because I wanted you to see my tattoo. It’s the only way you can.”
“Do you think women are sexier with hair or without?”
“That depends on the woman, I would think. But you have to remember. I’ve not been with very many that I can remember.”
“Would you like to see me without hair?”
“I think you’d like to see yourself without hair,” and he laughs. I think about that for a minute and he’s right.
“I would. I’m going to do it when I leave the convent.”
Our afterglow is interrupted by Ethel barking.
“Oh hell, I forgot about Ethel. She’s been roaming around down there unsupervised.”
“And I’d better be getting back, too.”
We stand and he kisses me. “Did I tell you how gorgeous you are?”
It embarrasses me to hear him say it. “No. I feel frumpy. I haven’t had my hair done in forever and my clothes are awful. Kade, I didn’t always look like this.”
“Juliette, I don’t look at what you wear, or the style of your hair. I look at what’s within you.”
I jump up and hug him. I’m so short that it’s a stretch. “Damn, you’re tall.”
“It’s okay. I’ll pick you up.”
We put our clothes on that are here and go downstairs to finish dressing. Kade finds Ethel in his study. Luckily everything’s fine. We eat a quick lunch, gather together Ethel’s things, and get ready to leave for the convent.
“Oh, I have something for you. It’s an early Christmas gift.”
“But I didn’t get you anything.”
“It’s fine.” He disappears for a brief bit and then comes back and hands me a box. I unwrap it and inside is a cell phone.
“What? You didn’t have to get this!”
“I wanted to. I was going to help you figure out a way to hide it from Sister Helena, but we don’t have to do that now.”
“I’m going to need lessons.”
“It’s super easy. You had one before, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Still the same with a few more updates. Just play with it. You’ll figure it out. My number’s in here already. Call or text whenever.”
I throw my arms around him and thank him. “I haven’t had a present in a very long time. Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome. And Juliette, I love giving presents. Just saying.” He walks out the door leaving Ethel and me to follow.
Thirteen
Kade
The fading bruises on Juliette’s face stir something in me. Yes, I want to beat the shit out of that wicked bitch who did the damage to her beautiful face. But it runs much deeper than that. When you’ve lived through years of abuse, it does something to you. It weaves its way into your spirit, crippling your mind and mutilating your soul until you’re barely human anymore. The destruction is so extensive that you cease to exist as yourself. Or at least I did. I was a husk of a man. And seeing Juliette that way triggered those memories.
“Get up, dirt bag.”
He came into my room and pushed me off my bed. I was so high I hardly realized I hit the floor. Trying to focus on him through my glazed eyes was hopeless.
“Now that your brothers aren’t here to protect you, let’s see how much of a man you are.”
He never came alone. One of his bully bodyguards would be always accompany him. He’d knock me around, punch, and kick me. My defense was to take it. I knew better. I was lifeless, once again, spiritless flesh and bones, an easy target. Afterwards, I would crawl back in bed and do another round of drugs, just to ease the pain.
The next day when I went to school, the kids made fun of me. My face would be swollen and bruised. I’m sure I looked more like an eggplant than a high school boy. Breathing was agonizing. My ribs could barely expand enough to allow any air to pass. I didn’t talk to anyone about it—of course I had no friends to confide in and my mom stayed hidden in her bedroom. When my teachers would ask about it, I would lie and say I got into a fight with some make believe person. My brothers were busy with their own lives and I didn’t want to be a burden to them. They didn’t know what went on in their absences—my nightmarish existence and the hell I was locked inside of. Drugs were the only things that helped. I thought about killing myself so many times, but then I knew how much it would hurt my brothers that I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I thought things would get better when I went to college. My father didn’t want me around him so I figured he’d be glad to get rid of me. But I was so far into drugs by then, it was an utter disaster. I needed help, but didn’t know how to get it. He dragged me home one weekend and I endured another round of his bullies’ fists. But this time, he put two of them on me. No doubt several ribs were broken that time; my chest and back howled with every tiny breath I took. Then he drove me back to school and kicked me out of his car.
“Straighten up. I’m not giving you any more warnings.”
He drove off, leaving me lying on the curb in front of my dorm, a bruised and bloodied mess. One of the guys from my dorm saw what happened and helped me to my room. I did the first thing I could think of—more drugs. And I descended further into my own hell.
Juliette’s fading bruises make my body tense. Being beaten when you’re in a powerless position is the most helpless feeling in the world. If she hadn’t said something immediately to calm me down, I would have unraveled right that moment.
But now with Sister Helena removed, things will be so much better. Juliette will be free to choose her own path, and not feel obligated to stay in the convent, sneaking around like some subservient terrified creature.
“Juliette, I want you to have a Merry Christmas,” I say as we pull up in front of the convent. “You’re sure things are good here now?”
She smiles. “They’re good. And you have a wonderful time visiting your family. Merry Christmas, Kade. Thank you for my phone. I’ll cherish it, I promise.” She gives me a quick peck on the cheek and then hops out of the car. I have no choice but to do the same, though I wish we could sit next to each other for a bit longer.
I meet her at the back of the truck and stop her from grabbing Ethel’s crate. “I’ll get that. You get Ethel.”
“I’ve got her. I’ll grab the food and stuff, too.”
“You won’t ever let me handle things, will you?”
“I guess I’m just a worker bee, Kade.”
We have all the puppy’s things and head to the convent, where we are met by an entire bevy of nuns, oohing and ahhing over the little dog. Yeah, she’s going to be spoiled while I’m gone. Since everyone is caught up in the cuteness of Ethel, I quietly wish them all a Merry Christmas, and slip away.
The trouble is, I can’t seem to get Juliette off my mind. The more I’m around her, the more aware I am of how lonely I’ve been all these years. She’s opened up a door for me and let the sunshine in. But I never noticed how damn gloomy my life was before. I was so wrapped up in the healing and helping of others, and even myself, I never thought the world could be so bright.
My thoughts return to what she said about taking things slow. And she’s right. My first inclination is to dive in headfirst. It feels so damn good to be with her. But is it because I’ve never been with anyone I could really talk to before? To share my past with and not feel as though I’m being judged?
I pull into the parking lot at Living Free and Mack is waiting.<
br />
“You ready to talk?” he asks.
“Yeah.” We walk inside and both take seats in my office. I fill him in on what’s going on. He agrees about the slow thing.
“So, we all concur on that. What about my feelings of inadequacy, and how do I handle the part about wanting to use?”
“Come on, Kade. You know the answer to that. What would you tell an addict at one of your meetings?”
“To find another outlet.”
Mack leans back in his chair. “Exactly. But what I don’t want you to find is sex.”
“What?”
“Don’t replace the drugs with sex. You’re an addict. Don’t think you can’t become addicted to sex, too.”
“Is there usually crossover from substance abusers?”
“Not necessarily, but it sounds like you’re really into her.”
“Well, yeah, but I’m not going to go out and fuck just anyone.” It pisses me off that he would even think that.
“Good. I needed to hear that.”
“Damn, Mack, I’m not a fucking manwhore.”
“Calm down, man. I know you’re not. I was worried that you’d never be interested in sex again. Remember? I just had to make sure. So now that we have that established, what can you do?”
“Find another outlet.”
“Like?”
“I guess go back to what I did before—when I was in rehab.”
“Now you’re talking. As I recall, you hit the punching bag quite a bit.”
“That and I worked out a whole lot.”
“Then, Kade, I would suggest you get back to the gym. You have a top of the line facility here. When was the last time you worked out?”
“Okay. I get the picture.”
We part ways and I go home to change clothes. A good workout is what I need and it’s been weeks since I’ve had one. Afterward, I pack and get ready for tomorrow. It’s been almost a year—since my mom’s funeral—that I’ve been away from home. I’m anxious about leaving. Even though I tried to get out of going, my brothers wouldn’t hear of it. They put the guilt trip on me—told me they missed me and that we hadn’t been together as a family in years. So I agreed to go. I’ve had second thoughts ever since.
My flight is early—the plane meets me at seven. My brother owns a transportation company so he sends a corporate jet to pick me up. It makes traveling so easy. About three and a half hours later, we land in Charleston.
A car meets me on the tarmac and whisks me to my brother’s house. It’s a gorgeous home on the battery and now I know why Kestrel fell in love with this place. The old homes exude an unmatched charm and the views of the water are phenomenal.
I’m greeted by my family as I enter the house. “Merry Christmas,” they all say, handing me a fake mimosa. I shake my head because I know if I weren’t there, they’d all be pounding the adult beverages by now.
“This may be trouble,” I say.
“No, it won’t. We are all going to behave,” my sister-in-law, Gabby, announces. She’s the psychiatrist who works with addicts so she understands the difficulty this presents for me.
“Thanks, Gabby.”
“Carter, Kestrel, this place is fabulous.”
“Thanks, brother,” Kestrel says as he hugs me. Carter steps into my arms for a hug, too. I love her. She is a perfect fit for my brother, and her Southern charm is hard to resist.
“You look unbelievable, Kade. Absolutely, well, gorgeous.” Gabby grins at me.
“Yeah. A lot better than a couple of years ago, huh?”
The other three stand and observe our interaction. They understand our connection. Gabby was my savior and we’ll always be tight. We’ve been doctor-patient, brother-sister, but most of all great friends. She grabs my wrist and draws me into another room. I hear Kolson say as we leave, “There they go. No telling when we’ll get to see them.”
Gabby and I laugh.
“So? How’s it going? Living Free doing well?”
“Yeah. Gabby, there’s this girl.”
Her dark brown eyes, which are enormous to begin with, grow even larger. “What the hell, Kade. Why haven’t you called?”
“It’s … complicated.”
“Yeah, I do complicated. I’m a shrink. Remember?”
I frown.
“What is it?”
“It’s way more than your average complicated.”
“Is she an addict, too?”
“No! God, no. But I’m worried about the fact that I am.”
“Does she know?”
“Yes! I’ve been honest from the beginning.”
“That’s all you can do. Take it slow and let it flow.”
A half smile forms on my face. “That is going to be my new motto.”
“It should. I’m surprised you haven’t had women knocking down your door, dude. With the way you look. I mean, come on, Kade. Seriously.”
“There have been offers, and innuendos, but she’s the first I’ve been interested in.”
“All the more reason to take it slow and let it flow.”
“Got you, sis.”
She grabs me and gives me a powerful hug. “I’ve missed you, my friend. You look amazing. I am fiercely proud of you. I hope you know that.”
“Thank you and yes, I do know. And I hope you know that I love you like crazy. If it hadn’t been for you and Kolo, I would be dead right now. I hope you know that.”
She grins and says, “Best Christmas present ever.”
Later that day, we strike out and do the Charleston touristy things. We take a horse and carriage tour (which Kolson highly objects to), visit some old graveyards, take a tour of one of the historic mansions, and return home to a deliciously prepared meal by Kestrel’s talented chef.
As we eat, the suggestions from Kolson start coming about how the meal would’ve been better had Carter cooked it.
“All right, man, I don’t want my wife cooking in her condition,” Kestrel says. “You do realize that, right? Or is your memory fading?”
“Give it up, Kolo, you’ll never win this one,” I add.
“Oh, but Kade, you’ve never tasted Carter’s cooking. It’s the best.”
“He will if he comes back to Charleston after the baby is born,” Carter says.
“I’d love to,” I say. This town is everything they all said it was, and more. I look at Kestrel and his eyes are fixated on Carter. In fact, he hasn’t said a whole lot to me at all today. All he does is gaze lovingly at his wife. And sometimes it looks as though he wants to lick her. I’m surprised there isn’t a trail of drool running out of his mouth. Is this what love is? He’s worse than Kolo is with Gabby. The weird thing is he’s the last person I ever thought would fall for someone.
After dinner a movie is suggested, but I decline, saying I’m tired. I thought I could fall asleep fast, but that’s not the case. Juliette pops into my head, so I decide to take a chance and text her.
Me: How was your day?
A few minutes later, I get her response.
J: Good. Learning how to use phone. Ethel in bed with me. :)
Me: I’d like to be the one in bed with you. :(
J: I’d like that too. How’s the family?
Me: Fine. I want to tell them about you. I told Gabby, my sister-in-law the psychiatrist. But I gave no details. She thinks it’s great. Her advice—go slow and let it flow. Thought it was pretty good.
J: Very good!
Me: I’ll let you get back to sleep. Dream of me?
J: Always :)
Me: <3
I hit send and immediately wonder if that heart was too much. I can’t care about things like that anymore. It was only a silly heart. I refuse to worry about that. I’m only going to worry about one more day with my family and then I get to go home to my own environment, where I’m comfortable.
Her face keeps popping into my head and it makes me anxious. My feelings of inadequacies grow. Why is this happening to me? Why do I allow my damn brain to fuck with m
e every time like this?
“I thought I could make you into something strong, someone to be proud of. I was wrong. You are anything but that. You know what you are, don’t you?” He laughs. It grates on my raw nerves. “Garbage. Trash. But you already know that. You’ve lived with the rest of the stinking garbage. You stick that shit in your veins, smoke it, or whatever the hell you do. You say you wish you were dead? I’m gonna help you with that.”
He walks up to me, where I’m lying on my bed, bruised and broken from another one of his bullied beatings, and he holds a gun in his hand. He takes my hand and puts it around the thing. The action is so repulsive to me, I try to pull my hand out of his grip, but he’s too strong for me in my weakened state.
“Take this and do away with your miserable stinking self because I can’t stand the sight of you anymore. We would all be better without you, Kade. Do it. Squeeze the trigger. Kill yourself.”
The gun is aimed at my temple and he’s holding my hand that holds the gun. My arm shakes because that’s how damn weak I am. Tears stream down my face and I can’t think of a single word to say. I don’t want to die like this. Not by his hand. Not by his choosing. I hate this man with every cell, every atom in my breathing body. I decide to fight back in the way I’ve learned. I relax everything, letting go. My arm no longer tries to stay lifted, my hand lets go, my body goes slack, and he rages.
“You motherfucking pussy. You don’t even have the courage to take yourself out of here, where everyone hates your guts, hates the sight of you. I loathe your very existence. If you can’t kill yourself the manly way, try overdosing. Maybe this will help you get there.” He flings a bag of white powder at me. Heroin. Where the hell does he get this stuff? I shouldn’t have to ask that. He’s a mobster. He can get and do anything he wants.
My bedroom door slams and that’s when I decide I have to leave. I’ve been expelled from college. I can’t go back because I have no funds and God knows the drugs are interfering with everything. If I stay here, he will find a way to kill me. I’ll disappear on the streets. It’s easy enough to do. Thousands of people do it every day. Why can’t I be one of them?
The Fall and Rise of Kade Hart: A Hart Brothers Novel Page 18
