by Jessie Rosen
“No, you’re not,” Becca replied. “You’re trying to be Charlie’s girlfriend.”
Laura kept playing that conversation over and over in her mind. That was a Monday afternoon, and the last day that Becca came to school that week, and she didn’t return any of Laura’s calls or emails. According to the main office at school she was out sick, but Laura knew how easy that was to fake. Becca was hiding.
If she was going to get the truth out of Becca, then Laura needed to switch tactics. She needed to earn her friend’s trust again. Luckily she knew the exact way to Becca’s heart.
Every morning before school for the rest of that week she picked up a French-toast bagel with salted butter from Eli’s Hot Bagels in town and dropped it on Becca’s front porch with a note telling her to feel better and call if she needed anything. The French toast bagel was an Eli’s original, and Becca counted it among her favorite things in the entire world. Then, every night, she left another care package filled with one of Becca’s favorite foods. Tuesday night was the Godfather sub from Bay Cities Deli; on Wednesday she left a cookie-cream-pie sandwich from Baby Cakes with peanut butter on the top, Snickerdoodle on the bottom and lemon frosting in the middle; Thursday featured a hot slice of pizza from D’Amore’s, Becca’s favorite spot in town; and Friday would have been the black-and-white shake from Jersey Freeze with rainbow sprinkles, but just before Laura left school to go pick it up, Becca texted.
Hey. Thanks for all the food gifts. Can I come over tonight to talk? I’ll bring the snacks this time.
It didn’t sound like a message from a guilty person who knew she was about to be found out, but Laura didn’t want to make any assumptions. Maybe Becca was as conniving as Charlie.
Becca arrived around eight thirty with a Ziploc full of chocolate-chip cookies.
“Hi,” she said as she walked into the living room. “Your house is so…perfect.”
“Thanks,” Laura said. “I wanted you to meet my parents, but they went out for sushi without me, again. Not so perfect…”
“I hear that,” Becca said. “My dad and I don’t have the best relationship. Here.” She handed the bag of treats over. “I made these with my mom today. They’re sea salt- and caramel-infused.”
“Wow,” Laura said, smiling. “Thanks! I’ll go get us some big glasses of milk, and we can eat these on the couch.”
“Okay,” Becca said. She walked slowly past Laura and folded herself into the big sectional in the room. Laura realized that Becca looked like a shell of the girl she was a week or so ago. There was no fiery personality behind her eyes and she wasn’t talking with the same loud energy that she had when they first met. Laura’s first instinct was to say that Becca was acting guilty—head down and eyes averted—but the more she watched, the more she realized that Becca seemed sad.
“So, I can’t believe Principal Hayden shut down The Chronicle after the Sarah Castro-Tanner letter,” Laura said when she joined Becca on the couch. “We were hacked. We obviously had nothing to do with it. He has to know that, right?” She figured they might as well get right into it, especially since it didn’t look like Becca was up for a long conversation.
“Yeah,” Becca said. “That’s what I want to talk to you about.”
“Oh. The Chronicle closing? Is there anything we can even do?”
“No. Not about the paper. About Sarah.”
Apparently this was going to be easier than Laura thought. Becca wanted to talk about the very thing that Laura was dying to ask.
“Okay,” Laura said. “You can tell me anything you need to. I’m not going to tell anyone. I’m not even talking to Charlie right now.”
“Good,” Becca said. “He’s an evil asshole. What he did to Sarah should get him thrown in jail—him, that bitch Amanda, and their little minions.” Suddenly the old Becca was back.
“Do you think they did more than just harass her, though?” Laura asked. This felt like the moment to find out exactly what Becca knew.
“More?!” Becca yelled. “Is that not enough? Is it not enough to torture someone until they’re so scared and miserable that they go to their school principal to beg for help? You obviously don’t know how that can affect a person, or their family.” She put the cookie she was holding down on the couch and started to angrily pick at a loose string on her sweater.
“No, no,” Laura said. “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. I just feel like someone must think Charlie and his friends did more, or they wouldn’t be trying to ruin them with this article thing and that picture at the dance.”
Becca’s face shifted from angry to surprised, as if something just clicked inside her brain. She turned to face Laura and looked her directly in the eyes.
“You think I did this,” she said.
It was a statement, not a question, and that made it difficult for Laura answer. She had two options. She could be honest and say yes, or she could waver and say maybe. Right now, Laura wasn’t in a wavering mood.
“Yes,” Laura said. “I do.”
Becca nodded slowly, mulling over that news. After an awkward moment she finally looked up at Laura, and her eyes were filled with tears.
“I came here to confess something to you that’s really, really hard for me to talk about,” she said, “but now I don’t know if you deserve to know my secret.”
“Wait. That’s not fair,” Laura said. “I didn’t know that. All I know is that you have access to some stuff that has been used on Charlie and that I saw you sitting on your bike outside his house. Put yourself in my shoes, Becca.”
That seemed to calm Becca down for a moment. She reached back for her cookie and took another deep breath.
“I’m gay” were the next two words that came out of Becca’s mouth. They were the absolute last two words that Laura expected to hear.
“Oh,” Laura said. “I didn’t realize that. Thank you for telling me.”
“I’ve wanted to for a long time,” Becca said, “but almost nobody knows, and I feel safer that way for now.”
“That makes sense,” Laura said, but couldn’t stop herself from asking what felt like the most important question. “But what does that have to do with Charlie?”
“When everything happened with Sarah Castro-Tanner—everything that Charlie did to Sarah happened—I was in love with…someone for the first time.”
“Do you feel comfortable telling me who?” Laura asked after a few seconds.
“Sarah’s younger sister, Lexi.”
Laura was able to stop herself from screaming out what was on her mind this time, but only because it was a jumble of random words that didn’t make any sense. Lexi Castro-Tanner. The younger sister in Sarah’s story hadn’t factored into Laura’s thinking much at all. She had never for a moment considered the possibility that Becca might know Lexi, let alone have been in love with her. Plus, Laura had absolutely no idea that Lexi might be a lesbian. “Was Lexi your girlfriend?” Laura asked.
“Yes,” Becca said, “But no one knew. Neither of us was out then. I’m still only out to my family—no one at school knows. And Lexi—” Becca stopped herself. The sadness was back in her face now. “I don’t know if Lexi is out now. She wasn’t then, but I haven’t spoken to her in almost two years.”
“Since Sarah died,” Laura said, finally starting to make sense of it all. Becca nodded. “Lexi broke up with you?”
“Not officially. She just drifted away. She was totally destroyed when Sarah died. She couldn’t even get out of bed. I didn’t know how to help her, but she didn’t want help then anyway. She just wanted to get out of this town as fast as she could.”
“So that’s why the family moved to wherever they live now?”
“Yeah. Morristown. It’s not far actually. Every once in awhile I think I see Lexi out somewhere, but I’m too afraid to go up and check if it’s actually her. I…I just can’t… She broke my heart, Laura. I know it wasn’t her fault, but she just disappeared and never said good-bye.”
Laura
watched as tears gathered in Becca’s big, dark eyes. Before this moment, she couldn’t imagine Becca crying over anything, let alone love. Laura felt terrible about Becca’s pain, but she tried to remind herself that this didn’t answer the question about what Becca was doing in Charlie’s driveway. Laura had to somehow segue to that fact, and as sensitively as possible.
“So is this why you’ve been out of school lately?” Laura asked. “Has it just all hit you? Are you finally mad at Lexi for hurting you?”
“No. It wasn’t her fault. Lexi’s heart was broken, too.”
“Sarah broke her heart by doing what she did?”
“If that’s what you believe,” Becca said. Now there was an edge to her voice.
“What do you mean?” Laura asked.
“Well, I believe that Charlie broke it when he did what he did to Sarah. Now that I know he and his friends were to blame I can’t even be inside the same building as him. I’m going crazy. I sat outside his house that night trying to figure out how I could ruin his life.”
“But…you’re not sending him the messages he’s been getting about Sarah?”
“No. I wish I was,” she said passionately. “I wish I knew whatever info this person seems to have so I could help them take him down. He doesn’t deserve anything that he has, and I can’t believe you don’t see that, Laura. You can’t be with him. You’re better that that!” The fiery Becca was back.
“Well, thank you,” Laura said. “Charlie and I are definitely taking a break right now until I know more about whatever happened between him and Sarah.” Just as she said those words, Laura had what now seemed like an obvious thought. “Wait. Lexi. She must know more about Sarah’s story. None of the articles ever mentioned her side of the story. Maybe we could—”
“No, Laura. I’m not getting in touch with Lexi.”
“But what if she could help? What if she knows more about Charlie?”
“I need to remind myself that it’s not about that. It’s over with Lexi. If I’m ever going to move on, I have to stop obsessing.”
“Right,” Laura said slowly. “I’m sorry. That makes sense.”
“Anyway,” Becca said. “I know that was a lot to unload on you, but I didn’t want to lie anymore. And I’m really sorry that I blew up at you so many times without explaining why.”
“I understand. All this stuff going on is really scary, for all of us,” Laura said. “But do you think the two of us can move on from this part of it, at least?”
“Yes,” Becca said, “Please.”
“Good, because I just decided I’m going to have a Friendsgiving party on the Friday night after Thanksgiving. I’d love if you and the whole paper staff would come—even if we technically don’t have a paper.”
“What kind of food are you planning on serving, Rivers?” Becca asked with a smile. Laura responded with the only thing that felt natural in that moment. She reached over and wrapped Becca in a big hug.
November 16
Charlie
If things were bad before Sarah’s letter was published in The Chronicle, then afterward they were abysmal.
Every single person in town knew the story. The first time Charlie stepped foot outside his house on the day he was sent home from school, some guy drove by and screamed, “KILLER!” out his car window. That was a week ago, and Charlie had lost count of the number of people that had called him a monster directly to his face. Those were the moments that kept Charlie up all night every night—that and the fact that his mom could now barely look at him.
Dr. Hayden had called her before bringing him into the office to discuss the letter from Sarah, and she was waiting for him outside when the meeting was over. Her face was serious, but Charlie could tell that she’d been crying. That night, she sat him down. Charlie could still hear his mom’s words ringing in his head.
“I’ve never been more disappointed in my life,” she’d said. “This makes me feel like I failed as a mother.” She was speaking through tears.
Charlie swore up and down that the letter in the paper was fake, but she said she couldn’t believe him given everything happening, and Charlie could not blame her. It was his word against so much evidence, and he couldn’t replace all that information with the truth.
Wednesday, Englewood’s soccer team would be playing against Delbarton Academy, the number two team in New Jersey (number one being Englewood, of course). This game decided who went on to the regional play-offs, just two steps from the state title. It was the last game before Thanksgiving break by tradition. Given the opponent, it was the most important game of the year, if not Charlie’s entire career at Englewood. Delbarton’s player in Charlie’s same forward position was Jeff Estramera, currently ranked second in the state—one place below Charlie. He needed to focus. That meant ignoring everything but time in the gym and time on the field.
At first he had been calling and texting Laura, begging her to forgive him. He tried to explain that the letter was planted, someone was trying to frame him, but it wasn’t working, and it wasn’t helping. Charlie hated to admit it, but right now the only person truly on his side was Amanda, yet again.
He met her for lunch at Clover that afternoon because neither of them wanted to be in the cafeteria. Kit and Miller were almost impossible to be around lately. She was always looking over her shoulder and he dealt with it by giving anyone who came within ten feet a terrifying stare down.
“We need to talk about this letter, Charlie,” Amanda whispered as they sat down with their lunches.
“Not here,” Charlie said. “Anyone could be listening.”
“Is the back patio here still set up?”
“I think, but it’s thirty degrees.”
“Do you have a better idea?”
Charlie was grateful for the fact that lunch was only thirty minutes, and not just because he couldn’t feel his fingers. From the look on Amanda’s face, this was going to be an intense conversation.
“We need to figure out who is doing this to us and we need to make it stop,” Amanda said.
“And how are we going to do that?” Charlie asked. “Hire a private detective?”
“Why aren’t you taking this seriously?!” Amanda yelled. “We could go to jail for the rest of our lives! We have to do whatever it takes to prevent that!”
“Like we had to do whatever it took to make sure Sarah didn’t tell people the truth about us?”
Charlie was just as shocked by his response as Amanda looked. He hadn’t realized until this moment that he blamed her for what happened—for coming up with the idea and for having the kind of power over him that made him play along.
“Things got out of control that night, Charlie,” Amanda said through clenched teeth. “I didn’t plan for her to die.”
“Are you sure?” Charlie asked. He could tell how much his words infuriated Amanda, but he couldn’t stop.
“I would do it again, Charlie,” Amanda finally said. “And so would you. Don’t you remember what we both decided right before that night?”
Charlie didn’t have to search for the memory. They were in Amanda’s bedroom trying to figure out if her plan was the best way to ensure that Sarah wouldn’t reveal the secret about Amanda that Charlie had told her when he still thought she was Chelsea. The guilt Charlie felt over betraying Amanda came washing back over his body, just as strong as it had that day two years ago. “We decided that we’d rather die than have the truth get out,” Charlie said.
Amanda nodded, sadly. “I still feel that way, Charlie. Do you?” she asked.
Charlie’s instinct was to agree like he’d agreed with Amanda countless times before, but something was pulling him in another direction today.
“I don’t know,” he heard himself say. The look on Amanda’s face as those words hit wasn’t anger or sadness; it was fear. Then, without another word, she got up from the table and walked away.
Charlie took his time getting back to campus. He had a study period after lunch, but earlier
in the day Coach Stanley had asked him to come by for a meeting to talk about Wednesday’s game. Hopefully this will be the distraction I need to make it through the next few days, Charlie thought as he walked into Coach’s office.
“How are you, Sanders?” Coach asked as Charlie sat down in the chair opposite his desk.
“Good. Ready for the game. I watched some more tape on Estramera yesterday, and I’m ready to take him on.”
“I can’t let you play, Charlie.” Charlie heard the words come out of Coach’s mouth, but he didn’t process them at first.
“What?” he said, praying he misunderstood.
“I know you’re going through a lot, and I’m really sorry for everything. I believe in you, Charlie. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re playing too poorly for me to put you out there against Delbarton tonight.”
“Coach, I’ve been working on my focus, and I know I'll have it back for tonight. You know I can get into the zone when it’s go time. I’m there. I promise. I’m ready.” Charlie didn’t want to sound desperate, but it was impossible to avoid. He was desperate.
“We’ll have you suited up and on the sidelines so you can help out if Manchester needs some tips.”
“Manchester?!” Charlie was yelling now. “Manchester can’t handle Estramera! I’m better than him in my sleep!”
“Calm down, Charlie.”
“I can’t! I need this, Coach. I need to play this game, and I need to win this game. The recruits will be there, and they need to see what I can really do. You have to play me. You have to. I’m telling you, I won’t survive this if I can’t play tonight.” Charlie was shaking now, so much so that Coach Stanley came around from the desk to put his arm on Charlie’s shoulder, trying to calm him down.
“You will, Charlie. I know you will. Your mom wanted me to talk to you about seeing Dr. Walter again. She thought that was helpful back when…well…before.”
“You talked to my mother about me seeing a shrink?” Charlie said. His blood was now officially boiling. “Did you enlighten her about one of the reasons I needed to see one in the first place?”
