When he heard the patter of feet toward the women’s locker room, Leo turned around. “Audrey?”
She halted, nervously tightening her towel around her chest.
“What?”
Leo came as close as he dared, lest Audrey dart away like a gazelle from a hunter. He flashed a warm smile and watched her face flush.
“I judged your routine, and I give you a nine.”
It took her only a second to recover. “Only a nine?” She pouted.
“What would I have to do to get a ten?”
“You need to get higher out of the water.” Leo cleared his throat.
“You know, so the judge can get a better view of your, ah, your, your beautiful smile.”
“Is that right?” Audrey scanned the deck for Elaine, who’d walked over to the other side of the pool and now seemed busy organizing the kickboards and pull buoys. “Maybe you could show me sometime?” Leo laughed. “I’d like that.” They stared awkwardly for a moment, and Audrey shivered in the humid breeze. Fearing she was about to leave, Leo blurted, “Well, I gave you my number. How about you give me yours?”
Audrey narrowed her eyes and smiled. “The only way you get my number is if you change yours to a ten.”
“Done.” Leo nodded decisively. “You were absolutely perfect.” Even now he smiled as he remembered calling Audrey that very night, and many nights thereafter.
Looking out into the woods, Leo’s smile vanished. Salty tears stung the cut on his lip, and he realized he’d been clutching the pills.
He slowly relaxed his grip.
Audrey…he had to see Audrey. He couldn’t kill himself without at least saying goodbye. Leo located the pil bottle and dumped them back in, listening to the clink as each pill found its home.
Then he rose, dusted leaves off his jeans, and trekked to Audrey’s house.
18. Relapse
The amber liquid scorched his throat as he knocked back his third shot of scotch. It had been too long since he’d felt that burn light his insides on fire. Too long.
Navy Blue was Jason’s old stomping ground, and the bar hadn’t changed much in four years — other than the heightened security.
He’d been surprised when the bouncer insisted on checking his ID at the door. As a teenager he’d come in no questions asked, even though they’d surely known he was Commander Scott’s son.
Now it appeared nobody recognized him — not that the bar was particularly full in the middle of the afternoon. His black hair had grown out from its crew cut, and his well-defined biceps belied the lean, underdeveloped seventeen-year-old he’d been. Jason sat at the bar, ruing the disaster this day had become.
He and his mother had been full of optimism as they drove to Still Waters, buoyed by the reports of Leo’s speedy detox. When he’d visited the day before, Jason had actually caught a glimpse of the little brother he remembered. But as they pulled up to the treatment center, they saw panic on Marcus’s face. Before he’d even finished his first sentence, Jason and his mom were back in the car and peeling out of the lot in a mad dash home.
But they were too late.
Jason couldn’t escape the image of Leo splayed out unconscious on the study carpet, blood oozing from a gash on his forehead. As his mother wept, Jason glared at his father, but instead of the smug satisfaction he expected, he saw a flash of regret, followed by surprise.
“What are you doing here?” CS had asked scornfully before brushing past Jason into the family room. Things had gone to hell after that.
His cell phone vibrated in his pocket, and Jason pulled it out to glance at the caller ID. Crap. His sponsor.
Jason knew he should answer and stop this relapse immediately, but didn’t. His sponsor had dril ed into his head that his extreme personality could get him into trouble. One drink didn’t have to turn into twenty. Things weren’t always black or white. But Jason didn’t want to stop. He welcomed the contradictory sensation of stimulation and relaxation the alcohol offered like an old friend.
The door swung open, and Jason was startled to see Marcus sidle up to the bar. He sat on a stool a few seats down and nodded to the bartender, who raised his eyebrows before reaching for the bottle of vodka.
Glancing over, Marcus practically fell off his chair when he saw Jason staring at him. A look of silent understanding passed between them. They weren’t supposed to be here. They were ashamed to be caught relapsing. They had failed to protect a certain teenage boy.
Jason acted swiftly. He placed some money on the bar and reached Marcus just as the bartender was about to fill the shot glass. “Don’t do this, Marcus. Leo needs us. Let’s not both mess up at once.” Marcus looked at Jason and turned to stare at the glass. “Some role model I am, huh?”
“I could say the same for myself,” Jason scoffed. “C’mon, you can still be a role model today. I’ve already lost that chance.” After a moment Marcus stood, threw a ten on the bar, and walked out into the still-bright afternoon with Jason. There was an awkward silence as they leaned back on Marcus’s car, hands stuffed in their pockets.
“It didn’t go well at home, did it?” Marcus asked.
Unsure how much to disclose, Jason just sighed. “Nope.”
“So your father abused you too, then?”
Jason looked away, feeling his chest tighten with an unexpected ache. “Listen, it won’t help to make a report. Believe me, I’ve already tried.”
“I’m mandated by law to make a report, Jason.”
“Then you’ll hurt my brother even more, because my dad will make him pay. Leo turns eighteen in four months — then he can get away from Crusty Stick-up-his-butt.”
“Just like you’ve gotten away, hmm?”
“I live three thousand miles away, and I still can’t escape that man,” Jason said. “He haunts me. He just…he used to be different.
My family used to be different. Now it’s FUBAR.” Marcus chuckled. “Yeah, I know all about families putting the ‘fun’ in dysfunction. Do you, uh, do you need a place to stay tonight?”
“That’d be great, actually. Tomorrow I’ll see if I can bump up my return flight to Seattle. I only make things worse by being here.” Marcus moved around to the driver’s side door and unlocked the car.
“Okay if I call my sponsor?” Jason asked as he slid into the passenger seat.
Marcus nodded. “We’ll hit a meeting on the way home.”
“Time to face the music,” Jason said. He tapped his fingers on the dashboard while holding the phone to his ear. What was taking his sponsor so long?
When he heard the familiar voice, Jason cleared his throat. “Walt, it’s Jason.”
“Jason Scott!” Walt boomed. “Calling me all the way from Florida?
What’s up?”
“Uh, my blood-alcohol level?”
“You don’t sound drunk.”
“Yeah, I think I had three shots. Good thing a friend walked in at just the right moment, and we got out of there.” Jason gave Marcus a smile.
“Sounds like you’re in a car. You’re not driving, are you?”
“No, sir.”
“Good. I want you to get to an AA meeting ASAP.”
“We’re on our way.”
“I’m not happy, but I’m a little impressed,” Walt said with a smile in his voice. “You’re learning from past mistakes and getting back on track faster. So what was it this time?” Jason paused. “The reunion didn’t go so hot with my dad.” Glancing over at Marcus in the driver’s seat, Jason gave the edited version. “I shoved him, and we got into it. He, uh, he pretty much beat the crap out of me. Then he made the old threat of turning me in to the police if I stayed, so I left.”
“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised you relapsed.” Jason rolled his eyes. “Thanks so much for the support.”
“Jason,” Walt’s voice rose with reproach. “What I mean is you can’t stay clean till you come clean.”
“Huh?”
“Until you turn yourself in for your crim
e.” There it was: surrender. He’d avoided that idea just like he’d shunned wearing a belt because holding one reminded him of his father.
“Jason, what step are you working right now?” Walt asked after a long silence.
“You know I’m on number nine, Walt. Making amends to people I’ve hurt.”
“And which step were you working during your last relapse?” Jason searched his memory. “Nine.”
“And what step during the relapse before that?”
“Nine. What’s your point?”
“My point is you’re getting off track every time you try to make amends because you’re missing the biggest one of them al . Who have you harmed the most with your alcoholism?”
“My brother and my mom,” Jason said immediately. “My biggest failure is my inability to protect them from my dad.”
“And what’s preventing you from protecting them?” Jason furrowed his brow. “The threat of jail time.” An understanding dawned on him. “But if I’m in prison, I can’t protect them from my dad any better than if I’m in Seattle.”
“Jason, I can’t imagine any court handing down a long jail sentence for petty thefts made when you were a minor, especially if you turn yourself in.”
He took a deep breath. “I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I ask. Listen, I got another call.”
“Thanks, Walt.” Jason ended the call and stared out at the Florida landscape.
Marcus glanced over at Jason as he pulled into the church parking lot. “Looks like you’ve got a lot on your mind.”
“Yeah.” Jason picked at his fingernails. “I don’t know how much you got, but basically I’m a criminal.” Marcus didn’t say a word.
“I stole a bunch of cell phones from a warehouse when I was seventeen, and my dad caught me.” Flashes of that beating overtook him — all he could see were livid violet eyes staring at him, hating him. That was the last time he’d ever even thought about stealing.
He heard Marcus speaking in the distance, and Jason forced his mind back to the present. “What?”
“I’m not too proud of my past either. But here we are.” Jason focused on the church. “Time to make a better present.” As they walked to the back entrance, Jason put his hand on Marcus’s shoulder. It was a new experience for him to trust a tall Black man. He was grateful for the opportunity.
19. The Best Day of My Life
Audrey had the radio cranked up as she pulled into her driveway.
The endorphins rushed through her body, and she always felt like singing following a tough practice. Her dad used to love listening to her. She collected her swim bag and backpack and, weighted down, she unfolded herself from her Hyundai.
Still crooning the song, Audrey paused to open the front door and noticed movement at the edge of her line of vision.
“Leo!” She held her hand to her chest and watched him approach from the side of her house.
Her bright smile faded as he got closer. His lip was swollen, and there was dried blood on his forehead. “What happened?” Leo’s eyes darted around the overgrown yard. “Can we go inside? I’ll tell you there.”
Audrey paused. Wasn’t he supposed to be in treatment? “Okay.
My mom’s out of town again.” She stuck the key in the lock, and Leo lifted her swim bag from her shoulder.
Once inside, they set down the bags and stared at each other.
Something seemed different. He seemed tense, like he had so much to say but no idea how to say it. He was on the verge of something — she didn’t know what.
“Can I hug you?” he asked tentatively.
She gave him a strange look. “Of course.”
She buried her head in his chest. As soon as he scooped her into his arms, a dam released inside of him, and Audrey felt his body tremble as he sobbed.
“Oh, Leo.” She squeezed him tighter. “What’s wrong, honey?”
“I can’t talk about it,” he choked.
“It’s okay.”
After smoothing circles on his back, she attempted to meet his eyes, but he hung his head low and sniffed. She took his hand and led him down the hallway to the living room and the leather sofa, the only nice piece of furniture she and her mother had been able to keep.
Holding his hands in hers, Audrey sat quietly next to Leo as he cried. At one point she grabbed some tissues from the end table and handed them to him. He balled them up in his fist.
“My dad’s back in town,” he finally said.
It took a moment to register. “Uh-oh, you didn’t want him knowing about the pills. Did he find out?” He nodded, still looking down.
She suddenly understood. “Did your dad do that to your face?” When Leo nodded again, Audrey felt sadness and rage envelop her. She didn’t know what to say or do. Leo wouldn’t look at her, but she sensed he was waiting for her response.
She clenched her teeth. “No wonder you call him Cruel SOB.
I want to kill him.”
Leo looked up, seeming startled. “It’s my fault, Audrey. He wouldn’t have exploded if I didn’t get hooked on pills.”
“Your fault? How is your dad beating the crap out of you your fault? You don’t deserve that!”
The words came pouring out then, spoken through the tears that kept flowing. “CS yanked me out of treatment and said I couldn’t go back,” Leo confessed. “He’s going to drug test me, and if I fail then I’m in huge trouble. Jason — he’s been gone so long because my dad threatened to turn him into the police. I think CS beat up Jason too, and he’s going to make him go away again. But the worst part is he’s forcing me go to the Naval Academy. That’s nine years we’ll be apart! I won’t get to go to FSU with you, I won’t get to see you…” His voice cracked.
Seeing Leo so hurt and vulnerable disintegrated Audrey’s resolve, and she began to cry too. She’d never loved Leo as much as she did in this moment. He’d hidden his emotions for so long, but he couldn’t anymore. Just as he’d first come to know her when she was skinny dipping, she now saw him naked.
Her voice was gentle. “I always knew you’d go to the Academy.”
“You did?” His eyes darted up.
She nodded. “You have this sick love of pain. Even if your dad didn’t make you go, you’d end up there anyway.” He cried harder. “I wish I wasn’t like that. I don’t want to be apart from you.”
“We’ll make it. We’ll survive.” Although she knew how uncomfortable he was, his lowered defenses were the most potent aphrodisiac she’d ever experienced. To have him turn to her for help? Audrey felt intimately connected.
Slowly advancing, careful not to scare him, Audrey placed a soft kiss on the gash above his eyebrow, tasting his metallic blood on her lips. Drifting downward, her lips tenderly brushed a bruise near his cheekbone and tasted the saltiness of his tears. Her eyes met his, and she was overwhelmed by their closeness. “I want to take your pain away.” She kissed the cut on his lower lip.
Leo slowly met her mouth, and he scooted down to lie back on the sofa as their kisses deepened. Their tongues played lightly with each other while Audrey took off her shirt, and tossed it to the floor.
Leo stroked the length of her back, and she felt the arousal building inside her.
Straddling him, she stared down for several long seconds, knowing what might happen if they continued. Then Audrey lifted Leo’s bloodstained T-shirt over his head. She admired his long, fluid swimmer’s muscles. He wasn’t bulky or beefy, simply lean and powerful.
She brushed her fingers over a dark purple bruise below his ribcage and up his abdomen. He shivered.
Smiling as he watched her every move, Audrey reached behind and unclasped her bra, shyly showing Leo her breasts. He sat up to explore and caress her skin. Her heart pounding with excitement, Audrey reached down to unbutton his jeans and sensed they were about to enter uncharted waters.
Leo allowed her to help him out of his jeans, and he tugged off her pants, the removal of clothing adeptly performed bet
ween hot kisses. They held each other, skin-on-skin, Leo now wearing only his boxers and Audrey her lacy pink underwear.
“¿Estás lista?” Leo asked, gazing into her eyes.
“I’m ready.”
“¿Estás segura?”
“Sí, I’m sure.” She blinked rapidly, wondering if she should say it out loud for the first time. Boldness won over caution. “Te amo, Leo.” The tension in his face seemed to melt. “I love you too, Audrey.” Soon they lay naked together on the sofa, which didn’t feel as strange as Audrey would’ve predicted. Perhaps so much time together in swimsuits lessened the awkwardness. Still, she felt nervous about what was to come.
Leo cleared his throat. “Uh, Audrey, I don’t have any protection.”
“Me neither, but let’s not stop. I’m, um, I’m not very regular because of swimming, so we should be fine.” Leo hesitated. “We shouldn’t do this.”
“Probably not.” She gave him a devilish grin and pressed her mouth against his. He eagerly returned her kiss, not seeming to care about his cuts and bruises. Their bodies melded together. Audrey felt him beneath her, and her excitement rose as well.
Audrey paused and lifted her head up.
“Have…have you changed your mind?” Leo asked.
She smiled. “No, but if you even think about throwing up right now, it’s over between us.”
Leo laughed and she giggled. It had been so long since he’d even smiled. It felt wonderful to share a laugh with him. She tried to relax as they fumbled together. He took it out like a sprinter, and brought it home like a distance swimmer.
Lying together, her cheek against his chest, Audrey hummed the song from the radio again while he rubbed slow circles on her back.
She listened to his steady heartbeat and the echo of his words in his chest as he spoke. “Today was horrible before I came over.” He squeezed her tighter, holding her flush to his sweaty body. “You’ve made it the best day of my life, Audrey. Thank you.”
All James could hear was the even sound of his breathing as he rounded the corner of the track. He ignored the high school track team as he left them in the dust. Running was the only way to soothe his anger and help him think. The conversation with his wife ran circles in his head as he ran circles on the track.
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