“Wait a fucking minute. You’re telling me you’ve been talking to a guy for three and a half weeks and you haven’t managed an in person meet-up yet?” Peter was always one to cut right to the chase.
“Yeah, although most of the time it’s fine. He’s very skittish about getting close to people. He’s been bringing up his little sister since his mom died in a terrible car accident four years ago. He doesn’t seem to have much family to speak of and other than that he only has his best friend, Ben.”
“You’re talking about Alex, aren’t you?” David had worked with Alex a lot when he was at the firm. As far as Kelley knew they hadn’t stayed in contact in the years since Alex left the firm. Sad for them both since they had gotten along so well.
“Yeah, the one and only.”
“I had no idea it was that bad. Alex hates people. I mean at one time he was very outgoing, loved being around people, but when his mom died, then he gained custody of his little sister, something changed and his light just…went out,” David added with a hint of sadness in his voice.
“He’s not an easy-going guy anymore. I remember him from the firm. You interacted much more often than I did with him. But I remember he had so much energy and vitality when he was surrounded by people. Now though, he’s super prickly, especially in the mornings, and grumpy around groups of people, and reticent and sullen and…yeah, getting close to him is hard. I don’t want to push, he already deals with that with his best friend, so I’m taking it slow. But man, he is beautiful and getting close to him is all I can think about.”
“Wow, look you, K-man, getting all twitterpated at your age,” River joked which made Kelley laugh since it was exactly what he had said to himself.
“You sure you should do this, Kelley? I mean the man has a kid for fuck’s sake. You shouldn’t be messing with that shit. Walk away, go find some guy to fuck and be done,” Peter demanded in his I’m the boss voice as Kelley liked to call it.
“Peter, you aren’t my boss so stop with that voice you use on your employees, thanks. And I’m not messing with anything. Right now, I’m a friend, if I get more, great, if not, that’s fine too. Alex needs a friend right now more than anything, I know that. I’m not being stupid, but he is an adult, so if more happens then he can make that decision.”
Peter’s reply hadn’t surprised Kelley, but he had hoped it wouldn’t go there.
“Yeah, if you say so. How old is the kid sister? Can’t be too young if a guy our age has custody of her.” David looked at him and winked, because they both knew that Alex was nowhere near Kelley’s age.
Shit, Alex wasn’t even all that close to David’s age of thirty-two.
“She’s almost nine from what he tells me,” Kelley replied hoping that Peter wouldn’t push, but he was never that lucky when it came to him. He was like a dog with a bone, never able to let anything go until he had all the answers.
“He has a nine-year-old sister? How old were his parents when they had her?” Peter turned, facing David and without pausing asked, “David, what is your problem?”
By that point, David was practically shaking as he’d tried not to laugh.
“Oh, my god! You guys are ridiculous. David, it’s not that funny, knock it off. Peter, he’s not our age, he’s twenty-seven.”
Kelley had no shame in the fact he was thirteen years older than the guy he wanted under him with everything in him. He just didn’t want to hear it from Peter, because he would be the only one with an issue with it.
“He’s what?! Are you going through a midlife crisis or something? Go after a guy closer to your own age with a hell of a lot less baggage than that guy.”
“You know what, Peter? Fuck you. I like him, his age doesn’t matter, and I’m pretty sure he’s more mature than you any day of the week.” Kelley wasn’t mad at his friend, it was just who he was, but he also wasn’t going to let him run roughshod over him just because he was a grumpy ass.
“Fine, but don’t blame me when it goes tits up and you’re the poor old man broken hearted over the young twink.”
“Sweet Jesus, you don’t give up, Peter. Alex, isn’t a twink, he’s just a guy, who happens be to be younger. Who you know nothing about and are making a bunch of shit assumptions about. He’s a good guy, one who took guardianship of his sister when he was only twenty-three after his mom died for fucks sake, so back off about him.” David’s tirade had them all sitting back stunned into silence, staring at their friend.
David was the calm one.
“Alright, David, calm down. I’m sorry, you know me, I’m a prick, but I was just trying to protect Kelley from doing something he’ll regret later.” Peter was sincere. As much of a jackass they all thought him to be, he was very protective of his friends.
David nodded his head acknowledging what Peter had said but didn’t speak up about Alex again. Oh, but of course, River had to step up at that moment with his goofy-ass sense of humor. “Man, kitten has some claws. Fist bump, dude!”
“How did I get wrangled with you group for friends?” Kelley shook his head at their antics but continued, “Peter, thanks but no, thanks. I’m a big boy and can play with whomever I want and if I get hurt, oh well, such is life. I’ll just make sure to go cry on River’s shoulders and not yours, okay?”
“Yeah, do what you want, Kelley. I just reserve the right to say I told you so. Just like when David finally wakes up and realizes there is no such thing as forever.”
“Or maybe someday you’ll realize there is such a thing as forever and that you have friends that are here for you when you finally decide to open up,” David replied solemnly.
Peter just glared at him, but stayed silent.
They were all quiet for a few minutes until River, of course, broke the heavy silence with a story about one of his new clients at the yoga studio. The rest of the meal passed by with each of them joking about something about their day or past weeks, all of them purposely avoiding any serious talk.
“…Yes, I understand…Of course, I’m glad we finally were able to pinpoint what you wanted, Mr. Brady…It was no trouble at all I loved the challenge…I will send the invoice over today, along with all the digital copies you’ll need moving forward….Thank you I hope we can work together again.”
Alex hung up the phone and leaned back in his office chair, never so happy to be done working with a client in his entire life. He knew it was not a question of his own work, it was the fact that Mr. Brady truly had no idea what he wanted and was just a fickle man. But it was done and fingers crossed they wouldn’t have to work together for a long time to come.
So far, the day had been pretty easy on him and that in itself made Alex uneasy. Things in his life were never simple and straightforward. Maybe it was coming off a difficult project that made him feel so anxious.
Most of his clients were easy to work with, but outside of that his life had always been a series of ups and downs, losses and gains. Who could blame him for living with the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Evie had gotten up that morning for school without any fuss or tantrum which basically never happened. The hardest part of his day with her was getting her up in the morning. Unlike him, she was not a morning person.
Too bad she was too young to drink coffee.
He laughed at himself because Evie on coffee would be like living with the Tasmanian devil but with brains and tantrums tossed in.
But she did seem awfully quiet that morning. When Alex had asked her what was wrong, she had said nothing without even looking up from her breakfast. Oh, but he knew that wasn’t true because Evie quiet meant she was contemplating something and that was always, always bad.
She was a good kid who happened to have been through something traumatic in her short life, but she was smart and had learned to take the time to think things through before she reacted. When she could, of course. Life didn’t always allow her that luxury. It came from having out of control reactions for years.
Except w
hen it came to her anxiety, of course, no one could think those away. Even if she had tried.
Evie’s tantrums as few as they were lately, were never more than an emotional response to the panic she sometimes still felt building inside of her. A panic that she couldn’t keep away for long, but also one that she hadn’t understood. As smart as she was, her emotions were just something she had trouble controlling.
The tools the counselor had given her helped, but he always told them the chances that she’d get rid of them completely were going to be slim. Her emotions and emotional responses, especially dealing with feeling safe, were connected to the panic attacks. Her triggers for certain sensations or sounds were in better control, but anxiety in everyday life lent to her being set off easier, even with those tools.
They would eventually be far and few between, which made Alex sigh with relief because he wouldn’t want his baby sister to go through a life that was filled with the fear that a panic attack would hit her over some unforeseen element.
And even with his next project sitting there waiting for him to start on it, all he could wonder about was what made her seemingly shut down that morning. What thoughts had crept into her mind?
She seemed fine last night.
Maybe all it had to do with was the play she’d gotten a part in, maybe she was just nervous about actually performing in it.
Maybe if he kept on thinking that way it would keep the other thoughts from entering. The thoughts that screamed at him that he’d seen her like that before too many times. What those thoughts always led to. The last time it was over a week where she had near constant crippling panic attacks that led to some pretty low emotional days for her. For both of them.
I’m sure it’s nothing. I don’t need to worry…
Trying to shake himself from those thoughts he got up from his computer and started to clean the apartment. Walking first to the kitchen and emptying the dishwasher then onto taking the chicken tenders out of the freezer for dinner.
She loves them, so hopefully they will cheer her up…
Then he went to the living room and picked up the toys that Evie had left on the couch and walked them back to her room to put them away in the toy chest she had at the end of her bed. Walking back to the living room he noticed he needed to vacuum so he mentally added that to his list.
Maybe I should get that chocolate cake she likes…
Once back in the living room he cleaned off the coffee table of his breakfast dishes and magazines he was looking at that morning. Next, he picked up the movies Evie always left out on the TV stand in the living room and walked them over to the movie cabinet in the closet to put them away.
It’s probably nothing. She’s fine.
The full bath that they shared was an absolute mess since her shower so he started to wipe down the counter and sink. Putting away her brush in her drawer he looked down and noticed his hands were shaking. Shaking them out at his sides and taking a deep breath, he moved on to cleaning the shower.
I could call the school and check in on her…
After the bathroom was completely clean he pulled out the vacuum and started to vacuum the whole apartment, hoping the noise would drown out his thoughts. Starting with the dining room then onto the living room…
Her teachers would know if something was wrong…
…then onto the hallway making sure to get all the edges against the walls…
They would call me…
…and then the front entrance since there was always dirt carried in from their shoes gathered there then starting in Evie’s room…
No, I need to call. I…I couldn’t do nothing…what if I’m wrong
Alex suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. He felt lightheaded like he was floating away from his body. His hands were trembling so bad he could no longer hold onto the vacuum and it fell to the floor, and right behind it Alex. Falling to his knees as he tried to catch his breath.
What’s wrong with me?
But he knew. He had seen his sister go through that too many times to ignore what it was. But what he couldn’t figure out was why. Putting his hands on his knees he tried to take a deep breath but it got stuck halfway there. His chest felt tight, his heart felt like it was about to beat right out of his chest, and sweat dotted his forehead. It was just an episode, it was nowhere near what Evie experienced.
Oh, god, I think I’m going to throw up!
Trying again to take a breath in through his nose he concentrated on pushing the panic back; locking the thoughts away back where they came from. Breathing out through his mouth. The numbness and shaking in his hands started to retreat. Breathing in through his nose out through his mouth again and again. Each breath getting easier and easier.
Finally, minutes had passed, his heart was beating normally, his hands were no longer shaking, the tightness in his chest that made it so hard to breathe was gone.
Alex moved to sit on his butt, leaning against the wall he tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He just needed a few more minutes to sit and breathe. He knew he caused it himself, he had to get better at not thinking and more about locking the crap away with the rest where it belonged. Getting up off the floor he finished his vacuuming and went back to his office to get back to work on his project, refusing to worry and call Evie’s school. Work was always a good distraction.
Alex got so lost in his work, or rather staring off into space, doing what he said he wouldn’t do which was worry, when the door slammed shut he jumped. Once his racing heart slowed to a normal not-having-a-heart-attack pace he got up from his desk, walked out of his room and down the hall to the living room. When he walked in he didn’t expect to see Evie sitting on the couch pulling out her homework and…smiling.
She was smiling. Like full blown cheeks hurt smile. The knot that had been sitting in his stomach all day loosened and he finally felt relaxed.
She was alright.
She hadn’t had a panic attack.
She wasn’t sad or down or anything.
She was smiling, the biggest smile.
So, he did the only thing he could do…he smiled his biggest smile back at her.
“Well, look at you, smiling girl! What has made that grin come out for us mere mortals today?”
“I just had a good day at school. My teacher moved my card up on the behavior chart so I’m even closer to getting the big prize and…and she moved that mean boy Garrett away from me in class cuz I told her he was calling me and Ivy names. Oh, and she called on me to read in front of the class and I did really good, Alex!!!”
He couldn’t help but just stare at her beaming face and sigh in relief again because after the day he’d had that was the perfect thing to see.
“Great job! I think that might deserve a treat. What do you think?”
“Yes! Oh, what kind of treat do I get, Alex?!” Evie’s voice held a hint of whiny impatience.
“Hmmm…how about we have your favorite foods? Chicken tenders and mac and cheese and we can have our very own picnic dinner in the living room while we work on your homework and then we go out and get some ice cream from our favorite ice cream place Uncle Marty’s…How does that sound?”
Evie immediately started jumping up and down again and whooping, so he knew he made her night after having such a good day and maybe he needed the treat after the tough day he had too.
And that was what they did after dinner and homework were done, they made their way to Uncle Marty’s. They sat at one of the outside tables to enjoy their ice cream so they could people watch together. Evie got chocolate all over her mouth from her ice cream because of course even though Alex had tried to convince her not to get the chocolate gooey brownie flavor but she had insisted since it was a treat for her. Which only made him laugh and roll his eyes because of course she was right.
And all Alex had done the entire time was sit, watching her talk about the people around them while eating her ice cream with such joy. He’d found he couldn’t let go of the i
dea that the other shoe was going to drop soon. He could feel it in his bones.
His heart couldn’t take it again.
Watching her like that.
Breaking for her and the terror she felt.
But he also knew he had to keep it locked inside, away from her so she wouldn’t think he didn’t have faith in her. Because he did, but life didn’t always go by his faith in things. He knew that from past experience.
Evie’s voice jolted him out of his dark thoughts. “Can we talk about her again?” Evie asked cautiously. “I miss her.”
Alex knew who the her was. He always would. She didn’t sound sad but he knew she just needed some connection to the memories he held sometimes. To the happier times she struggled to remember. That was one thing they together found helped her override the bad memories that were locked in her mind.
“It’s okay, Evie. You can always ask me about her. I will never tell you no. You know that, right?”
“Yeah. I just…sometimes you look sad when I ask and I don’t want to make you sad, Alex.”
“Never you worry about that. Okay, what do you want to talk about today?”
“Maybe…something about them, Mommy and Daddy together?”
“Hmmm let me think. We’ve talked about how they met and got married, we talked about you being a happy shock to us all,” Alex winked at her which made her laugh as it always did, “and my fifth-grade graduation where Dad embarrassed me and …” Evie started giggling about that since it happens to be one of her favorite stories. Alex was convinced it was because she liked the idea of their dad getting something over on both mom and him.
After her giggling had subsided she quietly asked, “What did they say when you told them you liked boys?” Huh, I didn’t see that one coming.
“That’s actually both a terrifying and funny story.” Alex knew she’d love this one as well, just another one to add to the long list of childhood embarrassments for him. “You know Mom always loved having long talks about everything. I swear she was preparing ahead of time for every major, or minor, talk she could think of. I’m convinced she had them stored somewhere for future use. One day when I was fourteen-years-old she decided it was the perfect time to have the ‘talk’ with me about my body changes and girls but she insisted that Dad needed to be there since maybe that would make me more comfortable. When really…it really did not help. Either of us.”
Letting Go Page 9
